Valentine's Dream: Love Changes EverythingSweet SensationMade in Heaven

by Sandra Kitt

  “Remember I told you about viewing some apartments? I want your advice. Are you with me?”

  She slowly nodded. “Okay.”

  “Good.”

  During the ride, Carter told her about the apartments that had been arranged for him to see in Battery Park City, an enclave several blocks away from the site of the former World Trade Center towers. Grace listened as he tried to describe the area, but she confessed that she didn’t know anything about that part of Lower Manhattan. She was surprised that he would consider living there but flattered that he cared about what she thought. Grace also felt a rising apprehension that Carter’s move to New York was becoming real. He’d be able to spend time with Madison. That meant spending time with her.

  For all the new construction and the contemporary sleekness of the high-rise buildings, the manufactured parks and promenades, and upscale shops and restaurants in Battery Park City, Grace found the setting sterile and artificial. Carter parked behind one such rectangular high-rise and led her through a maze of security procedures. Before they’d even boarded the elevator, Grace hated every inch of what she’d seen so far. This was a place for men and women whose lives were ruled by work and the clock. It was a residence, but not a home. It was fine for singles and couples, but terrible for a family.

  As Carter led the way into one of the apartments on his list, on a floor high enough to induce a nosebleed, Grace couldn’t help but wonder if this was really the way he wanted to live. The rooms were rather small, except for the master bedroom, which had a walk-in closet, a large dressing room area, a Jacuzzi in the bathroom and heating racks for towels. One wall of the bedroom was almost entirely glass and overlooked the Hudson River and the undistinguished shoreline of New Jersey on the other side. She watched Carter’s broad shoulders and his erect posture as he stared silently out the window.

  “There isn’t much room for... Do you expect to get married some day? Do you see yourself having kids?” she asked carefully, not sure if she was crossing the line of “too personal.”

  He turned to face her and seemed mildly surprised by the question. “Definitely. What do you think?” Carter asked.

  “It’s nice,” Grace said politely.

  “You hate it,” he said without rancor. “Be honest with me—that’s why I brought you to see it.”

  “Carter, it really doesn’t matter what I think. I don’t have to live here, or raise a family here.”

  “But you have a woman’s point of view, and that’s important. I trust you. You won’t hurt my feelings.”

  Grace felt trapped and sighed helplessly. She looked around again, hoping to find one redeeming quality, one positive thing to say about the space, for his sake.

  “It will work fine for your lifestyle,” Grace began, trying to sound enthusiastic. “You have a fast-track life right now. You could make this place comfortable, simple and easy to maintain. And it’s not permanent, right? You can always get something different in a few years, if anything changes.”

  “I expect it to,” Carter said, watching her move about the empty rooms.

  They went to see two more apartment units, but to Grace’s thinking, there wasn’t much difference between them. It was hard to generate excitement about places that seemed little more than compartmentalized boxes. It was hard to imagine Carter living in any of them, with or without a significant other.

  They finished seeing the last place and headed back to the elevator. The presence of other passengers forestalled any conversation until they were both back in the car. She was relieved when he didn’t question her further right away but turned the conversation to his work and what his new responsibilities would be. He drove in search of someplace to eat. Grace could tell that he was excited about starting again in New York, but she was sure she detected an edge, almost an uncertainty, to his excitement. It was understandable, given all the changes Carter was going through in such a short period of time.

  He took her to a small, well-known restaurant near South Street Seaport. Grace was very familiar with its name and reputation but had never eaten there herself. She hadn’t done much fancy dining of the adult variety beyond the children’s birthdays, Christmas and Halloween. She’d looked forward to lunch with Carter, but as they were seated, Grace felt a warm lethargy overtake her, which she didn’t understand. Carter also seemed pensive, with a disquiet underlying his conversation all through the meal. It was over cappuccino that she finally addressed his quiet mood.

  “Is everything okay? You seem a little distracted. I hope it wasn’t because of what I said about those apartments.”

  The rest of her comment stuck in her throat as Carter reached across the table and took hold of her hand. She stared at his hand and then into his eyes, their expression protected behind the lenses of his glasses. But she could tell by his eye movement that he was closely monitoring the changes on her face.

  “Maybe I was testing you.”

  “Testing me? What for?”

  “I wasn’t sure if you still hated me.”

  Grace stared at him. “Where on earth did you get that idea? I don’t hate you.”

  He adjusted his glasses but finally took them off and laid them, folded, next to his plate. He regarded her silently. To Grace, it somehow felt as if they were much closer together. She felt enveloped by Carter’s gaze, by the memory of two small moments between them that had changed everything.

  “When Benson first introduced us, six months before you two got married, that’s how I felt. Those were the vibes you seemed to be sending me.”

  Slowly, the shock faded, and she became reflective. “You know, it’s funny you would say that,” she murmured. “I always thought you hated me. And what has any of that to do with where you’re going to live when you move to New York?”

  “I needed to know what you really thought about me. How well do you know me? How much do you care?”

  He paused, but Grace remained still and silent, her insides roiling. She felt an overpowering sense of intimacy, drawn into his dark gaze.

  “If you were indifferent, it wouldn’t matter if I wanted to live at the Plaza or a Ramada Inn, in Battery Park or Harlem. But I felt like you were really considering what was right for me.”

  “I can’t believe you’d be happy in any of those places we saw.”

  “That’s what I wanted to find out, Grace.”

  She was still confused. “But, why?”

  “Was I just Benson’s best friend, or can I be your friend, too? Can we start with that?”

  “I don’t hate you,” she repeated. “But when we first met, I thought...well, I thought you were arrogant and unfriendly. I felt like you looked down on me, like you didn’t think I was good enough for Benson. You never seemed to smile when I was around, and you never made much attempt to talk to me. What was I supposed to think?”

  Carter’s expression looked strained. He seemed both surprised and sad by her observations, and shook his head.

  “I didn’t realize I was coming across that way. I’m really sorry you felt that way all those years, but you did touch on something that was partially true.”

  “What?” she questioned cautiously.

  “It’s not that I thought Benson was too good for you. It was the reverse. I thought you were probably too good for him.”

  “Really?”

  “Don’t get me wrong, Benson was a great guy. He was street-smart and ambitious—he was basically an honest man. But he was a player.” Seeing the shock that came into her eyes, Carter held up his hand to keep her silent. “I don’t think he fooled around. As far as I or anyone else knew, he was totally faithful to you.

  “I’m talking about what he wanted to do with his life, where he wanted to rise to. Getting appointed to the mayor’s office was a real coup, but Benson had plans to go much higher. You can’t have that kind of drive without knowing you have to play ball, cut deals, compromise, maybe even gloss over the truth when necessary. Well, that was fine for Benson, but I always had
the feeling that that’s not the kind of life you bargained for when the two of you got married. He went from being just another district attorney to being in ‘the game.’”

  “How did you know how I felt about his career?” Grace asked, not denying any of Carter’s statements.

  “You seemed not in awe of Benson, but overwhelmed. Like he was moving too fast, and you were afraid you’d hold him back. I think you wanted to be a partner in a marriage, not in his career goals. I think you wanted to know he would give as much quality time to his family as he did to outfoxing his opponents and enemies. Benson had them, you know.”

  “I...I don’t know what to say,” Grace murmured. “I never realized anyone was paying attention to my relationship with Benson. Everyone liked him, and he was so popular, but I wasn’t jealous of that.”

  “I came to understand that after a while.” Carter nodded. “But I thought you hated me because you believed I thought you were holding him back. On the other hand, Benson really loved you. He said you were a class act, not like those other bi...women he’d known before. You gave him a son, and that made a huge difference in his outlook. But I wondered what would have happened down the road.”

  It was a lot for Grace to think about, putting together all the puzzle pieces that made up the relationships between her, Benson and Carter. She’d never seen before that their relationships were such a complicated triangle. The revelations about her and Carter’s misconceptions about each other also had an effect on her. Grace suddenly felt as if a door had opened to reveal secrets that might give closure to the past.

  “I wasn’t sure that becoming a father would make a difference to Benson. When Madison was about two, I started to think Benson was getting a little restless. Like he wanted and needed something else. Like...I wasn’t doing it for him anymore. I even asked him if he wanted a divorce. That sort of shook him up, and he said no. Shortly after that, I got pregnant with Rebecca. But deep in my heart, I knew that having another baby was only a Band-Aid on a bigger wound. I knew I couldn’t keep up with him.”

  “I’m sorry,” Carter said quietly. “I had no idea. Which makes what happened three years ago so unreal, doesn’t it?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “When I found you alone and crying after the service for Benson, you looked like your heart had been broken, and I felt it was proof positive of how much you loved him. Then you lost him.”

  She grimaced ruefully. “I never had Benson. You don’t hold someone like him. I never really belonged to him. Maybe I wanted something from him he couldn’t give. Maybe, after a few years and a couple of kids, he felt the same way. But I don’t believe in looking back, Carter. I’m not still in mourning.”

  “I wanted to be sure.”

  “How come?”

  “That day when I tried to comfort you, I knew that the timing couldn’t have been worse. I finally got a chance to show a little of how I felt, and your husband had just passed away. Was I just Benson’s best friend or could I be your friend? Maybe take it from there. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

  Grace felt disoriented by Carter’s admission. Suddenly, every word, every action in their time together lately fell into place and began to make sense. Benson’s mother had seen more three years ago than she could have realized.

  “I...don’t know what to say.”

  He leaned across the table. “How about, for starters, that I’m not making a fool of myself. That it’s not too late, or a big mistake.”

  There was something poignant and vulnerable about his honesty.

  “I’m a little nervous and confused, but I think you’re on to something,” Grace quietly confessed.

  “It took three years for me to get up the courage to say something. I know you didn’t feel the same way.”

  “Do you think Benson knew how you felt?” she asked, suddenly horrified at the thought.

  “I would have broken off the friendship if I thought I couldn’t keep it to myself. I didn’t want to hurt Benson or you.”

  She shook her head in amazement. “But to stay silent for all those years.”

  “Until now,” Carter quietly reminded her.

  “Is everything okay here?” The waiter’s overly cheerful voice broke into their mutual reflection and brought Grace and Carter back to the present. “Can I get you anything else?”

  “No, this is good,” Carter reassured the young man. He glanced at Grace. “This is very good.”

  By the time they left the restaurant, Grace felt as if everything had changed and the world looked different. She was giddy and disoriented, her head spinning with Carter’s revelations. She felt awkward and shy and exposed. Carter had tapped into something between them that she had only begun to question herself. But she wasn’t there, yet.

  They left the restaurant, and he took her hand.

  “Don’t say anything right now.”

  “I can’t,” she agreed, bemused.

  “I guess I could have planned this better. Maybe I should have said something sooner. Maybe waited until I’d already moved here. I hate that I have to leave you like this.”

  Grace smiled kindly at him. “Don’t take this the wrong way, Carter, but I’m glad you have to go back to Chicago for a while.”

  He looked a little grim, but stoic. “Got it.” He nodded.

  She waited in numb silence while he hailed a cab for her and paid the driver to return her to her office. They faced each other suddenly like total strangers. But she finally realized how much courage it had taken for Carter to come forth with his feelings about her. And how much more it had taken for him to remain silent for eight years. Despite that spontaneous but electrifying encounter between them, Carter had never taken advantage of her. She stood before him now, appreciating and admiring the risk he’d taken. He had shown strength of character and had opened his heart. Could she do any less?

  Grace took a tentative step toward Carter and raised her arms for a hug. It was gentle and comforting, and took them back to that time and place when the moment called for understanding.

  “Have a safe trip,” Grace said softly. “Hurry back.”

  * * *

  “Thank you so much for understanding. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you more warning, but something came up, and I have to stay in the city a little longer this afternoon.”

  Grace, on the phone with her babysitter, felt a little uneasy about having to change her children’s routine. It was rare that she was forced to rearrange her schedule and theirs, and it was always work-related, something that she had to accommodate when necessary. Yet going into emergency backup mode for Carter Morrison struck her as not only out of character, but pretty spur-of-the-moment. Her life was not geared to spontaneity, or to taking chances. Grace realized she was making concessions for him that she hadn’t made for any other man since Benson.

  Why?

  “I’ve already spoken with the children’s grandmother, and she’ll pick them up at your place at the time I normally would,” Grace informed the babysitter. “Here’s her name and phone number....”

  Why not? she thought.

  Because with Carter, she could talk about more than Playstation and Toy Story dolls, she thought, realizing how limited her vocabulary had become. Because he liked her kids, and they liked him. Because Madison had been asking when Carter was coming to play chess with him again. Was it because the myth that had been dispelled between them had allowed for another feeling to sneak in?

  Now it could be said.

  “Yes, everything will be back to normal tomorrow,” Grace assured the babysitter. “I’ll pick up the children after work as usual. Thanks so much. I’ll call my mother-in-law and let her know you’ll be expecting her. Bye.”

  Grace sat forward in her chair, turning to her computer to finish an email. She was tired of trying to analyze her decision. What difference did it make? There was nothing to read between the lines as she made arrangements so she and Carter could see each other.

 
He was becoming a good friend. There was nothing wrong with having a good friend.

  Right?

  Grace had known exactly when he’d returned to New York. He’d called on his way up the New Jersey Turnpike to say he’d taken a year lease on one of the three apartments they’d seen together. He already had a phone number, had arranged for movers to arrive with his things, and had driven himself back in his Lexus.

  He’d wasted no time in asking to see her.

  Grace was breathless with anxiety. Was he moving too fast? Was this whirlwind of feelings more than friendship or curiosity? Or just a momentary apparition?

  Carter’s phone call an hour earlier, asking if she could possibly stay late and meet with him, had not only caught her off guard but had stirred an odd anticipation. When she left work that afternoon at almost five-thirty, it was raining lightly. She walked briskly toward the subway only to realize that Carter was standing at the top of the entrance, under the protection of a large umbrella.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked, sounding more annoyed than she’d intended.

  “Waiting for you.”

  “Afraid I’d get lost in the subway? Or that I’d stand you up?”

  “Aren’t you glad I came to drive you in the comfort of my car, saving you the hassle?” he said, waving a hand to the Lexus parked near the corner.

  “Yes,” Grace conceded as a gust of wind tried to tear her pocket umbrella from her hand.

  The drive downtown was stop and go as the traffic was hampered by the weather and the usual insanity of rush hour in the city. He’d made reservations at B. Smith’s.

  She realized that she was nervous to be with him—to the point of trembling. She crossed her legs after they were seated to keep her knees from jumping. Seeing Carter again after their parting conversation ten days earlier made Grace wonder what they could say to one another now. How they would behave. But the one surprising difference that she’d noticed at once was that she was glad to see Carter again.

  He ordered glasses of champagne. They toasted his return to New York, finding an apartment, beginning a new life. But Grace realized it was a new start for her, as well. Then Carter proposed a second toast.