“Do you think it’s interesting that…” I set aside my empty plate and pick up the Dirty Korean book Nicole gave me. “The first time you speak to me in Korean is to talk about sex. Particularly…” I hold the book up to the camera, and he starts laughing. I flip to the section on sex and scan through the pages. “Mmmm, sixty-nine, huh? And something having to do with my…” I point to the word “pussy” on the page and hold it up to the camera. “Lee, you have a dirty mind that has all the Korean sex words memorized.”
“I had an earlier version of that book when I was in college with no girlfriend and plenty of porn. I had translating to do.”
“For the ‘greater good’ then?”
“You could say that.” A sly smile stretching across his face. Adorable.
“Do you think we’d talk less about sex if we were actually having sex?”
“That would be an interesting experiment we should work on testing as soon as possible. Laura, I’m coming to see you. I leave this Saturday.”
He smiles at me, but my insides twist. The time has finally come. I want to see him, but I’ve told him nothing of my past, and I don’t think it’s fair for him to come all this way to visit me only to find out I’m damaged goods. Beyond damaged. I have no family, no home, and he’ll be horrified when I tell him everything about Asia and New Orleans. And not this fake happiness I’ve conveyed to him about my time there. I’ve only told him the good parts though they were few and far between.
I clutch my hands to my chest as my heart flutters with indecision. “You’re coming to see me?”
“Of course, Laura. I said I would. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to tell you sooner. All the meetings I had this week were so I could shuffle around my schedule and travel to visit you.” He’s been eating cereal and the spoon is paused on the way to his mouth. “Are you okay? You look pale and unhappy. It wasn’t the response I was expecting.”
“I… Lee, I…” I can no longer speak. Reality is standing right in front of me. I’m not sure if I’ve completely won him over yet, and I’ve been fooling myself for the past month while Lee and I have dated online. I thought I was a normal girl who wanted to date a nice, successful guy but my past has caught up with me. “Lee, I have some things I need to tell you before you come here.”
He stops eating altogether and pushes his cereal bowl away from him. “What, Laura? What’s going on?”
I open my mouth but nothing comes out. How do I start? I imagine the scene in my head: “Lee, I slept with more than thirty men in Asia.” “Lee, I came home from Asia and I was pregnant…” And they all sound so horrifying that I’m nauseated, and my vision starts to swim.
“Lee, don’t come,” bursts from my mouth instead, robotic and unfeeling. “You don’t want to date me. I am not the person you think I am.”
“Laura…” He winces, pain evident on his face and in his voice. “Whatever it is, I’ll understand. I promise not to judge.”
“But you will, Lee. Everyone does. Even my own mother. You’d hate me and think I was disgusting. Don’t come. Don’t call me. Get on with your life.” What am I doing? My mouth is speaking and my voice is coming out of it, but my heart is breaking and my soul is dissolving away.
“Laura, please talk to me.” Lee picks up the iPad on his end so I can see him better. I swiftly reach out and end the call.
The room is silent for a moment before the iPad jumps to life again with a new call from Lee. I sit and watch the screen ring, bile rising up from my stomach. I launch myself from the bed and run to the bathroom just in time to lose the lasagna I ate into my toilet. Bile and dinner come up in waves, a chill prickling my face, and sobs erupt once the puking ends. Thank God the cleaning ladies were here yesterday. My face bursts into flames of shame, so I press my cheeks against the cool wall tile and cry. In the other room, my iPhone is buzzing away. I’m sure it’s Lee texting or calling and wondering what’s wrong with me.
I need to ignore all the calls. I fucked it all up. Our relationship is over, and it’s better this way. In a few days, he’ll forget about me and meet someone new. Maybe he’ll find a woman who’s successful and perfect and he’ll be happy. I’ll never be happy again, but I don’t think it’s possible for someone like me. I made my bed. It’s time I lie in it.
Chapter
Twenty-Four
=
Lee
I stare at the dark iPad for a long moment and then down at my phone on the table.
Lee Park
Please talk to me. I promise I’ll listen.
Laura, I’ve missed you so much.
Just text me back when you’re ready to talk.
But my iPhone remains silent. What could be so awful that she’d refuse to tell me? That she would break things off with me? I try to think of all the possibilities and my mind spins. Maybe she was abused as a kid? She said her father was an asshole. Maybe she has a disease? Maybe she used to be a man? No, okay, that’s going too far. But whatever it is, she’s afraid to tell me.
My doorbell rings and startles me so badly I jump back from the table and knock over my chair. I sigh and run my fingers through my hair to contain the mess it is before opening the door.
“Package for you, Mr. Park.” Jim, the doorman, is waiting in the hall, his rolling cart piled high with boxes, and he hands me a large, white FedEx box marked International Priority. I thank him and close the door, ripping open the top as soon as I identify Laura’s name on the return address. Inside I find two classic, dark wood frames surrounding four photos a piece of my travels to India. They’re stunning, and I can’t believe I took them with my iPhone. Laura must have edited and printed them up for me. She saw my apartment and the lack of photos on the wall, and she knew what I needed. The box still feels heavy so I turn it upside down on the couch and out falls a photo book wrapped in ribbon with a note attached. “To, Lee. You make me happier than I have ever been. I hope you enjoy these. From, Laura.”
I rip the ribbon off the book, and the pages fall open to a sexy picture of Laura in only a black bra and underwear. She’s smiling, coy and flirtatious, and my eyes run over her toned body from her head, down across her breasts to her flat stomach and curvy hips. No woman has ever sent me sexy photos before. It’s something every straight man dreams of happening but few ever achieve this goal. Just three days ago, Laura wrote that I make her happy. I think I still do. I’m sure I still do. Whatever caused her to hang up the FaceTime call, it must be pretty bad for her.
I flip through the book and an ache grows in my gut. I want her so badly I may die if I don’t touch her or kiss her ever again. I stop on a photo of Laura on her bed, on all fours, her hair fallen across her face, lips parted, and blood starts to race through my body.
Back on the kitchen table, my iPhone buzzes twice with a text message so I run to it.
Cori Winslow
Whenever you’re done talking to Laura, can you come by?
Lee Park
I’m coming down in a minute.
I need some advice.
I throw on jeans, socks, and shoes and make it down to Cori and Chris’s apartment in less than five minutes. She opens the door and the living room is in chaos behind her, boxes everywhere, and two rolling suitcases stand ready. Evie is dancing to some children’s television show with a giant red and bumpy one-eyed monster singing about food.
“Lee, thanks for coming down so quickly. I didn’t expect you to be done with Laura for another hour.”
“The phone call ended unexpectedly. I think Laura tried to break up with me?” I ask a question because I’m not sure.
“What?” Cori exclaims and pulls me into the kitchen. “Tell me what happened. Everything.”
I explain all the details of what I can remember, her sad greeting, the way we joked about sex, and how she grew pale and distant before she told me not to come visit her. Cori nods through the whole explanation, her fingers either drumming on the countertop or playing with the cord on her loose yoga pants.
> “You need to go to her, Lee. Now.” She grabs me by the arm and starts pushing me out of her apartment. “I don’t care what she said. She needs you. If you were there, she would tell you everything, I’m sure of it.”
“Really?” I stop and push her away from me for a second.
“Yes, I’m one hundred and fifty percent positive. I think she thinks you’re going to break up with her if you find out whatever’s bothering her, so she would rather push you away than tell you. But if you go to her, the situation will be different because physical presence changes everything. If she could look you in the eye, she’ll know you won’t dump her. Because you won’t, right?” Cori pokes me in the chest with her index finger, hard.
“Ow! Cori, it would have to be something truly devastating. But even if she had cancer or something, I would still want to be with her.” Cori is right. Laura can’t see me and doesn’t know how in love with her I am. I haven’t even told her yet. I can’t let this end without telling Laura how much I love her.
Cori smiles and shakes her head. “See, Lee? I knew from the moment you texted me her photo, she’s the right one for you. Don’t blow it now. Go home, pack your bag, and get to Incheon for the next flight out.”
She turns me and pushes me towards the door, but I stop myself in the hallway. “Wait! What’s going on here?” I turn and gesture at the bags.
“Lee,” she exclaims, jumping and throwing her arms around my neck, “I’m pregnant again. Chris and I have been trying for a year, and I’m finally fifteen weeks along.”
“That’s great, Cori.” I squeeze her back and let go. “Congratulations.”
“I’m taking Evie for a quick trip to Chicago to visit my parents and friends before I’m too big to fly again. We’ll be back in two weeks. I was going to ask you to apartment-sit for me while you were here but…” She smiles and squeezes my arm. “You’ll be gone too. Want me to ask Jim at the front desk to come in?”
“Yes,” I say, opening the door and slipping my shoes back on. “Give him my key and ask him to watch the place until I return.” I race to the elevator, checking flight times along the way. There’s a flight that leaves in three hours. I can just make it.
I tap on my phone to call Min-Yung, my assistant.
“Mr. Park! I wasn’t expecting to hear from you for another few days. What can I do for you?”
“Book me first class on the flight from Incheon to JFK leaving in three hours. I’m heading to New York early and won’t be in the office.”
A moment of silence stretches on the phone as the elevator rises to my floor and I fear the call has dropped.
“Okay, Mr. Park. I have you booked on the flight. Why are you leaving early?”
I sigh as I walk down the hall back to my apartment. “Personal business, Min-Yung, and…” I debate whether or not I should even say anything but, “please do not mention my whereabouts to anyone, especially Sandra. Sandra and I broke up two months ago. I don’t want her calling or texting me while I’m away.”
“Hmmm, Mr. Park. She calls here once a day. What would you like me to do?” She sounds skeptical, like there’s no way Sandra and I would ever break up.
“Please take a message and don’t tell her anything. All right?”
“Okay, Mr. Park.”
Sure, but for some reason I don’t think it’s going to be easy for Min-Yung not to gossip about me.
I end the call, open my apartment door, and head straight for my suitcase.
(>’o’)> ♥ <(‘o’<)
The news doesn’t quit this Tuesday. My father calls as I’m standing in line at the gate to board my flight to JFK. I packed like a madman, got a cab, and made it to the airport in record time. Laura still hasn’t written me back. If everything goes well, I’ll be in New York by the late morning, and we can talk this out face to face.
“Verdict is in, and we won, Lee. The papers went crazy with baseball references. You owe me a bottle of Scotch.”
“That’s great news, Dad. You must be so happy.” I sip from my bottle of water and inch forward in line another two steps. Looking out the window, I watch a plane lift off and take flight into a sunny, blue sky. I hope the weather in New York is the same.
“Your mother is happy. I’m retired as of tomorrow. Farewell party at the office this evening, dinner out, and tomorrow I wake up a retiree.”
“What’s first on the list?”
“Reading the whole paper, not just the front page, local section, and financial news.” He laughs the barking laugh I’ve known since I was a kid. I haven’t heard it in a while.
“Sounds like a promising start.”
“When are you coming home, Lee? We’d like to see you.” Translation: your brother and I would like to see you. I sigh, but hold the phone away from my face so he can’t hear me.
“I was thinking mid-July when the weather in Seattle is better. I’m going to bring Laura as long as we’re still together.”
“Okay.”
“I’m on my way to New York right now to visit her.”
Looking down at my feet, I hug my arm across my chest and wait.
“Okay, Lee. I’ll do my best to prepare your mother. Maybe in July, you’ll want to stay in the city and show your girlfriend around. Has she ever been to Seattle?”
“No,” I say, surprised. This is the first time my father has suggested I stay in a hotel instead of staying at home. I got a hotel room for one night last time I was in Seattle so Sandra and I could have sex, but we didn’t even use it for more than an hour. “No, I don’t think she’s ever been there.”
“Then I think that would be best.”
“Okay.” Shit, I don’t know whether to be happy or sad about this. I’m being kicked out of the nest, but, hell, I’m thirty-five years old. I should have a nest of my own by now, a wife and kids. It would be nice to stay in a hotel with Laura instead of her staying in the city and me being out in the suburbs. That is, if this grand gesture of flying to New York after she told me not to call, text, or come to her works. “Sure, Dad. Not a problem.”
My phone buzzes next to my head, and I pull the phone away to find a text from Sandra.
Sandra Kwon
I had dinner with your mother last night and she tells me you’re dating some woman in New York. I hope you realize this means we’re over for good.
Oh my god, she does not get the hint.
“Dad, I’m really happy for you. You deserve this win, but I’ve gotta go. I’m boarding my plane.” I hand off my paper boarding pass to a flight attendant who scans it and waves me towards the gangway.
“Have a safe flight, Lee.”
“Thanks. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Sure. Call again soon.”
“Bye, Dad.”
I switch over to iMessages and decide it’s time to deal with Sandra instead of deleting her texts over and over.
Lee Park
We’ve been over for two months.
Done.
Fuck off, Sandra.
You contact me again and I’ll tell every last friend of ours in Seattle that you’re stalking me.
She starts to reply to my text but the bubble vanishes and my phone stays silent. Good. I think I finally got through to her. We’re over. We’re done. And I’m on my way to find out why the woman I love won’t talk to me.
I hope I can sleep on the plane.
Chapter
Twenty-Five
=
Laura
“I can’t believe I broke up with Lee! Why would I do such a thing?” I wail into my hands at Theresa’s apartment. After I puked my guts out and cried in bed for an hour, I cleaned myself up, called Theresa, and ended up on her couch. Mike is in the kitchen pouring me a glass of seltzer.
“I don’t think you broke up with him, Laura. You freaked out on him and hung up the phone.” Theresa’s hand is warm and comforting on my back, rubbing in circles. Mike appears in front of me, a glass of bubbling water in hand, and I take it gratefully. He
yawns, his wavy, unruly hair standing straight out from his head. He just got off a shift at the restaurant, and I invaded his home.
“I’m going to get ready for bed since this is girl stuff.”
Theresa smirks at him, and he shuffles off to their bedroom.
“Laura, it’ll be okay. Why didn’t you tell him? I think he would have understood.”
“I wanted to see him so badly,” I moan, clutching my hand to my aching chest. My heart is hollow. “But I couldn’t bear the thought of him coming all the way here, telling him, and having him turn around and leave. I remember the way Rene turned on me and left, and I couldn’t do it. I just… I saw my life from someone else’s perspective for once and thought about what a complete fuck up I am. I can’t do anything right.”
“That’s not true,” she says, squeezing my shoulders. “You are the most independent, kind, thoughtful, funny, adventurous person I know. When things were bad for you, you were always smart enough to trust the right people and get back up again. Most people in your situation would have died, you know that?”
I shake my head. “I got myself into that situation. It hardly seems noble I got myself back out again.”
Theresa’s eyes widen, her mouth dropping open. “Are you kidding me? Your family should have helped you, stood by you, but they abandoned you.”
I shrug my shoulders at her. “I couldn’t expect them to do much for me.”
“That’s bullshit, Laura. You should never have gone to New Orleans. I worried about you for five years. Five years of silence, Laura, and every time I went to church, I prayed you weren’t dead.” I avert my gaze from her watery green eyes. I had no access to a phone or computer for years, yet I still feel guilty for not staying in touch. “Your mother and father should have taken you in and cared for you. Look, I’ve never judged them or you, but that whole situation is the stuff of nightmares. If I ever do that to my own children, may God strike me down. It’s one thing to expect your kids to be independent and it’s another to leave them to die.”
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