Lee surprises me again by picking a modern and chic place to meet. The Purple Cafe is a bar with a soaring, two-story, open seating area. When I enter, the staircase, spiraling around a huge cylindrical center wine shelf, greets me. The bar hugs half of the wine shelf, and people are already seated along the length, off work early, having drinks and chatting. I don’t find Lee until I head left past the stairs. He’s secured a two-top for us. A cheese plate with cured meats and figs sits on the table next to two glasses of red wine.
Standing up, he smiles at me, and I grin back. I wonder if I’ll ever lose this feeling, the one where I look at him and think, “Holy shit, this guy is my boyfriend.” I can’t believe I met him in a bar in New York. I can’t believe he talked to me after I told him to mind his own business. I can’t believe what a good lay he is. Wow, I’m head over heels for him. A tug straight from my navel pulls me to him, and I want to run, want to jump into his arms and never leave. Our attraction is so complicated yet simply instinctual. It must be right.
Lee’s wearing an untucked white button down shirt and dark jeans with black shined shoes that come to a point. His hair is somewhat calm, though I truly love it messy. He leans to the side to peer past me, and I glance back to find two men at the bar checking my ass as I walk by.
“I swear that only happens with these pants.” I laugh and kiss him at the table, but I make a little show of it, not just a peck, but a full-on kiss. If anyone had any doubts we’re dating, they wouldn’t now. I love how warm he is — never cold — and I take a moment in his arms to capture some of his heat and keep it with me.
“I may need to burn the pants,” he says, turning and pulling out my chair. “And, no, Kade checked you out at the restaurant yesterday.”
“Your nephew?”
“Yes.” He sits down and smirks at me. “You turn heads wherever you go.”
“Poor young Kade. I’m like reverse jail-bait.”
“Oh my god.” He laughs and shakes his head. “Don’t even joke about that.”
“Sorry.” I smile back at him. My foot bumps up against something under the table, and I lean over and see the large white bag.
“No peeking. It’s a surprise.”
Too big to be jewelry. Maybe it’s more clothing? Hmmm.
“How was your afternoon?” he asks, handing me a plate, and my stomach growls in response. I spent the last few hours walking around and didn’t even snack on anything since lunch. I load up my plate with crackers, cheese, olives, and sopressata, and talk when my mouth isn’t full. I walked all over downtown starting at the Market first. I wanted to do some of the tourist things one does in Seattle. I watched fish being tossed but enjoyed more time watching people on the boardwalk outside. I walked south along First Avenue and came across the Seattle Art Museum where I spent almost an hour wandering through the exhibits. I love museums, but they make me sleepy. No matter how interested I am in an artist, I yawn and yawn, so an hour is about all I can handle.
“I have no idea how I ended up at the library. It was raining, again, so I wasn’t watching where I was going.”
“Do you always sightsee like that? Randomly?” he asks, spreading some cheese on bread.
“No. I like make plans to see a few things when I travel, but this trip was a little unexpected.” Sipping the wine, I roll it in my mouth again, and it’s peppery with hints of currant. “Mmmm, the wine is nice. I shouldn’t drink too much, though, because your family is bound to be hard on me tonight.”
He frowns. “Maybe you should numb the pain and have more. I’m only going to drink one glass since I’m driving.” He reaches around the plates and takes my hand, squeezing it. “It’s okay, really…”
“Lee, please don’t lie to me…”
“I’m not lying,” he says, softly.
“Well, maybe it’s okay for you. I knew it would be hard on them all, me not being Korean…”
“It’s more that you’re not Sandra than anything else, Laura. I’m sure not being Korean is just the icing on the cake.” He sneers, and my stomach drops.
I let go of his hand and draw it back to my lap, as if it’s an injured animal.
“Wait,” he says. “That didn’t come out the way I meant it to.” He takes a deep breath and lets it all out again. “I’ve been trying my entire life to please my family, and it’s always been a struggle. Always, Laura. Since I was a kid, my mom would pick fights with me over everything. Nari, too.”
Shit. I forgot to tell him about Nari.
“Jin was older and had his own life. My father was the only one who was kind to me. I hate fighting, Laura. Hate it. I hate arguing. I hate being picked on…”
Now I feel bad for him, so I reach back and take his hand again.
“I’m a happy guy. Nothing really gets me down. This constant fight is too much for me. Remember, yesterday you said, ‘Stand by your principles, Lee,’ and told me never to come back here if I didn’t want to?”
“Yes. I meant it.”
“That’s what I want. To leave and never come back. I can’t please these people. I’ve tried and always failed, and I’ve just…” He shakes his head sadly. “Just had enough.” He squeezes my hand and pulls on it. “You’re more important to me.”
My heart is beating so fast I have to hold my breath, but the wine and exhaustion from the day is making me faint. Breathe.
“You look pale, Laura.” He tilts his head and narrows his eyes at me.
“I’m freaking out a little… in a good way,” I add when his face almost dissolves into a frown. Instead, he smiles. “Lee, I don’t want you to have to choose me over your family.”
“It doesn’t matter, Laura. They gave me no other choice. You’re the open and accepting one, not them. Wouldn’t you do the same in my position?”
I stop for a moment and think while chewing on an olive.
“Let me tell you a little story, Lee.” I take a sip of wine and sit back. “You saw the photo of me in New Orleans…”
He nods. “It didn’t even look like you.”
“After I had the abortion, my father kicked me out of the house. Threw my belongings onto the front lawn, Lee. Total drama queen, my fucking father. I was… not in the best of shape, underweight and sick and still bleeding. I took the train to the city and then a bus to New Orleans after calling a college friend for help. She did Habitat for Humanity during her summers and it always sounded like a lot of fun. I didn’t know anyone in New Orleans and couch surfed for a while. I also had no money…”
Lee leans forward and switches my almost-empty wine glass with his almost-full one and smiles at me to continue.
“I lived on the couch of this heroin addict. She worked in a gas station and what little money she made she used to get high, and what little money I had was used for food. I lived on one peanut butter sandwich per day for six weeks straight. One.” I hold up my finger and stop, twirling the olive on my plate around. Those days were so sparse, a living nightmare. At the time, I would have given anything for a glass of wine and an olive. I even considered prostitution for a while, but I’d had enough of sex. “Some days I would eat half the sandwich in the morning and half at night, just so I wouldn’t pass out. I called my father for help after four weeks. I asked for a hundred dollars — just one hundred. With that kind of money I could afford to eat until I found a job.”
“He didn’t give it to you?” He seems shocked but his tone of voice indicates he already knows the answer.
“He hung up the phone after I asked for the money. I think he figured that if I starved to death far away from him, he wouldn’t have to claim any responsibility for me.”
“Dear god, Laura. What did you do?”
“When the bread and peanut butter ran out, I, um… Uhhh.” I try to swallow, but my throat is a desert. “I ate out of dumpsters for a while until I realized meat went bad a lot quicker than peanut butter did. I got sick a few times and lost even more weight. Then thankfully, I met Paul at a soup kitchen. I don’t
know how skin-and-bones me managed to charm him but I did, and he was a nice guy. He let me sleep on his couch and got me a job washing dishes at a restaurant, and they fed me until I was strong enough to wait tables. And it was a good thing too, because, Nancy, the heroin addict, died three weeks after I left.
“Lee, strangers were kinder to me than my own father. My mother was so sedated, she never even knew how bad my life was. I don’t think she asked for me or tried to find some way to be in touch because we’ve never talked about it. Lee, I still went back to them like an idiot. I didn’t learn my lesson that time. I know better now. Honestly, I can’t know when you’re fed up enough to be done. Only you can.”
Lee is silent and staring at his plate, and I’m… I’m ashamed of my past. Really ashamed, want to crawl under this table ashamed. I think I said too much. How will he ever look at me and not feel pity for me again?
“I wish these things had never happened to you.” His voice is low and sad. “It kills me to know you were starving, and I was practically living in the lap of luxury.”
“Don’t feel bad for me, Lee. I don’t want this to change things.”
“It’s not.” He places his hand over mine again on the table. “It reminds me of how strong you are, and I love you more the more you trust in me. I’m grateful you’re still alive.”
Maybe it’s not pity. Maybe it’s admiration? I survived an incredibly horrendous decade and lived to speak about it.
“I’m grateful too. I really am. There’s a lot worth living for. Good food, exercise, traveling, sex…” We both smile at each other, and my abdomen buzzes with excitement. “And, eventually, having a family of my own I’ll cherish and never lose sight of.”
“I love all those things, too. But, Laura, you forgave your mom?”
“Yes and no.” I shrug my shoulders and release my hand from under Lee’s to drink more wine. “I’ve had some time to think about it these past few days. I love my mom, but she always wanted to control me. She wanted me to have the Connecticut husband, the perfect Connecticut home and babies — still does — because she was ashamed of me. She did everything she could to shame me into behaving properly. When I didn’t fit her mold, she stopped caring. She only pretended to care when she needed help. Not much of a parent, you know?”
Lee nods and sits back, and I finish the last bit of cheese on my plate.
“I don’t think it’s fair,” I say, grabbing Lee’s attention, “to have to live up to someone else’s expectations your entire life, or to have to live in the shadow of someone’s ghost like I do with David. And, you should know, I may never eat peanut butter again. I used to love it.”
“I’ll throw away my jar when we get to Seoul. And you’re right, of course,” Lee says. “I’ve tried and tried with my mother. I don’t think it’s anything I’ve done. It’s just the way things are.”
“Lee, don’t think of it as giving up. Think of it as gaining freedom.”
Lee’s iPhone, that had been sitting silent on the table, lights up with an incoming call. “Why is Nari calling me?” he asks, picking it up.
“Hello? What’s up, Nari?” His voice is full of annoyance, and I cringe. Don’t be too hard on her, Lee. He closes his eyes and sighs, mouthing “fuck” at me. “Okay, yeah. Yeah, we’ll come now and hope we leave before they show up.” Then he’s silent, listening. “Thanks, Nari. I appreciate it.” He pulls his phone away from his face and stares at the screen quizzically for a moment before turning it off.
“Nari informs me my mother has a surprise for us this evening. She’s invited my father’s partners from the firm over to persuade me to stay in Seattle and take over his part of the practice, and Sandra will be there, too.”
My blood cools as I watch Lee try to control his anger. His face loses all of its happy glow, darkening his eyes and dulling them to stone, and his mouth settles into a straight, immovable line. With a shaking hand, I loosen his iPhone from the iron death grip he has it in and set it on the table.
“Are you okay, Lee?” I wait to see if he’s going to relax, but he’s still fuming silently.
“Why?” he starts, but closes his eyes, and I swear he’s counting to ten. “Why did Nari call me?” he asks me in disbelief. “I would think she’d be all for making my life a living hell.”
“Lee, let’s go.” I pick up my glass and down the last of my wine then guzzle Lee’s too before signaling for the check. “I have much to tell you about Nari on the way.”
Chapter
Thirty-Eight
=
Lee
The drive to my parents’ house is enlightening. Nari was always jealous of me? She was depressed? She’s an alcoholic, went to AA, got sober, and is in therapy. All the news comes straight from Laura, and that’s the most amazing part. Would Nari have ever even approached me if it weren’t for Laura?
“She said she spent a lot of time hiding everything from the family, Lee. She got lucky you were always at school or work and then Korea. But it was ten times as hard once you started dating Sandra. Really, she wants to tell you this herself, so I won’t go into any more details.”
Laura cranes her head to look out the window and up at the house as I pull into the horseshoe drive and park in front of the five-car garage. The landscapers have been busy planting spring flowers and keeping the lawn short. My mother added pots of bright pink and orange flowers around the pond to the side of the house. She’s been busy.
My hands shake as I walk Laura to the front door. What I want to do is take her by the arm, turn around, leave, and never come back. I haven’t warned Laura about the private detective and his dossier on her. How does one even approach a subject like that? It would kill her. I’m hoping this is all a joke, and we have nothing to worry about.
We let ourselves in the front door, and the house beeps robotically, the alarm system chiming and announcing our arrival. This is the house my father built when he finally “made it big.” Before this, we lived two neighborhoods over in a completely fine four-bedroom, late-fifties ranch. But my dad had big plans and dreamed of the perfect house, so he built this. He loved modern architecture, passing his love of clean lines and acute angles down to me. While I was in college, we took a trip down the coast of California to view mid-century modern homes. I don’t even remember half of the ones we looked at but I do remember every dinner we had together, every drink, every conversation.
He had this house built to remind him of all the things he loved about mid-century modern design. The front entryway is a large atrium with warm stone floors and natural sunlight from skylights, and I’m immediately calmed when I walk in. The house has three stories, but the levels are split over the entire footprint. The bedrooms are in the back. The master suite has a sitting room with floor-to-ceiling windows that lead out to the Asian garden. My father’s study is on the second floor over the entryway. The general layout is hard to describe, and everyone who comes here gets lost.
“I love this house,” I say, removing my shoes at the door and getting into house slippers. “I want to build something like this for myself someday.” I pick out a pair of slippers for Laura and hold her hand while she takes off her heels. Suddenly, she’s shorter than me again. “Hmmm, I was just getting used to you at eye-level. This is the first time I’ve seen you in heels.”
“I like flats. Ensures a quick getaway, if I need one.” I’m about to open my mouth and inquire into whatever new and incredible tale she has when she shakes her head and smiles. “Don’t ask. An incident in Singapore, and it’s possible I’m on a black-list.”
“My experience as a lawyer is going to come in handy in the future, isn’t it?”
“No worries, Lee. I’m not as reckless as I used to be.”
“Something tells me that’s the biggest lie I’ve ever heard.”
“I would never lie to you, Lee.” She bats her eyes at me and clasps her hands like a not-so-innocent four year old. If my life was boring before Laura, she is going to make it wort
h living from here on out. Never a dull moment when she’s around. I want to pick her up, throw her over my shoulder, get her to the couch, and then tickle her until she confesses every little thing to me.
“Lee. Laura.” Nari turns the corner of the hallway to the kitchen and smiles at us both. I scowl back but stop immediately, sighing at my stupid instincts. I have to remember everything Laura told me today in the car. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but a thirty-year history is hard to forget. “I’m glad you came early. Mom, Chase, and I are in the kitchen. I’m about to make Chase an early dinner since Mom catered tonight. Jin and Mimi aren’t here yet. Danny is having a drink in Dad’s study, Lee, if you want to join him.”
Nari is already taking Laura by the arm to lead her away. Nari’s voice is quiet, and she’s unable to make long eye contact with me. I’ve never seen her humbled before, and it warms me in a way words cannot. I stop her and lean in to give her a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll come down in a bit, and you and I can go out to see the fish in the pond, okay?” It was one of our favorite things to while away an afternoon as kids, to sit next to the pond, and drag our hands in the water until the fish would swim to us. Some years there were frogs too, if we were lucky. Snakes, if we were unlucky. Despite the fact that we fought a lot, we still have a few things that make us smile.
“I’d love that,” Nari responds, and I kiss Laura on the cheek before heading up the stairs.
From below, I hear Nari whisper, “You told him?” I turn my head back while climbing, and Laura smiles and nods before Nari embraces her in a hug. I shake my head in wonder.
(>’o’)> ♥ <(‘o’<)
Daniel pours me a Scotch with one ice cube, and I take a long sip. I don’t think I can face my mother completely sober.
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