Denzel Washington, as I’ve mentioned before, is one seriously cool customer. But at the Man on Fire junket, he was just that … on fucking fire and ready to play! So right from the get-go, we both made an unspoken promise to each other to burn that mutha down! I poured the gasoline, he lit the match, and a team of studio reps, publicists, and innocent bystanders gleefully watched that motherfucker burn!
Me: We are uncensored. That just means you can be a little feisty if you’re feeling it.
Denzel: Okay, okay, then take your clothes off. Do the whole thing naked! You better start asking questions. You’re getting yourself in trouble, or me!
I have to admit, he caught me totally off-guard. I did not see that coming, and I’m pretty sure that I was just standing there looking at him with a silly grin two sizes too big for my face. But I wasn’t smiling out of nervousness; I was smiling because I realized I could go with plan B! Plan A was good, but plan B was just plain stoopid!!!
Me: I want to know what a concubine is and how do I become yours? (It was from a blink-and-you-missed-it moment in the film … but I was about to make it the only thing he’ll ever remember from it!)
Denzel: Dial 1-800-lawyer. Do you feel like giving away half? Dial 1-800-lawyer, when you meet young women like this. THINK HALF. You’re married. Half. (He pretends to cut off his own hand.) Because that’s what it’s gonna be. 1-800-lawyer, you’re broke! You’re busted! You’re finished.
Me: You’re awesome!
Denzel: You know, you’re bad. What should we do about that? (He points at me like a schoolteacher.) What should we do about that? I think you need to be spanked.
Me: Ohhh! (With a devilish grin.)
Denzel: I didn’t say by me! Because 1-800-lawyer.
At this point, the interview was blockbuster, but it got even better. Want to know why? Because I got out of my fucking chair. There was a scene in the movie where Denzel’s character teaches a very young Dakota Fanning how to burp, so how could I not ask for a live demonstration? Thinking he would recite the alphabet in one long bass note like most guys, he regressed into something way more childish.
Denzel: Well, if you’ll help me … you gotta, like, burp me or something.
(I pop up from my seat and walk over to Denzel, who is now sucking his thumb and crying like a baby.)
Denzel: Waah! Waah!
Me: Put your head on my shoulder, honey, okay, okay. (I pat him a few times, but he is laughing so hard he starts coughing and wheezing.)
Denzel: I can’t do that. I used to really know how to do it. Like, uh, make a belch. Can you do it?
Me: Yes.
Denzel: Go ahead.
Me: (I rip one from deep in my diaphragm like a boss. I could tell he was impressed and feeling a little competitive.)
As they started to wrap me up in the room, I decided to ask him for an ID. A-listers seldom did these “mini commercials” unless they really dug the outlet, but now that we had figured out how to split the assets, I just had to know: Is this was a momentary lapse of reason … or true like?
Me: Would you mind doing an ID for me? Do you do those?
Denzel: Only if you come over here and do it with me.
(I stand behind Denzel, lean on his shoulder, and put my hand up his back like a puppet. As I talk, he moves his mouth silently like a ventriloquist’s dummy.)
Me: This is Denzel Washington and you know he’s watching NGTV, ’cause that’s just No damn Good Television!
Denzel then sealed the deal by buttoning up the ID with a bit of artistic flourish in the form of an expertly cultivated burp from his own private stock. A fitting end to one of my favorite interviews of all time—publicists still rave about our vaudeville act to this day. And I managed not to get dog-piled, tazed, or dragged away by security.
Studios started to really take to this new brand of interview, especially when it fit with the marketing strategy of the film. So much so that they started requesting us to integrate episodes of my other popular series, In Bed with, which was taking the whole getting physical to an entirely new level. Let’s be clear, I wasn’t getting all nasty and grinding the talent. It was still an upstanding interview show, just lying down. But when you’re in bed wearing silk pajamas and a plush robe, lying on satin pillows and sheets, surrounded by a pink fur backboard and lit candles while holding the cheapest champagne a four-star hotel can provide, it naturally lends itself to more intimately funny encounters.
Without a doubt, one of the most memorable episodes we made was when we were invited to shoot an In Bed With with the cast of the hard-R-rated comedy Sex Drive. It was a filthy, filthy movie and perfect for our audience. When we shot these episodes, we were always mindful of the studio folks and publicists because we knew this show was firmly in the gray area and one misinterpreted action could have disastrous consequences. There was always a bit of walking on pins and needles, but that was par for the course. Anyway, we had finished setting up in the suite at the hotel for the shoot, and moments before they were going to bring in the talent, I was summoned by the head of marketing for the studio. Not a junior publicist but the big cheese. It’s very unusual to have a senior exec request a chat right before taping, so I assumed they had changed their minds, or something was very wrong. So me and my pink pajamas, ready for disappointment, scurried over to the exec’s private room for a quick “How’s your father?”
It was there that I was presented with the very last thing I ever expected to hear from a movie studio exec (and I thought I was ahead of the curve). Much to my relief, it turned out that she was a huge fan of our site and format and was the one who’d specifically requested the In Bed With setup. So far, so good. Then came the jaw-dropping request that had brought us together:
“I would really appreciate it if you would go further than you normally would in your interviews today,” she said.
All I could think of was … huh? I’m sure my head tilted like a dog’s, too. That was a first. I have to admit, I was a bit wary.
She went on, “I really want you to push the boundaries with these guys. I want you to take them to the edge and be as filthy as possible. Just got for it!”
“Absolutely!” I replied. “Whatever you want; as long as you don’t call security, I’m down to play.”
Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I had to ask what this was all about. Apparently, these guys had made this super-dirty film and were boasting about how they had pushed the boundaries of all the execs. This was a little payback. She wanted to have a bit of fun at their expense now, to show them how it’s really done, and I was their weapon of choice. As I walked away to fulfill my mission, she repeated:
“Just make this the dirtiest In Bed With you’ve ever done, okay? I want to see how far you can go.”
“Done and done!” I confirmed. She didn’t need to threaten me with a good time.
“I want you to take them to their breaking point,” she ended gleefully.
The interview was indeed one of raunchiest I’ve ever done, centered on “big black cocks” and oral sex.
First up to join me in bed were costars Seth Green (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Family Guy, Robot Chicken) and Clark Duke (The Office, Hot Tub Time Machine, Kick-Ass). Holding a flute of champagne, they each slid into either side of the bed, with me snugly in the middle. We proceeded to talk about group sex, sex toys, motor-boating, being the fluffer on The Tonight Show, as well as Seth spreading his seed everywhere he goes, but just before it was over … we took it to another level with the sticky dragon:
Me: We need to discuss this film on the boner scale.
Seth: How?
Me: How would you rate this?
Clark: This movie gives boners, boners.
Me: Whoa!
Seth: It’s true.
Me: Is that probably the highest rating you can give it?
Clark: (Demonstrates with his hands how a boner gets a boner.) I’m sorta a Steve McQueen type, you know. The rules just don’t apply.
&nbs
p; Me: (To Seth:) Doesn’t that make him sexier?
Seth: There are none more sexy than Clark Duke unless you’re talking about James Marsden.
Me: Ummm.
Clark: That’s true.
Seth: As far as men go, ’cause with women, you’re right at the peak.
Clark: Yeah.
Me: Oooh. Oh God, you just want to fuckin’ punch him …
Seth: Oh … I just wanted to fuck him.
Me: In the greatest way possible.
Clark: I’ll just say I want to punch and fuck him.
Me: At the same time?
Clark: Yeah.
(We all laugh.)
Seth: No, no, he’s got a very specific sequence where he likes the fucking and then the punching, like right upon the orgasm.
Me: When does the donut come in?
Seth: Me and Clark both with a stack of half a dozen if that’s what you mean.
Clark: Thanks, buddy!
Seth: Anytime, buddy! I got your back, man.
Me: (To camera:) You guys need to go. Thanks for coming. I hope we didn’t keep you up. Motherfuckers, it’s Sex Drive! And I gotta go. Go away!
(Laughter.)
Clark: Please go see Sex Drive.
Seth: (Gets up from his position and goes to the bottom of the bed and grabs my ankles.) We really oughta spend a few more minutes going to see Sex Drive. (He lifts my left leg up and pulls me down into position then simulates going down on me.) Excuse me, guys!
It broke my rule because my legs were up in the air, but it was the craziest end to an interview ever! But I have to admit, I was mortified when the whole thing was going down, and not for the reason you’re guessing right now. My mind was spinning, thinking:
A. This is amazing! Not because he was so good at it (he was faking it and faking it good) but because it was on camera.
B. Oh fuck. This is on camera!
C. I’m sweating my ass off and I’m wearing satin, on satin sheets, under hot lights. Please, please, please don’t have any sweat stains or other embarrassing wet spots anywhere! I was petrified that when he got down there he was going to find something to rival Fergie’s infamous pee stain from when she wet herself while performing.
Fortunately, I was in fighting form. That bit of fake oral did, however, end up being a wonderful icebreaker every time I would run into Seth and his then-girlfriend and future wife, Clare Grant. Fortunately, I knew Clare before she met Seth because she was a veteran of the NGTV parties, so it was always a big laugh. They are great couple and she’s one cool chick, and I’m not just saying that because her husband once went down on me on camera. I swear!
We had quite the crowd watching on the monitors in the other rooms, and it was time to take it even further, so the fun continued with costars Amanda Crew, who was a frequent guest at No Good TV and super fun. (She recently appeared in the film Age of Adaline and currently stars in the HBO series Silicon Valley.) and NGTV virgin Josh Zuckerman. Josh has gone on to star in Desperate Housewives and the reboot of 90210. Again, it all started with me in the middle of the bed on my knees screaming “AMANDA” with my arms out. Amanda comes running in and throws herself into my arms, and we fly backward into the bed and start making out as I grab her ass. Oh yeah! I know her! We covered a lot of ground that day. It started with Amanda and I feeling each other’s chimichongas before diving into a little oral sex etiquette, but soon thereafter, we settled on a subject we both held very dear: dicks and the age-old discussion of whether two men making sweet, sweet love to a woman in the same orifice is gay or not:
Amanda: I do love penises.
Me: Who doesn’t? Cheers to that. Let’s just toast that moment right there.
Amanda: We love the cock!
Me: We love the cock!
Amanda: Love the cock!
Me: Love the Cock. Josh, do you love the cock?
Josh: I’m putting down my champagne!
(Laughter.)
Amanda: Okay. But let me talk about this penis.
Me: Yes. Yes.
Amanda: We shot, for the DVD extra features, some naked people in front of a green screen, and so we ended up having this barbecue the night before at John’s house—one of the writers. And he’s like, you can see some of the models that we chose. You can go on, anyone can go on this Web site. You don’t have to pay for this site. You can see naked people. You can see naked girls. And it says what they’ll do, like, you know, um, “cream pie,” which is like when a lot of guys …
Josh: Oh my God.
Amanda: … finish inside of them!
Josh: You gotta be kidding me.
Amanda: Or there’s another term for it, but it’s like when they take two penises in at the same time, which we were debating like … is that gay? YES. Their penises are touching each other’s.
Me: Not gay. I’m gonna say not gay. Not gay? (To Josh.)
Josh: Wait, I’m confused about the whole procedure.
Me: Double penetration. Not gay.
Amanda: It is gay!!
Josh: Wait. Double pene … (Looking confused.)
Amanda: Your cock is touching another guy’s cock. How is that not gay?
Me: You touch one dick. Does not make you gay!
Josh: Well, see … if two dicks are touching …
Amanda: I disagree.
Me: Two dicks on top of yours might be gay. One dick, not gay!
Amanda: I don’t know.
Me: ’Cause you’re still fucking a girl.
Josh: (To me:) I agree with you.
Amanda: But I think it’s almost impossible to get two penises in the vagina. Not impossible but almost impossible for it to, at least, feel good. Anyways, back to this LA Direct Models.
Me: You’re still young.
Amanda: I know. Right?
Josh: Oh my.
Me: There’s time.
Before we were done that day, we had an in-depth discussion on big black cocks, hooked cocks, banana cocks, as well as glory holes. Needless to say, the studio exec, reps, and publicists got their money’s worth. Everybody laughed their asses off, we shot some funny fuckin’ interviews, and no one got hurt. I would say that was mission accomplished!
There was a time when the stars were practically surrounded by an invisible fence, and if you crossed the line, you’d get zapped and scolded like a dog. “Bad, Carrie, no!” But over time, everyone got used to me breaking on through to the other side. True, we had a few bumps and bruises along the way, but hey, who else was going to risk life and limb to push the somatic boundaries of entertainment journalism? To quote an old Vulcan proverb as stated by Captain Spock in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, “Only Nixon could go to China.”
Which brings me full circle to the time I interviewed the wildboyz from Jackass 3D at a Paramount Pictures junket. Of course, we were still working with our friend from the Nelly fiasco, but we had come a long way, and there were really no surprises on the horizon. At least that’s what everyone told themselves. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that there is no better match made in the movie-verse than Jackass and No Good TV. It was inevitable that our two brands would intersect, but I don’t think anyone connected all the dots correctly, and what proceeded to happen has gone down in the annals of junket-lore.
It was a filthy, funny, fucked-up movie. I laughed myself into a fit and was on the verge of peeing in my pants at the screening. If you like shit being thrown through the air and people drinking each other’s sweat, then Jackass is your Godfather. On the day of the cast interviews, the more I thought about it, the more it didn’t make sense to me to just sit there like a turd in the pool asking questions. They’re stuntmen. I’m certifiable. So we had to get physical, but what do you do to outdo a bunch of guys who’ll shart on each other’s necks for a beer? So I wasn’t going to be able to outdo them; I just needed to surprise them. That I could do. As I waited in the hospitality suite, I noticed that to promote the movie they were giving away stickers in the shape of cocks. Then i
t hit me like a dildo to the forehead. I came up with a fun and interactive game to play with them called Pin the Johnson on the Jackass. Word to the wise, dick games are like dick jokes; they never get old, and they always work. If the dick joke is the North Star of comedy, think of my dick game as the Big Dipper I was going to use to find it.
First it was time to warm them up with a little dick talk:
Me: Okay. So I’m figuring out that the 3-D stands for the flying dick, the swinging dick, and the pissing dick? Is that what the 3-D stands for?
Ryan Dunn: Yep, you got it.
Ehren McGhehey: That’s what you wanted.
Johnny Knoxville: Thank you for the definition.
Me: Now you know.
Bam Margera: You summed it up pretty well.
Me: It’s all dick all the time in this film.
Ryan: You are welcome.
Johnny: Thank you. Thank you.
Me: And thank YOU. Well done.
Jeff Tremaine: Really, there’s a lot of sexiness.
Preston Lacy: Not to mention the gay overtones.
Johnny: Got my tooth knocked out by the dildo bazooka.
Me: You did not!
Johnny: Yeah.
Me: For real? You took a dick in the face.
Johnny: Yeah. Well … in the movie, too.
Jeff: A lot of people think Jackass is just for the boys, and it’s not.
Me: There were more dicks in this movie than I think, like, any other film ever. Even more than a porno!
Johnny: I know.
Bam: And if it wasn’t a real dick then it was a fake dick.
Me: It made me happy on the inside.
Everyone: OHHHHHH!
Me: Chris … always has to put in his … two dicks … or whatever … in somewhere.
Bam: He had some bragging points though; why not show it?
Jeff: He had a woodpecker attack. He had a rat trap. Loving kitty cat.
Chris Pontius: No, that backfired!
Me: He could probably do the infamous booyah on himself. Get the balls and the dick all in the same hole.
Johnny: Put his nuts in his butt?
Me: Yeah.
Bam: You’d have to have, like, a soft-on.
Johnny: Yeah.
Me: True.
Everybody Curses, I Swear! Page 25