by Shey Stahl
I wanted to show Callie that despite me not wanting to be a dad, I was there for her.
What I needed was a grand gesture. A high stick. A way to get her attention.
Monday was Valentine’s Day so I thought what better way than to make her know I was in this, if she wanted me to be. I couldn’t force my way into her life either.
I had practice that morning and I knew she was working. And then Mase, Remy and I took flowers over to Lurie’s Children’s Hospital to those pretty little girls we saw once a month.
For about a year now, the three of us have been going there to hang out with the kids, teach them about hockey and give them something to look forward to. I for one immediately fell for this two-year-old little girl named Ryland. She had these bright blue eyes and the sweetest smile imaginable. Her cancer, stage four neuroblastoma, a cancer affecting the nerve tissue in children, had taken over her life. From the time she was sixteen months old, she’s spent every day in this hospital fighting a battle she didn’t stand a chance of winning.
She never spoke to me much, other than a hello, or saying. “He le,” which I was informed meant, “Hello, Leo.”
We never did a whole lot while we were there, just hung out with the kids, read them books, played games, anything to make them feel normal even if it was just for a few hours. I’d brought Ryland a pink balloon with some lilies, her favorite flower, and set them next to her bed along with the plastic bag I brought in of jerseys to give them.
Ryland’s eyes lit up when she saw me, the puffiness in her face slightly better than the last time I saw her.
“How’s our girl doin’?” I asked her mom, Jillian.
Jillian looked at me, then the flowers, and then finally at Ryland who noticed me. “She’s having a good day today.”
I watched Ryland, her smile widening as I stepped closer, her tiny arms wrapped around a red bear sitting next to her. “Le!”
“Hey Ry,” I sat next to her bed reaching for her hand. “How’s the princess doin’?”
She said nothing that I understood, just started pushing books at me to read and then patting the bed, eager for me to get in with her like I always did. She even tossed the bear on the floor.
Her dad snorted, entering the room and smiling at me. “Goes to show you who she loves more.” Heath said, a certain amount of jealousy in his tone.
I laughed and reached into my coat pocket. “Here.” I handed him three tickets to our home game against the Penguins next Sunday.
His eyes lit up. “Okay, I forgive you for stealing my daughter’s heart.”
He most certainly didn’t but tickets to the game helped. Heath was a huge Penguins fan but since I’d been visiting his daughter, he was starting to come around to the idea of liking the Blackhawks.
Picking up the bag, I pulled out the three Blackhawks’ jerseys and handed one to Heath, one to Jillian and one to Ryland. She stared at hers, smiling and pointed to the number eight on the back. “Le!”
Heath laughed and looked at Jillian. “Figures he’d make us support his ass.”
“Hey,” I held up my palms as I got into bed with Ryland. “Free tickets means you support me.”
“Fair enough.” He grumbled with a smile, winking at Jillian. I couldn’t imagine the two of them had been out of this hospital in months. In fact, I knew they hadn’t.
“Can she escape this prison for a night?” I asked, kissing the top of Ryland’s little bald head.
Jillian appeared a little nervous, thinking about the risk of having her baby around screaming fans and germs. “We might be able to take her for a little while.”
“Well, how about this, take her for the opening ceremonies, then we’ll have her doctors there with her in the locker room while you guys enjoy the game. Could that work?”
“I… I couldn’t afford to have her doctor come with us, Leo.” Jillian’s eyes dropped to the jersey in her hand, clutching it tightly. Lucky for her, and she had no idea, I’d already arranged this and paid for anything extra that needed to be done.
“You let me worry about that. This is for you guys.”
Ryland pushed the book in my face, begging me to read to her so that’s what I did. Heath and Jillian stepped out for a while, a nice break for them, while I just enjoyed being number one to this girl in my arms. Part of me wondered if it would be like this when Callie had the baby. I had myself convinced I wasn’t father material. Didn’t want to be for reasons like this and my own personal reasons that stemmed from my own childhood. I mean, look at my father and then look at a father like Heath, one who quit his job to be with his dying child.
My thoughts were all over the place but mostly on this one beside me. I had no problem being what I could to her but what about one of my own?
Jillian walked back in, coffee in hand watching Ryland and I as we read Tinkerbell for the third time. “Where’s your head today?”
Jillian may have been a mother consumed by her daughter’s illness, living off hospital food and fighting a battle she knew would soon be over and she’d have to say goodbye, but she was perceptive to others around her. Maybe it was because she was constantly having to look to others for support that she knew when and what to say to ease their minds.
“A girl.” I said, leaving it at that with a coy smile and a wink, hiding the pressure in my chest, the pain I feel for the girl in my arms, her mother, her father and everyone around me in this building who fight for one more day.
“And…” She took a step toward me until I looked up at her again, a subtle shake to her head letting me know I wasn’t getting away without confessing.
I tried to wrap my mind around the words I wanted to say, struggling with my emotion over all of it. “I got a girl pregnant and, well, I never wanted to be a dad. Said some stupid shi… crap… and now I gotta get her back.” My words held a certain amount of exposure I didn’t show many. Vulnerable if you will.
My confession seemed to shock her. Maybe it was that a guy like me, someone who religiously visits children in the hospital didn’t want to be a dad. “You’re great with Ry. Why wouldn’t you want to be a dad?”
“These aren’t my kids.” I explained. “I love these kids here but I’m not responsible for them. The fact that I would be responsible for one, a hand in deciding what’s best for them and what’s not, well, that scares me.”
Jillian considered my words, and then smiled. “And how are you going to get this girl back?”
“I have no clue.”
Another smile and I knew she had a plan. “Take her flowers at work. Like a grand gesture.”
“Think she’d like that?”
“Girls love flowers.” Her eyes met Ryland, still pointing and laughing at the book in my hand. It made me realize that even flowers might possibly make things better. It’s a gesture, right?
I met Mase and Remy in the hall on our way out. Remy said he was going on a date, teased it was with Caitlin, but then got punched in the gut once we were in the elevator.
“What about you, birthday boy?” I asked Mase.
He raised an eyebrow straightening out his jacket. “Plans with Ami.”
He didn’t seem in the mood for talking, or teasing, hospitals seemed to do that to him since Ami’s accident. That coupled with kids who were fighting for their lives, yeah, you couldn’t blame him on that one.
After I left the hospital, I thought about what Ryland’s mom had said. And then I thought, hey, take her something at work but then I realized a girl like Callie wouldn’t want that. We once had sex in the dressing room at Victoria’s Secret and she was pissed that I came into her work like that. We still fucked but she wasn’t happy with me.
So instead, I ended up buying her a dozen red roses and a box of chocolate and headed over to her apartment that night, praying she was home.
She answered with a smile, barefoot wearing a tiny black tank top with a few inches of her bare stomach peeking out and a pair of sweat pants that looked a few sizes too big. Her
tits looked huge, bulging over the top. She caught me looking, shaking her head letting her long dark hair fall over her left shoulder, tentative and uneasy, her eyes dropped from mine to the flowers. “What’s that?”
I raised the flowers. “These are for you.”
She eyed the chocolates. “And those.”
I shrugged pushing them towards her. “For…the baby. Thought… you know, might have cravings.”
Callie laughed, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. “I was craving some chocolate… so thanks.” She gave a nod behind her to the open door. “Do you want to come in?”
“No.” I shook my head like that was the worst idea ever backing up. “If I come in, I know where that’s going and it can’t right now. You… me…we just can’t. I’ve already fucked us up in Cabo, I need to do this the right way, for me, for us.”
“Okay… well,” she was hesitating, looking for conversation it seemed. “Did you go out with Evan for his birthday?”
I scratched my jaw, leaning into the door frame. I didn’t want to leave either. I wanted to go inside so bad and just hold her. I don’t know why but I wanted to be with her today and let her know I cared, because I did. “He’s with Ami, fucking. Said we’d go out this weekend.”
She laughed. “No wonder she won’t answer my texts.”
Tilting my head, I contemplated what I wanted to say, and then said it. “I came here because I want to date you.”
“Okay…” My mouth went dry when she stared at me, waiting for more to be said. The problem? I was shocked when she said okay, as I was already anticipating her denial. “Are you sure you don’t want to come in?”
I suppressed a laugh. I couldn’t go in there. No way. There was a pause, our eyes meeting, a moment of weakness passing between us. I swallowed and took a step back, raising my chin as I gestured to the chocolates. “Enjoy. I’ll call you about that date.”
And then I walked away. It took a lot of fuckin’ will but I did it.
I had to because I wanted so badly to go inside. And by inside I didn’t mean her apartment.
Game 59 – Pittsburgh Penguins – Sunday, February 20, 2011
United Center - Chicago
I hadn’t called Callie about the date just yet. We talked, yeah, but never about the when we were going out. I had some planning to do and with three home games that week, it just wasn’t working out yet. We won against the Wilds and then lost on Friday against the Blue Jackets, all on home ice.
Here it was Sunday, an important game against the Penguins and one that Ryland’s family was attending. I worked it out that I would take Ryland around the rink once to see what she thought of it, so Heath and Jillian were escorted into the locker room before warm-ups.
Ryland noticed me right away, tucked away in her father’s arms and wearing my jersey. “Princess!” I said, walking up to her in my full uniform. She kind of gawked at me, taken back probably and wondering if it was really me. My voice was the confirmation sending her into a full body wiggle to get to me. Every time I saw her I realized she was days closer to the end of this battle. She had that drained ashen appearance that made me sick to think she wouldn’t be able to live out her childhood.
Ryland willingly let me hold her, releasing her grip on her father. I smiled at him gesturing to the room filled with my boys, all suited up for the game, surrounding us. “Still a Penguins fan?”
He mouthed the words, “Screw you,” because let’s face it, he wasn’t dumb.
We both burst out laughing, it was all in fun.
The players filed out, Heath and Jillian followed as well with a camera in hand wanting to capture their daughter’s first trip on ice.
When we got to the entrance, I paused and held Ryland a little closer. There was no one else on the ice, just us as they continued the warm up music but all the guys stood and went to the bench to give me just a few moments with her.
“Hang on, princess.” I skated onto the ice and Ryland’s breath caught at the coolness in the arena. She smiled though, and the entire time that smile never faded. I had her wave to the twenty-thousand fans who all smiled and cheered in response.
She made me fucking nervous. She was fragile. More so than any normal kid because she was dying.
I circled the ice, slowly, watching her face and the smile. “Fun.” She said, watching the ice. I paused by our bench and let her give tiny fist bumps to the players from both teams, and then by the glass where her parents were standing. She pressed her hand to the glass, laughing, tears streaming down their faces. I’ll admit, even I was a little choked up over it. Right then, I scanned the crowd and my eyes landed on Callie, wearing my jersey, watching this.
I couldn’t place the emotion her eyes held, or even what she would have been thinking right then as the tears rolled down her cheeks. All I knew was there was a little piece of her that let me in just based on what she was seeing.
Did I change her impression of me? Did she see that I wasn’t a bad guy after all?
Bringing Ryland out there wasn’t about that. I didn’t do it to prove to Callie that I could be a good guy. I did that for a child who would never have the opportunity to do this again and it was the right thing to do. I was trying to do the right thing with Callie too, would she let me in again? Time was surely going to tell.
I ended up giving Ryland back after letting her feel the ice, and then it was onto warm-ups with the guys. As we joked with each other, them calling me a softy, the jokes turned once again to Mase and his sister who was here at the game and wearing Remy’s jersey.
Mase was pissed and smacked the boards by her. “Take that off, Caitlin!” He said, hitting the glass again with his stick.
We all laughed, especially Remy. “She likes me and you know it.”
During warm-ups was when we usually teased one another. Home games it was easy because wives were there, girlfriends, puck bunnies, sisters… all motivation to get under another players’ skin.
“Don’t get any ideas.” Mase said, sternly. You could tell it was better left alone but did he really think Remy and I would?
No. Fuck no. Mase might be my best friend but I was all for a laugh tonight. I didn’t care at whose expense.
I skated over to Cage Breezin, our goalie, followed by Remy and Mase. “What’s up, Breezy? Ready to defend them pipes tonight?”
He winked, his chin raised to the boards. “Is that Ryland’s mom?”
I smiled knowing where that was going. Cage never dated anyone his own age. “And that’s her dad, beside her.”
“Damn.” He sighed, his head down.
“Why don’t you date girls your own age?” I nudged him with my stick. “Show them how you can fill the net.”
“They’re boring.” Cage said, as if we should know.
“I wouldn’t say that.” Remy teased, staring at Mase. “I’ve met some hotties who are barely even… legal.”
Mase turned to him. “What the fuck does that mean?”
Remy shrugged. “I’m not trying to score, bud.”
I laughed skating around the front of them, hitting my stick against Remy’s and then Mase. “He’s just trying to warm her up.” I said, and then ran my hands up and down my stick suggestively.
Mase didn’t appreciate that one bit and shoved me back, his glare directed at Remy. “Sure you are.”
“Come on, man,” Remy laughed, “help me light the lamp. Put in a good word for me.”
This would forever be a battle between these two. “Yeah,” I grinned, distancing myself from them. “He’s just trying to fill her net.”
I burst out laughing when Mase lunged for Remy after hearing my comment. The sound of Remy’s skates chopping against the ice as he tried to outrun Mase was the best.
When we had Mase good and pissed, I skated over to Ryan, provoking him like I do best. “There’s one less lonely girl…”
He rolled his eyes, skating the other way. “Fuck off.”
“So many pretty faces…” I
twirled around singing Justin Bieber into my stick.
Coach noticed from his place along the boards. “Orting!” My head shot up looking over at him. “There’s a game about to start.”
I pointed at him, winking. “I gotcha.”
My eyes flicked to the man standing next to coach, our general manager as of this year, Ed Pratt. I didn’t like the fact that Callie’s dad was now the GM of our team but it’s not like I had a choice in the matter. He was an abrasive asshole if you asked me.
I knew well enough that if he could have and wouldn’t have the entire organization pissed at him, he would trade me. We did not get along. I bet, no, I knew he had no idea his only daughter was pregnant with my kid.
The thought made me smile, knowing when he did find out, he wasn’t going to be pleased.
When the game started up, control passed over to the Penguins off the drop, play was sloppy and possession changes happened every few seconds. Just ten minutes into the game, and an assist from me, Remy scored a goal with a wrist shot.
Not happy with the goal, the Penguins got chirpy, I gave their defenseman a fist full of my glove, and he shoved me back into Mase.
“Stay out of this, all-star.” Another d-man said, shoving me back as well.
“Your face asked my hand for a high five. It was like, ‘it’s been so long, great to see you again.’” He looked at me, completely straight faced and I had to smile. “You didn’t hear it? I did.”
Mase looked away from us, barely able to control his laughter.
“Drop your gloves.” The Penguins left winger then shoved Mase back into Cage and Remy, both laughing as we argued at the crease. He was all talk right now but you never shoved Mase and expected him to forget it.
“I’m dropping ‘em. You first.” Mase winked and moved his stick tapping the Penguins defenseman in the balls.