by Shey Stahl
“It’s…okay.” She touched my arm, lightly, wanting to say so much more, but turned to go.
Through her swimming eyes, there was sadness in her answer that made me want to grab her and hug the shit out of her. She never deserved any of that and the one person she thought she could rely on had been denying her of that very thing, trust.
We needed to talk about that night and what happened between us. The fact that we hadn’t was holding us back in more ways than I could tell you.
“I was so terrible. I’m sorry. I was angry and scared and you never deserved any of that.”
I’ve wasted time with both of them. Unforgettable time that I couldn’t get back. I was missing moments in both their lives and I only had myself to blame.
I looked over at her, my hand behind her head brushing a loose strand of hair aside. “Will you go somewhere with me today?”
“Yeah…” she didn’t hesitate. “Where?”
“I want you to meet someone.”
Callie knew who I was talking about. I had never taken anyone with me while visiting Ryland before. Now, I needed to. I couldn’t go alone this time.
Jillian had called me yesterday and told me Ryland wasn’t going to make it much longer and I should come say goodbye. I thought about going last night but Jillian assured me this morning was fine.
I’ve heard women say there is nothing like the bond between a mother and a child. I personally never understood that saying.
But now I know.
The bond between Callie and Caleb was unbelievable. The way she looked at him, the way he watched her, you just felt it.
Callie and I had Ami and Mase watch Caleb. I didn’t feel comfortable having him at the hospital mostly because I wasn’t sure what to expect when we got there. I didn’t know what kind of mood Ryland would be in, or even if she would be awake.
Turns out, she wasn’t awake.
She’d passed away that morning about an hour before. The guilt of not being there was immediate. If I’d come just a little earlier I could have at least seen her. But then again, my last memory of her was two months ago reading princess books and her laughing at me. I wanted that memory, not one of her dying.
I stood outside the room, my arms wrapped around Jillian, offering any condolences I could. I knew it was coming. I prepared myself any time I saw Ryland that it was coming, telling myself not to get too close to her. It didn’t work. I still felt it.
Nothing could have prepared me for the wave of emotion that surged through me. My teary eyes met Callie’s, standing near the wall, the same stoic expression on hers as tears fell.
What did she think of me right then?
Did she see me differently?
Did she see how much I loved her as I stared at her over Jillian’s shoulder?
Our time here was so incredibly precious. I know that I’ve wasted more time in not telling Callie what I wanted and watching this family in front of me slowly crumble made me realize that I wouldn’t waste another minute of my time with my girl.
I felt in the way at the hospital with their entire family there so Callie and I excused ourselves and I told Jillian and Heath to call me about the funeral and if there was anything I could do.
When we got to the car the full reality of it hit me like a ton of bricks.
“I wanted you to meet her so you could see that I…see why I…” I couldn’t finish my words. The emotion spread throughout me and I reached for Callie pulling her into a tight hug, begging my eyes not to deceive me and let the tears fall. I didn’t want to cry.
“I know why.” She nodded, almost frantic as she tried to assure me. “You don’t have to explain.”
“I wish you could have met her.” I whispered in her ear, holding her as she cried. She wasn’t crying for herself.
“Me too, baby.” She breathed through tears, her arms locked around my shoulders. I wanted to tell her right than that I loved her, not waste another minute but I couldn’t. It didn’t seem right saying it now. Like I was just saying it out of fear of losing her and not because I really meant it.
It needed to be in a moment where she understood how I felt in a way that I could show her.
Callie Pratt
Goal - When the puck goes over the goal line.
Game 18 – Edmonton Oilers – Sunday, November 13, 2011
United Center - Chicago
People don’t change.
This time last year I would have told you that people don’t change. I would have never believed that I would have changed my ways, let alone Leo changing too.
Babies change you.
In ways you’d never expect. Most of it was from lack of sleep but there’s love too. This unconditional love that nothing touches. They can cry all night long, shit on you, throw up, pee on you, doesn’t matter. When they smile, you’ve forgotten all that.
I had no idea what that feeling was until I held Caleb for the first time.
Leo changed too. I saw it when I witnessed him holding Caleb for the first time and then again when I saw him at the hospital this morning, holding Jillian.
What hadn’t changed is that I was still afraid to admit my feelings to him. I wasn’t even sure why but I had yet to tell him I loved him. As I sat in the car with him after we left the hospital, I wanted to say it.
It was just three little words but then again they weren’t little by any means. They were life changing words. Hearing them could lift you higher than the birds soaring in the sky…never hearing them could crush your very spirit.
Once you said them, there was no taking them back. Not that I would want to, but I wasn’t sure how he would take it.
Did I love Leo?
Yes. Absolutely. Slowly, I fell and it was the type of love that moved like that fog over the city on a cool crisp autumn day. It moved in slowly, right before your eyes but you didn’t notice it until all of a sudden it encompassed you.
Falling in love with Leo was exactly like that. Then it lingered, settling in, like the first few minutes of a fresh blanket of snow. I welcomed it and wanted to enjoy every moment of it.
I hoped he felt this way too.
I wasn’t sure Leo was going to be able to concentrate after hearing the news that Ryland passed away. He had a game that night so as soon as we got back to the condo, he left for his morning skate. Around ten Ami came over with coffee. I knew right away when I opened the door she needed someone to talk to. She had that look, the one where she chewed on her lip. After this morning I was looking forward to anything but talking about a baby’s life cut too short.
“What’s wrong?”
Walking into the condo, she looked around for Leo, though I think she knew he was with Evan at practice but she looked anyways. And then she turned to me, her hands on her hips. “Do you think I’m too young to get married?”
“Why?”
Ami shrugged. “Evan left his iPad in the bedroom and I was going to order take out, so I grabbed it… he had the Tiffany’s website pulled up.”
“Maybe he wants to buy you a necklace, or earrings.”
She gave me a look, one that was serious. “The page was on engagement rings.”
“Okay, well, maybe then. I haven’t heard anything. At least Leo hasn’t said anything.”
Then she looked frantic. “What do I do?”
“Pretend you didn’t see it and wait.”
That was not the answer she was looking for. Rolling her eyes, she took Caleb from me. “I’m so impatient. I need to know.”
“Would you say yes?” I handed her the blanket in my hands to cover him up with.
“Yes. I love him so much Callie. He’s so much more than I ever thought he would be. He’s just… Mase. Loving, possessive in the right ways and all heart and soul. His mom once told me there was a reason he was born on Valentine’s Day and I believe that.”
Caleb started to fuss in her arms so she handed him back to me after I warmed up his bottle.
I believed Evan had the big
gest heart out of all the players. There was a reason why I thought I was in love with Evan Masen at one time, even if it was only for a day. He made you feel like when you were with him, you were the only one who mattered.
Leo was very different. He annoyed you to the point where you had to love him or you would kill him. There was more to it than that because there were intimate moments. Ones where he let down his guard and let you in, showed you a vulnerability you knew he had and that sarcastic witty humor he had played it off with. His fear of being judged by others showing. But those intimate moments, the ones where you got that little glimpse of who he really was were breathtaking. And then you wondered, how could anyone ever judge someone like that?
I did for the longest time. I thought there was only this guy who played practical jokes on everyone and made the team laugh.
What you didn’t see was that he had no one but himself.
Everyone who should have loved him biologically had left him.
Everyone.
“Do you love Leo?” Ami finally asked catching me off guard as I fed Caleb.
I thought about it, not that I needed to and answered with confidence setting down Caleb’s bottle and rocking him with a gentle slow rock he loved. “Yes.”
We talked for a while about her and Evan and then she asked, “Hey, did I hear Evan right this morning, Ryland passed away?”
My eyes dropped to Caleb in my arms, fast asleep after his breakfast. “She did. I guess she passed only an hour before Leo got there this morning.”
Her hand covered her mouth. “Oh God, he knows?”
I nodded. “Yeah, he took me to the hospital to see her and that’s when Jillian told us.”
Ami sighed, shaking her head as her hands dropping to her lap. “How’s he going to play tonight with that on his mind?”
“I don’t know.”
I didn’t know. I wasn’t sure he would be able to and concentrate on the game but it could go either way with him.
We headed to the arena about five that night. It wasn’t the first time I had been back to the United Center since the night I was mugged.
Did I have fear?
Well, I certainly didn’t walk alone there anymore. And never would again.
I still had nightmares. Ami still had nightmares. I began to understand that time was the only thing that was going to heal that. Being mad—or feeling sorry for myself—wasn’t what I wanted, nor did it help me in any way. Just really…made me angry.
The game went by in an absolute blur. Maybe because taking a baby to a game was a lot of work. We sat in the box seats with the other wives and girlfriends mainly because it was too hard to control the environment around him. I kept a close eye on Leo throughout the game wondering if he would break down with Ryland passing away today but he seemed surprisingly focused.
When the game ended, Leo motioned for me to come down on the ice. So I went down to the locker rooms where he said he wanted to take Caleb on the ice.
Leo had scored his first hat trick of the year and wanted to share it with him.
I nearly cried. Nearly. I was getting a little better with the tears.
As I watched him, there was so much regret in his stare but not for Caleb, for everything he’d said to me, and everything he didn’t say. There was so much love behind that look coupled with guilt and everything that defined what we were. A complicated mess. As long as I’ve known Leo I have understood there was so much more to him than just being a pro hockey player or the attention of throngs of women. From the time he was very young, he’s raised himself. He may have been the guy everyone looked to for a laugh but he did that to cover up the deeper side. The side I got a glimpse of when we were alone. A side no one but me had ever seen.
Fans threw hats on the ice, all screaming and celebrating the win but Leo’s eyes never drifted from his son.
When he came back around, he handed Caleb back to me and then smiled, the thrill of victory present in his eyes and face, flushed cheeks and bright blue eyes.
I was about to take Caleb back when all the players started coming by but he stopped me, tugging on my hand.
“Where do you feel at home?” he asked, watching my eyes and then my lips.
“Here.” I said, knowing exactly what he meant. This place, it was home to the both of us. It’s where we met, where we related, where we made this work.
“Do you really think we can make this work?” I asked, wanting the reassurance.
His fingers silenced me as he blinked slowly. “I think we can do anything we want.”
There has always been a determination behind Leo’s eyes that most never took the time to acknowledge because of who he portrayed himself to be. Sure, he was a professional athlete and it doesn’t matter how good you are, it takes someone extraordinary to be in the elite levels that he’s in.
But now, that determination was to make this complicated mess that was now us, work.
“I love you, Callie Pratt,” Leo finally said, like maybe he knew, maybe he finally understood the meaning and needed me to hear it.
Everything went cloudy when those words left his lips. They were the words I had always wanted to hear and told myself I never would from him. The weight of the words settled over me, sinking way down deep, and a sudden pang of insecurity hit when I thought what he meant by them. I wanted to believe that those words changed everything, and that I would have the relationship I always wanted with him. With those three words, the future I thought I was going to have was changing, and in its place was security.
I felt what he was saying to me. Not just heard it because they’re just words. They become feelings when you mean them, believe what you’re saying.
I believed what he was saying.
“I’m not perfect. I will make more mistakes than most men. I can be an asshole and say things I shouldn’t. I want you though. And when I say that, I mean it. I’m loyal.”
I knew what my heart wanted. I knew he was worth it. I’d always known that. I knew it before he did. Real love was taking two hearts, two bodies, two souls and creating one. That was when you knew it was pure and worth fighting for.
He looked deep into my eyes, his voice cracking. His eyes dropped to Caleb and his hand ran across the back of his neck. “I mean it, I love you, Callie.” He sighed. “I’m just sorry it took me so long to tell you that.” The words were said with such affection I didn’t doubt him. “I think it took me so long because I’ve never said it before. To anyone. I wasn’t sure I even understood what it meant.”
My heart ached for him right then. To never love someone was tragic to me. I know that I’ve only ever loved a handful of people but to feel like you’ve never loved someone, that’s heartbreaking.
“Say something.” There was desperation in his tone, begging me for anything. “How can I make you see that I’m all in? I’m offsides and I’m waiting for you to bring me back.”
My eyes closed, and I felt my chest heave as the tears slipped down my face, wanting to answer him as honestly as I could. I drew in a deep breath and looked at him, I shrugged slightly, trying to avoid his questioning stare. I could tell he was waiting for me to respond with something and I said what I was feeling. “I’ve loved you longer than I care to admit. I know you felt things changing for us and the more we hung out, the more it changed for me. I never wanted to get hurt. So I pulled away. But then that night after the party, I couldn’t deny myself the one person I’ve only felt whole with.”
Leaning forward, I captured his warm lips with my own.
I couldn’t think of a better place to hear those words than here at the United Center. Our first home. And we needed to get back to our real home, together.
When we got back to the condo, Evan and Ami offered to take Caleb for the night so we could have some alone time. Which was definitely needed.
He was sitting on the bed, naked, his back pressed to the headboard when I entered the room wearing some of my old lacy outfits I could finally squeeze back i
nto now that I’d lost the baby weight.
His eyes immediately went wide watching me walk slowly towards him with a pair of laces in my hand. “Get over here. I haven’t had any stimulation down there in weeks. I’m dying.” I laughed and he frowned. “I’m serious. He’s very confused by me and it’s not fair. He did nothing wrong.” His eyes dropped to his lap. “I’m sorry, bud.”
“Leo?”
He looked up. “Yeah?”
I let out a bursting laugh. I couldn’t even say anything.
“I’m sorry,” His hand brushed along the edge of my ass. “I just fucking miss you so much.”
“Let’s play a game.”
His eyebrows went up leaning in closer and lowered his voice, bright eyes fixed on mine. “What game?”
“Lace and laces.”
“I’m listening…”
Leo liked control. Needed it. Me tying him up meant he wouldn’t be in control.
I was curious to see what he was going to do about that.
I tied his hands behind his back with the laces and then straddled him.
“No touching at all.”
“Fuck…” he groaned. “You telling me what to do is so goddamn hot.”
He was rock hard as soon as I sat down on him, my legs sliding over his, my heated center covering his lap. Groaning in response to just the pressure, he threw his head back in passion. I kissed up his neck, over his jaw and then his head popped up, eager to kiss me. A brief moment and he looked at me, his piercing eyes on mine, his hot breath igniting my already heated skin. I moved slowly, my hips rolling, not grinding by sliding along his length with a controlled movement, the slightest teasing pressure.
I think I should have been a stripper. I think that I could have been good at that. In fact, my theory was proven when I teased him further.