"I came to see you." I get up and kiss her cheek, not wanting to give her a real kiss at work and risk getting her in trouble. "I had to come downtown to meet with the bar manager. The place is just down the street so I thought I'd stop by to see you and have lunch."
Hostess girl hasn't left and says to Amber, "You didn't tell me you were dating a celebrity!"
"I talk about Dylan all the time," Amber says.
"Yeah, but you didn't say it was THAT Dylan, the lead singer of Vandyl."
She shrugs. "I guess I just didn't think to mention it."
"Are you crazy?" The girl turns to Amber. "If I were dating him, that'd be the first thing I'd tell people. You know how many girls want to date him?"
"I try not to think about that," she says, looking at me. "So did you check out the menu? I should get your order in. We're really busy. It might take a while."
"Oh, shit," the hostess says. "I've got people waiting." She hurries back to the hostess stand.
Amber motions to her. "That was Angela if she didn't already tell you. She's one of your biggest fans."
"Why didn't you tell her about me?"
"Because I don't like people thinking I'm only dating you because you're in the band." She gets her order pad out. "Did you decide what you want?"
Just like that, she turns business-like, as if I'm just some random customer.
"What's going on?" I ask.
"What do you mean?"
"Why are you acting like this?"
"Like what?" She checks behind her, then turns back to me. "Dylan, I don't have time to talk. All my tables are full and I'm already behind."
"Then I'm coming over tonight so we can talk."
"You can't. I have to work on a paper."
"So now it's a paper?" I sound angry. It's because I'm tired of this. I'm tired of her avoiding me and not telling me why.
"What's that supposed to mean?" she asks, also sounding angry.
"You've been giving me excuses all week. You won't even let me stay over. Why won't you let me see you?"
"I have a lot going on, okay? I can't spend every minute with you." She glances back at her other tables. "Are you going to order or not? I'm gonna get in trouble if I stand here all day."
"Just forget it." I drop my menu on the table and get up and leave. When I'm at the door, I look back and see that Amber's gone, probably back in the kitchen.
What the hell just happened? Was that our first fight? But why did we even have it? I went there to see her and she seemed happy to see me but then she just changed, acting like I wasn't her boyfriend but just some random guy who came in for lunch.
And she never wants to see me anymore, or even talk to me on the phone. Something is making her this way but she won't tell me what it is. I have to find out. I don't want this getting out of hand and leading to us breaking up.
I'm not losing her. I went all those months without her, thinking I'd lost her, and I did, but this time that's not going to happen. We have something good here and I'm not letting it go.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Amber
It's Thursday night and I should be studying but instead I'm sitting on the couch watching TV because I can't study when my mind keeps wandering to Dylan. I hurt him today at lunch but I didn't mean to. He surprised me and I didn't know what to do. I've been trying to avoid him all week to give myself time to think about how, or if, we move forward.
On Sunday, I was ready to be all in, wanting a future with him. I loved that he showed up and surprised me at my apartment. I'd missed him, and when I saw him I couldn't believe how happy I felt. It proved to me how much I love him, and made me want to forget all my doubts about love and just be with him.
Then Monday came and my mom called and told me she'd hired a divorce attorney. My dad filed the papers, and according to my mom, he's trying to make her sell the house and move someplace smaller since it's only her and Britt living there. That made my mom even more angry with my dad and she spent a half hour telling me how much she hates him and doesn't know why she ever married him.
I didn't want to listen to her go on and on but I felt like she needed to get it out so I just waited until she was done. But listening to her talk that way about my dad, the man she used to love, really bothered me. I still don't understand how a relationship gets to that point, but knowing it can made me panic about my relationship with Dylan. So when he called me later and asked if he could come over, I made up an excuse for why he couldn't. I needed time to think about our relationship and where it was going.
And now, four days later, I'm still not sure what to do. When I saw Dylan at lunch, I felt that burst of happiness I feel every time I see him. But then I remembered that my mom used to feel the same way about my dad and I wondered if I'm just setting myself up for heartbreak. With my past relationships, I've never worried about that because I didn't love the guy. But I love Dylan, and I love the feelings that come with loving him. The happiness. The joy. The excitement. But if it's all just going to go away someday then why am I doing this?
There's a knock on the door.
"I'll get it," Kira says from the kitchen while I remain on the couch. "Dylan," I hear her say.
Shit. What is he doing here? I'm not ready to see him. I don't know what to say to him.
"Is Amber here?" he asks.
"Yeah, she's right over there," Kira says.
Traitor. She knows I'm avoiding him.
I sit up and see him coming over. "Hey, Dylan."
"Hey." He has a serious look on his face as he comes over and sits on the chair next to the couch. "Thought you were working on a paper."
"I was, but I wasn't getting very far so I thought I'd take a break."
"And you couldn't call me during this break?"
"Um, guys," Kira says from behind us. "I'm just gonna walk down to the corner and get a coffee. I'll be back later."
"You don't have to go," I tell her.
She eyes Dylan and me. "I really need a latte. See ya." She gets her coat and hurries out of the apartment.
"I'm sorry I didn't call you," I say to Dylan.
"You haven't called me all week. What's going on?"
"I've just been busy."
"You were busy before winter break and you still found time to call me. So what is it? Did I do something wrong?"
"No." I pull my feet up under me on the couch. "I just need time to think."
"Think about what?"
"Us."
"What about us?"
My eyes shift to the floor. "I need to figure out what we're doing and if we should...if we should continue."
"Okay, hold on." He gets up from the chair and sits beside me. He lifts my chin up so I'm forced to look at him. "Are you breaking up with me?"
"I...I don't know."
"What the hell?" His hand drops from my face. "Is this because of what happened at lunch? Are you mad at me for showing up there without telling you?"
"No. It's not that. I'm just confused. I don't know what I want right now."
"I thought you wanted this. Us. I thought things were going well."
"They are, but...who knows what will happen later?"
"Later? What are you talking about?"
"You're graduating in a few months. You'll take a job. Move away. And then what? We'll break up, so why are we doing this?"
I decide to use the future job excuse for why this will never work. It's a valid excuse and definitely something to be considered.
"I don't have a job and I don't know when I'll get one or where it'll be. And even if it ends up being out of town, that doesn't mean we'll break up."
"But there's a good chance we will. I'm just being realistic here."
"Well stop being realistic and think with your heart. Do you want to be with me or not?"
I don't answer.
"Amber, do you want to be with me or not?"
I still don't answer.
"Fuck," he mutters under his breath. "You don't want
to be with me." He sounds so hurt it breaks my heart. "Why didn't you tell me this sooner?" He rubs his scruffy jaw. "Is this why you've been avoiding me all week? I don't understand. Sunday was great, and now you won't even talk to me? What happened? You just decided you don't like me?"
"No! Of course I like you!" I raise my voice, my emotion taking over. "That's not it."
"Then what is it? Is it because—"
"It's because I love you, dammit!" My hand flies over my mouth as I realize what I just said.
Dylan's stunned, his face a mix of shock and confusion. "You love me?"
All I can do is nod.
"You love me," he mutters to himself, like he can't believe it. And then he chuckles.
I swat his arm. "Why the hell are you laughing?"
"Because I was afraid to say this, thinking you'd tell me it was too soon and freak out and maybe even break up with me."
"What are you talking about? What were you afraid to say?"
He looks me in the eye. "That I love you." He picks up my hand and holds it. "That I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since the night we met. That I've never wanted anyone this much." He smiles. "But basically, that I love you."
He loves me. And I love him. So now what do I do? Apparently panic because that's what's happening.
I yank my hand from his and jump up from the couch. "I can't do this."
"Do what?"
"Be with you. It just...it just won't work."
His brows draw together in confusion. "Why not?"
"Because I love you!" I toss my hands up in frustration. "Weren't you listening?"
He laughs because my reasoning sounds ridiculous but I'm not kidding around.
"Amber, that's the craziest thing I've ever heard. You can't be with me because you love me?"
"Yes. And I know you don't understand it but I can't explain it."
"Well, you're gonna have to explain because I'm not accepting it." He leans back on the couch, spreading his arms out along the back cushions.
I sit down but say nothing.
"Amber. You better start talking or I'm going to kiss you."
"You're not kissing me." I tuck my legs into my chest, my arms wrapped around them.
"If you don't explain yourself, you're getting a kiss whether you like it or not."
"You wouldn't understand."
"Try me."
"It's complicated."
"I'm sure I'll be able to understand. I'm almost a college graduate." He smiles that damn smile that is annoyingly irresistible. He brings his arms down off the couch and slowly moves toward me. "Kiss or tell. You choose."
"Fine," I say.
He resumes his position, arms extended along the back of the couch.
I take a breath and simply say, "Love doesn't last."
"Says who?"
"Just look around. Couples are constantly breaking up. Almost everyone's divorced. The proof is out there, Dylan. Love doesn't last."
He nods, as if considering it. "And yet sometimes it does. My grandparents were married for fifty-two years before my grandmother died. And my parents have been married for twenty-five."
"That doesn't mean they're in love, or at least not as in love as they used to be. Love fades over time."
"I disagree. It changes, but that doesn't mean it's faded. My grandparents grew more in love every year. My grandfather, who is not romantic at all, used to get up early every morning to make my grandmother her favorite breakfast; two poached eggs and a piece of toast with strawberry jam. He made the jam himself because she didn't like the store bought kind. That may not be love to someone our age but to them it was."
The story makes me want to cry. I'm such a sucker for romantic stories, especially ones with old people.
"Then your grandparents were lucky," I say. "Most people aren't. Most people end up hating each other after years of being together."
He pauses a moment. "So this is about your parents. You're projecting their problems onto us."
"That is not what I'm doing," I insist.
"It's exactly what you're doing."
"You're wrong. I'm not projecting anything. I'm simply stating a fact that love doesn't last."
Ignoring my statement, he nods. "Seems to work out timing-wise. You got the news Christmas day and that's when you started acting differently. You weren't as open. You didn't call me as much."
"That had nothing to do with—"
"Sunday when you got back, things seemed back to normal. Even better than normal. But then Monday you started pushing me away again. So what happened Monday?"
I hesitate, not wanting to talk about it.
"Amber. Tell me."
I sigh. "My dad filed the paperwork for the divorce. My mom got the papers and called me and went on and on about how much she can't stand my dad."
"Which made you think the same thing would happen to us. That our love wouldn't last and eventually we'd hate each other."
"Maybe not hate but...." My voice trails off.
Why does he have to be so damn smart? He wasn't supposed to figure this out and now that he has, I know he won't understand.
"Dylan, I'm just not ready for a serious relationship."
"Too bad. You're already in one and I know you don't want it to end. You said you love me."
"I do, but that doesn't mean anything if it's all going to end."
He leans forward, his elbows resting on his knees. "Amber, don't take this the wrong way but your logic is totally fucked up. And not just this time, but back in May too. You left me back then because you thought dating me would ruin the memory of that night if we ever broke up. And now everything's going great but you're trying to end it because someday it may not be as great as it is now?" He shakes his head. "That's fucked up."
"It's not fucked up. It's realistic. Love is temporary. All the books and movies that tell you it's not, are lying."
"You don't need books and movies to tell you about love. It's right in front of you, everywhere you look. You're just choosing to only see your parents and their experience. And Amber, I'm sorry about your parents but you don't know the whole story. You don't know what got them to this point and you probably never will. That's between them, but I'm sure it involved more than just having busy lives and growing apart. Relationships are complicated and no two are the same, so trying to compare ours to theirs isn't fair."
"I'm not comparing them. I'm just proving a point that love doesn't last. My mom said she used to love my dad more than anything, so how does that feeling just go away?"
"I don't know, but it's not going to happen to us. We're not them."
"You really think we're going to last? Our relationship started with a one-night stand."
"Yeah? So?"
"Even if I still had faith in love, I wouldn't want the story of how we fell in love to begin with a one-night stand. That'd be like the worst love story ever."
"It wasn't just a one-night stand. We've talked about this, Amber, and we both agree that night was special. There was something about it, like it was meant to be. And we didn't just have sex that night. We talked. We connected. We felt something for each other."
"Yeah, well, it's still a terrible way to start a love story. It's not something I could ever tell my kids or my grandkids."
"Then we'll alter it to make it more G-rated. Our kids won't have to know the truth."
Kids? Now he's talking about kids? This conversation is not going where I thought it would. I was supposed to tell him we were taking a break, and then he'd get angry and walk out, which would give me more time to think about what to do. But instead, he's planning our future, and our future kids!
"We're not having kids," I tell him. "And we're not getting married. You're moving way too fast here."
"I'm not saying we'd do these things today or next year. But I have thought about a future with you."
I've done the same thing. I've imagined a future with Dylan. Marriage. A house. Kids. The whole thing. But
that was before my family fell apart.
"I don't even think I want that stuff anymore," I say.
"What stuff?"
"Marriage. Kids."
"Are you kidding? Amber, you love kids. Every time we're out and you see little kids, you smile or go over and talk to them. And you love all that wedding stuff. You've got bridal magazines in your room."
"Because I like looking at the dresses. They're pretty."
"I'm just saying, I know you want that stuff so don't act like you don't. You're just upset because of what's happening to your parents."
"It's proof that love doesn't last. And I don't want to be hurt when it ends."
"It only ends if we say it ends." He cups my cheek and our eyes meet. "I really believe we were meant to meet that night back in May. I don't know if it was fate or what you want to call it but I felt something that night that I've never felt before. That's why I kissed you before I even told you my name. It's like I couldn't stop myself. I had to kiss you. And after I did, I didn't want to let you go. I knew there was something between us."
I felt the same way. Why did we feel that way? People hook up at parties all the time and don't feel that way. They just continue on with their lives and never think about the person again. So why was it different for Dylan and me?
"I just need some time," I tell Dylan. "But you're right. My parents' divorce is what caused me to push you away this week, but I'm serious when I say I just don't think love can last."
"Then let's prove that it can."
"And if it doesn't? Then we'll both end up hurt."
"That's part of life. And if this ends, we'll survive. But I don't think it will. I never thought I'd feel this way about someone, but then you walked into my life and I finally understood what they meant in all those love ballads. That's why I was able to write one myself. You have to experience it before you can write about it."
"Dylan." I take a breath. "I love you. I really do, but I still need some time. Can you just give me that?"
He stands up. "I'll give you time but I'm not letting this be the end. I'm not letting you throw this away."
He walks off and I catch up to him at the door.
"That's not what I—"
"And don't you dare run out on me." He turns to me, anger on his face. "You did it once and I forgave you, but I won't do it again. If you decide you don't want this, you owe me an explanation why. I won't accept lies, or excuses, or the silent treatment. I want the truth, and I want you to look me in the eye when you tell me."
One Night Page 26