The After of Us (Judge Me Not Spin-off)

by S. R. Grey

  She does have a point, on all counts. “Okay,” I reluctantly agree. “I guess you’re right. Though I don’t think my brother is going to be happy when he finds out I was out with you.”

  She laughs as we walk over to her car. Great, a Mini Cooper. This is going to be far from comfortable for someone tall like me.

  “Oh, really,” she replies. “Why would Chase be mad we went out?”

  Since I’m a little drunk, I don’t sugarcoat the truth. “He’s worried I’ll take advantage of you.”

  Opening the passenger side door for me, she says, “That’s sweet of him, but I think I can take care of myself.”

  I can’t argue with that; she certainly put me in my place tonight. Or at least gave me a lot to think about. My respect for Emma has gone way up. She’s not some pushover I can take advantage of, and I like that about her.

  Once we’re in the car, but before we back out of the parking space, she looks over at me and asks, “What are you thinking, Will?”

  Again, I say the first thing that comes to mind. “I’m thinking that I really like you, Emma. I like you a lot.”

  With clear regret in her tone, she says, “I kind of like you, too, Will.”

  “Why do you sound so sad about it?” I ask.

  “Because you’re leaving in a few days, remember?”

  “Ah, yes, there is that.”

  We drive to the house in silence, but with my head full of thoughts. Thoughts of whether I should stay in Harmony Creek and pursue my dreams of freelancing, and thoughts of whether it’s wise to pursue Emma any longer, since I am leaving in a few days. But most of all, above everything, my main concern is what’s really, truly best for Lily.

  Because one thing for sure—I don’t ever want her to feel the way Emma does—abandoned by her father.

  Will

  I don’t try to kiss Emma when she drops me off at the farmhouse. There’s a moment, though, where she hesitates, and I think she may want me to.

  But really, what’s the point? Like she said, I’m leaving in four days.

  “Hey, thanks for the lift,” I mumble as I slip from the car, which actually turned out to be roomier than I had expected.

  “No problem,” she replies quietly.

  She sounds disappointed. Did she expect me to kiss her? Oh, well. I don’t want to make out with her while half-drunk anyway. If I ever do kiss Emma Metzger, it will be with a clear head.

  With my hand on the top of the open car door, I lean in and say, “Guess I’ll see you tomorrow when I drop Lily off at daycare.”

  She nods, but doesn’t make eye contact. “Guess so.”

  I tap the top of the door twice, consider saying more. But in the end, I just close the damn thing and walk away.

  I linger, however, in the driveway, watching Emma’s headlights grow smaller and smaller as she backs down to the road. When she’s out of sight, I sigh, wishing our situation was different.

  But it’s not.

  Inside, the first thing I do is check in on Lily. As usual, she’s in Sarah’s bedroom with Sarah. Both girls are sound asleep in beds I assume Kay has pushed together for the night. I give both Lily and my niece kisses on their forehead, noting how Sarah resembles Lily a lot. Her hair’s not blonde, though, like Lil’s. Sarah’s is the same chestnut shade as Kay’s.

  Leaving the girls, but not before making sure the nightlight is on, I head down the hall to my bedroom.

  My room is located next to Chase and Kay’s bedroom, and I stop in the hall and consider knocking on their door to see if Chase is still awake. I really feel like talking to him. Maybe he can help me sort out all my confused thoughts. My brother’s usually good at that sort of thing.

  But, just as I’m about to rap on the door, I hear murmurs and soft gasps from the other side. I lower my hand. Chase is clearly preoccupied with his wife, so I shelve that idea.

  In my own bedroom, loneliness overcomes me. I find myself thinking of Emma again. If she were here, one thing is sure—I’d make her feel amazing, like Chase is apparently doing with Kay in the room next to mine.

  I wonder if there’ll be any girls like Emma in New York City. Probably not, I conclude. Emma is small-town, but in a good way. She’s not pretentious or snobby. She doesn’t even care that I have money—thanks to Greg and my mom, of course. That leads me to think about how I’ll be making my own bank soon enough. That prospect is what attracted me to the fancy ad firm I’ll be working for in the first place—the lure of a big paycheck.

  “Yeah, you’ll be living the dream soon enough,” I murmur to my drunk-ass self.

  Too bad I’m not inebriated enough to forget that the life I’m about to embark on is not the one I really want at all.

  Will

  They say moments of clarity come at the strangest times, most often when unexpected.

  My moment of clarity regarding Lily occurs exactly like that, at 8:05 on a Friday night, as I’m down at the school, watching in awe as my “who knew she was this insanely talented” daughter paints a perfect rendering of a little brown squirrel, directly below the large one I finished touching up minutes before.

  My daughter is wildly gifted. She is, and it finally sinks in.

  Emma is standing next to me, facing the mural, and sharing the moment with me. There’s something very right about that.

  Emma arrived unexpectedly, shortly after Lily and I started painting. She claimed she’d forgotten something at the school. Yeah, right. She knew Lily and I’d be painting here tonight. The real tip-off to her cute ruse is that she hasn’t made a single move to retrieve her supposedly left-behind item.

  I suspect Emma Metzger secretly wanted to see what Lily and I were up to. Or maybe she wanted to see me? In any case, I’m happy she’s here. Especially to share in this special moment, this act of discovering my daughter is beyond gifted.

  We watch Lil go to town, and, damn, I can’t believe the diminutive five-year-old little girl making art before my eyes belongs to me.

  A wobbly, “Wow,” is all I can manage to croak out.

  “Maybe Lily is a prodigy,” Emma whispers as she leans in to me.

  I like this closeness, and I revel in it as I move closer still and whisper back, “Lily likes to doodle in her coloring books. I mean, I see her sketching crap all the time. But I don’t think I’ve ever seen her draw anything quite as good as this.” I gesture to where Lily diligently works on her squirrel. “This is something special, Emma.”

  “It is exceptionally good for a five-year-old,” Emma agrees.

  “Hell, it’d be pretty damn good for a twenty-five-year old,” I retort.

  “It would be, Will, it really would.”

  “I guess I should probably start paying more attention to what Lily is working on in those coloring books.”

  “You should pay more attention, Will,” Emma replies.

  Whoa, that comment is laden with hidden meaning.

  “Don’t worry,” I reply, chuckling, “I plan to.”

  After a few more minutes of watching Lily, who is now deeply engrossed in getting the squirrel’s tail just right, Emma says, “Well, you and Chase are really talented at art, so this shouldn’t come as a complete surprise.”

  I let out a snort. “We weren’t good like this till we were way older.”

  “Hmm, looks like the artistic gene must be extra strong in Lily.”

  “You’re not kidding.”

  And then Emma says something that gives me pause. “At least with you parenting her, she’ll have a chance to develop her talent. I’ll be sure to encourage her to draw a lot at daycare the next couple of weeks while you’re gone.”

  “Thanks,” I murmur.

  I feel shitty. Emma is really starting to care for Lily. This isn’t some girl just working my daughter to get close to me. Emma is a genuinely good person. She’ll make a good mom someday, I have no doubt.

  Speaking of parenting, am I really going to be that much better of a parent than Cassie? I mean, sure, I do
n’t have a drug problem, but with my upcoming schedule Lily will most likely spend as much time with other people as she was doing with Cassie. Better people, not druggies, but still essentially strangers.

  I sigh, and Emma wants to know, “What’s wrong?”

  I shake my head, torn between what my heart still screams every day for me to do—stay here where my family is—versus what my head is now shouting, which is get your ass to New York.

  “I just…” I falter, rake my fingers through my hair, and then begin again. “I’m just worried about when Lily comes up to New York. It’s not like I’m going to have tons of time to spend with her.”

  “So, stay here in Harmony Creek.”

  “It’s not that simple, Emma.”

  She steps away, putting some space between us. “The job in New York is not the only job in the world, Will.”

  “It’s a good job, Emma.”

  She raises an eyebrow. “By good, you mean it pays a lot, right?”

  “Whatever. I don’t have time for this.” I start to walk away, to head over to the mural where I can escape an uncomfortable discussion, but Emma steps directly in front of me, blocking my path.

  I roll my eyes. “I can just walk around you, you know.”

  “So, go ahead.” Her lips press together and her ice-blue eyes dare me to move. “Walk away, Will,” she hisses, low so Lily can’t hear. “It seems you have that move down pat.”

  I stay right where I am, simply to prove her wrong.

  After an epic stare-down, Emma’s gaze softens. She touches my arm. “Hey, listen, I’m sorry. I’m really not trying to be a bitch.”

  “You’re not a bitch,” I assure her.

  It’s true. A bitch wouldn’t be this concerned for Lily, or for me.

  Emma releases a breath, and softly, again so Lily can’t hear, she says to me, “I think you have the potential to be a great dad. And it’s clear you love Lily already—”

  “I do.”

  “—but I think you need to get your priorities straight.”

  “Wow, don’t hold anything back.”

  She ignores my sarcasm. “I’m almost done, Will. But one more thing…”

  “Yeah? What’s that?”

  “Please, before you leave, look inside your heart.”

  “Who says I haven’t?”

  “That’s just it.” Her tone is pained, almost pleading. “I think you have, a lot. And I think you’re torn on this job in New York,”—wow, she nailed it—“I also have a feeling it’s not just because Lily has come into your life.”

  “Go on,” I urge when it looks like she might clam up.

  “Search in here, Will.” She taps my chest, and it takes all my strength not to snatch up her hand and pull her to me. I’ve never wanted to kiss someone as much as I want to kiss her right now, this girl who sees into my soul. “Ask yourself what you want out of life. You’re at a crossroads. Search, though, and you’ll know what’s right for Lily…and what’s right for you, Will.”

  If only it were that simple.

  The next morning, I awake with a start. It’s nearly dawn and the rising sun is trickling through the window in dappled rays of filmy gold.

  I haven’t slept well at all. Emma’s words have been haunting me, fucking with me ever since we parted last night.

  After our discussion, I didn’t have much of a chance to search my heart. What I really wanted to do was talk more with Emma, about lots of things. That girl challenges me, but she also sort of soothes me. In a weird way, she gives me focus.

  But further conversation was not to be. Lily was hungry, and when we left the school Emma and I took her out for her favorite food—pizza. At the restaurant, we mainly listened to Lily chatter on and on about how fun it was to paint the squirrel on the wall.

  “I made it look just like Daddy’s,” she said, filling me with pride.

  “Yes, you did, Lily,” Emma agreed.

  And then Lily turned to me and asked, “Can we paint a squirrel like that on Uncle Chase’s wall when we get home?”

  “Umm…” I suppressed a laugh as I sat there imagining Chase’s face if he were to come home and find a squirrel painted on his living room wall. Gently, I broke the bad news to Lil. “That’s probably not a good idea, doll.”

  Lily took the letdown well, and the rest of the evening was great. I feel like I really got to know Emma a lot better, especially when Lily slipped out of the booth to go play the claw machine.

  I gave her a pile of quarters, and though the game was only a few feet away, well within my sightline, I still felt compelled to say, “Don’t wander off, Lily. You stay right in front of that machine where I can see you, okay?”

  “Okay, Daddy,” she said with a huff as she walked away.

  One minute later, Lily was pushing buttons, trying in vain to maneuver the crane behind the glass so the claw could hopefully pick up a stuffed animal.

  “So, alone at last.” I reached over and placed my hand over Emma’s, and we fell into a discussion about our college days. Emma told me how she chose to major in elementary education since she loves kids so much.

  When she let it slip that she hoped to have a family of her own someday, she made a face and was quick to add, “Not anytime soon or anything.”

  I knew she was concerned I’d read more into her comment, but I didn’t, not at all.

  “Yeah,” I replied, sighing. “It’d be cool to have another little Lil someday. But, like, definitely way, way, way”—I made a huge flourish with my hand—“in the future.”

  Emma started to say something, but faltered. Instead of saying anything more, she stared down at her half-eaten slice of pizza.

  “What is it?” I asked.

  She glanced up at me, biting her lip. “Are you mad at Cassie for keeping Lily from you when she was a baby?”

  I thought about it, then replied, “If you’d asked me that same question last week even, I would’ve said thank God she didn’t tell me. But now…” I rubbed a hand down my face. “Ugh. Yeah, now I wish I’d known. I feel like I probably missed so much.”

  “Oh, Will.” Emma met my gaze, her eyes so blue and so full of empathy.

  I wanted to say more, much more, and I think she did too, but just then Lily skipped back over to the table and the moment was lost.

  The night ended, and we parted ways. I knew I still had a lot to think about. I mean, I still needed to “search my heart,” as Emma had suggested. But, by the time I finally got Lily to bed, I was too exhausted to think about anything. My head hit the pillow, and I was out.

  Until the restlessness kicked in, restlessness that lasted throughout the night. And into this morning.

  Flipping over to my stomach, I search now, asking myself: What is best for Lily…and for me?

  Well, if I stay in Harmony Creek I can kiss the job in New York good-bye. Since Lily got cheated in the mom department, she deserves a successful dad, right? But does a little girl really care about material success? Something tells me Lily would rather have a dad who’s present in her life than some guy who only has ten minutes here and there to spare. When I start that job in New York, that’s about all the time I’ll have for my daughter.

  I prop up on one hand and punch the pillow with the other. Then, I roll over on my side.

  At that exact moment, I hear the door behind me creaking open slowly. A tiny voice then squeaks out a tentative “Daddy?”

  I roll over so I’m facing the door. “Lily?”

  With the dim morning glow illuminating my daughter, I can see she’s holding one hand over her mouth, like she might be hurt.

  “What the…?”

  I am up and out of that bed in three seconds flat.

  Kneeling before her, I ask, “What happened, sweetheart? Are you hurt?”

  She shakes her head and slowly lowers her hand from her mouth. I check her over but don’t see anything wrong. The early morning light coming through the window, however, is not quite bright enough for me to say for
sure.

  I reach over and turn on a lamp. “Let me see your mouth, Lil.”

  Instead of giving me a good view of her face, Lily peers down at the hand that wasn’t covering her mouth. It’s clenched in a tight fist.

  Now I’m really confused, until Lily opens her hand and I see what’s in her palm.

  “Holy shit, you lost a tooth!”

  “Shit,” Lily echoes.

  I don’t correct her for swearing. It’s my fault I uttered the word in the first place. I really need to watch my language around Lily.

  Nudging her chin, I urge her to look up at me. “Let me see which tooth you lost.”

  She opens her mouth wide and lowers her chin to reveal a gap on the bottom row.

  “Cool,” I murmur.

  She closes her mouth. “You’re not mad at me, Daddy?”

  “Of course not, princess.” I laugh. “Why would I be mad?”

  “’Cause I make it happen. Jack tell me keep wiggling it…and I did. But, I didn’t mean to break it, Daddy, I swear.”

  Tears fill Lily’s eyes, and I pull her in for a big hug. “Aw, Lil, you didn’t break anything. Your tooth would’ve fallen out no matter what you did or didn’t do. You’re supposed to lose your baby teeth, sweetheart”

  “Why?” she murmurs into my shoulder.

  “It’s all part of growing up. And you know what?”

  “What?”

  “Someday you’ll have all new teeth, grown-up teeth. Doesn’t that sound awesome?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Jack has probably lost a few teeth of his own. That’s why he told you to wiggle your loose one.”

  I lean back and ask to again see the tooth that fell out.

  Lily hands it to me and I tell her, “You know what happens next, right?”

  She shakes her head. “No.”

  As if this is the most serious of business, I say, “We have to put this tooth under your pillow tonight.”

  “Now?” she asks.

  “Well, no, not now.” I thumb over to the light coming through the window, which is growing brighter by the minute. “It’s almost time to get up. We’ll put your tooth under your pillow tonight when you go to bed. And then the tooth fairy will come and leave you money.”