by Jo Ramsey
Mom held up her hand. “Are you saying your dad and I are part of the problem?”
I shook my head, and my excitement flowed away so fast, it was like it had never been there at all. I’d given myself too much credit.
“I’m saying I should be free to talk about whatever I want to talk about if I’m in counseling,” I said slowly. “Ask Aunt Imogen if she finds out everything Evan tells his counselor. The whole point of being in counseling is to have a safe place to talk about things without worrying about people finding out what you say. You’re trying to take that away from me, so I kind of have to wonder why you put me in counseling at all.”
“We’re worried about you!” she said again. “We put you in counseling so she can find out why you aren’t eating and get you to start again.”
“So I’m only allowed to talk to her about food?” I looked down at my comforter. This conversation was not going well, and my stomach was rolling even worse than before. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to keep from throwing up no matter what I did.
“No.” She sighed. “I don’t know, Holly. When we called the counseling center, they said Lorraine has experience with eating disorders.”
“So you assumed that meant she would only tell me to eat and not ask me anything about my life or why I don’t want to eat?” I knew my parents weren’t stupid, but sometimes I wondered if they’d lost some brain cells somewhere along the line.
I wasn’t sure if either of them had ever been in counseling, but they definitely knew people who had. Aunt Imogen and Evan had both gotten counseling after Aunt Imogen divorced Evan’s father, way before Evan had started counseling again to deal with what Frankel and Ferreira had done to him. Even if Mom and Dad didn’t know anyone else who’d been in counseling, they should have learned something from Aunt Imogen.
“I don’t know what we thought,” she said. “Apparently we were wrong, whatever it was.”
“I guess so.” I braced myself. “Does that mean you aren’t going to send me back? I kind of liked talking to her. I told her I’d think about coming back.”
“I think it should be up to you.” Mom paused again. “You’re probably right. If you wanted us to know what’s going on with you, you would tell us. I don’t like the idea of you hiding things from us, but if talking to Lorraine makes things better for you, I guess we should let you do what you need to do.”
“Okay.” It sounded like she’d decided to back off on the whole thing of not giving me any privacy with Lorraine, but I wasn’t entirely sure. Especially since Dad wasn’t part of the discussion. He was the one who’d been the most pissed off about me talking to Lorraine “behind his back.”
“I’ll try to make sure your dad understands.” Mom paused. “Maybe he and I should talk to Lorraine ourselves. Not to ask her what you’re saying, but so she can explain to us how counseling will work for you and what we can do so it really helps.”
“Okay,” I said again. I still didn’t completely believe Lorraine wouldn’t slip up and tell my parents something I’d said, but at least Mom wouldn’t push it. And Mom and Lorraine would probably have a better chance of getting through to Dad than I would.
“I’ll call the counseling center tomorrow to make you another appointment and ask Lorraine about us talking to her.” Mom stood. “Right now, I’m going to go watch TV with your father. It’s probably best to wait until tomorrow to discuss this with him.”
“You didn’t answer me about having my friends over tomorrow night.” That should have been her reason for coming to my room. She’d said she and Dad had talked about it, but other than telling me to give them more notice, she hadn’t told me their decision.
“Oh, right. We’ve decided it’s okay, but they’ll have to leave by seven. They can come over around five thirty. I’ll be home by then even if your dad isn’t. We’ll let you and your friends eat in the living room, but you’ll have to make sure everything gets cleaned up afterward.”
“Thanks.” That would only give us an hour and a half, and we would probably spend at least half that time eating pizza. But it was better than nothing and more than I’d expected my parents to agree to.
“You’re welcome.” She started out of the room and stopped in the doorway. Without turning around, she said, “We love you, Holly. Even if you don’t always like us, and even if we aren’t happy about something you do, we love you.”
“I love you too,” I said.
She walked out and closed the door behind her.
WHEN I got home from school the next day, the first thing I did was try to clean the house. The place wasn’t totally messy, but since Mom and Dad worked all the time, the only time anyone actually did housework was on weekends. I probably should have been doing some during the week, but my parents only asked me to pick up after myself and do the dishes sometimes, so that was all I did. If they wanted me to help out more, they could ask.
That didn’t mean I wanted my friends to see the clutter, though. Evan and Chastaine were kind of used to it, even though I was embarrassed every time Chastaine came over. The others had never been to my house, and I wanted to make a good first impression.
By the time I finished, the living room and kitchen at least looked better than they had. And it was just in time. Even though it was only four o’clock, the doorbell rang as I was putting the vacuum cleaner back in the kitchen closet.
I opened the front door to see Nathan standing on the steps. Not anyone I’d been expecting. He wasn’t part of the support group, and as far as I knew, he didn’t even realize it existed. Whatever he wanted, he would have to leave before the others showed up, and preferably before Mom got home. I wasn’t supposed to have any guys other than Evan at the house when I was home alone.
I let him in only because it was way too cold to make him stand outside, but after I closed the door, I stayed beside it. “What are you doing here?”
“We need to talk.” He pulled his gloves off and stuffed them in his coat pockets. “Can I sit down?”
“No. I just cleaned, and you’d track snow all over the place.” I folded my arms. “You pretty much never come over here. If we need to talk, you could have called.”
“I wanted to talk to you in person.” He glared at me. “You’re seriously going to make me just stand here?”
“I just cleaned,” I repeated. “Plus you know my parents’ rules. I’m not even supposed to let you in this far.”
“Whatever.” He put his hands in his pockets. “Okay. What the hell is going on with us?”
“Nothing. Same as always.” I leaned on the door. “If you’re going to be a jerk, just leave. I don’t have time for it.”
“I don’t have time for people talking behind my back wondering if I’m gay because my girlfriend is,” he said. “I know what’s going on with you and Chastaine. You were honest about that, at least. But now you’re spending more time with her than with me, and people talk.”
“People talk about everything.” I was pretty sure he and I had had the same exact conversation once already. I hadn’t appreciated it then, and I definitely didn’t now. “If they’re figuring I’m a lesbian because I spend time with Chastaine, that doesn’t even make sense. Girls hang out with female friends all the time. Chastaine used to be pretty much surgically attached to Eleanor Alice and Gina, and no one ever said they were lesbians.”
“That’s because everyone knew Chastaine was hooking up with guys and even who some of the guys were. Now everyone knows she hasn’t hooked up with anyone since last fall.”
“Because of what happened with Jim Frankel. Not because she doesn’t like guys.”
“Yeah, probably, but that isn’t what people are saying.” He folded his arms. “Everyone knows Chastaine has sex a lot, and some people figure if she isn’t doing it with guys, maybe she’s doing it with a girl.”
“Some people are frigging idiots.”
“They’re right, though.”
I shook my head. “Chastaine and I aren’t having s
ex, so they aren’t right about that part. Not that it’s anyone’s business, especially yours. They’re right that she and I are together, but how does that automatically mean you’re gay?”
“Who knows?” Nathan looked around like he was trying to avoid looking at me. “Look, either you’re helping me cover or you aren’t anymore. I don’t really care either way. If everyone knows we aren’t seeing each other anymore, maybe they’ll figure you’re a lesbian and I just got screwed over.”
“Yeah, that makes things better for me,” I snapped.
“I don’t care about making things better for you right now!” He bit his lip. “We had an agreement. I went along with it when you told me you and Chastaine were a thing because we were only pretending to be a couple, so I was okay with you going out with her as long as you kept pretending. But it isn’t working anymore, and I don’t care what people think about you. I can’t let anyone figure out that I’m gay.”
All I could do was stare at him. We’d been friends since middle school, and we’d been covering for each other for months. I’d always thought he was a decent guy and a good friend, but clearly I’d given him way too much credit. He was an asshole, only looking out for himself.
It took me a couple of minutes to even come up with something to say. “Fine. Tell everyone you broke up with me because of Chastaine. That’ll make you look like the victim and me like the bad guy, so you should be happy.”
“I don’t want to make you look like the bad guy.”
“Could have fooled me.” I opened the door. I was done with the conversation and done thinking of Nathan as anything more than some guy I went to school with. “So much for friendship. Even if things didn’t work out to keep you in your precious little closet, you could have been decent about it. You decided not to be, so stay the hell out of my life.”
“We’re friends.” He didn’t sound like he meant it.
“No. We aren’t.” I motioned at the open door. “My parents pay for heat. I don’t want to stand here letting it all out.”
“Whatever,” he muttered again.
He still stood there as if he was waiting for me to say something else. But I didn’t have anything more to say. I just looked at him until he shrugged and walked out.
I closed the door and started to cry.
After a little while and a bunch of tissues, I pulled myself back together. Nathan and I had been friends for a long time, but if he was going to act this way, he wasn’t really much of a friend. Definitely not someone I wanted in my life. Friends were people who stood by you and accepted you for who you were, the way I’d done for Nathan when he came out to me. I’d believed he would do the same for me. I guessed that only happened when I helped him lie to everyone.
I didn’t need someone like him in my life. I had people who actually did care about me and stand by me. I’d already lost a couple of friends because I’d stood up for Chastaine, and I’d survived. It sucked, but it looked like it was time for me to stop and think about who my true friends were.
I turned on the TV and sat down to watch some random reality show rerun until it was time for the support group to show up. I wanted to shut off my brain for a while.
Mom got home a little after five and ordered the pizzas so they’d be there when the group got there. I wanted to ask her if she’d talked to Dad about my counseling that morning. They’d both pretty much ignored me before work, so I hadn’t had a chance to find out. But Mom didn’t seem too inclined to talk now, so I let it go and just stayed out of her way, other than to ask if she would mind not being in the living room while we had our meeting. She didn’t look thrilled, but she agreed to stay in the kitchen or her room, and not to interrupt us even if she overheard things.
Chastaine and Eleanor Alice were the first people who showed up. Chastaine took one look at me and gave me a hug. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Apparently I wasn’t doing as good a job covering being upset about Nathan as I’d believed. Mom hadn’t noticed anything, so I’d figured no one else would.
“Bull,” she said. “Come sit down and talk to us.”
The doorbell rang again. This time, it was the pizza delivery guy, so instead of answering Chastaine, I went into the kitchen to get the pizza money from Mom. By the time I paid and carried the three pizza boxes into the kitchen, Chastaine and Eleanor Alice were sitting on the couch in the living room. Before I could join them, the front door opened and Evan and Guillermo walked in.
That meant I wouldn’t be able to talk to Chastaine about Nathan. I wasn’t exactly sorry about that. She would only get mad at him for upsetting me. I was tired of people being mad at each other, especially when I was involved, so I was just as happy not to have to deal with it.
Over the next few minutes, Tracie, Tony, Alyssa, and Xan showed up. I was kind of surprised to see Alyssa and Xan. I’d figured they would blow us off again. Either they’d decided to give the group a chance, or they wanted free pizza.
I waited until a little after five thirty, but Natalia didn’t show up. That worried me. She’d been really twitchy the first time she told me someone had tried to hurt her, and when we had our first meeting, she hadn’t been happy about being there. She’d told me her mother might not let her come to a meeting at suppertime, so maybe that was the only reason she wasn’t there. But without knowing for sure, I was concerned.
“You guys go ahead and have some pizza,” I said. “I’m going to try calling Natalia to see if she’s coming. Unless someone else heard from her?”
Everyone shook their heads. “I don’t even see her at school,” Tony said. “It sucks that she needs a group like this, but maybe it isn’t right for someone like her.”
“That’s one of the most ignorant things I’ve ever heard you say,” Chastaine said. “If someone needs help and support, this is the right group for them.”
“I’m going to go call her,” I said again. If Chastaine was about to go off on Tony, I really didn’t want to witness it. “Pizza and plates are on the table. Soda in the fridge. I’ll be right back.”
I hurried to my room before anyone could stop me and called Natalia. Her phone didn’t even ring, just went straight to voice mail. Either she didn’t want to talk to me, or someone else had told her she couldn’t.
I left a short message, because there wasn’t much else I could do. “Hi, Natalia, it’s Holly. We’re all at my house for the meeting and pizza. Please call so I know if you’re coming or not.”
Just to make sure, I sent her a text saying pretty much the same thing. Then I went to the kitchen. I didn’t know whether I’d hear anything from Natalia, so I didn’t want to just stay in my room and wait.
I took a small slice of pizza and poured a little diet soda into a glass, then joined the others in the living room. “Thanks for being here,” I said. “I think one thing we should do tonight is figure out who’s going to host the next meeting. Other than that, we can just talk, I guess.”
“Do you have any idea how much bullshit there is online about girls ‘asking for it’ when they get attacked?” Xan said. “I was eleven. I didn’t ask for a damn thing except getting home safely. That didn’t happen, and it wasn’t my fault.”
“It definitely wasn’t,” Chastaine said. “And I understand what you mean. I got the ‘you asked for it’ crap too. But with me, it was different. I’d had sex with him before by choice.”
“And with half the other guys at school,” Tracie said.
Eleanor Alice jabbed Tracie in the ribs. “Shut up. That doesn’t even matter. That’s what they’re trying to say. It doesn’t matter how many times or how many people you say yes to. If you say no, it’s wrong.”
“If you don’t say yes, it’s wrong,” Tony said. “Sometimes you can’t say no.”
“Right.” Alyssa pulled her bangs over her eyes. “Sometimes you aren’t given the chance to, and sometimes you don’t know you can.”
“Holly, Evan said this whole thing was your idea,” Xan said. “
Maybe you guys talked about this last time, but for those of us who weren’t here, catch us up. What is this group for? Just so we can spew about what happened to us?”
“No. I mean, not if we want it to be something more. It’s all of our group, even if it was my idea, so we all have a say in what it’s for.” I was glad she’d asked, and even more glad she’d directed her question to me instead of Chastaine. At least someone realized Chastaine wasn’t the only one in charge. “It’s so people who’ve had stuff happen to them can talk about it if they want to, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s also for people to support each other. Like, no one’s done anything like that to me. I know how lucky I am, because I know too many people who have been assaulted. Plus, like you said, some morons blame the victims instead of seeing it as a crime. I want to fix that.”
“How?” Xan’s question sounded like a challenge.
“I don’t know yet.” I picked a bit of cheese off my pizza and put it in my mouth. It was so small I swallowed it without chewing. “That’s one of the reasons I wanted to start this group. Like, the Gay-Straight Alliance does Day of Silence and other stuff to make people aware that there’s nothing wrong with not being straight or having your gender not match your anatomy or whatever. When I suggested this group, I was kind of thinking we could do something similar for people who’ve been assaulted.”
Alyssa snorted. “Yeah. You’re going to change the minds of everyone who’s ever said ‘she asked for it.’ Good luck with that.”
“Or everyone who’s said a guy should be proud of having sex with an adult when he isn’t even out of elementary school.” Tony took a deep breath. “It’s bullshit. No matter who’s saying it or who they’re saying it to, it’s bullshit. Molestation is molestation. Doesn’t matter if it’s a man doing it or a woman, and doesn’t matter if the victim’s a girl or a boy. Same for rape.”
Alyssa shuddered. “Don’t.”
“Trigger warning,” Chastaine said quickly. “Sorry, Alyssa. Last meeting, we talked about people’s triggers and words we shouldn’t use, but you guys weren’t here. Would you tell us what your triggers are? You too, Xan.”