“Danielle,” she says sternly, once again using my full name to get my attention. And damn if that doesn’t sting since Scott always said it with so much love. “I apologize for not being around during your visit.”
That’s it?! No apologies for everything else I just said? Seriously? That’s all she’s apologizing for? I can’t understand why I ever expect anything different.
“That’s fine, Mom,” I say and to extend an olive branch, I add, “We’ll be here a few more days if you want to spend time with Chloe.”
She looks up at me and sighs. “I do.”
When I look at her skeptically, she adds, “I really do want to spend more time with my granddaughter. I promise to be around more.”
“Let’s see how the next few days go and if you are around more, I’ll consider staying. But make no mistake, if I see you drunk in front of Chloe, just one time, we’re gone. That is something that I will never tolerate!”
She looks at me, nods, grabs her drink, and silently leaves the room.
I fall onto the sofa she just vacated, cover my face with my arm, and blow a heavy sigh. I hate hurting her and this whole thing has left me feeling incredibly sad. It’s times like this when I really need E. He always knows the right things to say to cheer me up. It’s incredible how close we’ve become and how alike we think. He’s become my rock as I’ve become his. And we’ve never even spoken.
Knowing what I need, I gather myself together and go upstairs to text E.
I had it out with my mom today.
He knows about everything that’s been going on. Our daily texts haven’t stopped, if anything, they’ve become more frequent. I’ve grown to depend on him like I depend on water and air to survive.
What happened?
That’s my E, always quick to respond and always there for me.
I went off on her, E. I lashed out at her for never being around; for always being drunk and for not even having the decency to come to the funeral.
Ouch! How’d that go?
It wasn’t pretty. I said some very hurtful things but it felt really good. After everything that’s happened in my life, I’m over any type of bullshit.
Good for you! How did it end?
She asked me to stay and I told her we would if she’s around more. Then I told her if I see her drunk at all around my daughter, we’re gone.
What are you thinking of doing?
I’m going to stay, at least for one more week. If she proves herself then I think I may stay longer.
Is that what you want to do?
I had planned on asking you your opinion when the time drew near. So the answer to your question is, I don’t know.
You know me and my opinion are always here for you, babe.
He always makes me smile.
And that’s what I adore about your humble self. You always put a smile on my face, even when I’m blue.
I aim to please. So, you’re playing it by ear?
Yeah.
What are you going to do if you stay?
I have a friend here who teaches at her daughter’s preschool and she told me they have an opening for an assistant art teacher. I could put my daughter in school and be able to work near her daily, which I would enjoy.
That sounds really great. Have you ever thought about moving in with your friend, eventually finding your own place and maybe staying…for good?
I’ve been thinking a lot about this and from the pause in his question, I can see he has too.
Actually, that doesn’t sound horrible and I’ve thought about doing just that. But I couldn’t. It wouldn’t be right, E. My in-laws adore us. They’ve always been there for us, despite their own pain. I know they’d miss us fiercely.
Well, it looks like your decision is made. If your mom steps up, stay there for a little while longer. Take the job and put your daughter in preschool. It’s what you wanted to do when you originally went back home. Being free to figure everything out is the reason you left and I think it’ll be really good for you. A routine of sorts…some stability.
When did you get so smart?
Did we just start texting?
Well, I know that you’re funny in a very dry way. Sarcasm, can’t forget that one. You love quoting random shit. You have exceptionally bad taste in food. You don’t really watch the best movies, you have questionable taste in music and, oh yeah! When we text, things keep getting in the way of your brilliant texting, but you’re so great that it never stops you.
I really enjoy being sassy with him.
You’re lucky you put in that last part.
Oh, and you may be a bit smart too.
God, I love you!
Wow! That was the first time he’s ever said those three words outright. I know he’s just saying them in an “in the moment” kind of way and probably didn’t think anything when he typed them, but he still said it. I’m not ready to go anywhere near there just yet, but I do love him and surprisingly, I’m okay with that. What I have with E…I just can’t put into words.
Back at you, babe! I have to get going but I’ll text and keep you in the loop.
Thanks! I care about you and I worry so I appreciate it.
I know he does and that’s why I always respond to his texts so quickly.
I feel the same way! Text you soon.
Bye, my love! Be good.
My love. I smile.
WITH SANDI’S HELP I GET a job at Children’s World in North Escondido. It’s a cute little school full of bright colors and filled with great teachers who really care about the kids. The owners of Children’s World believe that music and art encourage creativity, and I wholeheartedly agree. I was raised with music and have pursued art my entire adult life.
I love being around Chloe every day. She’s doing exceptionally well though I expected nothing less. She’s made a ton of new friends and has become even closer with Sandi’s daughter Kara. She’s also becoming close friends with Annie, the daughter of another teacher named Beth, who I’m also growing close to.
I’m actually happy, or at least my new version of happy. Chloe and I are settling into a routine just like E suggested, and it’s been nice. I need to tell him that. It’s my lunch break, so I head off to a quiet spot to text.
E.
Hey, babe!
I love it here! Thanks for the push. I took your advice and as always, you’re right. So far, the stability has done us both a world of good.
Wow, that’s great, babe. You sound happy and that makes me smile.
He knows I took the job, but it’s been a busy few days and we haven’t texted as much as I’d like…I’ve missed him. I just didn’t realize how much until right now.
Thanks, E. I am happy. It’s a great little school. We’ve both made new friends and it’s been really great to be able to work and spend time with my daughter all day. I’m sorry I haven’t been around as much.
You never need to apologize for getting on with your life.
I’m apologizing for not being here for you. If you haven’t noticed, E, you’re a huge part of my life. I’d never be where I am today if it weren’t for you.
I feel the exact same way. I love the fact that we text all the time but I also understand life sometimes gets in the way. And to be perfectly honest, just knowing you’re around makes me feel less alone.
I’ve really missed you, E.
I’ve missed you too, Dee. And not to throw a wrench on this love-fest but how’s it been going on at the home front?
Ugh! Thinking about my mother always throws any good mood I may be having out the window.
My mom’s been trying but we both know it won’t last. Einstein’s definition of insanity is “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” If you google it, you’ll see my picture.
(Evil villain laugh) I finally get to see what you look like… Wait a minute.
Why did he stop texting?
Ugh! Not a flattering picture.
Oh my
God, E!
I burst with a laugh so loud that a few people actually look my way. I love our banter.
Did you just go online and look up the definition of insanity to see if my picture was there?
I did but I didn’t expect you to be an old man with crazy gray hair and an overgrown mustache.
You’re cracking me up! And here I thought they got my better side. I’ll have to face the other way next time. But seriously, E. Thanks for everything…the laugh included.
I’m really happy for you, Dee.
So far, so good, I guess. And that is saying a lot.
You’re on the right track so keep going.
You do know that the light at the end of the tunnel is another train, right?
LOL! And yes, I do know that. I’m that schmuck who’s always on that stupid train!
I’m right there with ya, and thanks for being my other half on this journey.
That’s what I’m here for.
How about you? You said that you were going to start running again. Are you actually working on those looove handles?
Let’s put it this way. I could model for GQ if I wanted to.
Hah and oooooo! I’m positive that he’s handsome. I imagine he has a lean, well-sculpted body, and I have no doubt he could model if he wanted to.
Well, that’s good those love handles will no longer be getting in the way! We can’t have anything interfering with all your brilliant texting. That would be a tragedy!
Do you not remember our previous discussion regarding my love handles? Or do I need to remind you?
I smile at the memory.
Nope! Still got a pretty vivid memory of that one. I think it’s been seared into my brain.
As it should be.
I hate to change the mood but I need to ask him about building furniture again. I know he abandoned his passion after the accident and the fact that he bought a sketchbook and started designing again shows me he misses it. I know it’ll help him move forward if he picks it up again. But I also know he’s scared, when your life suddenly gets stolen out from under you, everything is scary.
It’s my turn for the wrench, E. Any more thought on creating furniture again?
No.
Oh God, he’s going back to one-word answers. That’s not going to stop me though. I know him well enough now to be able to turn his mood around and I’m determined to help him like he’s helped me.
We’ve talked about this and we’ve already taken the first steps. I know you’re scared to go back into that again but it would be the best thing you could do. Your brilliant mind will be occupied again. You’re creative, E, just like me. You need this.
I know, sweetheart. I’m just not ready.
YES. YOU. ARE! I know it! You know it! When we hang up I want you to sit down. I want you to open that sketchbook of yours and I want you to draw something…for me. I’ll be with you, of course; texting exactly what I like, so you’ll make exactly what I want.
We’ve been spending a lot of time lately texting about him picking up that part of his life again. Through our texts, I got him to clear out his garage and get a drafting table and chair set up so he could work. I wanted him to also put in a love seat, table, and mini fridge so he could be comfortable, but he adamantly refused. It was how his store was set up before the accident and I can’t blame him for not wanting to see the same setup. It was slow-going and took a lot of convincing and a lot of virtual hand-holding but we got it done.
Getting him to actually sit in there? Work in there? Well, let’s just say we’re still working on that. Baby steps.
For you?
I can sense his disbelief and imagine him sitting on his couch with a scowl on his face; a scowl that I plan on erasing, and keeping away for good. Asking him to do it for me got him to Thanksgiving dinner, so going with what works, I continue:
Yes, for me! I’m heading home soon and I don’t have any outdoor furniture. I’d like a small dining table, four chairs, and a couple of lounge chairs with a small table to go between them. I feel like what you make for me should be bright. You bring that out in me. Summery, bright, and beachy!
Beachy?
Yes, summery, bright, and beachy! Are you even listening?!
I’m listening.
And you’re stalling!
I am.
I know he is but I also know he can do this; so I tell him just that.
Babe, I know you can do this! I have so much confidence in you and I’ll be with you every step of the way, like I always am. Why don’t we make a date? Text me from your garage and we can work on it, together. That way I’ll get to work with the best and get exactly what I want. A win-win! Come on, let’s do this!
Okay.
Okay?!
Again, why do I always question him whenever he gives me the answer I want to hear?
Okay.
YES!
And that’s exactly what we do. I have Sandi take Chloe for another weekend. I tell her I want to spend some time alone with my mom—a lie because my mom told me she’d be gone the entire weekend—but she buys it, which I’m extremely thankful for. E and I spend the entire weekend designing my furniture. We get on the same websites and pick out paint colors and fabric patterns. It takes a long time; we stop to eat a few times and plenty of alcohol is consumed, but we do it.
It goes so well that we even go to the hardware store and together, albeit through texts, we buy the tools and materials for my new furniture which is now sitting in his garage.
I think all our joking around helped him forget the significance of what he was actually doing, but I didn’t forget it. I know what he’s doing is huge for him. It’s a clusterfuck of emotions for me though. We came up with a bunch of stuff I know I’d love, but will never see.
Having said that, I know once everything is built, seeing all the completed work in his garage will bring a smile to his face and hopefully encourage him to continue down this new road. And that thought alone makes me happy.
Now I just have to work on me.
“ERIC, IT’S EAN MONTGOMERY.”
Calling my realtor was difficult but it needed to be done. Eric understood why I broke the lease on my storefront and even though he only does commercial real estate, he was more than happy to help me find a new place to live.
Dee told me she was leaving because everybody she came in contact with kept inundating her with words of sympathy and stares of pity. I know both. I hate both! But I also know the main reason she left was because she was scared shitless of facing her first Christmas without her husband. When she told me she was going, I tried to reassure her with humor, support, and friendship—while never mentioning I knew the main reason why she was leaving—she didn’t need to be called out, she just needed me to be there for her.
I was surprised Dee actually moved away. But I found I was even more surprised at how I felt after she left. We aren’t together, not in the literal sense, but for some strange reason, knowing she was nearby helped. She has a way of pulling me out of the dark hole I often find myself in, without even realizing she’s doing it. She’s my light! She’s strong and she’s brave. She can raise my spirits with just her thumbs, even when they weigh over a thousand pounds. Her words and actions have given me the ability to move forward. Going to New York turned out to be a great thing and I know this’ll also be a really good thing for me.
Knowing she was on the road was harder than I imagined; I was scared out of my mind for her safety. Needless to say, when I heard my phone ping with a text from her, I was finally able to breathe. And then smile.
In her text, she accidentally blurted out that her mom’s an alcoholic. She panicked and immediately apologized. It was adorable how worried she became about breaking our unwritten rule of divulging too much information. Dee and I have grown even closer since Thanksgiving and she needed to know that although I don’t plan on breaking our rule, I love how comfortable we’ve become with one another and I’m never going to fault her for being h
erself. So to reassure her, I told her my parents’ and sister’s names. I also called her “Dee” for the first time instead of just using the letter D. She loved the nickname and was instantly relieved, so I’ve been calling her Dee ever since. I also told her I love her. I absolutely do love her but I could never love another woman the way I loved Alyssa. Knowing Dee, I’m sure she took it the way it was intended. At least I hope she did.
I love the witty repartee that flows between us. Sometimes I wish I could hear her voice but I won’t cross that line. There’s something very comforting about only communicating through texts.
The house I’m renting is in Hermosa Beach on a quiet street that runs parallel to the ocean and is within walking distance of both the beach and the commercial part of town. Since the houses are so close to each other, I was pleased to see the one next to mine was vacant. Even though I plan on getting out more and finally start running with Po again, I’m still not ready to socialize or make new friends.
The move was hard. I didn’t tell a soul. I wanted to do it on my own; no, I needed to do it on my own. I only took what I needed to survive; a few memories and some important documents. I was in and out in record time. My house is not a home without them in it and the silence was so loud it was deafening.
I still can’t bring myself to sell it. As unrealistic and insane as it sounds, Dee and I are both still holding out the hope that this whole thing is just one big, horrifying nightmare. I didn’t cry when I packed up because I didn’t let myself feel. I knew if I did, I’d completely break down and would probably never leave. I’ve come too far to go back. I’m finally in a place where the pain in my heart doesn’t make taking a breath an impossible task and it’s for that reason I won’t ever go back.
I just had dinner in my backyard and I’m staring into my garage, thinking about Dee and the furniture I just built for her. I’m proud of myself for taking this step. Dee used every distraction under the sun to take my mind off the significance of what I was doing. I indulged her partly because she also needed a distraction. She’s been miserable living with her mother. The other reason I indulged her was because I needed the distraction. I buried my passion when I buried my family. I didn’t want to ever design and build furniture again but Dee was absolutely right. I did miss it. My mind missed being creative, my hands missed the feeling of the wood in them, my nose missed the smell of the sawdust and my ears missed the sounds of the tools as they shaped what would become my masterpiece. I just didn’t realize how much I missed it until she brought it up.
Saving Each Other (Saving Series Book 1) Page 6