FUCK! 3.
I’m out! You?!
I’m out, E, but I can’t do this. My legs just gave out. I can’t say goodbye. I don’t want to!
Dee, baby, I’m sitting on the grass with you. Give me a hug, sweetheart, we’re not saying goodbye. We’re never going to say goodbye to them. We both know this. Yet, we’ve only moved from the car to the grass in front of the car in the past thirty minutes.
Hah! I can’t even stop crying long enough to even see where I’m going so I’m surprised we’ve even moved that far.
Stand up, hold out your arm, and take my hand. We’ve done this all together before. ALL. OF. IT! So, take my hand and feel my strength.
I have it. Do you feel mine?
Always! Let’s do this.
Okay.
I take a deep breath and start moving but come to a sudden stop. Seeing three graves in front of me with the name Montgomery on them is very surreal and incredibly painful. I need my Dee.
There are actually three graves here… I need to sit down and I really need a hug again. I can’t breathe, Dee, help me!
E, baby! I’m here, I’m holding you! PLEASE feel me!
Dee…
Why can’t we actually be together? Seriously, E, why the fuck not?!
I don’t want to do this anymore. Can we please just go home?
OH God, E… MY HEART IS SHATTERING! Fuck this stupid rule of ours, of not physically being together! Tell me where you are. I’m coming to you!
Give me one second. FUCK! Now I know why I’ve only been here once.
Oh my God, E! PLEASE! PLEASE! Let me come to you!
You are with me, Dee. You really are. My forehead is against yours right now, I can feel you. Close your eyes. Can you feel it? Can you feel me?!
I can feel you. I still love him and I want him back!
I can feel her crying as hard as I am and I still love them too. So fucking much!
I want them back too. I just put their gifts on their graves. Did you?
Yes.
Good girl!
The two of us stop texting; it’s unspoken. We both understand we need time to sit with our memories. I look up at the sky and then back at the graves. “I love you guys and miss you so fucking much!” I cry out, the pain in my soul echoing back at me across the cavernous expanse, dotted with the memories of lost loved ones. I lie down on Alyssa’s grave, close my eyes, and just cry. The fire burning in my chest matches the hot tears streaming down my cheeks. But I haven’t heard from Dee in a while and that worries me.
I suddenly have an epiphany. Without realizing it, I’ve moved forward and somehow, Dee’s burrowed her way under my skin, helped me cope, helped me heal, and helped me grow. So with newfound clarity, I text her.
My eyes hurt from crying so hard. We need to get back to us, Dee. We need to do what we do best and I know we can do it, even from here.
Your text just brought me back to reality and I’m not thinking very clearly. How can we get back to us from here?
See, this is where my big brain comes in handy.
I use her words to try to make her smile again and I am going to make her smile again, if it’s the last thing I ever do. So without waiting for a reply, I text:
We need to lighten the mood. We always make each other laugh and we both need it right now so I have a plan.
I know she’s going to like this plan. She likes silly things and well…so do I.
Yeah, you’re right, yet again. We need to do something that’ll make both of us feel better. But, whenever you say the word “plan,” I get nervous.
My plans make her nervous? Pfft!
Hah! So, okay…what would that hippie couple from the fair be saying to each other if they were sitting here right now? I think that they would be saying something like… “This is like totally fucked up, duuuude!”
Oh my God, E! That’s all wrong. That’s Fast Times at Ridgemont High!
I’m smiling again. She’s my light! Her presence has been bringing me back from the darkness from day one and I thank God every single day I have her. And even though I can’t see her, I know she’s smiling.
There’s that smile I know and love. I wasn’t alive back then and I can’t even remember my own name right now let alone what we said in our texts after the fair. What do hippies even say to each other? Obviously, you’re the expert! So why don’t you enlighten me, Little Miss Smarty Pants.
Hah! Thanks for that. And FYI, I’m not that old.
Dee, we’ve known each other for about a year now so when I say expert…I mean expert about EVERYTHING! So go ahead, show me how it’s done.
You’ve learned well, young Padawan. But you’re the one with the “Big Brain” so you go ahead. Show me your mad skills.
Well, babe. Since you asked…
We start going back and forth, as if we were that couple. The more we text, the lighter I feel. When she tells me she has to go to her in-laws’ or, as Dee calls it, “Squaresville,” I let her know that’s a “bummer.” Dee’s on a roll and it’s cracking me up. I laugh so hard I have tears rolling down my cheeks, for a much better reason, and without even realizing I was even walking, I’m suddenly at my car.
I feel so much better.
I love your verbal diarrhea, Dee. I know that we’re both a few cans short of a six pack right now, but really, get carried away much?! Seriously though, thanks. It feels so good to laugh and I never would have gotten through this day without you.
She agrees and we say our goodbyes.
I’m going to go home and have a brewski.
Right on, man.
As I’m heading out of the cemetery, to the new life I’ve created, I vow that I am going to meet her face to face, very, very soon.
Dee, are you free to text?
I just put my daughter to sleep. What’s up?
I’m following through on the vow I made when I left the cemetery and now I just have to get her to go along with it. I’ve gotten through so much this past year and it’s all because Dee’s been there every step of the way. Her words have healed me and her spirit has lifted me. But what I haven’t gotten from her is her physical presence. It’s the missing link and I’m about to rectify that.
When I first texted her, I was barely existing. Spending all my time on the floor by the front door waiting for Alyssa and Alex to come home. Now, when I look back at everything I’ve accomplished since the accident, I’m truly amazed. I moved into a new home and have gotten out of the house more. I’ve spent time with Justin and Chance again and I’ve been volunteering regularly at Austin House. I traveled to New York and started designing and building furniture again. I packed up and sold the Manhattan Beach house and I said goodbye to Alyssa, Alex, and our baby at their gravesites on the one-year anniversary of their deaths. All things I know I never would have done, if not for the invisible person behind the text messages.
I also know I never would’ve been able to become friends with Dani. When she hit Po, just seeing him unconscious would have done me in. Without the strength I got from Dee I wouldn’t have had the ability to hold myself together, let alone become friends with her. I haven’t spoken to Dani recently. What Dee and I have been going through has been incredibly difficult and I wouldn’t have been a very good friend. I’ve avoided seeing her and I hope that when all is said and done, she’ll understand my reasoning and forgive my absence.
Dee’s the most important person in my life and I desperately need to physically meet her. It’s all that I’ve been thinking about. I just hope that she agrees to do this.
Do you trust me?
I know she trusts me with her life. She’s proven that, time and time again, but I need to have her one hundred percent on board. She’s going to completely freak out about what I’m going to ask her. We’ve been over this so many times; always too afraid to cross the line, strangled by the fear of losing each other. But that is NOT going to happen. I will NOT allow it.
Oh my God! YES, E. You know I do. With my life! What’s th
is about?
I want to meet you…. Face to face.
Meet me???
Mama D’s, YOU and ME! 1/2 & 1/2—half mushroom, half not-mushroom pizza.
In our early texts, we went back and forth about our favorite restaurants. Which ones are the best and what we like to order at each one. We both love Mama D’s but I have a serious issue with having fungus on my pizza. Our compromise was to split the pizza and order what we like on our half. When I decided we were going to meet, it was the first place I thought of.
But…
Look, Dee, we’ve spent this past year saving each other. We’ve scraped each other off the floor, literally. We’ve pieced each other back together over and over and over again. We’ve built each other up through friendship, support, and laughter. We’ve become the best of friends and we’ve found love. We’ve become as close as two people can become without having ever met.
I stop texting to take a deep breath and to send a silent prayer that she’ll say yes. But knowing Dee, she’ll need more reassurance so I continue.
We’ve also been together at the same place at the same time. Yet, we’ve never seen each other. We’ve never heard each other’s voices, never touched. I’m begging you. Just one dinner. Let me hold your hand. Let me gaze into your beautiful eyes. Let me hear the music that is your voice. Please, Dee. I need this! I need to be with you more than I need air or water to survive.
Yes.
FUCK YEAH!
Shit, E! I’m scared…petrified! We can’t screw this up. But when you say shit like that…
Oh thank God! I’m scared too but the need to meet her is so strong it overrules every fear.
I know, sweetheart, I’m scared too! But I mean what I said. We aren’t going to screw this up!
What if we lose us? I can’t lose you, E. I won’t recover!
We know each other too well and I promise you that neither of us will EVER allow ANYTHING to come between us. We can do this. Not only did we survive this past year but we’ve become stronger and all of this was accomplished through text messaging. I never would’ve been able to have achieved any of the milestones I’ve achieved without your support. This has all happened because of you. You, babe!
I’m crying now! Please. Please promise me we won’t lose us. PLEASE!
I promise!
I really fucking do!
Okay, I can get my in-laws to watch my daughter. What time do you want to meet?
Let’s say 5:30. You know they get super busy on weekends. We can have an early dinner and then walk down to the beach and talk.
I’ll be there and I’ll be wearing a green dress to bring out the green in my hazel eyes.
I know she’s going to be stunning on the outside because she’s that and so much more on the inside. She’s smart and funny, compassionate and giving, loving, supportive, sarcastic, and amazingly sexual. It also doesn’t matter what she looks like. She can have one eye and a giant goiter on her neck and I’d still find her incredibly beautiful because I fell in love with her soul.
You, my love, have just made my night! I seriously can’t wait.
That night I climbed in bed with a big-ass smile on my face. The biggest smile that I’ve had all year.
I can’t believe I’m meeting Dee! Actually. Physically. Meeting. Her. I can’t believe she agreed to meet me! I couldn’t sleep at all last night. I wanted it to be the next day so desperately and the clock couldn’t have moved any slower if it tried. I need this with every fiber of my being; a need so strong it’s bordering on survival. I’m so incredibly nervous and so incredibly excited at the same time. This is the last piece of the puzzle. Everything is where it should be and I can finally move towards my future. My future with Dee.
I decide to leave early and walk to Mama D’s. It’s a couple of miles but I need the time to calm down. It’s a beautiful Friday night by the beach and I love walking alongside it. The air is crisp and the sunsets off the California coast this time of year are spectacular.
Since I’m running early, I decide to make a detour and head down to the shoreline. I take off my shoes and roll up my pants to wade into the tide. I want to talk to Alyssa. When I get back to the water’s edge I sit down and look up at the sky and the sun setting over the horizon.
“I’m meeting Dee tonight, Allie,” I say softly. “She’s amazing. You’d love her. I know you’d approve.”
I tell her all about Dee. I also tell her about Dani because I know she would have liked her too. I start to think about Dee and Dani and the things they have in common. I wonder if they ever met if they would become friends; I have a feeling they would.
A lonely tear falls silently down my face. I don’t brush it off. I want to feel it. “I miss you, baby. I can’t believe it’s been a year.”
Other tears trail in its wake as I continue. “Saying goodbye to you, Alex, and the baby was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I didn’t want to do it but I knew I had to, to survive. I know you guys aren’t in that cemetery but it still was so damn hard. Dee helped me.” I chuckle at the memory of how she made me do it. “Actually, she forced me to do it. She’s been forcing me to do a lot of things since day one. It was really stupid how it actually started but it turned out to be one of the greatest things that ever could’ve happened to either of us.” It feels good to be telling her this. I look up at the sky hoping she can see me.
“I never planned on texting her but I was dying, Allie. I couldn’t even pick myself up off the floor. We’ve been good for each other. I fell in love with her. I never planned on loving anyone else but you, but I do love her, with all my heart. She’s become my best friend. Please know though that you’ll always have a piece of my heart. You, our baby, and Alex. Love them for me. Let them know I miss them and that Po’s doing well. I know that’ll make them happy. I will always love you.”
With that, I pick myself up, dry my eyes, dust myself off, and head to my future…to Dee.
When I approach Mama D’s I take a long and deep breath to calm my frazzled nerves and slow my racing heart, as I always do, and enter the restaurant.
“Can I help you?” the hostess asks.
And when I answer, I immediately know that nothing in my life will ever be the same.
“YES!” WE BOTH ANSWER AT the same time.
We turn towards each other and we both just know. It’s instantaneous.
“No…” I whisper in disbelief, shock gripping my entire being. I shake my head because this has to be a dream. There’s no way. This cannot be real. “Deeeee?!” Can Dani really be Dee? Can Dee really be Dani? How is that even possible?!
I gasp and my hand flies onto my mouth “E?!” I can barely breathe. Can this really be real? Can Ian really be E? Can E really be Ian? How is that even possible? What? How? Is this really happening?!
“Dee…” I exhale her name like a prayer and embrace the tears which are now falling from my eyes. And it hits me. Dee really is Dani and Dani really is Dee. Oh my God!
“Oh my God…” I whisper through my fingers, my tears matching his. It is real! E really is Ian and Ian really is E! I just lose it, completely lose it. I drop my hand and make a sound that may, or may not, have sounded like the letter E and launch myself into his arms.
Dee is in my arms! Dani is in my arms! They’re the same person! Holy shit! I don’t think; I just react and attack her mouth with mine. At this point it’s a good thing the hostess greeted us just inside the restaurant because we’re acting like two lost souls who have finally reunited. Fuck! We are two lost souls who have finally reunited. Dee and I are soulmates and this is meant to be.
“My Dee,” I keep repeating between kisses as I carry her out of the restaurant and to the side of the building. I can’t stop crying and I can’t stop kissing her. I needed her desperately and now she’s here! Our tears become one, our bodies become one, our souls become one, and I’m whole again; unbelievably, irreconcilably, whole. We cling to each other, laughing and crying at the same time. She’s eve
rything I’ve dreamt of and so much more.
“E…” I’m in E’s arms. I’m in Ian’s arms. This is unbelievable! We keep kissing, touching, and breathing each other in. He’s my oxygen and I’m his. The world has faded away. Only he and I exist. Time has no meaning. I’m lost and found at the same time. So many nights spent dreaming of him. So many days spent wondering about him. He’s everything and I’m complete. I’m whole.
“You’re really real,” I say through the happiest tears I’ve ever shed. I can’t stop breathing her in. And I’ll be damned if she doesn’t smell exactly like fresh air and springtime.
I needed her with every fiber of my being and now she’s in my arms and I can breathe again. Now I can be again. I don’t want to let her go in fear this may all be a beautiful dream, so I don’t. I touch her hair, her arms, her back, her face, everywhere I can reach. I need all of her! I also can’t stop kissing her so I go right back to kissing her again and again and again.
“Oh my God!” I still can’t believe this! It doesn’t make sense. Their names aren’t even spelled the same.
But it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he’s here, we’re together. The promise I made to myself when I was packing up Scott’s things came to fruition. We did get through this, we are healthy and whole, and he did end up in my arms. We did it!
I can’t stop crying, or kissing him, or touching him, or holding him. If this is just a dream, it’s a dream I never want to wake up from. I finally have him and I never want this to end!
I lean my forehead against hers to just be. To breathe her air, to feel her heartbeat. I kiss her again, pull back and through the smile I can’t seem to get rid of, I ask, “How did we not see it, Dee? We’re both intelligent, how did we not make the connection? I love both of you so much and you’re the same damn person!”
E lays his forehead, once again, against mine, giving the both of us a chance to actually process the fact that we’re in each other’s arms and to think about his question. But I don’t want to think and I never want to move. I want to spend forever tucked in the safe embrace of his strong arms. Like him, I have a million questions I want to ask, though before I have the chance, I feel him, once again, pull back and it’s then I notice his smile and I melt. His eyes are smiling, the sadness in them…gone. And suddenly it doesn’t matter that we never made the connection. Suddenly I feel incredibly free. Incredibly happy and that joy explodes from my soul like fireworks on the Fourth of July.
Saving Each Other (Saving Series Book 1) Page 14