“I was wondering if you’d want iced tea with dinner. We’re having BBQ from our favorite place in town, and iced tea goes really well.”
“Oh, sure. That’d be great.”
Ethan ruffled Cat’s hair as he grabbed his plate and headed to the table. He was clearly a typical older-brother type. She remembered Cynthia saying on the phone that he was a recent engineering grad. He looked like the all-American frat boy and a lot like Aaron. As he passed Brooklyn, he paused a moment and dropped his voice. “I’m sure this has to be a head trip for you, but I’m really glad you came. Maybe when the initial stuff is out of the way, we can grab dinner sometime in the city. Talk one-on-one.”
It was a nice gesture. “Yeah. Let me know when you’re in town.”
He inclined his head to the island of food. “Grab a plate and load up. We’re pretty informal around here.”
She did just that, attempting small talk along the way, but there were a lot of eyes on her, and the pressure to hold it together was crushing. It wasn’t long before the six of them were seated around the long kitchen table, she and Jessica on one side, Ethan and Cat on the other. Aaron and Cynthia sat at either end.
“So Cynthia tells us you’re in advertising?” Aaron asked.
She finished chewing a bite of brisket. “That’s right. I work at a small firm in Soho with some friends.”
Jessica raised one finger. “She’s says it’s small, but they’re growing exponentially and landing some pretty high-end accounts. The company’s garnered a lot of attention in the industry lately.”
Brooklyn raised an eyebrow at Jessica, who smiled and went back to her dinner. It was an important compliment that she would file away for later.
“Well, that’s very impressive,” Aaron said. “You should be proud of yourself. Do you live in the city?”
“I do. In a loft a few floors above the office, actually. It’s technically an artist’s loft by zoning law, but that’s not generally enforced. Plus, we like to think of ourselves as artistic.”
Cat shook her head in awe. “That’s so cool.”
“It is a pretty cool space, yeah.” She turned to Aaron. “What kind of work do you do?”
“I’m an engineer. I look at repair processes for the aviation industry, and Ethan, here, is coming to work for me starting this month.”
Ethan nodded. “I’ll try not to embarrass the old guy with my newfangled technology.”
Aaron tossed his napkin at his son in playful revenge.
Brooklyn knew the day would be an emotionally taxing one, and she’d been ready for that. She’d be meeting her mother for the first time. But the fact that her parents were happily married, that they’d gone on to have other kids and live their perfect little lives was more than she’d bargained for. Because they’d done it all without her. The longer she sat with that information, the more cheated she felt. And while she smiled and nodded and tried to laugh at all the right places in the conversation, that’s what she kept coming back to.
Cheated.
None of this was hers.
Her mother hadn’t built some new life for herself after giving her up. That was a scenario Brooklyn could have come to terms with. It’s what she had prepared herself for. But instead, Cynthia had gone on and lived the life that should have been theirs. She just did it on her own.
Brooklyn ate quickly. Not because she was hungry, but because the faster dinner concluded, the faster she could make a polite exit, because the clock was ticking on how long she was going to be able to hold it together.
“We haven’t talked about your family,” Cynthia said, covering Brooklyn’s hand with her own. And there was that smile again. While it was a kind smile, the warmth of it taunted her now, given what she knew. Inherently, Brooklyn got that it wasn’t fair of her to fault Cynthia. But with emotion running high, she wasn’t exactly in a position to apply proper perspective.
“No, we haven’t.”
“What are they like? Your parents.”
“I guess nonexistent is probably a pretty accurate descriptor.” She stared at her plate, at the food she hadn’t been able to eat after all. She couldn’t sit there any longer with the perfect cookie-cutter family, straight off the cover of Home and Garden magazine, and describe to them all the ways she’d been unwanted from the time she was born.
Cynthia tilted her head in question. “What do you mean by nonexistent?”
“Oh. I mean I don’t have any family. I lived in the system until I aged out at eighteen.” She looked on as the color drained from Cynthia’s face, but it wasn’t like she could stop now. The information flowed out of her like some sort of broken faucet. “I went through five different foster homes, six if you count that first adoptive family that returned me because I was asthmatic, though at least they gave me a last name. I finally finished out my time in a group home. It was the kind of place where you hoped against hope that your roommate wouldn’t steal what little you had to call yours. And I’m happy that you all have each other, sincerely, and I’m sure Christmases were great around here, but forgive me, because they were a little harder on me.”
And then she realized herself and paused, gathered her composure. She looked around the table, at the shocked and sympathetic faces staring back at her, but that just added insult to injury. She didn’t want to be pitied. She tried to make it better. “I’m sorry for that. I’m really very sorry. You have all been more than hospitable to me, but if you’ll excuse me, I think I need to go now. I’m not feeling so great. Jess?”
She stood and without hesitation headed blindly down the hallway, scooping up her bag as she passed it. It was as if there were no air, and if she could just make it outside, she would locate some.
As she spilled out onto the driveway, she took a few deep, centering breaths. Whether she was experiencing a panic attack or asthmatic symptoms, she wasn’t sure. For good measure, she took a couple of drags from the inhaler in her bag and placed her hands on the roof of the car, to anchor herself. She closed her eyes and continued to breathe, in and out, in and out until she registered footsteps behind her. She turned as Jessica’s arms encircled her and exhaled slowly into the comfort they provided. She shook her head vehemently as Jessica released her. “That was rude, what I said to them. It was horrible of me, but I couldn’t sit there anymore, Jess. I just couldn’t.” She covered her mouth in realization. “God, what they must think now.”
Jessica shook her head. “Don’t worry about that at all. I explained a little bit more after you left. They’re upset to hear you weren’t raised in the loving home they always imagined you were. But they’re upset for you, for themselves, but not at you. See the difference?”
“I don’t know.”
“You need time and they get that. Come on. Let’s get outta here.”
She nodded. Jessica was right. She was smart. Listen to Jessica.
They drove back to the cottage in silence, and that time allowed Brooklyn to slip further into herself. But the more she thought about the facts in front of her, the more despondent she felt. When they arrived back at the cottage, she headed out the back door and found a spot for herself at the edge of the dock.
Jessica wasn’t sure what to do, but leaving Brooklyn on her own to rehash the day over and over again didn’t seem like the best plan. “Want some company?” she asked from a few feet behind her on the dock.
Brooklyn didn’t so much as turn around. “Actually, no, if that’s okay. I think I just need to be on my own for a while.”
“Whatever you need. Maybe later we can watch a movie.”
“Maybe.” She turned then. “I’m just worried that I’d be horrible company.”
“Good news, because there are no requirements for watching movies with me.”
Brooklyn attempted a smile, but it wasn’t even close to authentic, and it pulled at Jessica in the worst way. If she could just do something to make this easier for Brooklyn, who deserved so much better than life had given her, she would do it
in a heartbeat. It was the most helpless feeling. “Okay. I’ll be inside if you need me.”
Brooklyn didn’t answer.
She set up her laptop at the table in the kitchen that offered a perfect view of the lake. She tried to work, she really did, but her eyes drifted automatically to the dock and the woman who was hurting. Brooklyn had been sitting out there for over an hour now, and Jessica ached for her. She seemed so dejected. Raw.
An hour later when she returned to the dock, she didn’t ask for an invitation. Instead, she simply sat next to Brooklyn and took her hand. They didn’t talk for a while, which was fine. Sometimes silence was the way to go. After a long stretch of it, she turned to Brooklyn. “Catch any fish?”
Whether she wanted it to or not, the beginnings of a grin tugged at Brooklyn’s mouth. Only slightly, but it was something. “Surprisingly, no.”
“Might be your technique.”
Brooklyn didn’t say anything, just stared out onto the water. Jessica let a few moments pass before trying again.
“I thought your parents seemed like nice people.”
“I agree. But let’s not call them my parents. Seems kind of a misnomer to me. I think the requirement is greater, don’t you?” The edge in her voice now hadn’t been there earlier, and Jessica recognized it as a coping mechanism. Brooklyn was refusing to let them in.
“They didn’t know, Brooklyn, what your life would be like when they made the decision to give you up. If they had, I don’t think they ever would have gone through with it.”
She laughed sardonically at that. “I kind of disagree. And it’s not like they were alone in the matter. I was given up twice. Let’s not forget.” She held up the number two like it was a trophy. She was cavalier now, almost mockingly so.
“But that had nothing to do with you,” she pointed out. “You have to know that.”
She shook her head and turned to Jessica. The depth of emotion in her eyes spoke volumes. She might have sounded cavalier, but it turned out she was feeling anything but. “Didn’t it, though? Think it over for a second. No one wanted me.” She let those four words hang in the air, and it seemed like they were ripped from the deepest part of her. The tears now fell freely down her face. “In all that time. No one wanted me. Let’s just be honest about that part. I need to be.”
Jessica took a minute to recover from the gut-wrenching words Brooklyn had just spoken. What do you say to that? You don’t say anything, she realized. She pulled Brooklyn into her arms, where she continued to cry as one uncontrollable sob after another overtook her. But she held on. She had Brooklyn and she wasn’t letting go.
Brooklyn cried for several minutes until, finally, the sobs lessened in intensity before subsiding entirely. It wasn’t long before her breathing evened out once again. But Jessica didn’t let go. They stayed just like that, Jessica stroking her hair, letting her know she wasn’t alone. Finally, Brooklyn pulled away and stared out at the water, her tear-stained face glistening in the waning sunlight. She wiped the tears from her cheeks and blew out a slow, steady breath.
“I’m sorry for that,” she said quietly, still not looking at Jessica. “I don’t know why I’m letting it get to me this way. I don’t usually. I’m stronger than this.”
“You’re a human being, Brook, and you have feelings.” She tried to make Brooklyn see things another way. “You were dealt a raw deal, and it’s okay to acknowledge that. But at the end of the day, I hope you can find pride in who you’ve become despite the setbacks. ”
Brooklyn shook her head. “You probably grew up with a two-car garage and a dog. You couldn’t possibly understand what you’re talking about here.”
“You’re right. I did have a much easier time of it than you did. I would just hate for you to walk away from this day focused on the wrong information.”
“I get that you’re used to being in charge, Jess. I do. But this isn’t your company and I’m not some doting employee, so please don’t instruct me on what it is that I need to focus on.”
Okay, that stung, but she could take it. “I know who you are. I also know that you’re upset and you’re angry.”
“Thank you, Dr. Phil. I’ll keep that in mind.”
That’s when Jessica understood that maybe she was just making things worse. “I’ll be inside.”
But she hadn’t covered half the distance back to the cottage when she heard Brooklyn’s voice. It was quiet, but it was there all the same.
“I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. I’m just in a weird space tonight. And I shouldn’t be allowed to talk to anyone.”
“It’s okay,” Jessica said.
“I just need a little more time to think.”
“I know.”
*
It was dark outside.
And Brooklyn was cold.
She’d been sitting on the dock for a couple of hours now, as emotion after emotion took its turn with her.
A full moon painted the landscape around her with blue and white. It cast large shadows across the water, the trees, the cottage behind her. It really was a beautiful night, even if it didn’t feel especially so.
She was hurt.
That’s what it all came down to when she whittled her way to the core of her feelings. Not that she was given up for adoption; she’d come to accept that fact years ago. But that while she’d been completely on her own, they’d had each other. They’d celebrated birthdays, school dances, and family picnics. And when the holidays rolled around, they’d spent them as a family.
What was she supposed to do with that information? On a certain level, it would have been easier to find out that her mother had been struggling through life, addicted to drugs or moving from homeless shelter to homeless shelter. Because that was a woman who didn’t have much to offer her. But the loss of this Disney Channel version of her parents, who were good-looking, and smart, and kind cut so much deeper.
The fantasy had been true. Her fictional family could have been hers. It just wasn’t.
She felt a little like she was drowning. But the small piece of rope she clung to was the reminder of the people she did have. Mallory, Hunter, and Samantha had never let her down. She did have a family. They just came to her a little later in life.
She threw a glance behind her to the illuminated cottage. There was a woman in there who was beginning to matter to her more than she ever thought possible. Someone who made her heart stop when she smiled. Who was smart and witty and fun. And had a way of keeping her guessing, which she loved.
And Jessica might bring just as many questions to the table as she did answers, but tonight, that didn’t matter. Brooklyn stared at her through the window. God, she was stunning. Her hair was down tonight, which wasn’t a typical Monday-through-Friday occurrence. This was Weekend-Jessica, whose laid-back persona she seemed to like even better. As she watched her work at the kitchen table, a thought occurred to Brooklyn. If she had to guess, she’d say Jessica chose the spot so she could also keep an eye on her. Because Jessica did that. Looked out for her. That’s who Jessica was.
And now the recriminations over how she’d treated Jessica earlier were out in full force. She’d lashed out at her, the woman who had traveled all this way, given up her time to be here for her. The woman who was still looking out for her.
She needed to make things right.
After sitting for so long, her muscles screamed out as she stood. She stretched languidly and headed inside. She hadn’t realized how cold it had gotten, but the effects of the weather finally made it all the way to her brain. She would need thawing out. She flexed her fingers, noting that they were almost entirely numb.
Jessica looked up at her as she came through the door. Cautious. Brooklyn couldn’t fault her for that. “Hey,” she said softly.
Brooklyn shrugged. “Getting cold out.”
“I was about to bring you a blanket, but—”
“You were afraid I might take your head off.”
“I was going to say you came
in before I could, but the head thing was a secondary fear.”
“I’m sorry about my Sybil impersonation out there. This has nothing to do with you, and I wish I hadn’t spoken to you the way I did.”
“In good news, I’m a New Yorker. I can take it.”
“Doesn’t mean you should have to. I’m glad you’re here. If I were on my own right now, I don’t know how I’d…” She trailed off, but that was okay. Jess seemed to get it.
“I’m glad I’m here too.”
A pause then as they stared at each other, still a bit on uneven ground. Jessica wanted to fix that and take Brooklyn’s mind off the events of the day. There would be time for Brooklyn to deal with what she’d uncovered, but it didn’t have to be tonight. She took the initiative. “Why don’t I open some wine?”
Brooklyn offered the tiniest hint of a smile. “I can’t think of anything on planet earth I want more than a drink to settle me down, but I’m frozen solid. I’m going to grab a hot bath first, if you don’t mind, and attempt to turn back into a normal person.”
“I don’t mind at all.”
It was just a few minutes later when Jessica heard the sound of running water. Brooklyn had seemed in better spirits when she’d come back in, but it was clear just by looking at her that the day had run her over.
She opened a bottle of merlot and poured two generous glasses into oversized globes from the cabinet. “Wine is ready when you are,” she called. She took a deep inhale from the glass and let the aromas wash over her.
“Will you bring me a glass?” she heard her call back
“I can do delivery, I suppose,” She carried the glass down the short hallway and knocked once on the door to the bathroom.
“Come in.”
“Wine-delivery girl,” she said as she entered, but then stopped short because Brooklyn was already in the tub. She felt the blush touch her cheeks, embarrassing as the reaction was. But it wasn’t long before a whole lot of other somethings began to stir within her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were already in the bath.”
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