I skimmed my fingers up into his hair. “I can’t imagine what you must have felt. Finding them.”
Taking my hand, he nibbled on my fingers, signaling that he was changing the subject, that he didn’t want to take a trip down Memory Lane into the dark memories. “I don’t want anything to happen to you when you face your full moon.”
I forced myself to grin. “Well, something’s going to happen. I’ll transform.”
“Are you afraid?”
I was, for myself and him, but I wasn’t going to admit it to him, so I shook my head. “Not yet anyway. Who knows what I’ll feel when the moment comes.”
Threading his fingers through my hair, he combed them down its length. “I think you’re courageous. I don’t think it’ll defeat you.”
“Courageous? Uh, did you forget I ran away?”
He held my gaze. “That took courage. You didn’t know what you’d find out there.”
Neither had he when he’d begun his trek to Wolford.
“Are we what you thought we’d be?” I asked.
“Better. Everyone welcomed me. I wasn’t expecting that.”
“Why didn’t you let anyone know you’re a panther?”
“It’s a part of myself I’m not used to sharing. Always hid it from the Statics. Other than my family, no other Shifters were around to share it with. I wasn’t ashamed. Just cautious. Didn’t know how…it would all work out. And I certainly wasn’t expecting you. You’re strong, Hayden. And that makes you sexy as hell.”
Then he kissed me. I loved the way he kissed. Boldly and with confidence. I rolled into him and he tucked me beneath him. His skin was warm beneath my fingers. I loved the strength I felt in his muscles. Even in human form I could feel the lingering remnants of the big cat: sleek, powerful.
I felt safe with him. But I was also afraid. Afraid I’d lose this.
I tried not to think about it. I tried to focus on us, on what I wanted for the future. I fought to remain positive.
We kissed, talked, and laughed throughout the night. Sharing our pasts, what we remembered of our families, our dreams for the future. I thought I should have been tired when the candles burned out and the sunlight crept in through the cave entrance. But I felt rejuvenated, refreshed, ready to face whatever the coming night might bring.
I was prepared to meet my destiny.
And I knew what my answer would be when Daniel declared me as his mate. It would be no. Because I wouldn’t risk losing him.
SIXTEEN
We took our time walking back to the manor. It was such a clear, crisp day that it was difficult to accept that a virtual storm was brewing for tonight.
The closer we got to our destination, the more emotions began flittering in and out of me. Anxiety, fear, dread, anticipation. None of them were mine, but they mirrored mine. I wanted to be brave, I wanted to be strong, but the truth was that I was scared. And I resented like hell that the harvester was tainting what should have been an awesome night of awakening and deepening a bond with my mate. When I’d returned to Wolford at the beginning of winter break, I’d been cautiously hopeful that maybe I would find someone willing to go through my first shift with me. But I’d never expected to find someone like Daniel, someone whom I truly wanted to share that moment with. At times what I felt for him seemed too big to contain. And to know that he had such strong feelings for me—it was a gift I’d never truly expected to receive.
I didn’t want to throw it back in his face. But I wasn’t willing to risk the consequences that came with accepting it. That saddened and infuriated me. I didn’t realize how hard I was squeezing Daniel’s hand until he joked, “If you don’t loosen your grip, I’m going to have to shift to mend a broken bone.”
Immediately I let go. “Oh God, I’m sorry.”
He gave me a tender smile. “It’s okay. Their emotions are starting to invade you, aren’t they?”
They were, but they weren’t the source of my rising tension or fear. Still I nodded. I wanted to lessen his worries about me.
He calmly glanced around, as though measuring threats and contemplating possibilities. I wondered if anything unsettled him. Now that I knew he was a panther at heart, I understood the stillness that I’d witnessed in him so many times. I could envision him stretched out on a tree branch, his tail swinging lazily.
“Maybe we shouldn’t go back,” he said. “Maybe we should return to the cave and wait for your full moon. You don’t need to be bombarded all day with everyone else’s fears and anxieties. You probably have enough of your own.”
More than enough. They not only centered around me but around him. I’d never understood how much responsibility came with love. As incredible as it was to experience the emotion, it was equally terrifying.
His idea was so appealing, to simply spend the rest of the day with him, but I found myself shaking my head. “Maybe while continuing to scour through the ancient texts the elders will have discovered something else to help us.” I knew they wanted to find something more foolproof. “I should have stayed with them, helped them search.”
He touched my cheek in a familiar gesture that I was coming to expect. He was so tough on the outside, but he held such tenderness. “Do you regret spending last night with me?”
I smiled softly, filtering through the hoarded memories. “I wouldn’t trade anything for last night. But now I have to face reality, and that means shoring up walls.”
“It sucks.”
I laughed. “Yeah, but I’m getting used to it.”
“I guess I could distract you with a kiss.”
And before I could respond, he did. It was amazing how everything else faded into the background. He was such a great kisser. There was a purpose to the movement of his mouth, almost as though he were painting passion. I didn’t want it to stop. But eventually we had to come up for air, and when we did, he pressed his forehead to mine, and said, “Let’s go back to the cave.”
Oh, it was tempting. So tempting. “Tomorrow.”
Leaning back, he studied me, maybe trying to determine if I really thought there would be a tomorrow for us. Finally he accepted whatever it was he saw in my face, took my hand, and started walking back to the manor.
“So have you tried to block the emotions?” he asked.
“Every chance I get. Sometimes it’s like there’s a shimmering wall there, but I just can’t make it materialize into something solid.”
“When was the last time you tried?”
I peered over at him. The sight of him always gave my heart a little kick. “What difference does it make?”
He shrugged. “Maybe none. But you’re on the cusp of your full moon. Your other senses are heightening. Maybe you’ll gain the ability to block out what you don’t want to experience.”
“That would be sweet.” If I could find a way to control what I allowed in, maybe I could even learn to use my ability for something good. “Why do you think your kind scattered?” I asked, needing, wanting to change the subject.
“It’s the nature of a panther.”
“You mentioned that you’d come here to learn from us, so you could gather your kind back together. Had you planned to stay?”
“Plans change.”
Yeah, they did, I thought. Sometimes the unexpected happened. Daniel had been unexpected—in so many ways.
It was still early when we arrived at the manor and went inside. No one was around. Daniel and I went up the stairs. At the landing we turned toward a hallway.
Suddenly emotions flared. Love, desire, so powerful, so strong that they nearly knocked me off my feet. I didn’t know who they belonged to, but they humbled me with their intensity. Closing my eyes tightly, I backed against the wall.
“Hayden?”
I shook my head. I had to concentrate. While I knew he could distract me, probably make what I was feeling go away, I wanted to understand what was roiling through me. This was the worst sort of invasion: to know the depths of someone else’s feelings. But
at the same time love was the one emotion we all craved. This love was so sweet, so pure. It was the type that inspired poets—a thought that would have caused me to gag if I hadn’t experienced it and understood the true rarity of it.
Footsteps sounded. Opening my eyes, I fought to push the emotions back, to look unaffected, as the couple rounded the corner.
Brittany and Connor.
I was stunned to realize that the emotions I’d felt were all his, because hers never reached out to me. Did she have any idea how deeply he loved her?
“Hey,” Brittany said, smiling warmly. “We were just headed to breakfast. Want to join us?”
“No, thanks. I’m going to shower.”
She shrugged. “Okay.”
“We’re having another practice session in about an hour,” Connor said. “You’ll both need to be there.”
“We’ll be there,” Daniel responded.
Connor slapped him on the back as he and Brittany walked by.
“What were you feeling from them?” Daniel asked when they were gone.
I winked at him. “I never experience and tell.”
The Guardians were already well versed in several combat techniques, so in the courtyard they weren’t being taught anything. They were mostly just wrestling around, warming up for tonight’s main event when they wouldn’t be able to shift. Their primary purpose in being out here was to provide a catalyst for my lesson.
While they haphazardly tossed each other around, I sat with my back against a tree and focused on building a wall between their emotions and mine. I would be distracted enough tonight. Closing my eyes, I breathed deeply. Worry slammed into me. Fondness. Anger. Excitement. Anticipation. Affection. Devotion. A kaleidoscope of sentiments. Some stronger than others. Some would fade out while others burst forth. I lost sight of which were mine, and that was what I had to work hard to prevent.
Tonight, with everyone surrounding me, striving to protect me, I couldn’t allow their feelings to overwhelm me.
I heard grunts, groans, shouts, and laughter. These Shifters were all connected, by what they were. The elite of our kind. The Dark Guardians. They had a mission, a purpose. I was awed by their sense of camaraderie. I didn’t want to push it out. I wanted to be absorbed by it.
I would have let it overtake me completely if I could have controlled what I allowed in. Instead I pushed it back as well. I focused on my own feelings.
Fear. Of tonight and what might happen.
Excitement. Facing an unknown challenge.
Anticipation. Of my first shift.
Concern. That others might be hurt or die because of me.
Affection. For Daniel. So deep, so profound that I knew it was the beginning of love. The feeling was scary and wonderful. But I didn’t know what to do with it. I was so focused on it, on trying to figure it out, that it took me a minute to realize that I now was feeling only my own emotions. I could still hear activity nearby.
Slowly, so slowly, I opened my eyes. The others were there, prancing around, avoiding blows, rolling around, jumping to their feet. But their emotions seemed distant, hovering just beyond my reach. Excitement from someone shot through me, and I squelched it. It was difficult and wearisome to hold the emotions at bay. But I realized I could do it. I would do it.
I turned my attention to Daniel. He was so lithe and graceful. I could see the feline in him. How could anyone look at him and not see that he would shift into a great big cat?
He must have felt my gaze on him, because he looked at me. Our eyes met. His green to my caramel. Something sizzled between us. Something powerful. I thought tonight, after my shift, he would be the first thing I’d want to scent.
But I distracted him. Rafe took him down, plowed into him, and buried him in the snow.
My concern for him caused my emotional wall to crumble. All their emotions came rushing in, pounding at me. It took so much to push them back, so little distraction to lose the foothold I’d gained. Daniel was a distraction to me, but worse than that, I was one to him. At a crucial moment would he be more worried about my safety than his? I knew the answer, because mine would be the same. I’d put him first and he’d do the same for me. And it could cost him his life. I had to find a way to ensure he wasn’t with me tonight. As badly as I wanted him to be there for the strength I drew from him, I couldn’t risk something happening to him. It would kill me as effectively as the harvester’s attack.
“Okay!” Lucas shouted. “Let’s go inside and do some planning.” He slid his arm around Kayla, and I experienced a sense of love that almost took my breath.
As the others began heading inside, Daniel strolled over, his long legs eating up the distance between us. He crouched in front of me, touched my cheek. “For a while there it looked like you were sleeping.”
I shook my head. “No. For a little while I could block out their emotions.”
His eyes widened and he grinned, sharing my triumph. “Really?”
I smiled back. “Yeah. It was…Well, it made me think with more work, I could get better at blocking and unblocking at will.”
“You think you’d ever want to feel their emotions?”
“I don’t know. Under the right circumstances it might prove to be useful.”
He straightened and held his hand out to me. I put mine in his, and he pulled me to my feet. As we walked into the manor, I glanced over my shoulder. I could sense the danger lurking, the harvester watching. My heart sped up and a shiver of dread went through me. I pushed back my fears, just as I was learning to push back others’ emotions.
But in the end my fears were too strong. They wouldn’t be quelled.
“You know, it’s really not fair that your first shift is overshadowed by this creature,” Kayla said as she brushed my hair.
We were getting together for what I hoped wouldn’t be anyone’s last meal. Kayla, Lindsey, and Brittany had invited me to get ready with them.
“It should be a night you’ll always remember,” Lindsey said.
“I think it’ll be that,” I said as I took the brush from Kayla. I pulled my sandy blond hair back, twisted it up, and clipped it in place.
“My first shift happened at the waterfall,” Kayla told us.
“Mine, too,” Lindsey said.
The waterfall was in a beautiful area in the forest that we shared with no one. Even in winter it was gorgeous because much of it solidified into ice. It looked like an elaborate sculpture. But the elders didn’t want us to travel far.
“Connor took me there after my non-full moon,” Brittany said as she leaned into the mirror on the dresser and applied mascara. “We made it special.” She slid her gaze over to me. “The special night with your mate can happen anytime. Doesn’t have to be during your first full moon.”
“She’s right,” Lindsey said. “You can have lots of special moons. Still I think it sucks about tonight.”
“Maybe it won’t show,” Kayla mused. “When it sees how many of us there are and that we have silver swords—”
“It’s an evil beast. It has no common sense,” Brittany told her.
“Okay, enough talk about the bad,” Lindsey said. “Let’s talk guys. So you and Daniel…” She wiggled her eyebrows. “What happened when you snuck off last night?”
I felt myself blush, sensed their true interest. “We just talked.”
“Did he show you his fur?”
Swallowing hard, I nodded. “Yeah.”
“So you finally saw him shift!” Brittany said. “Is he gorgeous?”
My face grew hot. I was used to the intimacy of feeling emotions in others but not discussing intimate things. “Uh, yeah.”
“All black with those beautiful green eyes—I bet he was stunning.”
“Brittany has always cared about appearance,” Lindsey scoffed, releasing a little laugh. “I think the way he makes you feel is way more important.”
Her gaze homed in on me as though she could bring my most personal thoughts to the surface.
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“Guys,” Kayla said, “Hayden has only gotten to know us in the past couple of days. We can’t expect her to share her most private feelings with us.”
We moved on to talking about other things. Clothes and school. I recognized that they were trying to prevent me from thinking about tonight. But it was never far from my mind.
As much as I liked hanging out with the girls, I had to admit that I felt a small sense of relief when we walked into the parlor and I saw Daniel. It was strange—the way my attention zeroed in on him so quickly, as if I instinctively knew where he was.
The guys had exchanged their sweats and T-shirts for jeans and sweaters. Daniel’s were black. I wondered why he’d want to wear any other color when black brought out the brilliance of his eyes. At that moment they were glittering, and I didn’t know if it was from the joy of seeing me or from excitement about the upcoming battle.
As Kayla, Lindsey, and Brittany each migrated toward their mates, I felt a little sorry for Seth, who seemed so alone. As far as I knew, he’d never declared a mate. But then, technically, neither had Daniel.
Daniel strolled over to me. “A couple of hours before we head out.”
I nodded. “I’m trying not to think about it.”
“Hard to shut it off.” He glanced over his shoulder. “Are they having any luck doing it?”
I shook my head. “No. But everyone’s trying to keep their emotions even, so they don’t infringe on my space.”
“They care about you,” he said. “I don’t know if you can feel that.”
“I never know who the emotions are directed at. Sometimes I can guess….” I shrugged.
“Don’t even think it,” he said.
I jerked my gaze back to his, which was smoldering with passion, but I thought it was ignited by anger as well.
“What?” I asked.
“Don’t think about going off on your own. You know I’ll find you. They can find you as well.”
“Yeah, that whole scent thing is irritating.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “So why did it take you so long to find me before, at the ski resort? I was there for a couple of weeks before you showed up.”
Dark Guardian #4: Shadow of the Moon Page 14