For the first couple months, I was depressed to the point where I nearly lost my job, but once I found out I was pregnant, I had to pull myself together, not just for myself but for the child I was about to have. Luke has always been a good baby, but every time I look at him, he reminds me of his father. Not just his looks, but I have a feeling he will be just as protective and forceful as his dad is. Even at his young age, every time we’re somewhere and someone approaches me, no matter where Luke is, he will come running to stand next to me.
I feel a tear slip down my cheek, which I scrub away angrily. I promised myself never to cry over Nik again, but that awful tightness that surrounds my heart every time I think of him is firmly in place. Thank goodness I took the day today to take Luke for his check-up, because I don’t think I would have the peace of mind to work. Tomorrow is Saturday; therefore, I won’t have to go in either, which will give me time to pull myself together, especially if Nik keeps to what he said and comes to see us tonight.
What am I going to do if he insists on seeing his son? Will I be able to see Nik from afar and not be in his life? When I saw him today and thought the woman behind him was his wife, it felt like a knife being plunged into my heart. The relief I felt when he said he was her bodyguard is scary, because it proves to me that my feelings for him are just as strong as they have always been.
Parking the car, I look around before getting out. Lately, there have been a few robberies in the neighbourhood, because in the last year, drugs have made their way into our small community, and where there are drugs, there is crime. I tried to move and started to look around, but my salary doesn’t afford me to find a place in a different area at the moment. I have done what I can by placing another lock on my door and attaching bars to the windows, but I know that if anyone wants to break in, they will.
“We are home, Luke. Let’s get you inside and fed. How does that sound?” I say as I unbuckle Luke from his seat and pull out my handbag and the bag with his nappies and extra clothes.
“Mama,” he murmurs, and then hugs my neck tight as I hold him against my chest so that I can place the two bags over my shoulder and lock the car doors. I’m halfway towards our door when I hear a whistle coming from my left.
“Well, hello, sexy mama,” someone says, and then there is laughter. Looking over to my left as I hurry towards my door, I see a group of young teenagers sitting on the steps that lead to the apartments upstairs. I relax a little as I recognise two of them and know they are harmless. When I finally manage to make my way inside my little flat and lock the door behind us, I relax a little.
“Mama, eat,” Luke says excitedly, which makes me smile again. Luke loves his food. I can give him anything, and he will eat it. I found out only recently that he has an allergy to citrus. I was giving him oranges and noticed that he would break out in rashes, and he would cry because his mouth was sore. When I looked, he had sores on the inside of his mouth. Today, the doctor confirmed that he should stay away from all citrus fruits.
“Yes, baby, let’s get you something to eat, and then nap.” I drop the two bags on my tattered couch and place Luke on the floor to walk around. I glance around to make sure there’s nothing he can hurt himself with, before walking around the island that separates the lounge from the little kitchen.
I wonder what Nik will think when he walks in here. I had to sell a good portion of my stuff so that I could pay for medical bills. I’m still struggling, but at least we’re making it through the month without me having to sell anything else. The couches are threadbare but still usable. There is no more coffee table or television, as I sold them.
The flat looks bare but clean. I have pictures on the walls from when Luke was born and two paintings that no one wanted to buy. The only other furniture I have left is my bed and a cot for Luke that has been placed in one corner of the bedroom. Nappies and food take all my extra money, so I haven’t been able to buy anything.
I know Nik will be shocked when he sees our home, but he can’t say anything, as I am doing the best I can to support the two of us. Taking the sausages and mash that we had for our dinner last night from the fridge, I warm it up. Looking over at Luke every few minutes, I see him sitting on the floor, playing with his shoe.
“Did you take your shoe off?” I ask, and see him nod happily, his eyes so much like his father’s, shining in happiness. I might not have much to give my son, but he is loved and happy.
“Shooo,” he murmurs as he lifts his little hand and shoes to me.
“Yes, baby, shoe,” I say as I pick up his plate and make my way towards him. Placing the plate on the couch, I pick him up from the floor and place him on my lap as I sit next to the plate.
“Eat,” he murmurs as he looks at the plate, making me smile. I give him his spoon so that he can scoop the mash and the cut-up pieces of sausage into his mouth. Picking up the plate, I hold it up to him.
“Here you go, mash and sausages, the way you like it.” I murmur as he hurriedly scoops up some mash and takes it to his mouth. “Mmm, nice,” I murmur to him as I see him chewing happily.
“Mmm, niceee,” he repeats as he scoops another mouthful. After he finishes his food, I take him into the bathroom and prepare him a bath. I love spending time with my little boy. Having this extra day with him is a pleasure. Usually during the week when I’m at work, Dory looks after him. She is great with him and lives two flats away from mine. Her husband died three years ago, and all the money she can get is a great help to her.
I must be honest—she charges me very little, and that’s why I can keep him with her, because if she didn’t, I don’t know what I would do. I sometimes take her some dinner, or when I bake something, I always share with her. Luke loves her, as she treats him very well. She hardly sees her son, so we have become part of her family. Mrs. Smit is now seventy-six years old, and I worry about her living alone, especially in this neighbourhood, but what can I do? I don’t have the resources to help her. I tried to speak to her son when he came to visit a couple months ago, which was a waste of time, as he complained that he couldn’t take her in because he has a small place and doesn’t have the resources to have her with him. It is sad when we think about getting old and being all alone in the world even though we have children.
After Luke’s bath, I place him on his cot, covering him with his favourite blanket. I walk out, closing the door slightly. Looking down at my wristwatch, I see that I have about thirty minutes before Nik arrives. I wonder for the hundredth time if he will come. The Nik I thought I knew always did what he said, but the Nik who left I don’t know what to think of.
I clear away Luke’s plate and wash the dishes. I have just finished when I hear someone knocking at the door. Looking down at my watch, I see that there is still fifteen minutes to go, but Nik must be early. Pulling a strand of my hair behind my ear, I walk to the door and start to unlock everything. When I pull open the door, my breath catches in my throat when I see him standing on the other side of my door. Now when I look at him and his fitted charcoal suit, I can see a dangerous, formidable man. Before, all I saw was the man I loved, the man who made me feel like the most wanted woman in the world.
“Do you always open your door without asking who’s on the other side?” Only now do I notice the frown and the tense body. His eyes move from me to his left and then back to me.
“I was expecting you,” I explain, knowing he’s right. I should have asked who it was before opening the door, but I have been so nervous ever since seeing him again that I haven’t been thinking straight.
“Raven . . .” he starts, but then looks back at me and seems to change his mind as he shakes his head. “Can I come in?” I nod and step back, letting him enter my little flat.
Nik steps into the flat and stops as he looks around. He then looks back at me, and his eyes travel the length of my body before he speaks again. “What happened, Raven? Where is all the stuff you had?” His voice is thick with some kind of emotion that I can’t explain. I clos
e the door and lock everything before I turn back to him.
“I had to sell most of my stuff when Luke was born.” I don’t elaborate, but I can see by his tense features that he understands.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were expecting my child. You said to me that you were on the pill.” He walks towards one of the couches, looks down at it, and then sits. “Come sit down, Raven,” he states, still the same dominating male I knew three years ago. Instead of complying like I would have done before, I continue standing.
“What do you want, Nik?” I ask.
“I want to explain to you why I had to leave. I want you to know that I had to do what I did, but that you having my son changes everything,” he says. His words make me tense in anger.
“I don’t know what you could say that will make what you did okay, but I can tell you now that me having Luke changes nothing.” I will not have a man around just because I had his child. I want a man who wants me for the person I am, who loves me unconditionally. Not a man who is with me just because of a child, a child he didn’t want. I remember before we made love, he insisted on knowing if I was on the pill. He made it clear then that he didn’t have a life for children.
I wonder if we had stayed together, what he would have said about me being pregnant, if he would have accepted it or if he would have insisted on getting rid of it. “Just listen to me. I need you to know that I wanted you. I wanted us, but my life is complicated.” Taking in a deep breath, I slowly let it out to try to calm my nerves. I walk towards the couch opposite him and sit. His eyes follow my every move. I raise my eyebrows once I’m sitting to let him know that I’m listening, and his lips twitch in amusement at my cockiness.
“When we were together, I never once told you what I did for a living,” he states as he sits forward with his elbows on his legs. “Raven, you know I’m Russian. What you don’t know is that I belong to the Russian Bratva.”
What? What does he mean, the Russian Bratva? That’s like the mafia. How could I not know that I was with a criminal?
“I wanted to stay with you, but in my line of work, I have enemies, enemies I was worried would get to you. I never once wanted to leave, but if I have to weigh the options of what was better, I would rather have you safe than hurt by someone who wanted to get back at me.” My nerves are stretched to the breaking point.
“What has changed? Why are you here now? Have you left the Bratva?” At my words, he shakes his head, and I can see his shoulders droop a little.
“No, I haven’t left the Bratva. I owe the Bratva my life. They are like family,” he states as he looks deep into my eyes. “I left so that I could prevent you from suffering, but it looks like I did the opposite.” He looks around. His hand lifts, and he pulls it through his hair. “I want you to know that I would never have left if I had known that you were carrying my child.” His words wound me—he would only have stayed with me because of Luke.
“Well, it’s a good thing you didn’t know, isn’t it? Like that I know you didn’t want me,” I snap as I twist my hands nervously.
“No. Fuck,” he grunts. “That’s not what I’m saying.” He stands and starts to pace, looking around again.
“Where is the kid?” he asks with a raised brow.
“He’s sleeping,” I say, and see him nod before he lowers his head for a moment. When he finally lifts it again, I can see a determination in his eyes that I haven’t seen before.
“Raven, I know that what I did hurt you. That my decision to protect you actually hurt you. But you need to believe me when I say that I never once forgot about you. You are important to me. I would do anything to keep you safe.” At his words, a tightness surrounds my heart and starts to squeeze. That feeling of loss is starting to overwhelm me again. I know that I can’t let him close to me again. I won’t survive a second time.
“You have explained. Now what do you want, Nik?” I ask. I need to get him to go or I’m going to break down in front of him, and I don’t want him to see how hung up I still am over him.
“Want?” he asks with a confused look on his face. “I want to make it right, Raven. I want to get to know my son. I want to make life easier for you. I won’t have you struggle, or my son.” At his words, I can feel my stomach summersault with nerves.
“We are fine, Nik. I don’t need anything from you. In regard to Luke, if you want to get to know him, then we can work out a schedule for you to see him.”
At my words, his hands fist in anger and his lips thin. “Don’t lie to me. I can clearly see that you’re not doing fine. Your car is a death trap. You’re living in an area infested with crime. You had to sell all your beautiful stuff, and it looks like you haven’t eaten for a week. I’m worried that if I touch you, you will fall into tiny pieces.” His words are hurtful, but Nik was always direct with what he had to say. That is something I can say for him. Not once did he lie to me.
“It’s not your concern, the way we live or not. I have done the best I can, and I won’t have you come in here and judge me,” I snap as I rise from my couch in anger.
“I’m not judging you, woman. I’m stating the truth. You and Luke are my responsibility, and I will do everything to keep both of you safe, and this place is not safe,” he says angrily as he starts to pace again. “I left to keep you safe. You think now that I see how you are living because of me, I’m not going to do anything about it?” He throws up his hands and passes them through his short dark hair.
Nik’s looks always made women stop and stare at him. He has a magnetism to him that attracts women. What I always found endearing about him was that he never seemed to notice the women looking at him. His dark-blue eyes snap with deep emotions, his tanned skin making them more pronounced. Looking at his big manly hands, I notice the scrapes on the knuckles and now know that he must have been in a fight.
“Are you listening to me, Raven?” he states as he comes to stand before me. I look up so that I’m still looking at him and try to pay attention. “I’m going to get you somewhere else to live, and a new car.”
I tense. “Oh, no you’re not,” I say angrily. “I’m not going anywhere. This is what I can afford, and the car is fine.”
His nostrils flare in anger. “You will put our son in danger because of pride. Let me help. I’m not asking you to take me back. I know that I hurt you and that you don’t trust me, but I insist that you let me help you and my son. If anyone knows that Luke is my son, you will both be in danger, and I will not let that happen after everything I have done to keep you safe.”
Is it possible that he could be telling me the truth? Did he really leave to protect me? Even if he did, he should have discussed it with me first. I should have had the chance to decide if I wanted to live in his life or not. It’s not right of him to decide that for me. Taking a deep breath to calm my anger, I take a step back and bump into the couch, trying to get more space between us so that I can think clearer, because when Nik is close, I tend to stop thinking.
“Let me think about this, Nik. I need to think.” I place my hands in the front pockets of my jeans. He stands there for a minute just looking at me before he nods.
“I will leave now, but I will be back tomorrow. Give me your phone,” he says. I look at him in confusion as he sticks out his hand towards me, as if waiting for my phone.
“Why?” I ask as I take the phone out of my back pocket and hand it to him. He starts to type. I hear a beep, and then he gives it back to me.
“I put my number in your phone. If you need anything, anything at all, Raven, you call me,” he states as he takes the last step towards me. His clean fragrance surrounds me, reminding me of his beautifully sculptured body. I feel his knuckles on my cheek as he strokes gently. “I’m so sorry, angel.” He lowers his head and kisses my forehead tenderly before he steps back and walks towards the door. “Lock the door behind me and don’t open it without asking who’s on the other side.” He opens the door and steps out, closing it behind himself. I walk towards the d
oor as if in a daze and lock it. I feel my body shaking in reaction to his touch. My hand moves up to my forehead, and I close my eyes as a tear streaks down my cheek.
I thought that Nik was in my past. It seems now that Nik is very much in my present and future. I need to make sure that I keep my heart caged away from him, because if I ever give myself the opportunity to open up to him and he walks away again, I won’t survive.
NIK 3
I walk towards the car, my mind a jumble of thoughts. My primary thought is that I need to get Raven and Luke out of this place. Opening the door to the Mustang, I slip inside and look around; the once-neat block of flats is now rundown, the people I see slipping in and out of the apartments clearly dodgy. I hit the steering wheel with my open palm as I think of what Raven must have gone through being pregnant and alone.
Taking my phone out, I text Vlad. I need men outside her flat. I need to make sure they will be safe until I can convince her to move. Fuck, I need a drink. Being close to Raven again has brought back all the pain of when I left. Knowing that I brought pain into her life is like a knife in my chest. I squeeze my eyes tight before slowly opening them again.
Raven and Luke will live with me. I need to have them close to make sure they are safe. No matter what happens, Raven will have to come around. I kill and torture men, and never do I feel this feeling of anguish that I’m feeling now. I hear my phone beep. Looking down at it, I see it’s Vlad confirming that he will send someone immediately.
That is one thing about being in the Bratva—everyone sticks together. Like in this situation, Vlad didn’t ask any questions. He simply agreed to send men over. I am a trusted member of the Bratva. I will give my life for Alexey or Vlad, but from the moment I met Raven, my loyalty lies with her first, and then my Bratva family. I will destroy anyone who tries to hurt her and now my son. They are innocents being thrown into a world of hard men.
I sit outside her flat for another thirty minutes until two of our men pull up beside my car. Viktor steps out of the car and walks to my window. Nodding, he waits for his orders. “I want you to keep your eyes on flat number one. The woman and child are not to be harmed in any way or form. If they need help with anything, you are to help them. You protect them with your life, understood?” I state in Russian. I see Viktor look over his shoulder at Raven’s before he looks back at me.
TURMOIL: Bratva Fury (book 2) Page 2