What exactly had she been through? He knew what happened to most pleasure slaves. The absolute depravities they were exposed to. The thought that it had happened to Cami was like acid in his guts. He swallowed once, but then his stomach lurched and he had to rush into the bathroom.
After spending a few long minutes getting intimately acquainted with the toilet bowl, he sat back and slouched against the wall, wiping his arm over the sweat on his forehead. He wanted—needed to talk to Cami about this when she woke up. Except he didn’t want to know almost as much as he did. This wasn’t some small thing. She obviously didn’t want anyone to know about the tattoos. Not even him. Even though they’d been growing closer.
For the time being, he’d have to keep this to himself. He had no idea how she’d react once she knew he’d seen them. It might destroy whatever fledgling feelings that had started blooming between them. And if the last few minutes had taught him anything, it was that he couldn’t handle losing Cami. Not in any shape or form.
Chapter Nineteen
Cami woke up to a pounding head and the low murmur of voices. She opened her eyes, but had to close them again when the bright lights made pain stab through her skull.
“She’s waking up,” someone—Kira—said?
A pressure on her hand registered, and she realized her fingers were clasped in a pair of strong, warm hands.
“Cami?” Qae’s voice was gentle. A hand smoothed over her brow and through her hair.
“I’m awake,” she said, even though she kept her eyes closed. Her voice came out sounding rough, and she swallowed against the dryness in her throat. “Can I get some water?”
There was a brief commotion, in which someone raised the head of the bed she was lying on so she was upright instead of flat on her back. She chanced cracking open her eyes, relieved when the light didn’t seem so bad this time. She was in the medbay on the Ebony Winter.
Qae held out a cup and helped her take a few mouthfuls, before pulling it away at Kira’s insistence that she not drink too much.
“What happened?” she asked. She could remember being on the Exarch Class ship and working to bring the engines online and then—something had happened. An echoing pulse of adrenaline and fear throbbed through her as if her body remembered, but her mind was shielding her from it.
“You don’t remember?” Qae asked, sharing a look with Kira.
The doctor shrugged. “Temporary amnesia from trauma? It’ll come back to her.”
Trauma? She opened her mouth to demand they tell her, but Rian stepped into the medbay.
“So you’re finally awake.”
Qae’s face dropped into a mask of utter cold rage, more ruthless and furious than she’d ever imagined seeing on him. He calmly stood, movements unhurried as he strode to the end of the bed where Rian watched Qae with an impassive expression.
Without any warning, Qae hauled back and punched Rian, who’d apparently been expecting it since he barely stumbled. When Rian straightened, not seeming inclined to fight back, Qae shoved him in both shoulders.
“You’re not even going to try to defend yourself?” Qae all but yelled.
“Not when I probably deserved it,” Rian returned calmly, reaching up to wipe the blood off his split lip with his thumb.
“Probably?” Qae’s voice was hoarse with incredulity. “You would have left her to die!”
“In my defense, I thought she was already dead.”
Qae actually growled and started to launch himself forward, but Jase and Varean were suddenly there, getting in between them. Jase forced Qae back, while Varean took Rian’s arm and drew him a few steps away.
“Come on, Rian. We’ve got work to do.” He hustled Rian toward the hatchway.
Qae’s breaths were heaving in and out with his anger, and Jase was still pressed against him, keeping him in place as Qae glared after Rian when he left.
Once they were gone, Jase set his hands against Qae’s chest and shifted back to scrutinize him. “Are you okay now?”
“Yes. No. Jezus. I don’t know.” Qae seemed to sag a little, and Jase pulled him in for a tight hug.
“It’s okay if you’re not,” Jase murmured to him. “But Cami is fine. You and Varean saved her.”
Jase caught her eye over Qae’s shoulder, but she couldn’t read the look he was giving her. Not when her brain was still struggling to catch up and make sense of everything she’d just heard. They’d said—
“Wait. What do you mean I died?”
Her demand made Qae pull away from Jase and turn to look at her.
“How about we give you two a few minutes alone?” Kira suggested, nodding at Jase to indicate they should leave.
While Jase and Kira made themselves scarce, Qae came over and perched on the edge of the bed near her hip.
“You really don’t remember?” Qae asked, flexing his hand. One of his knuckles was split from punching Rian.
“If I did, I wouldn’t be asking, would I?” She couldn’t quite keep the hint of annoyance out of her voice. “Please tell me what happened.”
He sighed and raked his fingers through his hair.
“We were working on the ship controls, almost done, when one of the Reidar slipped by Rian and the others. He tried to warn me, but when he contacted me on the comm, the Reidar had already made it up the stairs. They move faster than humans. It already had a pulse pistol out and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get a shot off before the bastard fired. Except you jumped up, right in front of me and—”
She pressed a hand to the middle of her chest, the memories coming back in fragments. Mostly, she remembered the fear that Qae was going to get shot and then the searing pain before everything had gone black. She hadn’t thought. She’d just acted out of an instinct to protect him.
“And I died. The pulse blast killed me.”
Qae’s gaze darkened with haunted shadows as he took her hand. “It stopped your heart, yes. I started compressions almost right away, and then Varean revived you.”
“Why are you so angry with Rian?”
Fury edged back into his expression as his features tightened. “You and I, we hadn’t quite finished hot-wiring the ship. Rian didn’t care that you were hurt, that I was trying to save you, he only cared about the mission. He made me leave you so I could finish bringing the ship online.”
Well, she supposed that would have seemed pretty ruthless, but— “He did the right thing.”
“What?” Qae’s head snapped up and he stared at her in disbelief. “But you—”
“I’m fine, clearly.” She held out her arms to demonstrate she was sitting there alive and whole. “He had to make the hard choice. If you’d all dropped everything, stopped what you were doing to worry about me, what would have happened?”
His expression darkened. Clearly he didn’t like where this was going. “We wouldn’t have gotten away with the shuttle. We might have gotten arrested or caught by the Reidar.”
“I mean, it would have been rather annoying if I’d stayed dead, but in the grand scheme of things, it wouldn’t have mattered. Not when the whole universe is at stake. The plan needed to go ahead, no matter what happened to me or anyone else. If I’d been Rian, I would have done the same thing.”
Both of Qae’s eyebrows hiked up. “You really are your father’s daughter.”
“Yes. And you also know I’m right. If it’d been anyone else but me lying there, would you be this angry at Rian?”
Qae glanced away, answering her question without saying anything.
He’d let his feelings for her get in the way of what needed to be done for the greater good. And she talked a good game, but she couldn’t be sure that if their positions had been reversed and Qae had been the one lying there, she wouldn’t have reacted just as strongly.
No matter what else was happening, her feelings for Qae had steadily been expanding within her. It was what had driven her to jump in front of that pulse blast without a single thought. She hadn’t cared for her o
wn welfare, had just known she couldn’t let anything happen to him, because it possibly would have destroyed her. At the same time, she now had to assimilate the fact that they’d nearly lost each other anyway. If Varean hadn’t been able to bring her back—
A swell of apprehension tore through her like a tidal wave as the enormity of almost being killed impacted her. All of the things she would have missed having with Qae, when she’d only just found him. That was what terrified her the most.
“I’m really glad I’m not dead,” she blurted out.
Qae didn’t react for a long moment, still staring at his feet. But suddenly he surged up and clamped a hand on the back of her neck, dragging her in for a desperate kiss. There wasn’t anything practiced or seductive about it. He kissed her with an overwhelming onslaught of emotion, stealing her breath and making her head spin.
He broke the kiss, but didn’t pull back, breathing harshly against her lips. “Don’t you ever, ever do anything like that to me again.”
His voice was furious, but when she shifted back to look at him, there were tears in his blue eyes.
“I’m sorry, but I didn’t think,” she whispered. “I just reacted. I was trying to protect you.”
“God, you’re infuriating. In case you didn’t notice, I was doing just fine looking after myself before you came along. Besides, I built up somewhat of a tolerance to a pulse pistol blast during the war like a lot of soldiers did. Next time, let me take one for the team, okay?”
She started to nod, but he kissed her again, more gently this time.
“I take it you’re feeling better then?”
Qae slowly broke off the kiss, and when he sat back, she saw Kira standing by the end of the bed with her arms crossed and an amused look on her face.
“Considering I apparently died, I’m feeling pretty good.”
“That happens a lot around here,” Kira muttered, going over to pick up a commpad off the nearby bench. “All the scans I’ve done are reading normal. No anomalies or anything to worry about. I think you probably need to rest for at least a day to be on the safe side. I’ll let you leave the medbay, but if you have any heart palpitations or dizzy spells, you need to come right back.”
“I’ll keep an eye on her.” Qae sounded like he intended on taking that very seriously as he took her hand in his. “Can you walk or—”
“You are not carrying me around like a damsel in distress.” She swung her legs off the bed, gratified when they took her weight and she didn’t collapse face-first on the deck. She did feel a little unsteady, but nothing she couldn’t handle.
She did let Qae take her arm as he led her out of the medbay, however.
“So are we on track?”
He sent her a questioning look at her query.
“With the plan, I mean. We got the shuttle. What now?”
He shook his head as if he couldn’t believe she was focused on that.
“We’re going to travel a few days into the central systems before splitting up. We’ll take the Ebony Winter and head to Ballard, while Rian, Ella, Varean, and Kira take the Medulla and head to Khan Mau to intercept Niels at the gala.”
“Why are they going to go after him there? Isn’t is risky, being so public?” They reached Qae’s cabin and she went straight over to the bed. There was a residual ache in every limb of her body, like she’d somehow strained all of her muscles at once.
“Less security than if they tried to get him in his home or at his offices. He won’t be expecting anyone to try anything at some fancy party he’s supposed to be giving a speech at.”
“Devious,” she murmured as she relaxed against the pillows.
“I thought you might like that.” He toed off his boots and climbed onto the bed next to her.
“What are you up to?” She eyed him warily.
“Making sure you stay in bed. Plus, I don’t have anything better to do right now. And I’m avoiding Rian.”
“You can’t stay angry at him forever.” She shifted into a more comfortable position.
“I’m mostly over it. Someone talked me down.”
“They must be a very clever person.” She set a hand on his chest, sliding it up slowly, unable to stop herself from touching him when he was this close.
“Yeah, just don’t tell her that. She’s already got me wrapped around her little finger.” He caught her hand and lifted it, pressing light kisses to the tips of her fingers.
“Sounds serious,” she murmured, mesmerized as his lips moved down her fingers to her hand and then her wrist.
“I think it is,” he returned, kissing the inside of her wrist and then leaning down toward her.
She stopped him with gentle pressure against his chest before he could kiss her. “What about your promise to my father?”
“I’m fairly certain that became null and void when you died right in front of me. And if it didn’t, then I don’t care anymore. You’re worth so such more than whatever hell I’ll have to pay later.”
Well, she sure as heck wasn’t going to argue with that. She slid her hand to the back of his neck and pulled him into her. He came willingly, closing his mouth over hers as he slid across to rest on top of her.
There was absolutely no doubt what they both needed, and Qae definitely seemed to be on the same page as he settled between her legs, his hips coming up against hers. He was already getting hard against her, and she wanted nothing more than to strip both of them off and relish in the simple pleasure of pressing naked together. But she couldn’t. He’d see her slave tattoos and if he wasn’t outright disgusted by them, he’d demand an explanation, and it wasn’t something she was ready to talk about. It was something she might never be able to talk about.
Her worries spun faster in her mind as he started unfastening the shirt she was wearing and a thought suddenly occurred to her—it wasn’t her shirt. Not the one she’d been wearing when they’d gone out to boost the Medulla. Someone had changed her. That meant someone knew—
She gasped and pushed him back to stare up at him.
“What’s wrong?” His expression creased with concern.
“Who changed my clothes?” She scooted back from him to sit up against the wall at the top of the bed.
Qae straightened so he was kneeling, staring at her calmly. “I did. Your other shirt got ruined. I ripped it open before I started CPR, thinking we were going to have to attach electrodes to your chest for the resus unit.”
She closed her hand around the bottom of the collar, cold apprehension flooding her. Oh god. He knew. But he hadn’t said anything. And he still wanted to sleep with her?
“You—” She cut herself off when she realized she had no idea what to say.
“I saw your tattoos,” he confirmed. His voice was so even and calm it was almost making her crazy. “But no one else did. I made sure of it.”
“But you didn’t say anything about them,” she whispered, feeling like everything was collapsing and reshaping around her. How could he be so unaffected?
“I figured if you wanted me to know about them, you would have told me. It’s not any of my business.”
She stared at him, absolutely no idea what she was supposed to do with this. Qaelan Forster wasn’t like any other person she’d ever met.
“But, don’t you want to know—” She couldn’t even finish saying that much. It’d all happened nearly fifteen years ago, and she still couldn’t talk about it.
“I have plenty of questions.” Now, anger edged into his expression, but she didn’t think it was directed at her. “And I have to admit, I nearly got on the comm to your father to demand just what the hell he’d done to you. But the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. I think you’ve had enough of that in your life.”
“My father?” she repeated in confusion. He must have assumed her father had— The thought made her feel sick. She supposed it wasn’t an unreasonable assumption to make, but it was completely wrong. “It’s not what you think. My father wasn’t responsible f
or this, he saved me from it. This is why he’s so protective of me.”
He cautiously reached out and took her hand. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. Just know it doesn’t change the way I feel about you.”
Oh god. Her heart melted into a puddle. If he’d said anything else, she would have been happy enough to end the conversation. But it was suddenly like she needed him to know the truth. She needed to tell someone else. Needed to get it out in a way she’d never felt before. She’d had a vague notion that if she tagged along with Rian and Qae to Lander and saw Alvar Galton in the flesh—the man responsible for killing her mother and handing her over to slavers to be sold—and saw that he was nothing more than a man, not the monster of her nightmares, then maybe she could finally start getting past it. Actually let it go properly instead of pretending it hadn’t happened like she’d done for the last fifteen years. But she understood she needed to be able to speak of it, to give it less power over her.
“I’ve never told anyone. My father is the only one who knows.”
He squeezed her fingers reassuringly, adding a half smile to the gesture. “Like I said, you don’t need to—”
“But I want to. I think I have to. Because it’s time I faced it. Him. The person responsible.”
Qae took a deep breath as if preparing himself. “Go on. But I can’t promise I won’t want to find whoever it is and fill them with ammo.”
She smiled, even though he was deadly serious. “Don’t think my father hasn’t tried on numerous occasions. He’s proven surprisingly hard to kill. The last few years, I think my father stopped trying. I think he has something important on my dad that he’s using as leverage.”
“Your father doesn’t have Rian Sherron for a cousin and regularly face down sociopathic shitebag aliens. If I want this guy dead, then believe me, he’ll get dead. Probably in the most painful way possible.”
She stared at him. This was the Captain Qaelan Forster of legend. The one who didn’t fear the IPC and spent years giving the authorities the middle finger while earning a reputation as a marauder other pirates shouldn’t think about messing with. He’d offhandedly said a lot of the stories about him weren’t true. But sitting there, he looked almost more formidable than her father. And that was saying something.
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