by A. C. Wilson
Lance took in a shallow breath, his chest feeling as if a heavy weight were about to crush it. His pockets hid his hands that were trembling at least. He was blaming Terrell for uprooting him. He had known it for some time, but hadn’t really voiced it. He didn’t know how to say it without feeling guilty. It left a horrible taste in his mouth and it made his soul burn.
“I felt like I was drifting after Terrell passed. I feel even more so with my injuries from the accident. I’m scared.” Lance felt the hot tears burning his eyes to escape. What had him telling this man all of his darkest secrets? Was it this place? Travis leaned his back against the bench, looking as if he were bracing for battle. It might have been funny if it had been any other time.
“Scared of what?” Travis asked at last. Lance lowered his head, hiding some of his anguish.
“I’m scared of not living. I’m scared of not being happy.” Travis offered a small smile, his brow furrowed.
“One is difficult and the other is rather simple.”
“Simple?” Lance asked, looking up and taking a breath. He hadn’t realized he had been holding it.
“Happiness is simple. You just have to make up your mind to be so. You’ll be your own worst enemy.” Travis sighed and got up from his seat. He rubbed his palms on his jeans as he moved closer. “As for living, well as much as you’ve been through, I imagine it will take some time to feel like you are living. The first step is opening doors and allowing people into your life. The most difficult thing to do is keep those doors open and stop looking for hidden meanings where there are none. Your brother would want you to be everything he cannot be. Love and spoil his daughter. Support and encourage the woman Terrell loved.” Travis looked out over the pasture, watching birds fly between the trees. “No one is judging you, Lance.”
“I think I can be happy here. I want to be happy here.” Lance said it with conviction, because he really wanted to believe there were reasons for everything.
“Good.” Travis patted him hard on the back. “You are family, son. Our blood or not, you have roots here. I’m confident that you’ll find your wings here as well.”
CHAPTER SIX
Days went by without much thought as to how they escaped his notice. It was amazing and terrifying all rolled into one. Andy had been attentive, bringing Harper and Regan to see him and after a couple of times, Lance looked forward to those girls. They were happy and full of life. Regan was crawling all over the place and she was even pulling herself up into a standing position. It won’t be long before she tries walking, Andy would say. Lance loved the look of pride and deep love in their mother’s eyes. Those girls were her whole world with her husband a close second, of course. Lance even envied their little family.
“Do you mind watching the girls tomorrow? I have to be at the gallery to set up the new media so we can open on the fourth.” Andy asked him as they sat in the park watching Harper run around with her friends and little Regan was propped up in her walker.
“I don’t have any plans. Maybe we can go for a drive and see a bit of the parks.” Lance hadn’t gotten out to do much touristy stuff. He wanted to drive the Wildlife Loop and see the Mammoth Site.
“I’ll leave their car seats with you then.” Andy handed Regan a graham cracker that the little girl immediately started gnawing on. It was a slippery, gooey mess in minutes. Lance made a face. He wasn’t acclimated to babies and toddlers yet. Their ingenuity amazed him. Chief tried to lick Regan’s chubby graham cracker covered fingers. Lance pulled on the leash to keep him from doing so.
“I feel like we have three babies here today.” Lance chuckled, refusing to cave to those puppy dog eyes Chief was giving him. Andy laughed.
“Don’t say that around Harper! She’ll never forgive you for calling her a baby, which she isn’t. I can’t believe how fast she’s grown up.” They watched Harper on the merry-go-round with two other girls.
“I know it.” Lance said, smiling at the group.
“Just seems like yesterday she was Regan’s size.”
“I wish I would have been around more for that. I missed a lot.” Lance felt like he had so much time to make up for and not just with Harper.
“Oh Lance, we were all doing the best we could do.” She sighed, leaning back against the bench they rested on. “Hindsight is twenty-twenty after all. I used to think that if I could reverse time knowing the information I know now I could change something…anything. The problem with that is some of the outcomes would change and I can’t imagine my life without Harper, Regan and Matt, especially Matt.”
Lance sat there, listening to Andy as she spilled her pent up worries. It was possible that she was more tortured than he was by the loss of his brother. It had left her in a precarious position, even with her parents and that was another story that made him angry to think about. Andy should never have had to forge ahead as a single parent alone. Yet again, anger and self-loathing sprang on him with a vengeance.
“I miss Terrell. I loved the idea of him, but the truth is, we didn’t get to explore what we could have been together. The world didn’t give us that chance. I have a beautiful reminder of a man that gave us a precious gift. I can’t be angry or even sad about that. My life would have been so much different if he hadn’t.”
“I know that I could have made a difference in your lives, Andy. I feel so guilty about taking so long to convince you that I wanted to help. I could have sent you money. I could have moved here to help you take care of Harper. You shouldn’t have been alone.” Lance gulped in a breath before sprinting on. His heart ached. “Terrell asked me to take care of you both and I failed him. How can I make up for that?” Andy shook her blonde head, tears brimming in her eyes. He hated that he was causing her pain when he couldn’t stifle his own.
“Stop!” She sliced her hand through the air. Her actions halting him from saying more. “You have got to stop blaming yourself for things you had no control over. I was scared after Terrell told me about your parents and how they should never know about Harper. I was afraid someone would take her from me and even though I could barely keep my head above water, I would have drowned without her.” Andy swiped at the tears leaking down her cheek. Chief whined, leaning against Lance’s leg. He patted the furry head absently. “Promise me that you’ll only look ahead now. Be a doting uncle because you want to be and not because Terrell asked you. Leave duty out of the equation and be here for love. That’s all you’ll ever get in return.” Lance could only nod, his throat tight with conflicting emotions. It would take time to get over his guilt. It was going to be a process and maybe feeling needed would smooth out those wrinkles. Speaking of the angel, Harper came running over with her hair half pulled out of her ponytail.
“Uncle Lance, will you push us?” She indicated the merry-go-round and her little friends all looking his way expectantly. He smiled and nodded. The girls giggled with glee as they hung onto the bent poles as the outside world whipped around as Lance pushed them. He couldn’t help but smile. It was impossible to not find some measureable joy in their innocence and zest for life.
“They won’t want you to stop.” Andy had Chief’s leash in one hand and pushed Regan’s stroller in the other. Regan clapped her hands as she watched the older girls.
“Their joy is catching.” He gave another spin and Harper laughed out loud.
“Don’t forget what this sounds like. It’s changed and shattered so easily as they grow up. Innocence is traded for safety and while it is necessary, it’s devastating to witness.”
“I saw a lot of that as a firefighter. The loss of a home and sometimes a family member is horrific. Children are traumatized by it and you feel so helpless to shift the adult lessons from their little lives.” Andy’s forehead wrinkled with empathy and pain. Her green eyes shifted back to the girls on the merry-go-round.
“I guess we don’t know when things will change. All we can do is safeguard them as best we can.”
“I suppose. I wish we could do a better jo
b of it. It’s a responsibility that isn’t taken seriously enough.”
“True.” She pressed her lips together and waved when Harper threw her hand up in the air. Regan was starting to fuss as she wanted to play with them too. “Well I better get the girls home for a nap, although Harper will fight me on that.” Lance stuck his hands out, slowing down ride so that the kids could get off. Of course that was far from what they wished to do.
“I want to stay with Uncle Lance!” Harper cried, big crocodile tears rolling down her cheeks when her mother told her it was time to leave. Lance felt helpless in the face of all those tears. Andy didn’t seem too bothered by it.
“Harper, it is time to go home. Regan needs her nap.” Andy picked up the discarded sippy cup that the baby had knocked to the ground. Lance wanted to intervene but he wasn’t sure it was his place. The hierarchy of such things was beyond his meager experience. Andy blew out a frustrated breath as Harper continued to cry and beg to stay.
“I could bring her home later, if that would work.” Lance offered, lifting his hands as he shared his solution.
“Surely you have things to do. If Harper has her way, you’ll be at the park all day.” Lance took that to mean the ball was in his court. He looked at Harper’s face, all puffy and red.
“Well I do have things I would like to do today.” Lance shrugged, looking at his niece who was starting to catch onto the conversation. Hopeful blue eyes watched the adults.
“See there! Uncle Lance is busy today, Harper. You girls will see him tomorrow.” Harper started to hiccup as the tears welled up again. Lance silently wondered if the little girl stored them up to be able to cry at will.
“I was on my way to see the mammoths. Hairy elephant cousins and all, you know.” He winked at Andy, who bit down on her lip to keep from laughing. This whole charade was deeply amusing.
“Mammoths?” Harper was driven to ask as her curiosity got the better of her.
“Yes. They were great beasts that wandered all over this land a long time ago.” Lance gave some theatrics to spur her curiosity higher. Andy lifted her eyes and shook her head, still with a smile on her face.
“Can I come too?” Harper asked, bouncing up and down. Lance chuckled.
“If it’s ok with your mom.” Lance looked at Andy, who was shaking her head. It was clear they had ganged up on her. Maybe he would be good at this uncle thing.
“Can I go, Mommy?” Harper begged, batting her lashes and clasping her hands together in prayer. The girl should really be put into acting classes. She was a natural.
Andy blew out a defeated breath. “Fine. Dinner is at five.” Lance nodded dutifully and the raised a hand for Harper to high five. Then they danced around enthusiastically. “You need a car seat.” Andy called to him. Making a face, Lance waved Harper to follow him as they retrieved her seat.
The Mammoth Site was an interesting showcase of fossils found during the Ice Age. Of course Harper could relate partially to the Ice Age as she recalled the animated movie. It was fun to see how a child catalogued the natural history with experiences she had already had. The introduction to the tour began with a short film about how the Black Hills region became the spot for various creatures. The sink holes became layered by mammoths as well as small animals that couldn’t get out once they were inside. Their bones fossilized and even in present day, archeologists were still excavating and cataloguing.
Then their tour guide took them inside the active dig site, which was essentially a huge room as the building was built over the top to protect the site. Harper’s eyes were huge as she looked out over the sheer size. The tour guide handed out a wireless headset so that each patron could hear without interruption as she narrated the history and facts. The exposed fossils were indicated by flags and numbers. Harper was fascinated and clung to the railing along the walkway.
Once the tour was over, Harper held his hand as they walked through the life-size replicas of the mammoths as well as a saber tooth tiger and a short faced bear. She pointed out how silly they looked. Lance noticed how she never turned her back on the mammoth though and made a point to reassure her that it wasn’t real or alive. She stared at him as if she were deciding on whether to believe him or not. The final trip through the gift shop was where Harper had the most fun, he thought. She chose a shirt for her and Regan. She also begged for a satchel of polished rocks and a large lollipop. Lance found that he wasn’t good at saying no to her and dutifully paid the bill.
“Did you have fun today?” Lance asked Harper as they walked to the car. She swung her sucker back and forth in the afternoon sunshine.
“Yes!” She skipped alongside him.
“What did you like the best?” Lance hoped to see what she had gleaned from the educational trip. She bounced as she waited for him to unlock the car door.
“Everything!” She grinned when he looked at her and he could only chuckle. What did he expect for a three-year-old, huh?
“Except the big mammoth?” Lance asked, helping her into her seat. He pulled the seatbelt out to buckle her in.
“I liked him, but he was big.” She began to pluck at the sucker’s wrapper.
“You would like him better if he were small?” Lance stared at the twisted sugar confection and then shrugged. She had been good inside and what harm could come from a sucker?
“Yes.” Harper agreed, mesmerized by the lollipop and that it would soon be all hers to consume. They pulled out of the parking lot and he drove them back to Andy’s house. He had survived the first day as a hands on uncle. He felt content for the first time in a while and it was a welcome feeling.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Andy eyed him with what he could only determine to be a mother’s pinpointing stare. Her green eyes made him want to squirm. He felt like a small child, waiting for whatever verdict the judge passed down in sentencing him for his crime.
“No more lollipops. Got it?” She turned her head, sizing him up and he gave into the squirm. Harper ran to his aid and clutched his big hand in her two smaller ones. “I had to cut it out of her hair last night after you brought her home.” She went to turn and thought of more she would like to say. “No gum either.” Lance looked down at his niece and his look must have given him away. Harper giggled and then covered her mouth as she drew her mother’s sharp, I’m serious gaze. Lance thought maybe Andy should have been in the military. She certainly had the look down.
“Sorry.” Lance cleared his throat and then slid his hand over Harper’s mouth. It didn’t smother even a tidbit of the laugh that followed, but Andy chose to ignore it. Regan was fussing from her car seat.
“Eager to start your day, huh? That’s my big girl.” Andy rubbed her nose against Regan’s and Lance felt his heart melt. He wished his own mother had been so adoring and nurturing. Again the feeling of loss drug his good mood down.
“Where are we going?” Harper asked, brilliant blue eyes watchful and happy.
“Well I thought about going to look for some animals.” Lance lifted his brows in mock excitement. Harper’s mouth went round as she thought about the impending adventure. “Then some lunch and possibly a nap.” Lance trailed off at the last, hoping his smart niece might miss the n word. She didn’t.
“No nap!” There was protest brewing and little Regan watched with rapt attention.
“Negotiations will happen at a later time.” Lance tried his best firefighter voice and it used to make others back off, but not this spit fire.
“No nap! No nap! No nap!” She hollered at him, stomping her little feet on his wood floor. Lance lifted his eyes to Andy, but it was her turn to be smothering a smile.
“Harper, listen, we all have to do things we don’t like to do.” He lowered himself to her level and grasped her hands. “Besides that, your little sister needs a nap. Maybe you could just pretend to be sleeping.” His voice was nothing above a whisper now and his niece was all serious as she listened to him.
“Pretend to sleep?” She asked, the suggestion t
aking root. Andy shook her head, but didn’t say anything.
“Yep.” He smiled, an answering smile pushing her cheeks up. An impish mischievousness filled her brilliant blue eyes.
“Ok.” She said, patting Lance’s cheek the way a grandmother would and then she looked up at Regan. “You have to take a nap and I have to pretend.” Little Regan just stared at her big sister as if the sun rose and set with whatever she was saying. It was rather sweet to see.
“Now, I am going to have to take my leave.” Andy handed Regan over after a kiss on the cheek and Harper reached up to give her mother a hug. “Call me if you need something.” Lance readjusted Regan on his hip that wasn’t scarred.
“Absolutely.” He smiled, wondering for a second just what he was getting himself into. He hadn’t babysat these two before, let alone a baby that could move if you put her down.
“You look worried.” Andy edged closer. “I can call my mother-in-law if you don’t think you can handle it.” She made a face. “That came out wrong. I don’t want to put added pressure on you. They can be a handful.”
“I know what you mean.” He thought about it for a second and took a deep breath. This was family and he wanted to be a part of it. Heck, this might even be as close as he would get to having his own children. “I can do it.”
“Ok. Girls, have a good time and be nice to Uncle Lance. Harper, help with your sister.” Harper bobbed her head and Lance chuckled.
“We will see you later.” Lance waved little Regan’s arm at her mother and Andy smiled.
“I’m going.” She left with a final wave and closed the door. Lance looked at the girls, one in his arms and the other staring up at him. The silence spread as he accepted that now he was in charge of two precious girls or quite possibly, they were in charge of him.