Ugly, Perfect

by Melanie Walker

  I can hear him shifting and I know he is uncomfortable, but I don't care. He deserves to be on the spot right now and I hope like hell it burns. "Emjay, at first it was playful and I didn't think anything that happened would. I fell in love with you, that was real. It's fucked it all up, but I do love you."

  He is begging me with his tone to believe him.

  I don't. I don't think I ever will.

  "Okay. Divorce her and move to Colorado." I say, and it isn't fair. I know that the divorce would be the easy part compared to his MC. I shake my head at my own thoughts. I know damn well he will never leave Indiana. What he says though, cuts me down to the core of everything I thought I was in his eyes.

  "I won't get divorced. I have no intention of leaving her and even if I did I would never leave my hometown." He doesn’t pause as he speaks. He doesn’t hesitate or fear that he might be hurting me more. No, he was blunt in his approach and it shredded me.

  "Then we have nothing left to say." I say, as finality went I just gave him it.

  "Mallory, we need to talk… "

  "For what? You don't want me, I am the disposable one. Not enough. I will live and be fine without you. I don't have the guilt to keep me cold and up all night, only you baby."

  "Emjay, you're pissed I get it."

  "Pissed? I am flayed wide open Dante! You’ve destroyed me and told me I am not worth a risk all at once."

  "That isn't fair- "

  "And this is? Fuck fair and fuck you!" I say and I don't wait on him to hang up because I did. I took my phone to the kitchen and placed it on my charger, unable to think anymore tonight. I reached for a glass of wine and a shot of Jameson before popping two melatonin. I couldn’t sleep in my bed, it smelled like him and every memory of late night talks were in that room. I curled up on my couch and cried.

  I cried for the betrayal. I cried for the hope I lost. I cried because I loved him, so much. I cried because I meant so little, to him, to Kendal. Love had failed me time and time again. I never focused on a fault someone had, but what qualities made them loveable to me. It destroyed me often in life, but nothing hurt like this wound.

  No, a part of me was finally broken. Kendall had tried to break me with his cheating, but this was a whole new level of cheating.

  I'm not a dirtbag like your ex.

  More tears fell and I wanted to be angry and rage, but the fool I am felt such sadness for him and what he must have gone through in the three days apart to actually tell me. Was it guilt? Or fear and sadness? Was he missing me, or was he so happy to be home that he needed me to stop bugging him so he could forget we ever happened? I would go from sorrow to anger to sadness for us both.

  It was in that restless night's sleep that I realized I was completely in love with Dante. I had so much concern for his heartache, which made me hate him. I shouldn’t care how he feels, he destroyed me… but the thought he might be destroyed over it all too, didn't make me feel better. I hated him…

  Fuck!

  You cannot truly hate, without loving first. A lesson I have now learned twice in life and love.

  I felt the burn of the needle and relaxed, letting Jay do his thing and put ink to skin. I had called Alex and asked him to tag along with me for this monumental moment. I knew both Alex and Jay from school. Alex was my current professors TA as well as my gay best friend. Jay was an art major who was in my philosophy study group. I woke up this morning determined to make a drastic change and do something that I wanted.

  I called Jay and he was more than happy to tattoo me. After three nights of serious tears I called on my closest guy friends to tell me what I needed to hear.

  "Biker Dante is a scum bag babe. I am sorry, but he knew damn well what he risked the minute he knew you were attractive." Al said and played with the various shades of ink in the cabinet, making Jay want to scream.

  "I gotta agree with handsy here." Jay stated as he yanked another bottle of ink from Al.

  I just roll my eyes and continue to stare at the ceiling, unable to explain the pain in my chest. It took root with that fucking text message and hasn’t left. He hadn't reached out, when I hung up on him he didn't try to call me or text me. As efficiently as I let him go, he equally allowed me to do so with no fight.

  And how fucked up is that? I wanted him to fight for me. Why? I had no idea, there was nothing to win or gain. I wouldn’t stay in his life anymore than he wanted to be in it. It was all horseshit and no matter how you covered it or tried to pretend it was something else, horseshit is just that.

  "No, he wasn't like that Al. He may have given me some fake version of himself, but I don't think he did." I had questioned it myself, if it was fake. It wasn't, there was no way it could have been. We were too personal, the things we talked about were too real.

  "Well, heart hurt or not baby doll he is gone and you need to be glad." I nod, knowing Al is right but I can't forget. I would give anything to forget. I know his eyes when he comes, I know his voice when he tells me to watch him. I know too much now and it makes it impossible.

  I see the green light on my phone light up as if summoned… by the demons in hell no less. This isn't the work of the Almighty. No, God wouldn’t bring him back for round three would he? I didn't know the answer and I didn't care. That green light was blinding me and did so all day as I left the tattoo shop six hours later and with Al getting a tattoo that said life is pain. I found it annoyingly glum, but Al had his own demons so it wasn't for me to judge.

  We went to Sludge, a sandwich shop in downtown Boulder and there I vented more…told Al things that I hadn't spoke to anyone. I have kept Dante secluded in my perfect bubble where nobody could comment or judge us. I hadn't wanted to answer questions about why his ex was such a big part of the picture, or how we were gonna survive a nineteen-hundred mile distance. Maybe it was because I always knew there was more to his story, maybe it was because I didn't want the truth. Either way I told Al everything over lunch.

  "Jesus Christ Mal…really? You couldn’t possibly think he gave you the whole truth." He doesn’t say it with judgment, but I feel judged all the same.

  "Alex, if I wanted to feel like shit I would call Kendall!" I go to stand but he takes my wrist. I pull back as if he burned me.

  "Knock it off and sit down. You can't be a spoiled brat when I call you on what you already know!"

  I sit, but not without giving him my worst glare. "Well?" I ask, now sitting and he says nothing.

  "Well what Mal? You really gonna tell me you're that dumb?" He picks at the pickle still sitting on the tray of our finished food.

  I shake my head no, but say nothing to confirm or deny, just the truth. "If I say yes, then I am a home wrecking whore. If I say no, I am the biggest fucking idiot of all. Either way I lost so it shouldn’t matter." I lean back and sigh. "I never knew this was what he was hiding. I thought it was an MC thing. I lived happily in that bubble. I honestly thought the drama with the ex was because of Nick. I never saw him as the type to lie so extravagantly. He was too honest, too pure."

  "Oh baby girl, you're not the first girl to be put in this predicament and he ain't the first guy. Just is what it is. "

  I feel my tears before they fall and I hate this weakness.

  "I love him Al…"

  "I know it. I don't think you'd let things get this fucked up if you didn't." He stands and hugs me. "You won't move on. Love doesn’t work like that. You'll get closure and acceptance and you'll grow. With growth comes change. You cannot love without hate, and you cannot hate without love. It is in those two profound emotions that you'll find peace."

  Those are my words on a thousand page essay on the philosophy of the word hate. I got an A and the paper was published in the school paper, because hate, for me stems from love.

  "Are you quoting me now?" I ask and dry my eyes.

  "If it means you'll believe your own words? Then yes, I am."

  By the time I got home I am crawling in my skin knowing D has messaged me. I poor myself a
cold beer and have a smoke. I wait until I feel like I can handle whatever he has to say, unprepared to see it's an email not a message. My heart, that fucking pain in my chest tells me that this is his way of goodbye. Cowards way over an email instead of telling me at the very least over the phone.

  Emjay,

  Where to begin luv. Maybe it's that I can't stand knowing I hurt you, maybe it's that I can't stand knowing what I am capable of. Regardless, I can't let this go with a fuck you. I can't say goodbye to you. I can't do it. Goodbye is so final and official and I can't say that this is final. Everything comes back to you. You are love to me, not her. I love her yes, but it was never what I have with you. I swear that even if you don't believe me, and I am sure you don't.

  I don't know how to move forward. There isn't a way to go on, but forward yes. I don't know how, because I miss my best friend. I never had a best friend as a woman before. I have had friends, but not ones that I shared what I share with you. It makes it all that much worse too, because in a different position, I would call and ask you what to do? How do I love one that gave me my sweet daughter Rayen, that shares the love of the road as strongly as I do or shares a place in my club? How do I explain the love for you? It is so powerful and real? How do I say she's never been on a bike until me, she doesn’t understand the powerful pull of the club and has no ties to me other than my heart connected to hers?

  Tell me how Emjay, tell me what to do, because goodbye will never be it.

  I can't…can't tell you how deep I hurt and I know it must be the same for you-

  I stop and exit from my email unable to read more. Oh, God I think I really hate him. Before I think better of it I dial his number and am totally shocked he would answer on the first ring. "What the fuck was that email? You have a child too? It's like it gets worse! You have so much nerve to ask me for advice on your poor heart! Mine is mangled Dante, fucking ruined and you feel bad because what? You love us both? You're heartless!"

  The sound of his voice, destroys a fragile part of me. "I love my daughter, she is what pulls me here. Jess is a part of this life, not my heart. What can I do Emjay? I am fucking torn up."

  The sound of his sadness hurts me, I don't want him to hurt and it confuses me because he did this to us both! "You say goodbye D…" I all but whisper knowing the truth of it will kill me, but I can't live a lie. I want to, I want to pretend I don't know the truth and that we are just a long distance relationship that's struggling.

  "I won't though luv. I won't say goodbye. That's a finality that I can't give you. Goodbye is forever and I can't say we aren't forever."

  I want to scream and wail and curl in a ball and cry, knowing full well I can't. I can't ever. "Say it… please?" I beg, my voice just a whisper. It's like he knows it will kill me, but stabs me anyway.

  "I won't Emjay. I won't say goodbye."

  "You're being mean Dante. I deserve more than this and you know it. You say you can't say it because you don't believe it… that's as bad as stringing me along. I deserve a goodbye dammit! I deserve to believe it's over. I didn't know you had a child. I didn't know any of this and I wish I didn't. Now there is no hope. None. There is no choice other than your daughter, so fucking say goodbye to me." His refusal to say such a simple basic farewell was sending me over the edge. When he refused again I hung up the phone and fell back against the wall sliding to the ground in defeat.

  It was after eleven that night when I saw my phone light up a message from him. I was never going to change that green light so I would always be prepared for his shit. I was raw and numb, there wasn't another way he could hurt me. I had sealed my heart inside of myself so tight, I doubted anyone could touch it now.

  D: I will never love anyone like I love you Emjay.

  D: I will NEVER get over this.

  D: I will always think of you.

  They just kept coming through, as I read them more would pop on the screen.

  D: I will never forget you.

  D:I am so sorry I have hurt you.

  D: I am sorry I broke your heart.

  D: Your trust.

  D: Your faith.

  D: This is me doing the right thing and giving you what you need.

  D: I fucking love you Mallory Wayne.

  D: That will never change.

  D: I can't forget you and I won't.

  D: Fuck! I love you!

  D: So much…

  D: I will never love anyone like I do you.

  D: I will never get over this…

  D: Goodbye luv.

  There was no noise, no alerts to a message, or background TV noise. It was silent, yet that goodbye was the loudest sound I would ever hear.

  With a broken heart and even more broken spirit, I accepted it and hoped I would one day move on even though I knew he would never really allow it.

  Chapter Nine

  Present Day

  Seattle WA

  I sat across from Kyra and Alex at our favorite restaurant. Kyra was in town for a week for her brothers Graduation. She moved to Indiana two years ago after Nick and she decided the distance was impossible. And now we were a few small weeks from their wedding. She was as close to D as I always wished I was. And now she would always find relation to him.

  "So he's helping write it?" She asks and sips from her iced tea. She has been through this with me since the first moment I met D. She is his daughters soon-to-be-aunt and spends time in his world, one I have never seen.

  I nod and look to Alex, who by all accounts will call me crazy for writing this.

  "He has added some of his version to the night we broke up. He told me I needed to know how he saw it." I drink from my water and shake my head looking at them both. They are on guard unsure how to feel about it all. I get their concern, they know everything I have been through. "I was mad as hell too."

  "Why?" Alex asks and sits back as our server arrives with our orders.

  "He knew Kendal was in Colorado, the entire time I lived there, he knew." I stab into my pasta and wait for them to gasp, but upon looking up at them all I see is confusion.

  "Mal, honey you knew he was there. Everyone knows he was there." Alex says and looks at me with sadness. I know why he does. He blames himself for reasons that are not fair.

  "I had suspicions he was watching me. I didn't know Kendal lived in Colorado until after everything went down. D knew he was there the entire time."

  "Well no offense sweetie, but I think its chivalrous that he wanted to help keep you safe." Alex said and picked through his chicken lettuce wrap thing.

  I set my fork down and looked at him. "He knew I was unsafe and left me!" I look at Al and Kyra both, and still no reaction. " He didn't tell me I was unsafe. He left." I look again for shock but they give me none.

  "The appropriate response is 'what the fuck." I say and pin them both with my glare. "Proceed with that."

  "Mal, he left with people looking out for you."Alex replied, now sitting back with his arms folded.

  "You hated him forever. What's the deal?" I mimic him and fold my arms, noticing that Kyra is too quiet. "What's your deal? Why haven't you given an opinion here?"

  "I think you are being unfair."

  What the hell? Was she serious? "Um, this is Dante we are talking about. Remember him? Giant in a leather vest with long hair and bandanas? You have never been on his side since the minute he told me he was married. Why, now, when I learn that he knew I was being stalked by Ken, are now sitting here telling me I am unfair?"

  "Because, in this there is no more secrets Mal. He doesn’t care who knows he is D. He doesn’t care who knows he was married. He is completely ok with everything being brought to light. And there is a lot that needs light shed on it."

  She was my best friend and had always been on my side, but now that she had some insight into his life since moving to Indiana with Nick, it was more and more of the same with her. The bottom line was, if D was such a stand up guy, he wouldn’t keep me at a distance anymore. We had nothing st
opping us now. He is broken and damaged and I get it, his world imploded and now he just tries to carve out happiness. I am broken and damaged because I believed Kendal and the psychopath almost killed me.

  D was there for me through it and I failed him when he needed me in return.

  That was why we would always be whatever it is that we are.

  "When did you stop being on my side?" I ask having given up on my pasta.

  "I am on your side, I just think that you could use shutting up sometimes so you can hear what he is trying to tell you." Kyra pushes her plate away now too.

  "What's he trying to tell me Kyra? He's your best fuckin friend now, so do share." I couldn’t explain why I was feeling jealous, but it was like she had jumped ship. I hated that she had a part of him I always thought was mine.

  "You are his best friend Mallory. I know you don't get that, but you are. He trusts you more than anyone. The fact I see more now, and hear more and his side is a lot more than what you think you know. You want to write this book and this one will be your best, but you need to stop being a brat and ask him to tell you his side."

  I wanted to know what she was talking about, but refused to hear anything from her. If he had something to say to me, he was the only person I wanted to hear it from. "I'll remember that the next time he gives me more than the vague bullshit he does every day. I have asked him to help me and I get simple basic answers."

  I stand and drop money on the table. Alex looking between Kyra and I like he might cry. "Mal, don't leave…" He says and reaches for my hand, but I pulled away.

  "I'm fine, you guys enjoy your lunch." I look at Kyra, the feeling of betrayal overwhelming and I can't process it. I don't know if I am being unfair or if I have the right to be hurt. "Tell Dante I say hi."

  I leave, even when Kyra calls my name.

  I am trying to be rational right now and it's impossible because everything about me is emotional at the moment. I get in my car before I feel tears and I scream and want so bad to scream at him. Why is it that my best friend gets to be in his life, gets the inside edge that I have wanted for eight fucking years?