I wasn't missing her wedding and D wasn't either so we had to put our best foot forward. He kept telling me it was fine and he didn't give a shit. I wanted to believe them both and I was in it regardless now so I had no choice but to follow their lead.
Plus side was the fact that I was going to see his world for the first time. He seemed excited to see me, but he was a master of hiding his feelings too. He told me this morning that he would meet me at our hotel for dinner tonight. I felt like I was meeting him for the first time. I hadn't seen him in since our failed attempt at rekindling last spring and it was awful how that ended.
I was scared that our spark would be dead and that the pain and frustration and hidden meanings over a thousand conversations the last three years were for nothing.
The time was now though as the seatbelt sign came on. I looked at Al for reassurance and he rolled his eyes knowing what I was thinking.
"Oh my God you are so high maintenance today. He will love you, Mal stop freaking out."
I flinch at his tone. "I hate you."
I sit back and fasten the seatbelt and fold my arms. "Mal, he has a part of you. All your good, bad, ugly and sad. Dante has a part that Kendal never knew existed and hated you for. That sort of cosmic exchange is once in a lifetime. Have faith in that." He kisses me on the cheek. "And you don't hate me, you love me because I will pander to the brat inside of you, before I check the little bitch at the door."
"I know." I say and kiss him on the cheek. I sit for the ten minutes it takes to call our row for exiting the plane, fidgeting with the long cross chain I am wearing. "I can't wait to hug Kyra."
He looks at me. "You saw her like three weeks ago Mal."
"I know, but it was ugly and we haven't really talked about it since."
He gives me a mischievous smile and winks. "Yeah I don't think she cares babe."
I follow him off the plane with my carryon bag and we make our way to baggage claim where Kyra will be meeting us, but as we come through the gate we don't see them.
Then I see him… D is standing where we were meeting Kyra. Black T-shirt, hands in the pocket of his faded jeans and those boots that remind me he is as sinister as he is sweet. His cutt is missing and it is the first time I have ever seen him without it. Everything inside of me breaks when he smiles at me.
I drop my bags and run to him.
Never thought I would be this girl. The one who cries in an airport when she sees the man of her dreams waiting for her.
I never thought he would be that guy, who let it all go and came for me.
I see his arms open to me and I feel them come around me for the first time in forever. It is sensory overload as images of he and I together flash through my mind. I catch the scent of his hair, the feel of his whiskers on my neck or the way his hand always makes its way just under my shirt to feel the small of my back.
And this is home to me.
No matter where I am in the world, this is my home.
"I missed you Emjay." He says and I nod.
"You're here." I say and capture his face in my hands to see his eyes, he does the same needing to see mine.
"Duh luv. No way I wasn't gonna be a bad ass and show up looking ruggedly handsome so I could sweep you off your feet."
I laugh and relish in the spark. It never died, it never could. "Very rugged, D."
"Well, it comes natural for me." He says and winks and I melt.
He holds my arms out to my sides so he can take in my changes. I had a few tattoos when he saw me last, but now both my shoulders were covered, and my back… a few on my arms. My hair was longer too, down to the middle of my back and layered.
I hated how badly I needed his approval.
"Still beautiful Emjay." He says and pulls me back in for a hug. "These tattoos though, my God luv."
I look up at him with a smile. "Good 'My God'? Or bad?"
"Very good. You look the right kind of nasty."
I laugh at that, not sure how to take it but knowing somehow he thinks nasty is good and I am reminded of Alex's comments on the plane and blush.
"Is there a right kind of nasty?" I ask and pull his arms out to look at him.
He laughs and nods, keeping his eyes on me. "Fuck yes there is, and you're it."
I laugh and take in the sight of the only man I truly ever fell for. "You look the same." I say with a blasé tone and he laughs.
"Thanks, it took forever to put this outfit together." I laugh at his sarcasm and fall in love with us even more.
"You really do look the same, but better. The right kind of yum."
"The right kind of yum?" He laughs and shakes his head, taking my hand as we make our way to the baggage claim.
"Yep, and you're it." I mimic his words from before and he smiles.
"Well, eat it up luv." I look around for Alex and see Kyra and Nick with him, waiting on us. I scream and look to D, not wanting to leave him but dying to hug my best friend. "Go." He says and smacks my ass as I take off.
Alex follows her as the three of us hug and laugh and turn into teenage girls for all of five minutes. These people are my foundation and the core of me. I wouldn’t be who I am without them. I hug Kyra close as Alex shakes D's hand. "I am so sorry Kyra."
"I know Mal and there is no need. I begged him to tell you because I hated knowing."
I nod and all is forgiven between us. I hug Nick and we make small talk until I see our bags. D took mine, not letting me carry it and Al groaned.
"Mal, be chivalrous and carry mine."
I laugh and roll my eyes.
"I'm not your bitch this weekend." I say and Kyra laughs.
"She's my bitch this weekend sweet cheeks." D says and I am laughing at Al's face. By the time we made it out of the airport and to Kyra's Escalade, Nick, Kyra and I were carrying Al's bags, because he was our diva and we loved him regardless.
Chapter Sixteen
Chicago IL
January 2015
Me: It's been weeks. I am in Chicago and hoped you would be talking to me by now.
It was my last day in the windy city after meeting with my new publisher at Covington Press. I had been texting, emailing and calling D for two weeks now and he wasn't responding to anything. Just before Christmas we had talked all that night when he reached out with that text. The following day I had told him about this trip and he seemed to be fine with it.
But that was D. He was a master of being two different people. I had the ability to bring out the best and worst in him. He told me he wanted to take me to Navy Pier. Told me there was a Ferris wheel and little shops very much like my Pikes Pier.
The day after that talk, he wrecked his tractor-trailer and flipped out.
On me.
On the other driver.
D hated the world right now and if I knew anything about him, it was don't push.
All I do is push him and I pay for it today as I walk along the Navy Pier alone and freezing. I paid the fifteen dollar charge and stepped inside, detached and sad as the Centennial Ferris Wheel took its ride. I missed him and hated myself for coming here without him.
I walked in the little shops bought a few things for Kyra and Alex and I felt a good hard cry coming on, but refused to give him it. He didn't deserve it. I had always believed I was the one person who he wouldn’t hurt on purpose. I loathed and loved him equally and the side that loved him was worried sick about his darkness.
I was a master of the dark, I wore my darkness like a badge of honor. I earned my hate and sadness, I cut myself on my sharp edges and was fine with bleeding after.
I never wanted that type of life for anyone I loved, most of all Dante.
My phone rang and I see Kyra's bubbly face light up my screen and dry my tears and take a deep breath before answering. "Hey lady!"
"We miss you, come home!" She and Al both yelled into the phone and I laughed as more tears fell.
"Oh, fuck I wish I was. One more day." I say and pay for the Argon oil I bought at a sm
all cart selling organic oils. I thank the clerk and make my way toward my hotel.
"He didn't show?" Kyra asks me and I shake my head no, even though they can't see me.
"No, but I am so okay." I say and straighten my shoulders, fighting more tears with every step.
"Then it's a good thing we got you a flight that leaves in three hours." Kyra says, and there are no words to describe how much I love them right now.
"Really?" I ask and sobs break through, both of them falling silent as I cry. I stayed at a hotel close to the Pier knowing I would only have a few hours today to see it. I hated looking out the window seeing that Ferris wheel, but now? I was thankful I was close.
I break down in the elevator and tell them that I went alone.
"Hun why go alone? I know you love proving how strong you are, but that's almost masochistic." Alex asks and Kyra pipes in. "Seriously Mal, why? Fuck him for knowing you were there, that you were willing to put the past behind you and see him and he dodges you out."
"Yeah, I was on his side when you told me he left the wife, but now he loses the gay vote."
"Oh whatever, you give and take the gay vote way too freely." Kyra says and I am content to listen to their banter, but all too soon they ask what I knew was coming.
"You're done now right? You’ve been destroyed enough Mal." This is Al, not Kyra who is quiet now, waiting on my answer.
"I want to be, I really do." I say and look out the window as the lights come on the Centennial and seeing those lights and the romantic ambience of it all, something cold and ugly takes root in my heart for D.
"Come home baby." Kyra says … and I do. I go home and leave him, my heart and all the love I had for him there.
I don't want it anymore.
Chapter Seventeen
Schererville, IN
Present day
"Mal, Dante is here." Alex yells from the other side of our suite.
"I'm in here I am just saving what I wrote." I yell and look up, completely dumbfounded by the man in front of me.
Dressed in dark jeans and a white button down shirt, of course the sleeves are rolled up, some things can never change. His hair was down and two things were clear. One, he was still the ideal of every man I stacked against him.
And the second thing, was I was seriously under dressed.
"I thought we were staying here, grabbing something from the café down stairs?" I ask and look at my holy blue jeans and red tank top with my black chucks.
"Wear what you want, we're just gonna go play on the Pier." He says and it's too close to home, considering I just wrote about the pier and the part of me that still hated him. "What?" He asks I know I must look dazed.
"Nothing. Just let me put on a different shirt and shoes, give me five minutes." I run to the other side of the suite and start going through all the shit I brought looking for anything that looks classy. But without effort. Where the fuck is my gay best friend?
"Hey Al! Come here please." I yell and hear him and D both laugh before he comes in to save me. "Help! He looks perfect and I look like shit!"
He eyes me standing there in my bra, jeans and bare feet and laughs. "You are delusional baby. I am pretty sure every guy wants their date to look like you do right now."
I laugh and toss my black leather and sheer vest to him. "It's not a date first of all, and second he has seen my tits so the suspense is dead."
"Yes wear this, with the Jimmy Choo gold python points I got you for Christmas." I zip the vest and slip into the heels I never wear because the cost my monthly house payment.
"How do I look?" I ask and stand back.
"Fierce as fuck princess!" He says and smacks my ass.
I make my way out to D, but Alex stops me before I get to the door. "Hey, whatever happens tonight have fun okay?" He is worried for me and my fragile heart and I love him dearly for it.
"I have no false hope here Al. I know him, better than he knows himself. I don't toy with the idea he will ever chose me. He is D and my best friend who I happen to be in love with." Even I know how ridiculous I sound but he makes no comment on my hypocrisy.
I just hope that I won't have to pay the piper more pieces of my heart after tonight.
***
We walked the entire Pier, ate cotton candy and talked. I listened a lot, my nerves and thoughts keeping me from feeling anything. I had my guard up and it’s a joke when D is concerned.
We stood in line for the Ferris wheel and my heart is in my throat as I remember being here alone and missing him. As I look around the gondola, this one is much fancier, than the one I rode alone. "Wait, the bottom is glass?" D asks and looks like he might puke.
I laugh at this… hysterically.
When the attendant tells him that yes, we will have a 360 degree view I swear to God, he could have cried. As I spent the night reminiscing on the heartache, I was sick on this fucking Ferris will for different reasons.
"You didn't know it was see through?" I ask, still laughing as he sits beside me on one of the plush benches lining the inside.
"I got the premium wheel experience." He says and closes his eyes as the gondola rocks, having stopped to board more people. "Glad you're enjoying this though." He says and groans as I stand in front of him, my legs between his so my feet block the view below.
"Look at me big guy." I say and he looks up, as I look down. I had my guard up all night, but here and now seeing my giant vulnerable, shook me to the core. "Just look at me."
His arms come around my hips and we spend the ride making small talk and watching each other instead of the lights from above.
He was off that gondola like his ass was on fire and I found him out at the line entrance by the gate, running his fingers through his hair and I tried to hide the laughter bubbling up inside of me.
"That was the best fifteen minutes of my life." I say and laugh as he shakes his head no.
"That was the longest fifteen of mine." At least he laughs as we head to watch the water from the Pier. "I'm glad you enjoyed that. I was getting a complex with how quiet you’ve been on me."
I nod and look at him as the breeze blows gently from behind me and a few strands of my hair stick to my lips and I am reminded of the night we met. And he recaptures that memory, setting in another one as he pulls the hair from my lips.
He didn't kiss me that night and I have the same anxiety eight years later that the moment will pass again.
"Emjay…" He sounds like I feel and I wish he would just decide already because I can see him fighting it. "I'm gonna be sick…" He turns with just enough time to retch over the side of the pier.
I step back and laugh my ass off because puking off a pier is more realistic to who we are than any kiss could have been. I step behind him and hold his hair back, lightly running my nails on his back. I am being a sweet and thoughtful friend and laughing to the point of tears.
He stands upright again and looks at me. "You suck." He says and I laugh harder and follow him as he searches out a restroom. I compose myself while he is inside and have stopped laughing once he comes out.
"Gum?" I ask and offer him a piece.
He laughs and takes the gum. "Don't mind if I do."
He takes the gum and tosses the wrapper and I chuckle shaking my head. "You'd do anything to keep me guessing."
We walked in a comfortable silence, stepping up to watch a few street performers and look in a couple of shops when I see the same stand selling organic essential oils. I can't hide the emotions on my face as memories flood me.
"Okay." D says and grabs me by the elbow. "What's going on Emjay? You have been quiet, almost solemn all night."
I look up at him and my heart aches at seeing the worry in his intense eyes. I knew he would find out soon why I hated the pier, but to tell him now after he suffered through the Ferris wheel for me… I couldn’t.
"Just always wanted to come here with you. I think maybe my emotional side is waging a war with my rational side." I give him my best
smile, and he is watching me so close I am scared he will know I am lying. It's not a total lie, I am trying to be rational and tell myself that two years ago he and I were in a rough place in both our lives. The emotional side told me to lighten the fuck up and have fun.
"I thought you told rationality and logic to go fuck themselves years ago."
I laugh at the memory of us on the beach all those years ago. "What can I say? I'm a creature of habit."
He laughs and tugs me along as we continue to stroll the pier toward the parking lot. "I figured you were nervous about tomorrow." He says, pausing to place a hand in front of me as a few kids on skateboards whipped by us.
"The wedding?" I ask and try to sound as nonchalant as I can. Inside It was like a repeat of Awkward! Awkward! Awkward!
I hadn't been freaking out about it all night until he reminded me of it all. No I was saving that anxiety attack for when I was trying to sleep later tonight. "No way, I'm excited for Kyra and Nick."
He nods. "I meant knowing Jess and Rayen will be there."
For someone who I normally have to badger to talk, he sure is a chatty Cathy tonight. "Jess will be an uncomfortable experience in general. Knowledge isn't always power, and I know too much. Rayen though, I am kind pumped to meet the lil' Kole."
"Jess isn't a bad person and she is close with Nick so she wouldn’t fuck with anything or anyone regardless if she had a reason or not." I nod and try to process everything he is saying, when he stops. "Emjay look at me."
I do, and he says nothing before pulling me in for a hug and rubs my back. "You don't have anything to worry about luv. Jess doesn’t know you ever existed outside of Kyra's friend from Friday Harbor. You did nothing wrong luv."
I laugh at that and pull back. "Are you nuts? I'm the other woman Dante!"
"No, Mallory. I am perfectly sane. You slept with a guy you loved, fully unaware I was married. That doesn’t make you a home wrecker."
"And what about when you came to see me after Ken…" I don't say it, because he knows it. White hot hate flashes in his perfect eyes at the mention of it.
"That was not even close to being about sex. That was me trying my hardest to keep you strong." He still thinks he failed me, I don't know any other way to tell him he saved me than to keep living and being as obnoxious as possible where he is concerned. I place my hand at his neck so he will look at me.
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