There is a lot she kept out of this story in some misguided attempt to protect me from the general opinion of the readers and fear you would all hate me. It's possible you do, but I don't care. I don't. After everything I have suffered in the eight almost nine years since meeting Emjay, I find it hard to give my fucks away so easily.
So, in trying to make my woman happy and at the very least please her readers I will tell you a few things you didn't know.
Jess was a one night stand that I met t nineteen, married at twenty-one and finally divorced at almost thirty-one. That's almost ten years, and that's almost ten years too many. Up until the day I learned of her multiple affairs, I didn't care for her or love her like she deserved Looking back now, I am glad I didn't because she didn't deserve my love and I didn't deserve hers.
Once I knew it was over, that I fucked myself in picking the wrong girl… well at times I wanted Jess back. It is a lot of why I distanced myself from Emjay. Maybe I knew it was bullshit and was too jaded to see it, maybe in some twisted fuck all way I actually missed Jess and wanted her.
I see now, that I was just epically fucked in the head back then.
After losing my bike, home, friends and finally my club… I was too broken to see any light at the end of the long-ass tunnel I was traveling through. Too many nights I sat with a gun in my hand and contemplating the overall outcome of one bullet to my head. It was the worst time of my life and the thought of Emjay seeing that, seeing me shattered was something I refused to allow.
She protects me too much in this book. You all should know that as she was on the Centennial thinking of me while she was in Chicago. I was busy writing suicide letters, fucking whores, fighting my brothers from the club and losing the respect of everyone I once cared about.
Not once does she share this with you… and I gotta admit I love that loyalty.
She doesn’t share the promises I made once the fog started to clear. She doesn’t tell you how I swore I loved her, always had. That there were times I admitted to the elusive soul mate question, that I said yes I knew we were. She never tells you how she begged me endlessly for months to see her when she was in Chicago. How I refused to see her every time.
She doesn’t talk about the pain I caused her for months on and off over the last year. I toyed with her affection for me, I used it and manipulated it so that I would know I wasn't dead. I could still feel that everything ugly that happened didn't break me.
She never tells you how she brought me back from the brink of suicide. How her loved saved me every time. She has yet to ever demand an apology from me for tearing her apart for a good eight months last year. You all know the pain I caused these eight years, but how I hurt her last year is the very reason she fought me at every turn once I opened my eyes.
I know the exact moment that she skips it and dives to the facts, never seeing that her pain and her loss were a huge part of the healing.
So maybe I will tell it one day.
Maybe I can get a knack for this writing thing and tell you all about the real Emjay. Not our past and how we arrived to the end of this 'Thesis'. But, tell you about her. How I fell for her and why is in every word she speaks. Perhaps I can show you how hard I laugh with her. How truly crazy she is. It isn't a name I call her, it is her. She is Crazy and I love it.
A year from now could easily land us in different lives again. We seem damned to never get it easy. We have to fight to be together, we always have. And only a crazy woman would take all our bullshit, polish it and slap a pretty cover on it and tell the world.
In the way she shared all the best of me and all the worst, she failed in showing the real Emjay. The true darkness Ken delivered to her most of her life. His bullshit was ever present, even in grade school.
She never tells you how strong she is, how hard it was at times to keep fighting. Do not ever call her weak unless you can fit in her shoes, lace those bitches up and hike the terrain she has. You will fail if you try. Hard work and the struggle to rise above adversity should be recognized not judged.
Emjay is one of the strongest women I know. She has an enormous heart and can see the light inside of anyone regardless of how dark they are.
Like me and my evil biker ways…
Like Ken and his nuttless existence.
Maybe one day I will tell the truth of that night… you know? The one where Ken lost the ability to make threats, let alone follow through on them. Maybe one night I will tell you where I was.
Maybe I won't.
Sometimes it's best to bury it. I demanded she leave it behind and never speak or think of it. Clearly she sucks at following my directions as she basically told you everything in a play by play.
Maybe one day it will be the story I need to tell. Tell you how I left her bawling and broken devastated by a truth that only I know and a few select others. Left her to chose the path she could live with, not the one that lead her to me in blindness.
No, I took her rose colored lenses off that night, broke them and threw them to the trash. I think she saw me, the real me that night. Seven days it took her to come home, but she did. I knew she would.
I knew because in her final chapter, the one that she makes the choice, she finally saw the truth of who I am. I am thankful every minute that she chose me regardless.
She is the beginning and ending to every day. Whether it is God, the Fates the cosmos, horseshit or simply hope… I don't give a fuck, because she is mine and it is all I need to feel whole. I have loved her every single second since meeting her. Contrary to popular belief, I am not all dirt bag. I actually demanded she tell me she loved me, far too soon than her logical brain could handle.
I loved her instantly. It has morphed into something more powerful than I am over the course of the last eight years.
She understands my views on balance, but like usual she over thinks the shit out of it and honestly, she is as deep as the ocean, where I am as deep as a spoon. Because she over thinks everything, she missed the picture, so allow me to share:
Balance in my humbled opinion, is the evening of the scales between good and evil. Emjay and I are as she said, Ugly, perfect. The worst parts of myself are balanced by her love for me. Her fears weigh more than anything I can name, but for some reason unknown to us both, I carry the burden when she can't. I strengthen her in her weakest moments.
All of this, yes she defined though I feel like I said it just as clear in a hell of a lot less words. We balance one another. Absolutely. The price for that balance? That once in a life connection? The scales are evened by the bad. For us both, that is Kendal.
Emjay has paid in flesh, bone, blood and sorrow to find happiness with me and in that suffering I did as she explains and fixed her. I always will. He will forever be the thorn in our side, until he has scorched every beautiful thing between us and dies. It is in his death the scales will finally be even.
Perhaps I bought us time when I made deals in Seattle. I swore to promises and favors that equal far more than a pound of flesh. I will have to repay those debts when they are needed. They are worth it though. There is no punishment I won't accept to ensure her safety so it shouldn’t seem strange that there is no due I refuse to pay for the same reasons.
One day… one day I will tell you all about us and where we end up. Maybe by then I will have answers for Kendal. Maybe I will take it all to my grave. But, as I have always told Emjay even though she never listened, I ask you all to listen now.
I have eyes everywhere and I am always watching. The view from where I sit is far more vast, dark and I guarantee you'll really hate me should I ever let you see our world from my view point.
Until that day…
Sincerely~
D
The End
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Ugly, Perfect Page 20