by Barker, Dawn
‘Tony,’ she said quietly, not taking her eyes off him. ‘Tell them all to go away, please.’
‘Who?’
‘Everyone! Let’s make it just us, Tony, just us …’
He shook his head. ‘It’s just your mum, and the doctor and nurse.’
‘I don’t trust them,’ she whispered. ‘Please.’
Tony moved closer and took her hands. ‘It’s OK, babe. I trust them.’
How could she make him understand? He wasn’t listening to her. ‘Please …’
‘Anna, did you hear what your mum said? Do you understand what we’re saying?’
They were all looking at her. Anna squeezed Tony’s hands; they were hot and damp. It couldn’t be true. Jack had to be safe. That’s all she had cared about, protecting him. ‘Tony … where’s Jack? Tell me, please.’
‘Anna, we told you.’
She felt the panic clawing at her throat, strangling her words and stifling her breath. She breathed more quickly, trying to get some air in. She was dizzy; everything around her was spinning and spinning. ‘Where is he? Give me my baby …’
‘You know, Anna! Just stop!’ Tony shook his head, then let go of her hands and covered his face. Her mum was still stroking her foot; her skin was burning and she pulled her knees in tighter to her chest, looking from Tony to her mum, and back again. Tears poured down Wendy’s face. Anna began to wail. She could hear the noise she was making but somehow it didn’t seem to be coming from her. Tony was going now, he was going to leave her here, alone, without her baby. She took a deep breath and screamed. The noise was alive, malevolent, and it echoed and amplified as it gathered up all the grief around it.
She swung her legs off the right-hand side of the bed. Wendy jumped up and ran around the foot of the bed towards her, but Tony didn’t move. Would her legs hold her? She had to get out.
She pushed past her mum and lunged towards the door, not taking her eyes off the door handle. The drip stand clattered behind her as it fell and she felt the cannula rip out of her hand. From outside the room, she heard an alarm, shrill and piercing, becoming louder. Someone held her by the waist. Anna put her hands in her hair, grabbed it and pulled as hard as she could. She could hear the wailing still.
Then her knees buckled and she was down. Her head hit the floor; she lifted it up and banged it again and again.
‘Tony!’ she screamed. ‘Tony, help me! Get me out of here!’
She looked around for him; he was there, looking down at her, his face red and wet and contorted. His mouth moved but Anna couldn’t hear what he said. He stepped back out of her view and was gone.
She felt something pinning her limbs down and a sharp sting, and then the terror was leaving her, she was floating, and she didn’t have to think any more, just breathe slowly and drift off to sleep.
See, she told herself, it wasn’t real. Just go back to sleep.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Four weeks before
Monday, 17 August 2009
Anna picked up her cup of tea. It had gone cold. She refilled the kettle, then put a fresh tea bag in another mug. She leaned on the kitchen bench and waited. Above the bubbling of the boiling water, she heard Jack cry. She looked at her watch and sighed. Right on cue: two hours since the last feed. She switched the kettle off. She would feed Jack, then try to get to the shops to buy something for dinner before Tony got home.
She picked Jack up and he snuggled into her. She closed her eyes and breathed him in; this made it all worth it. He was so warm, so little. She kissed his head then sat down on the couch to feed him.
Straightaway, her phone rang. She smiled when she saw Tony’s work number on the screen; he must be leaving work early. She supported Jack in one hand; and leaned forward to pick it up.
‘Hi, babe,’ she said.
‘Hi. What are you up to?’
‘Oh, you know, just cooking a three-course meal, about to go for a 10K run, reading a novel …’
Tony laughed. ‘Sitting on the couch?’
Anna looked down at her bare legs, unshaven, and the chipped red nail polish on her toes, left over from a trip to the day spa with Emily a few weeks ago. She had barely been able to see her toes over her stomach then. Maybe this weekend Tony would mind Jack between feeds so that she and Emily could go for a coffee and have their nails done. The thought of even an hour to herself was wonderful.
‘Yeah, just feeding the baby – again. I worked out that I spend about ten hours a day just feeding him.’
‘Shit, that’s a lot of milk. He must be growing!’
She glanced down at Jack’s serious face. He was growing; it was good to know that as hard as it was, she was providing for him, giving him what he needed.
‘Are you leaving soon? It’s not even four yet.’
‘In about half an hour. I thought I’d invite Mum and Dad over for a drink.’
‘Oh.’ Anna looked around the room, saw the washing basket full of unfolded clothes on the floor near the patio doors, the day’s dishes strewn over the kitchen bench behind her, and the coffee stains on the table. ‘When? The house is in a state …’
‘It doesn’t matter about the house. They were going to come straight after Dad finishes work, so in an hour or something.’
‘An hour? You’ve already organised it?’ She looked down at her baggy dress, unbuttoned to the waist, and her unhooked maternity bra stained with milk. She must smell. ‘But I need to have a shower, and tidy up. We haven’t got anything in the house …’
‘I’ll stop by the shops on the way home, get some dips and beer.’
‘Tony, some notice would have been good.’
‘It’s only Mum and Dad. They don’t care what the place looks like, they just want to see us.’
She wished Tony would be a bit more thoughtful sometimes. The last thing she wanted was to have to make conversation. She just wanted him to bring home some dinner and then go to bed early, full of hope that maybe this was the night she would finally get some sleep. Now Jim and Ursula and Tony would have a few drinks and chat and say how wonderful Jack was, and they’d end up staying for dinner, and she wouldn’t get to bed until late.
What was the point in arguing? Then she’d look like the bad one. ‘Fine, but hurry home – make sure you’re here before them.’
Jack’s feeding was slowing down now. She sat forward and swapped him to the other breast. She gritted her teeth until the searing pain settled, then stood up and gingerly started to tidy up with her one free hand.
* * *
Ursula, Jim and Lisa waited at the door. Tony’s car wasn’t in the driveway; he must have been held up at work. Ursula rang the doorbell again, and heard it chime above the sound of a vacuum cleaner and the baby crying. She tried the door but it was locked. The afternoon drizzle was becoming steadier now and Ursula’s glasses had a fine mist on them. She was going to get soaked. Lisa huddled under the front porch, while Jim – still in a fluorescent-yellow work vest – walked into the garden, stepped between some shrubs and knocked on the window. The vacuum stopped. Ursula heard a cupboard door creaking open and the clatter of the plastic hose of the vacuum cleaner being shoved in. The baby stopped crying, then the door opened.
Anna stood cradling Jack in her left arm. She smiled. Her hair was wet and combed straight, but she wore no make-up and Ursula could see the dark shadows under her eyes. ‘Come in out of the rain! I’m sorry I didn’t hear you. I was just having a shower.’
Ursula wiped her feet on the mat, then stepped into the house and kissed Anna’s cheek. ‘How are you, love? And how’s my gorgeous boy doing?’ She leaned down and kissed Jack’s forehead, then moved aside to let Jim and Lisa in.
‘Lisa!’ Anna said. ‘I didn’t know you were coming. It’s great to see you!’
Lisa hugged Anna. ‘Mum called me. I can’t stay long, I’m going round to a friend’s place to work on some designs, but I thought I’d pop in and see my nephew first.’ She looked down at Jack, whose eyes were clo
sing now, and held out her arms towards him. ‘Can I have a cuddle?’
Anna hesitated, opened her mouth to say something, then nodded and handed Jack over. Lisa rocked him in her arms and tickled his chin with her finger. Ursula watched her daughter talking softly to the baby: she was a natural. Realising she was staring, Ursula looked away and handed Anna a bottle of pinot gris, then ushered Jim inside and closed the front door. Lisa and Anna were walking down the hallway and chattering. Jim put his hand in the small of Ursula’s back and they followed them to the kitchen.
Anna looked into the pantry without taking anything out, then opened a cupboard and clattered the crockery around. She talked loudly; Ursula could hear a hysterical edge to her voice. ‘I don’t know where Tony is. He was meant to be home half an hour ago. He shouldn’t be long. Jim, a beer?’
‘Love one, Anna,’ he said, perching on a kitchen stool. ‘It’s been a long day.’
‘Work still busy?’ Anna rummaged in the fridge. ‘We’ve only got one beer – Tony’s getting some more from the shops.’
‘Great, thanks.’ Jim took the bottle and twisted off the top.
‘Now, wine. We should have something cold in here somewhere …’
‘Open the one we brought, Anna, that’s what it’s for. Here, I’ll do it. You sit down.’ Ursula took the bottle from Anna’s hands.
Anna took down two wine glasses and put them on the bench in front of Ursula. ‘Sorry, I thought we had some chips in the cupboard, but we don’t. I’ll call Tony and ask him to get some on his way.’
‘Doesn’t matter, we don’t need any.’
‘No, that’s OK. I’ll call him.’
She went to the couch and picked up her phone, then walked to the back of the room and turned to face the corner, speaking in a shrill whisper. As she poured the wine Ursula watched Anna out of the corner of her eye but couldn’t hear what she was saying.
Anna came back over, her cheeks red. ‘Tony’s been held up, he’s only just leaving now, I’m sorry …’
‘Doesn’t matter. I don’t need to see my brother, it’s this little one I’ve come to see,’ said Lisa, still cuddling Jack.
‘Come and sit down,’ Anna said. ‘I’ll put some music on.’ She pushed the cushions on the black leather couch to the side, and Jim and Lisa sat down. Jim arranged some of the cushions under Lisa’s elbow until she was comfortable. Anna took a box of laminated cork coasters from the shelf under the coffee table and laid them out. ‘Sorry they’re a bit ugly. Wedding present from someone at work; I think they were regifted.’
Lisa laughed. ‘Australian native flowers, classy! I’ll have the bottlebrush please.’
‘You sit down, Anna. I’ll get you a wine.’ Ursula opened the cupboard to get another glass.
Anna shook her head. ‘No, thanks. I’d love one, but I can’t – breastfeeding.’
‘Just a little one?’
‘No thanks, Ursula.’
‘You can have a little one, can’t you? Won’t hurt. In my day —’
‘No,’ Anna said, sharply. ‘I don’t want one, thank you.’
Ursula looked up: Anna’s face was flushed and blotchy, like she was going to cry. Ursula nodded, then screwed the lid back on the bottle and put it in the fridge. Tony really should be here; it wasn’t good enough that he was working so hard when Anna was on her own with a new baby.
‘I’ll get you a glass of water, Anna. Sit down.’
Anna took a step towards the kitchen, then stopped, walked back and sat on one of the two armchairs. Ursula let the tap run and filled a glass with water, then went over to join the others.
She could see that Anna was making an effort: she asked Lisa about her work, her latest boyfriend and her new flat, then asked Jim about his work, and whether or not he’d been fishing. But something wasn’t quite right. Her laughter seemed hollow; her smile tense. Ursula sipped her wine and let the girls talk. She didn’t hear much about Lisa’s life these days, so it was nice to listen and feel involved. But as Ursula watched Anna’s performance, she felt as though they were intruding on something. She glanced at her watch: where was Tony?
Then she heard the front door close and smiled in relief. Tony struggled into the room with a carton of beer on his shoulder and a plastic bag in his hand. ‘Sorry everyone, sorry …’ Jim stood up to help him.
‘Busy day?’ Ursula stood up to kiss him on the cheek as Jim took the carton from him.
‘Oh yeah, it’s a nightmare at the moment. We’re trying to get this new account and we’re under the pump.’ Tony set down the plastic bag and stretched out his shoulders. ‘Time for a beer, I think! Dad, another one?’
‘Yeah, cheers.’
‘Mum, another wine?’
‘Maybe just half a glass, I’m driving …’
‘I’ll have another one!’ Lisa waved her empty glass from where she sat on the couch.
‘Oh Lisa, didn’t see you down there. How are you?’ Tony smiled.
‘I’m great, ta. Just being aunty to this gorgeous boy.’
Ursula relaxed. The room felt warmer now. She glanced at Anna, who was still sitting in the armchair, with her legs curled under her. She laughed along with everyone else, but seemed to join in just a second too late.
Ursula rummaged in Tony’s shopping bag. ‘Anna, there’s some lemon, lime and bitters here. Can I pour you some?’
‘You don’t want a wine?’ Tony said, looking up at Anna as if he’d only just noticed her.
Ursula saw the tiny movement of Anna’s jaw clenching. ‘I’ve asked her already,’ she put in quickly. ‘I’ll get her some soft drink. Go and sit down, Tony.’
Tony untucked his work shirt from his pants and went to sit next to Lisa. Jack was still asleep. ‘He’s sleeping now, eh?’ He looked at Anna. ‘He must like all the noise.’
Ursula passed Anna a glass. ‘He’s not sleeping well?’
Tony shook his head, opened some chips, then put the bag on the table. ‘Anna’s been having some bad nights.’
‘Oh no,’ Lisa said. ‘That’s what I don’t think I could cope with, not getting any sleep. I’m bad enough if I have a night out …’
‘You were like that, Tony,’ Jim said. ‘Your poor mother was exhausted.’
‘I didn’t think you noticed, Jim, you seemed to sleep through it all.’ Ursula raised her eyebrows.
‘I’m fine,’ Anna said. ‘He’s just being a baby, it’s nothing unusual.’
‘But it’s hard on you, babe.’
Anna swallowed, then nodded. ‘A bit. But it’s OK.’
‘I can come round and help you, love, take him for a while so you can grab some sleep. I’m not doing anything else.’
Tony looked eagerly at Anna. ‘See, I told you Mum could help.’
‘Honestly, it’s fine.’
Ursula watched Anna’s face tighten as she broke eye contact with Tony. Then, forcing a smile, she turned to Ursula. ‘Thanks Ursula. It’s just that he seems to feed all the time, so there’s not much anyone else can do. It’s not worth trying to sleep, I’d only get half an hour. I think I’d feel worse. It’ll settle down soon …’
Ursula heard the quaver in Anna’s voice and saw that she was only just holding it together. She remembered the tiredness, the certainty that it would never end, that you’d never again get a full night’s sleep. Tony was about to say something else, but Ursula spoke first. ‘You’re right, he will settle down soon. See how you go, but if you need help, just ask. Even if you want me to pick up some groceries for you or something.’
‘Thanks, I’ll keep it in mind. But we’re OK, honestly.’
Ursula took the hint. She looked away from Anna. ‘So Tony, what’s going on at work? Why’s it so busy at the moment?’
As Tony leaned back and started talking, Jack began to fuss. Anna jumped up as Lisa tried to shift him in her arms. Ursula stood up too and leaned over Tony, taking Jack from Lisa. Lisa looked relieved, stretching out her arms and reaching for her wine. Anna sat back down in
her chair, but Ursula could see that she was ready to spring up again.
Ursula walked around the room, bouncing her arms and singing quietly to Jack. He looked just like Tony had as a baby. She loved the feeling of the tiny warm body against her chest. But he wouldn’t settle. He shook his head from side to side with his mouth open, sucking at Ursula’s shirt. She walked over to Anna’s chair and spoke softly. ‘Sorry, love, but I think he’s hungry.’
Anna closed her eyes for a few moments and took a deep breath. She stood up without saying a word, took Jack and walked out of the room.
Ursula watched Anna as she left: she was holding Jack away from her body and wasn’t looking at him. ‘Is she OK, Anthony?’
Tony paused in his conversation with Jim. ‘Yeah, she’s fine. She’ll just be feeding him, she’ll be back soon.’
Ursula sat back down with her drink. She heard the baby cry from behind the bedroom door. It soon went quiet, but Anna didn’t come back to join them.
* * *
Anna sat on the couch in her pyjamas, watching an American talk show, the only thing on television at 1 a.m. She tried not to look at the empty beer bottles and dirty wine glasses on the coffee table, or the plastic takeaway containers littering the kitchen bench. She was not going to tidy them up in the morning; Tony could do that. Jack was asleep in her arms, but she knew he would scream if she tried to put him down. It was easier to give in and stay awake. She could hear Tony snoring from their bedroom. She would do anything to swap places with him tonight, just for one night, just to get a stretch of sleep. Then she could handle anything. All she wanted was a bit of time to herself, to have a shower without Tony bringing Jack in because he wouldn’t stop crying. Jack was his baby too; why did it always fall back on her?