by Barker, Dawn
There wouldn’t be any windows in prison either.
She shifted in her chair. Her legs burned with agitation; she needed to move them, to walk. She circled her ankles, uncrossed her legs, then crossed them the other way. She closed her eyes. The judge’s voice had slipped into the background now, and Anna could hear the whoosh of her blood as it pulsed around her head. It sounded like the wind, or maybe a shell held up to her ear. And she could hear other things too.
She could hear the slap of her thongs hitting the path; the roar and hiss of waves breaking; seagulls screeching. She could feel the cold ocean spray misting over her, and smell tangy saline and sour rotting seaweed. Sharp stones stabbing the soles of her feet; the chill of soaked slippery rocks. Jack crying. Then silence.
Anna gasped, or maybe she screamed. The judge stared at her; the court was silent. She forced herself to breathe. Her face burned, and her chin began to tremble. She gripped onto the arms of her chair. Everyone was looking at her; she couldn’t get away. A glass of water appeared in front of her and she gulped it down, grateful for something to focus on. The memories were fading now, receding like the tide, further and further away.
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
That day
Monday, 14 September 2009
She had been lying still, awake, long before the alarm clock shrieked through the room. She heard Tony sigh. She tried to slow her breathing, but surely he knew she was awake? She wanted him to pull her into the warm hollow of his shoulder and tell her she would be all right, but he didn’t. His hand brushed her back; she flinched. She felt him hesitate, and her heart quickened, but then he took his hand away again. He sighed and kissed the back of her head. She stayed silent, still.
She listened as Tony crept out of the room and closed the door behind him. She heard him turn on the radio. She could hear people whispering in the corner, but when she looked, there was no one there. Were they outside? The patio doors squeaked, and Jessie’s dog biscuits rattled as Tony poured them into her bowl. Someone laughed; a cruel, cold sound. She pulled the blanket tighter around her and screwed her eyes shut. She jumped as the door opened. Tony tiptoed into the room and opened the wardrobe. She didn’t move. He walked out. Then she heard him talking on the phone.
Anna knew it was time. She sat up, opened her bedside cabinet and took out the envelope. Tony’s bag was propped against the wall; she jumped out of bed and put the letter inside, praying he wouldn’t find it too soon. He was still talking on the phone. She got back into bed and closed her eyes. Jack cried, but Tony didn’t bring him to her.
Later again. Had she fallen asleep? Tony was talking to her. He was sending his mum to babysit her.
She sat up; she couldn’t breathe. Didn’t he understand? Couldn’t he see? ‘No! Tell her not to come, please. It’s OK, I’m OK!’
Tony stared at her as if she was nothing to him, as if she disgusted him. He wasn’t going to listen to her. Everything the voices had been telling her was true.
She said nothing.
She wished she could say goodbye.
* * *
Anna heard the bells on the front door jingle as it closed, then waited until Tony’s car had driven away. She didn’t have much time before Ursula got here; she needed to hurry. Tears stabbed her eyes; she let them fall. She breathed deeply, slowly got out of bed, and went to the door of Jack’s room. From the doorway she watched him sleep for a minute, then turned around and walked into the bathroom. She closed the door, turned the shower on and stepped in. When she looked up the water slapped her face. She turned up the hot tap and stood there until her skin burned.
Turning off the water, she stepped unsteadily onto the cold, damp towel on the floor. The heat from the scorching shower quickly disappeared as the water dripped off her. She breathed in the humid air, wiped the condensation off the mirror, and stared at herself. She lifted one thin arm up towards her tired neck and held it there. Her damp hair clung to her face as the water dripped over her craggy collarbone. The hairs on her arm stood on end as her skin cooled.
Anna moved her head until the ugly crack in the corner of the mirror appeared over her forehead and distorted the outline of her face. She moved so it was over her eyes, her lips, her chin, then settled it back on her brow. Like a fracture: cracked and broken.
She looked into her own eyes. They were more tired than she remembered, the sleepless nights written in the lines around them. She closed them and breathed in slowly, then opened them quickly and watched the dark pupils instantly constrict. The light that they once gave out had vanished; they looked back at her flatly, like something dead. She barely recognised the image that the mirror threw back at her. When she frowned, she saw her mother’s face. She would never know what facets of herself had been bestowed by her father.
Turning her back on her reflection, she looked down at the crumpled towel under her feet, soaked now. She reached for another from the rail on the back of the door and wrapped it around her. It smelled musty.
She opened the door to the hallway. The house was quiet. She found her dressing-gown in the laundry basket, took it out and put it back on. She walked through to the living room and collapsed on the couch. Closing her eyes, she wished she could fall asleep again. She couldn’t hear the whispers any more. But she knew they were there, waiting. There wasn’t much time.
She sat up with a faint smile and her strained shoulders slackened. She went back into the bedroom and dressed for the first time in days. She found a belt. She combed her hair and tied it back. She made the bed, then went back into the bathroom, picked the wet towel up off the floor and hung it on the rail.
In the kitchen, she read the instructions on the tin of formula and made up four bottles with boiling water. She put them in the fridge, then quickly tidied the dishes away and switched on the dishwasher. She walked quietly into Jack’s room. He was awake, but silent. She didn’t look at him as she went to his drawer and took out a sleep suit and some clean clothes for the next day. She folded them and stacked them at the end of the change table.
Going to the window, she separated the blinds with her fingers and glanced outside, but there was no sign of Ursula yet. She looked at Jack again, then walked out.
She stood at the front door with her car keys in one hand. She heard Jack whimper. Was she doing the right thing? Her hands began to shake as someone laughed, and her eyes filled with tears. Were they in the house? Would they hurt Jack if she left him here alone until Ursula arrived? She shook her head; they’d follow her. She was the problem, not Jack, and once she was gone, he’d be safe. Jack whimpered again. Where was Ursula? What if she was held up, and Jack was here by himself for hours? The thought of him crying, alone, was unbearable.
Before she could change her mind she ran back to the baby’s room, stuffed some nappies, wipes and clothes in his nappy bag, and picked him up. Jack folded into her and she covered his head with kisses. She wanted to have every inch of his warm, soft skin touching her, to keep him so close to her that he’d be safe. But there was no way to protect him. She had to stay strong and follow through; there was no other choice.
She slung the bag over her shoulder and, with Jack in her arms, went to the front door. This time she didn’t hesitate. She opened the door, stepped outside, and closed it behind her without looking back.
* * *
Anna drove slowly. Jack was quiet, strapped into his baby capsule in the back. She tried to watch the road in front of her, as well as look out for Ursula’s car driving past. Which way would she come?
She was close to Jim and Ursula’s place, but hadn’t passed her mother-in-law. She indicated, turned into their street and drove towards their house. She was too late: Ursula’s car was gone. She stopped the car and let it idle. Her thoughts were all tangled, and that burning panic started to build up in her stomach again. Her thoughts were going so fast now, so fast that she couldn’t catch them before they disappeared, and she couldn’t work out what to do. She couldn’t leave him here
. Should she go back?
Jack made a sound from the back, like a growl. She gripped the steering wheel to stop her hands shaking. She needed to drive on before he started crying. If he cried, she didn’t know if she could go through with it. He’d be hungry soon. There wasn’t enough time. She released the handbrake, indicated and drove off again.
She thought it would have taken longer to get there, but the traffic was all going the other way and she arrived in twenty minutes. She turned off the main road and followed the track to the small car park above the beach. There were a couple of other cars there, but she couldn’t see anyone. This was the only place she could think of where she wouldn’t risk seeing someone she knew. She could still hear the mumbling, somewhere behind her. She picked up Jack and closed the car door.
She walked down the uneven wooden stairs, holding onto the handrail with one hand and carrying Jack in the other arm. The soft sand at the beginning of the beach seemed to pull her back with every step, but soon she reached the hard, cold sand at the edge of the ocean. She looked out to the horizon: there were people out there surfing. This wouldn’t do.
Her breathing was laboured now and she heard herself wheezing as she ran back up the steps to the car park and started to walk quickly along the path to her right. Her entire body was shaking now. She looked straight in front of her. Jack didn’t make a sound. The path inclined upwards; she stumbled as her foot slipped on a flat rock covered with powdery sand. Her arms were wrapped tightly around Jack, and even as she fell to her knees she didn’t let go of him. They were coming; she had to think of a way to keep him safe. Her knees stung as the gravel scraped her skin, and she cried out. She clutched Jack to her and heard herself scream. He started to wail against her chest. She stayed on her knees and rocked back and forth to try to calm him.
She had to get up. Somehow she struggled to her feet, but Jack was still crying. He was nodding his little head all over her chest looking for her breast. She blinked to try to clear her vision and kept going.
When she had gone far enough she stood at the edge of the cliff and looked down at the heavy waves smashing into the rocks. It was as she remembered it, as wild and beautiful and desolate as when she and Tony had come here, years ago, before they were married, before Jack. Spray exploded upward then crashed down to be sucked back out to sea. Even high up here, the air was wet and salty, and the rocks were slick.
Jack had stopped crying now. So had Anna.
She looked out to the sun and then she stepped forward.
CHAPTER FORTY
Four months after
Friday, 15 January 2010
The court was silent; even the air seemed to have stilled, waiting for the judge’s sentence. The stenographer’s hands hovered above her typewriter. Anna held her breath, and stared into her lap. She closed her eyes and concentrated on taking oxygen in through her nose, down into her lungs and through her body, then out again, again and again until the judge began to talk. She opened her eyes; he was looking straight at her.
‘In summary, I accept the psychiatric evidence that has been submitted to me, which is that at the time of the act you were suffering from a severe psychiatric illness characterised by delusions and hallucinations.’
Anna nodded slightly. She didn’t blink.
‘As such, you are not to be held responsible for your actions.’
Anna stared at him, not comprehending.
‘I will now pass sentence.’
The judge put his papers down on the table. Anna could barely breathe: this was it. The room in front of her was blurred with her tears and she gripped the edges of the dock.
‘I do not think that a custodial sentence would serve any purpose here. You will be punished enough by having to live for the rest of your life knowing what has happened to your child. There is no suggestion that you are a danger to the community.’ The judge paused and looked around the courtroom. ‘Under section nine of the Crimes Act 1999, I am sentencing you to a bond for a period of four years.’
A collective gasp went around the room; silence was replaced with sniffing and crying and rustling and murmuring. Anna had heard the judge but couldn’t understand what he’d said. What did it mean, a bond? She turned to Scott: he was grinning, as was Chloe next to him. Anna looked back to the judge.
‘Ultimately, this is a tragedy that no one could have foreseen. You and your family have suffered enough.’ He took his glasses off and looked at Anna. ‘Mrs Patton,’ he said. ‘I wish you the best for the future, and please do remember what has been said here in this courtroom.’
Anna tried to smile in acknowledgement of his words but felt her face contort. She began to shake and tears streamed down her cheeks. People were standing up now, talking, shaking hands. She heard sobbing and turned around; Emily and Wendy were clutching onto each other, bobbing up and down and crying. Wendy saw her looking and grinned, then blew her kisses. It was so surreal, she didn’t know what to do. She looked for Tony; how was he feeling? He wasn’t hard to find: he was still seated, with his hands over his face as his shoulders shook. She wanted desperately to go to him, to hold him and cry together, and to find out if he was crying with relief or fury. Anna didn’t know if she was allowed to leave the dock; everyone seemed to have forgotten about her. The sobs she’d been holding back started to escape and she slumped forward, holding her head in her hands.
Finally, it was over.
* * *
Once the courtroom had been cleared, Scott helped Anna walk towards the exit while Chloe lingered behind, tidying up their paperwork. Anna couldn’t stop crying and shaking; she just wanted to collapse and give in to the exhaustion, all that was left now the adrenalin had drained away. She felt like an old woman: every part of her ached and stooped.
‘You OK, Anna?’ Scott said, putting his arm around her shoulder to support her.
She could only talk in gasps. ‘I don’t know. Confused. Exhausted.’ She shook her head as another sob bubbled up in her chest.
‘I know. It’s a lot to take in; you’ve been through so much. Some of that stuff was pretty hard to hear.’
Anna nodded. Hard for her to hear? Or for him?
‘So do you understand what the judge said?’
‘No!’ They had reached the exit of the courtroom now. Anna stopped at the door. Was this what she wanted? To walk out a free woman instead of being transported to jail as a prisoner? She didn’t think she could take the next step.
Scott stopped too and turned her towards him, putting a hand on each of her shoulders. ‘You’ve been given a bond for four years, a good behaviour bond if you like: you have to stay out of trouble, keep seeing your psychiatrist and do what she recommends. That’s it.’
‘No prison?’ Anna croaked.
‘No prison.’ Scott smiled. ‘You can start getting your life back together now.’
She shook her head, staring at the door in front of her. ‘You make it sound so easy.’
‘Anna, this is the best outcome we could have hoped for,’ Scott said firmly. ‘And it’s what should have happened. You didn’t deserve to go to jail.’
She nodded slowly, looking away as her mind raced. She had no idea what to do now. She was terrified.
Scott reached forward to push the door open. Anna grabbed his arm. ‘Wait!’
He paused, then linked his free arm in Anna’s. She brushed at the tears on her cheeks, then nodded slightly, and Scott opened the door.
The first person she saw was her mum. She let go of Scott and ran towards her. ‘Mum!’
‘Anna! Thank God, thank God …’ Wendy sobbed and clutched her. Anna felt another pair of arms around her and looked up to see Emily.
‘I knew it, Anna! I knew it’d be OK!’
‘I can’t believe it,’ Anna said through her sobs.
‘Do you know what we need? A drink! A big one!’ Emily laughed, wiping her eyes.
Anna managed to smile, and for the first time in months she even felt a tiny sliver of hope. Not
happiness, but a sense of the possibility of a future.
Wendy took her hand. ‘Come on, let’s get as far away from here as possible.’
She began to walk with her mum and Emily, then turned around to look at Scott. He was watching them with a smile on his face. Anna dropped her mum’s hand and ran back to him. She hugged him. ‘Thank you, Scott.’
He shook his head. ‘Just doing my job.’
She looked at him for another moment, then spun around and joined Wendy and Emily, and the three of them walked towards the sunlight together.
* * *
Ursula shifted her weight from foot to foot just inside the doorway of the court building and watched Anna coming down the corridor. When Ursula had heard the verdict, she too had cried. She was glad it was over, glad for Tony’s sake that there was a resolution to it all, but she couldn’t help but wish that Anna had received more of a punishment. She didn’t want her to be locked up for the rest of her life, but maybe a year or two would have taught her … What? Ursula knew that Anna must be hurting, but she thought that the judge was wrong: she hadn’t suffered enough.
Tony had rushed outside as soon as the court was cleared, in a state. He hadn’t even been able to speak. Jim had hurried out after him; now, Ursula and Lisa were waiting anxiously to hear from him. And while Tony was somewhere on the streets of Sydney, distraught, Anna was walking away from the courtroom, smiling and hugging that lawyer that Tony had paid for, then skipping over to Wendy and Emily.
Ursula nudged Lisa. ‘Have you seen her?’
‘I know, Mum,’ Lisa said, looking up from her phone. ‘We should go. We can head back to the car and just call Dad. If he’s with Tony, they can get a taxi back later. They’re probably in the pub.’
‘Look at her! She’s celebrating, like there’s been some kind of victory. It’s disgusting. It’s like she’s forgotten why she’s here in the first place.’
‘This isn’t doing us any good. Let’s get out of here,’ Lisa pleaded. She tried to steer her mum outside but Ursula shook her off.