I finally convinced them to let me go back to my own apartment with several promises that I would call them if I needed anything.
Hepplewhite meowed as if she were actually glad to see me. I ruffled her fur in greeting. I took a limping tour of the place, glad to finally be on my home turf. On Saturday, I had insisted on going out to the shipyard to get my father’s cane. He had used it after being wounded in World War II. Before him, it had belonged to my grandmother. It was hand-carved oak, polished and darkened by long years of use. We’d had dinner with the Claytons, and I had finally shown Danny, with Elly, around where I had grown up.
I sat at my desk, going through all the mail that had accumulated in my absence. Mostly junk with a few bills thrown in to keep me on my feet.
Torbin had sent me a series of get-well cards, most of them obscene. He had even shown up at the hospital one evening, dressed as, and claiming to be, my grandmother. The nurses couldn’t figure out why I almost rolled out of my bed laughing at the sight of that gray-haired woman, with a severe bun, wire-rim glasses perched halfway down her nose, dressed in a prim and proper black dress, and what we had always called “nun shoes.” Torbin never got out of character, telling me to be sure to eat all the vegetables that they served me, to be nice to those hardworking nurses, and to always read my Bible every night before I went to bed.
But when he had leaned over to kiss me goodbye, he whispered, “Now, that Nurse Jones looks hot to trot. I bet she’d like your tongue running over her clit. Nurse Watkins has tits out to here, you could bury your face in them for a year,” and other obscenities. I’m sure it took at least three days off my recovery.
As soon as I got well enough, I was going to fix my bed and put those cards over the headboard. Then I could go to the bars and use as my line, “Hi, want to come back to my place and see my collection of dirty get-well cards?” I couldn’t imagine where Torbin had gone to get some of them. But I wasn’t interested in going to bars, I realized.
I made a pile of my bills and went through them, writing out checks. Ranson herself had handed me the check from Karen, so I knew it would be good. She had also told me that Karen was paying me half time until my leg was completely healed. That meant I was getting paid to sit here and write bills. By the only woman I had no compunctions whatsoever about taking the money from.
Ranson had also given me a rundown on what had happened to the rest of Korby’s gang. They had rounded up a number of the goon squad at One Hundred Oaks. Not all the heroin had been loaded when the police arrived, so those boys would go to jail for a long time. Korby had left them there to take the rap. I recognized two of them as the men who had attacked me. They could add assault and battery to their drug charges. Enough of them had squealed on the rest of the operation to be able to put Jambalaya Import and Export out of business for good. But with Korby dead, all that was left of the lizard was a useless tail.
It was over. Frankie’s death was avenged. And I had found out how hollow revenge was. What I had wanted was to make things whole again, to bring the world back into balance. But nothing brought Frankie back. Nothing would get rid of the plate in Barbara’s skull or straighten her limp. Maybe that was why Ben shot himself. He had lived twenty years of his life for vengeance. When he found out that Holloway was dead—that vengeance was beyond his reach, all he had left was the hollowness that his hatred had burned. And Alma and David were still gone beyond recall.
I finished my bills, stamped them, and left them on a corner of my desk to be mailed. It was hard work getting up and down my three flights of stairs.
I turned and looked out my window at the pale amber light of the late afternoon as it glinted off distant buildings. I had always thought of this as a reflective time of day, with its contrast of low golden light and slanting deep blue shadows.
“You can tell me to go away if you want,” a voice said from behind me.
I turned back around. Cordelia was standing in my doorway.
“You deserve something better than sneak attacks in the middle of the night,” she said.
“Yes, I do,” I replied. “And I won’t tell you to go away.”
She walked over to my desk and put a check on it.
“What’s that for?” I asked.
“Services rendered.”
“Karen’s paying me.”
“For after you got shot. This is for before. When you saved my life.”
I didn’t pick up the check, but sat at my desk, shaking my head.
“You didn’t hire me,” I finally said.
“I know. And I know you’re too damn proud to take money. But it’s all I have to give.”
“No, it’s not,” I replied.
We looked at each other across the width of my desk.
“I’ve got to go,” she said, more to herself than to me. She turned to leave.
“Cordelia,” I said and got up. She kept going. “I can’t run after you. I’ll hurt myself trying,” I called, limping stiffly around my desk.
She stopped at my doorway and looked back, still poised for flight.
“One question,” I said. “And then you can leave if you want.” I stopped halfway across the room, leaning on my cane. “Are you still going to marry him?”
She turned to face me. “No,” she said softly. “I’ve learned my lesson. I thought I could put my life in a neat little box, isolated from shock and pain. But that’s not possible.”
“No, it’s not.” I knew. I had tried outrunning it.
“It’s a nice sunset,” she said, looking out my window.
“It is,” I replied.
“And you’re a hero. You should ride off into it.”
“Limp, I’m afraid.”
“Yes. And you should get the girl. That’s the way it happens in books. But this is real life and the girl is scared and confused.”
“Truth be told, so is the hero. I think real life is spending a lot of time scared and confused,” I said.
“I like you, Micky. Beyond that…I don’t know. I’ve run into people’s arms before, thinking that they were the solution to my loneliness. It would be very easy to run into yours. But I’m not going to do that. Not this time.”
“Just don’t run away,” I said.
“I need time to think. I’m taking a few weeks’ vacation. I’m going to get on my bike and ride. Maybe the Natchez Trace. Somewhere where it’s just me and the road. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to sort things out. Maybe a long time.”
“I’ll be here.”
“I’m not asking you to wait,” she said.
“I know,” I replied. “My choice.”
“No promises.”
“One.”
“Yes?”
“Your happiness. Find your happiness,” I said, looking at her. “Or as close as you can get. I would like it to include me, but if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. Just promise me you’ll look for it.”
“I promise,” she said. She crossed the room to me, took my face in her hands, and gently kissed me. “For what it’s worth,” she said, breaking off, “this isn’t easy.”
“It’s not supposed to be,” I replied. She turned to go. “Cordelia, whatever you decide, tell me.”
“Of course. It may take time. Take care of yourself, Micky.” Then she walked out of my door.
I watched her descend the stairs. A shaft of golden sunlight caught her for a moment. She paused, unaware, in it and glanced back at me, her eyes blazingly blue. Then she was gone.
I stood where I was, listening for the final echoes of her footsteps. They faded and I limped back to my desk. Waiting is the hardest part. I stood for a moment, watching the deepening shadows.
Don’t wait. Don’t just wait, Micky. She might not be back. Find your own happiness, with or without her. No one has it for you.
I looked at the check that Cordelia had left on my desk. My first thought was to throw it in the trash, but she would know I did that when it never cleared.
I picked it up. In the lower left hand corner was written, “partial payment of debt.” Nothing more. She didn’t use her title, just Cordelia James. Cordelia Katherine James, I thought. I turned the check over, endorsed it and wrote, “debt paid,” under my name. The money was a gift from her. To reject it would be to reject what she chose to offer.
I looked at my forlorn record collection, one of my three versions of Beethoven’s Ninth facing me. I needed to listen to the “Ode to Joy,” particularly if Cordelia’s happiness didn’t include me. I would take the money and buy myself a new stereo.
The light on the distant buildings had faded to a warm glow. It would be dark soon.
I turned from the evening light and went to where I kept my liquor. One by one I took each bottle to the sink and poured it down the drain until all I had left was one bottle of good Scotch. I poured out half of it, then I put it back in the bare cabinet. It would remain there as a reminder and as a choice. Every time I didn’t take a drink, it would be out of choice and not necessity.
It was time to think about my past. The past that I had so desperately been trying to leave behind. The deaths, the horrors all traveled with me. Memory doesn’t fade, the edges barely dull in what little time we have.
But I was alive and there had to be some way for me to reach out to joy, the fleeting moments that passed.
If Cordelia ever came back, I would be here. I could only wish her well. Even if she didn’t come back, I would still be here.
Love is a miracle, not a salvation. No one would save me, that I had to seek for myself. But I would find it. I had finally turned to face the hunters with their guns.
About the Author
J.M. Redmann has written six novels, all featuring New Orleans private detective Michele “Micky” Knight. The fourth, Lost Daughters, was originally published by W.W. Norton. Her third book, The Intersection Of Law & Desire, won a Lambda Literary Award, as well as being an Editor’s Choice of the San Francisco Chronicle and featured on NPR’s Fresh Air. Lost Daughters and Deaths Of Jocasta were also nominated for Lambda Literary Awards. Her books have been translated into German, Spanish, Dutch, and Norwegian. She currently lives in New Orleans, just at the edge of the flooded area.
Books Available From Bold Strokes Books
The Long Way Home by Rachel Spangler. They say you can’t go home again, but Raine St. James doesn’t know why anyone would want to. When she is forced to accept a job in the town she’s been publicly bashing for the last decade, she has to face down old hurts and the woman she left behind. (978-1-60282-178-1)
Water Mark by J.M. Redmann. PI Micky Knight’s professional and personal lives are torn asunder by Katrina and its aftermath. She needs to solve a murder and recapture the woman she lost while struggling to simply survive in a world gone mad. (978-1-60282- 179-8)
Picture Imperfect by Lea Santos. Young love doesn’t always stand the test of time, but Deanne is determined to get her marriage to childhood sweetheart Paloma back on the road to happily ever after, by way of Memory Lane-and Lover’s Lane. (978-1-60282-180-4)
The Perfect Family by Kathryn Shay. A mother and her gay son stand hand in hand as the storms of change engulf their perfect family and the life they knew. (978-1-60282-181-1)
Raven Mask by Winter Pennington. Preternatural Private Investigator (and closeted werewolf) Kassandra Lyall needs to solve a murder and protect her Vampire lover Lenorre, Countess Vampire of Oklahoma all while fending off the advances of the local werewolf alpha female. (978-1-60282-182-8)
The Devil be Damned by Ali Vali. The fourth book in the best-selling Cain Casey Devil series. (978-1-60282-159-0)
Descent by Julie Cannon. Shannon Roberts and Caroline Davis compete in the world of world-class bike racing and pretend that the fire between them is just professional rivalry, not desire. (978-1-60282-160-6)
Kiss of Noir by Clara Nipper. Nora Delany is a hard-living, sweettalking woman who can’t say no to a beautiful babe or a friend in danger—a darkly humorous homage to a bygone era of tough broads and murder in steamy New Orleans. (978-1-60282-161-3)
Under Her Skin by Lea Santos. Supermodel Lilly Lujan hasn’t a care in the world, except life is lonely in the spotlight—until Mexican gardener Torien Pacias sees through Lilly’s facade and offers gentle understanding and friendship when Lilly most needs it. (978-1-60282- 162-0)
Fierce Overture by Gun Brooke. Helena Forsythe is a hard-hitting CEO who gets what she wants by taking no prisoners when negotiating— until she meets a woman who convinces her that charm may be the way to win a battle, and a heart. (978-1-60282-156-9)
Trauma Alert by Radclyffe. Dr. Ali Torveau has no trouble saying no to romance until the day firefighter Beau Cross shows up in her ER and sets her carefully ordered world aflame. (978-1-60282-157-6)
Wolfsbane Winter by Jane Fletcher. Iron Wolf mercenary Deryn faces down demon magic and otherworldly foes with a smile, but she’s defenseless when healer Alana wages war on her heart. (978-1-60282- 158-3)
Little White Lie by Lea Santos. Emie Jaramillo knows relationships are for other people, and beautiful women like Gia Mendez don’t belong anywhere near her boring world of academia—until Gia sets out to convince Emie she has not only brains, but beauty...and that she’s the only woman Gia wants in her life. (978-1-60282-163-7)
Witch Wolf by Winter Pennington. In a world where vampires have charmed their way into modern society, where werewolves walk the streets with their beasts disguised by human skin, Investigator Kassandra Lyall has a secret of her own to protect: She’s one of them. (978-1-60282-177-4)
Do Not Disturb by Carsen Taite. Ainsley Faraday, a high-powered executive, and rock music celebrity Greer Davis couldn’t be less well suited for one another, and yet they soon discover passion has a way of designing its own future. (978-1-60282-153-8
From This Moment On by PJ Trebelhorn. Devon Conway and Katherine Hunter both lost love and neither believes they will ever find it again—until the moment they meet and everything changes. (978-1- 60282-154-5)
Vapor by Larkin Rose. When erotic romance writer Ashley Vaughn decides to take her research into the bedroom for a night of passion with Victoria Hadley, she discovers that fact is hotter than fiction. (978- 1-60282-155-2)
Wind and Bones by Kristin Marra. Jill O’Hara, award-winning journalist, just wants to settle her deceased father’s affairs and leave Prairie View, Montana, far, far behind—but an old girlfriend, a sexy sheriff, and a dangerous secret keep her down on the ranch. (978-1- 60282-150-7)
Nightshade by Shea Godfrey. The story of a princess, betrothed as a political pawn, who falls for her intended husband’s soldier sister, is a modern-day fairy tale to capture the heart. (978-1-60282-151-4)
Vieux Carré Voodoo by Greg Herren. Popular New Orleans detective Scotty Bradley just can’t stay out of trouble—especially
The Pleasure Set by Lisa Girolami. Laney DeGraff, a successful president of a family-owned bank on Rodeo Drive, finds her comfortable life taking a turn toward danger when Theresa Aguilar, a sleek, sexy lawyer, invites her to join an exclusive, secret group of powerful, alluring women. (978-1-60282-144-6)
A Perfect Match by Erin Dutton. The exciting world of pro golf forms the backdrop for a fast-paced, sexy romance. (978-1-60282-145-3)
Truths by Rebecca S. Buck. Two women separated by two hundred years are connected by fate and love. (978-1-60282-146-0)
Father Knows Best by Lynda Sandoval. High school juniors and best friends Lila Moreno, Meryl Morganstern, and Caressa Thibodoux plan to make the most of the summer before senior year. What they discover that amazing summer about girl power, growing up, and trusting friends and family more than prepares them to tackle that all-important senior year! (978-1-60282-147-7)
In Pursuit of Justice by Radclyffe. In the dynamic double sequel to Shield of Justice and A Matter of Trust, Det. Sgt. Rebecca Frye joins forces with enigmatic computer consultant J.T. Sloan to crack an Internet child pornography ring. (978-1-60282-147-4)
The Midnight Hunt by L.L. Raand. Medic Drake McKennan takes a chance and loses, and her life will never be the same—because when she wakes up after surviving a life-threatening illness, she is no longer human. (978-1-60282-140-8)
Long Shot by D. Jackson Leigh. Love isn’t safe, which is exactly why equine veterinarian Tory Greyson wants no part of it—until Leah Montgomery and a horse that won’t give up convince her otherwise. (978-1-60282-141-5)
In Medias Res by Yolanda Wallace. Sydney has forgotten her entire life, and the one woman who holds the key to her memory, and her heart, doesn’t want to be found. (978-1-60282-142-2)
Awakening to Sunlight by Lindsey Stone. Neither Judith or Lizzy is looking for companionship, and certainly not love—but when their lives become entangled, they discover both. (978-1-60282-143-9)
Fever by VK Powell. Hired gun Zakaria Chambers is hired to provide a simple escort service to philanthropist Sara Ambrosini, but nothing is as simple as it seems, especially love. (978-1-60282-135-4)
High Risk by JLee Meyer. Can actress Kate Hoffman really risk all she’s worked for to take a chance on love? Or is it already too late? (978-1-60282-136-1)
Missing Lynx by Kim Baldwin and Xenia Alexiou. On the trail of a notorious serial killer, Elite Operative Lynx’s growing attraction to a mysterious mercenary could be her path to love—or to death. (978-1- 60282-137-8)
Spanking New by Clifford Henderson. A poignant, hilarious, unforgettable look at life, love, gender, and the essence of what makes us who we are. (978-1-60282-138-5)
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