by Stella
Part of me expected the same excitement as he’d shown at my sixteen-week appointment, but five weeks changed a lot—and I wasn’t so sure it was for the better. Every day he was gone was another that felt like he slipped further away. I hadn’t watched a game or even so much as turned on the TV since I’d seen him at the bar, and without the nightly FaceTime calls, everything was off.
His lack of communication today only intensified my isolation. In my entire life, I’d never felt as alone as I had this week. And sitting here in the doctor’s office listening to the same thing I’d heard five weeks ago, I just became numb, wondering if I’d even make it through this pregnancy safely. I made another appointment, and with the pictures and CD the nurse gave me, I sat outside to wait for my ride.
Ellie had run errands while I was at my appointment. She’d offered to come with me, but I didn’t think it was fair to ask her to wrangle three kids for however long I was inside. I had no idea how she handled them all on her own, to begin with. Even with the twins as young as they were, they were a handful. Although, the more time I spent with them, the easier it was to see why Gage loved Corinne so much. Even at three, she was a big help to Ellie; and she had the sweetest heart and most addictive laugh of any child I’d ever met—it was guttural and came from deep within her belly. She was infectious, just like her mom.
The cement bench was hot. The June sun in Alabama wasn’t at all forgiving. Thankfully, I’d worn a light, flowy bohemian-style dress with tank top sleeves; otherwise, I’d be dying in jeans—not that I had any that fit. This was it. This one dress and Gage’s sweats—that was all I could still put on from the waist down. And if my boobs got any bigger, the dress would be out, too.
When Ellie pulled up, Corinne’s little face was pressed to the window, and her tiny hand waved frantically when she saw me. I got in the passenger side and buckled my seatbelt.
“Eighty, guess what I got?”
I turned around to look in the back seat and beamed at her innocence. “It looks like a sucker.”
“It’s gwape. We went to da bank, huh, Mama?” There was purple goo lining her lips, and she couldn’t be more excited about it when she stuck her tongue out to show me that it had changed colors.
“We did, sweet pea.” Ellie stared in the rearview mirror to talk to her daughter, and it was the most natural thing I’d ever seen—like she was made for the role. Then she glanced at me. “How’d the appointment go? Any change?”
“Not really. I have to go back in three weeks for another ultrasound.”
Ellie reached over the console and grabbed my hand. “It’s going to be okay, I promise.”
I was a nurse; I knew women dealt with this all the time. Placenta previa wasn’t some rare disease doctors didn’t have a cure for. It was an extra detail they had to navigate. Women successfully delivered all the time without complications.
“Thank you for doing all this, Ellie. I’m sure you had a million other things you needed to take care of.”
“Don’t be silly. I’m happy to do anything I can for Gage. And you, too, if you’ll let me.” She gave my hand a quick squeeze before she returned hers to the steering wheel. “Have you called him?”
“No. Not yet.” I stammered over the words I wanted to say to keep from oversharing. “Things have been hard with him gone this trip. We haven’t talked much.” I licked my lips and pulled the bottom one between my teeth.
“You should let him know how things went.”
It was petty and immature not to contact him after the appointment. I had told him I’d call him to let him know what the doctor said. But he knew when the appointment was, just as well as I did, and he hadn’t reached out.
“Gage can be a total pain, I get that…boy, do I get it. And there are times you want to push him into a dark closet and lock the door. But he’s dealing with a lot and had a pretty tough year. He’s excited about the baby. Try not to let the way he acts convince you any differently.”
Staring at the black-and-white photos, twinges of guilt ate at me, and I finally caved once I got home. Ellie was right. Gage needed this as much as I did. Although, I still didn’t call.
Me: PP hasn’t cleared up. Another appointment in three weeks.
I didn’t bother to tell him I’d been told to abstain from sex. He wasn’t even talking to me or in the same state, not being able to have sex was the least of my concern. I’d be happy just to have his attention, his goofy jokes, and his inappropriate comments at this point—a smile would put me over the moon. And I’d kill to have his arms around me.
Sperm Donor: Is the baby okay?
Me: The baby is healthy and doing great.
I stared at the pictures of our little miracle and rubbed my belly. The doctor had asked if I wanted to know the sex, and I refused. It didn’t seem right since Gage wasn’t there. But as I watched the screen, there was no denying this child belonged to Gage and me. Even in utero, the little thing was destined to spread its legs for the camera and show me the goods.
“Somehow, Mommy and Daddy will fix this. And even though he’s mad at me, he loves you more than anything in the world…but watch out for Corinne—she takes a close second.” I giggled as I talked to our little carrot. It was the first time I’d smiled in days.
I climbed the stairs and changed clothes. I hadn’t slept in Gage’s bed last night and wasn’t sure I would again, but definitely not before things got straightened out. It was too hard to smell his scent and see his things and wish he was here only to still be alone. Once I was comfy, I found a blue Sharpie and the crotch shot the nurse printed out. I circled the space between the baby’s legs and drew a line out to the side where I wrote the baby’s gender and a tiny heart.
Then I tiptoed over to his room—like there was someone here who might catch me and spill my secret—and placed the accordion strip of ultrasound images on his bed.
My peace offering.
Chapter Ten
Gage
It was after midnight when I pulled the brand-new Escalade into the garage, right next to my lime-green Wrangler. And while I moved around both vehicles to get inside, I couldn’t help but groan at the thought of getting rid of my Jeep. Even though it was older, it had been my baby for so long. And now that I was about to have a real baby, it was time to find something more practical.
Although, I didn’t dare say that in front of Stevie. She’d get pissy and spring an oil leak.
I’d taken off the doors long ago, and the soft top didn’t offer much in the way of safety. And even though Katie’s accident was “minor,” I couldn’t stop thinking about all the different ways someone could crash. It was a sad day when I finally admitted Stevie had to go. She’d been good to me, and this felt like a betrayal of epic proportions.
I placed my palm on her hood, whispered, “It’s all Katie’s fault,” and then headed inside.
There was almost no point in going upstairs to my room since I pretty much figured it was empty, yet I guess I needed to see it for myself. A small part of me held out hope that I’d find her curled under my blanket. However, when I made it to the door, I didn’t have to flip on the light to notice there was no one in my bed. In the dark, I tossed my bag onto the mattress, along with my T-shirt and jeans, and grabbed a pair of sweats from the bottom drawer. After changing, I quietly went down to the living room and stretched out on the couch.
Which was exactly where Katie found me the next morning.
“Why did you sleep out here?” Her voice was as reserved as her eyes, as if she were afraid of me or my reaction to her waking me. “What time did you get in?”
I scrubbed my hands over my face to wipe away the sleep and sat up. I kept my gaze on the floor in front of me while scratching my bare chest, not sure I was ready to look at her just yet. It wasn’t that I was still mad—I just couldn’t shake the fear of losing her. Granted, I hadn’t done much over the last two weeks to convince her to stay, but if there was one thing I knew more than baseball…it was that p
eople left regardless of how many reasons you gave them not to. She would do what she wanted, no matter what I said or did.
“Late…almost one I think.” I purposely ignored her first question.
“Why didn’t you sleep upstairs?” She was like a dog with a scent trail.
This would be where I’d make a snarky comment, but I wasn’t sure where we stood. And considering the lack of sleep I’d gotten over the last eleven days, humoring her would require more energy than I had. “I laid down to watch TV, and I guess I fell asleep.”
“Oh, did you wake up and turn the TV off?”
I looked at her and cocked my head, confused by her question. “No.”
“Well, it was off when I came downstairs.” She pointed to the black screen mounted on the wall in front of me.
“That’s because I never turned it on. I didn’t say I watched it, just that I laid down to watch it.” I could’ve very well told her the truth—that I didn’t want to sleep in my bed without her—but that would’ve opened the door for her to say we were over.
I’d seen the look on her face before, more specifically, from her cousin, Missy. Back when we were together, she’d curl her top lip the same way, an identical crease running along the middle of her brow, and would stand, just as Katie did now, and blink several times. It often came right before she’d laugh and say, “Good thing you’re pretty.” I used to think it was her loving way of teasing me, but when we broke up, she made it very clear it had never been a joke. And it had never been said with love.
Seeing it on Katie’s face made me want to run.
Before she had the chance to make me watch her walk out the door.
I had no idea what time it was, other than too early to be awake, but I had a game today. So I stood and moved around her toward the staircase, using that as my excuse to leave the room before she could drop a bomb.
“Did you go to your room when you got home?” she asked, following behind me.
“Uh…yeah.” I had to bite my tongue to keep from asking why.
“Oh…” Her voice was so soft and so sad I almost stopped walking.
I made it to the staircase, grabbed the railing for support, and turned to see her over my shoulder. She had her gaze dropped to the floor somewhere between her feet and mine. Out of nowhere, I heard Granny say, “You can stop this right now; you just have to make the first move.” It was clear as day, as if she were right next to me, the same words I’d heard her use a million and one times.
I opened my mouth, but before anything came out, Katie turned around and walked away.
Normally, I hated an early home game right after coming back from being gone. However, I couldn’t help but be thankful for it this time. The strain between us would only intensify my anxiety if I stayed around any longer.
After quickly getting ready to leave, I grabbed my bag off the bed, exactly where I’d left it last night, and headed down to the kitchen. I was starving, but as soon as I opened the fridge, it was clear she hadn’t been to the store at all while I was gone.
“Sorry, I’ve been stuck here, so I wasn’t able to pick up food.” Katie stood in front of the sink, slowly stirring her coffee while blowing on it.
“I told you to take the Jeep if you needed to go anywhere.” This would be a pointless argument.
She’d told me before I left that she didn’t want to drive it; she felt uncomfortable being behind the wheel without a door to protect her. I understood, although her options were to borrow it or not leave the house for eleven days. She clearly chose the latter.
“There was media everywhere. Even if I wanted to go somewhere, it’s not like I could.”
I closed the refrigerator door and turned to apologize for not being here to help handle the chaos. I hated that I had to send my best friend in my place, and he made sure to tell me exactly what he thought of it, too. Although, the stack of papers on the countertop caught my attention and silenced my words or remorse for everything she had to handle in my absence.
“What are these?” I fanned the edges with my thumb while watching her reaction.
“Oh, that’s as far as I got on Granny’s will. I kinda gave up and never put them away.”
I fisted my hands and took several deep breaths to calm down. I didn’t often get pissed, and when I did, not many people witnessed it. I’d learned at a young age how to protect myself, how to keep people from exploiting my fears and using my emotions against me. However, I wasn’t sure how long I’d be able to hide behind the armor I’d once constructed. If she wanted to hurt me, fine. But this was about Granny, someone she claimed to love. And knowing she would abandon her will just to spite me…well, it struck a nerve.
“That’s okay. I can have the lawyer finish the rest of it,” I said, avoiding eye contact.
Katie tossed her mug into the sink. She’d barely taken a sip of the coffee, and knowing how obsessed she was with that crap, the black liquid splatter along the basin startled me more than the alarming sound. I froze where I stood and stared at her, afraid of what would come next.
“Why didn’t you just go to your house last night when you got back?” Her voice shook, and her eyes shone with unshed tears, but she hid her emotion well with her shoulders pulled back and her spine straight as a board. It was like she was ready to fight, yet scared of the outcome at the same time.
Honestly, the thought never crossed my mind to go to my house. I barely remembered I even owned one. This was my home—with Katie, and soon, my baby. The other place was nothing but a building with rooms and a little bit of furniture. This house had a heart, it had a soul. Inside these walls was love.
Fear choked my words when I said, “Because I live here, Katie.”
“Well, maybe it’s a good idea if you stay somewhere else while you’re in town…at least until I figure out where to go. Your silence was one thing when you were away…it’s just plain cruel to make me endure it while you’re here. I get it. You’re mad, you’re hurt, you feel betrayed. I can’t take it back. And it’s not fair to keep punishing me for something I can’t change.”
I wasn’t sure, but there was a good chance the kitchen started to tilt. Like a cyclone, her words sucked me up, spun me around, and spat me out, leaving me disoriented. “How am I punishing you?”
“Where should I start, Gage? How about ignoring me for the last week and a half?”
I dropped my head, the guilt eating me up. I had to get to the field and didn’t have time for this, but there was no way I’d leave now. Not in the middle of this conversation. “I’m sorry. I’ve been in a bad place mentally, and I haven’t dealt with it very well. I’m trying my best, but as everyone knows, my best is never good enough.”
Her gaze softened, as did her posture, though she didn’t move from her spot in front of the sink. “You didn’t answer my calls. You read my texts and didn’t respond. I had a panic attack, and you weren’t there. Instead, you sent your friend. I didn’t need someone else to pick me up off the floor. I needed you. I needed to hear you tell me everything would be okay.”
My chest ached as if her words were curveballs, slamming into the center of my sternum.
“And as if that wasn’t bad enough…I had a doctor’s appointment, and I couldn’t even share it with you. Like you didn’t care. I understand you were dealing with a lot, but it would’ve been nice had you taken five seconds to see that I was, too. We could’ve leaned on each other. Yet you didn’t want to.”
I was such an asshole.
Running my hand through my hair, I took a deep breath and met her gaze. “I avoided you because I didn’t want to hear you tell me that you’d given up. I figured if I didn’t give you a chance, it could wait until I got home, where I could be here to maybe do something to change your mind. And when you told me about the appointment and how the thing didn’t move…” I shook my head, my eyes stinging with the emotion threatening to overtake me. “I just kept thinking I would end up losing both of you. And I couldn’t deal with that
so far away.”
“Why the hell would you think I’d given up? You’re the one who ignored me. I called. I texted. I reached out to you, in case you’ve forgotten. You had no reason to worry about me leaving.” Her accusatory tone nearly slapped me across the face.
“That day we talked, when you told me what had happened to your license and the drugs at the hospital…you told me it was my fault that the whole world knows about your past.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did. You said if anyone else were the father of our baby, you wouldn’t be dealing with this.” I was angry, but more than anything, I was hurt.
“Because that’s true. Everyone is so interested in your life, and because of our relationship, they’re interested in mine, too.”
I wanted to run away. In fact, I was about to do so when Granny’s voice filled my head again, saying, “So help me God, young man, if you walk out that door, you won’t be able to sit for a week.” It was enough to keep me present, keep me here to straighten this out. And maybe…just maybe, she wouldn’t walk out on me.
“It’s no secret that you didn’t want to have my child. You didn’t want to be tied to me for the rest of your life. Hell, you never wanted me here in the first place. And as soon as I started to believe that maybe you no longer felt that way, you proved me wrong. I get it, Katie…you wish you were carrying anyone’s baby but mine.”
Her jaw dropped, and finally, she moved toward me, coming to a stop with her hand on my chest. “No. That’s not true. That’s not what I meant when I said that.”
“Then what did you mean?”
“We were talking about how what we do affects the other. All I was saying is that I understand, because everything about you affects me. I wasn’t at all saying I wish this baby wasn’t yours. As much as I hate the attention…I don’t regret it.”
I held my palm against the side of her face and grazed the pad of my thumb along her cheek. “You mean that?”