by Ellen Lane
Alice swallowed thickly, clasping her hands tightly together as he continued.
“When I bought my first motorbike, she was overjoyed. She couldn’t wait to ride with me, and for a while, she came with me on every occasion she could. I even bought Amy her own helmet. We were planning on taking a trip all the way down to Italy on the bike...our first major road trip together.
“The accident happened when we were on our way home from shopping in a rain storm. Usually, I’d do all kinds of tricks in a bid to impress her, but I knew the storm was dangerous, so I was driving unusually carefully. I stopped right before the white line at a major intersection.” He ran a hand shakily through his hair. “The truck didn’t.”
Alice gaped.
“She was probably killed on impact. The truck slammed right into us - all but crushing her. I was the lucky one. I flew twenty feet through the air and only suffered a cracked spine and a couple of broken bones. My helmet protected me...like I was supposed to protect her.”
Any promise Alice had made herself not to cry flew straight out the window. Moisture was streaming down her cheeks, and her chest felt as if it were drawn tighter than a drum.
“I’ll never forget how she looked that day...so much blood…. all the emergency vehicles. The truck driver kept apologizing and apologizing...but all the apologies in the world couldn’t bring her back. I couldn’t face her family...I could hardly face my family….and so I decided to leave London. It still hurts to come back.”
By the time he finally fell silent, Alice couldn’t help herself. She moved forward to wrap her arms around him tightly, drawing him against her. “Russell, I’m so sorry. So very sorry.”
He let her hold him, and after a beat, Russell even held her in return, his grip so tight she could barely breathe. But Alice didn’t care. If she could give her life to comfort him, she would. Anything to take his pain away.
She knew that she could never replace Amy. The most she could hope for was that her love would be enough to make him see that Russell could trust again - that affection didn’t always have to end in disaster.
“Russell…. I love you.” The words escaped her before she could stop them. “I’ve loved you for a while...maybe since the day I met you. I…” she trembled slightly, taking the chance to lay herself bare before him. “I want you to know you can trust me. Your happiness means the world to me...and I just want you to heal.” She reached up to cup his cheek gently, stroking the beginning of stubble there. He looked so lost...so lonely. “Amy would have wanted you to heal.”
Almost immediately, Russell’s expression hardened. “How do you know what she wanted?”
Alice’s mouth moved in an attempt to find words that didn’t make it past her throat as tears started to blur her vision. “You can’t replace her, Alice. No woman can replace her.”
Alice’s world was falling apart. Alice was dimly aware of rising from the bed as she groped for her purse and phone. She had no inclination of trying to pack her luggage - her only impulse was to get out of the Darwell manor a quickly as humanly possible.
It was hard for her to breathe as she yanked the door to Russell’s room open and hurried down the stairs. She realized far too late that Janeane and Franklin were calling after her, but Alice didn’t stop running. Not in the kitchen, not in the immense main corridor - not until she was outside the Darwell manor and past the main gate, headed for the busy London streets. She barely noticed the blast of freezing air that raised goosebumps on her arms as she raised her arm vainly for a taxi.
At eight in the evening on Christmas Eve, there were none to be found. Indeed, there were very few cars on the road at all.
And so, Alice began to walk.
She pulled her phone out of her purse and dialed the only number she could think to at a time like this.
When her brother answered the phone, Alice couldn’t even manage the apology she knew she owed him.
“Michael?” His name escaped her on a sob.
“Alice!” The elder man’s voice rang with concern. “What’s going on? Are you alright?”
“Can you...can you please come get me?”
How had she bollocksed things up so abominably?
**
It was, without a doubt, the worst Christmas Russell had ever had. Despite the demands of his mother, brother and sister, he didn’t leave his room. In fact, he barely left the bed. He was too busy staring at the ceiling, wondering what the hell was wrong with him. Was he really as broken as everyone attested he was? Was it impossible for him to get close to someone?
Every time he tried, he seemed to sabotage himself.
When he invited Alice home with him for Christmas, Russell’s intentions were golden. He wanted to let her in where he had let almost no one in before. But when push came to shove, and he realized the enormity of what he was undertaking, he felt himself crumbling. He was going places he had never ventured before, and the execution made him acutely uncomfortable.
Everything went perfectly. So perfectly, in fact, that he had been alarmed. Deep down, Russell realized, there had been a part of him that had wanted this meeting sabotaged as well. If his mother or siblings hadn’t liked Alice, it would have been easier to come to terms with his inability to love her.
Even if she deserved that and so much more.
His mother took to her immediately. Alice was polite, and not too familiar - more than that, she seemed to embrace his mother’s very peculiar way of looking at things. Franklin’s frankness didn’t scare her off, and she took Janeane’s blind enthusiasm in stride.
She interacted better with his family, even better than Amy….and that fact had stuck like a thorn in his consciousness. He wanted to be with Alice. He wanted with all his being to be with her - but he couldn’t for some reason. Because of Amy who still held his mind hostage.
Even now, he could remember the way she smiled - the way she laughed.
He’d written letters to her for almost a year after her death, and now he read some of them, and longed for her companionship even more ardently. Things had been so much simpler back then - so much more exhilarating.
“Russell? Please open the door. I’ve brought you Christmas dinner.”
At his mother’s summons - the fourth of the day - Russell finally set the letters aside. The moment he did, he was besieged with the unfortunate words he’d said to Alice- the way she fled as if he had ended her very existence.
What he meant to say, or clarify, was that he couldn’t replace Amy. He didn’t want to replace Amy. He wanted something brand new…but he couldn’t figure out how to feel that, or let Alice know in a way she would understand.
Rising, he crossed the room to the door to open it. He was met with his mother’s small smile. She held a tray of Christmas dinner with a small present she’d wrapped for him. Try as he might, Russell couldn’t bring himself to smile back at her. He merely stepped back and admitted her to the room. Cordelia Darwell entered soundlessly, shutting the door behind her. She waited until she set his dinner on the dresser to speak. “I noticed Alice left yesterday. Did the two of you have a falling out?”
Russell merely frowned deeply before beginning in on his dinner.
He barely tasted it.
“Russell,” his mother continued softly. “I know it’s none of my business...but that girl...it’s very obvious how she feels for you…” She trailed off and Russell merely continued to eat. He knew very well that he was acting like a sullen teenager, but what was he supposed to say to her? That he had driven Alice away and that was what was best for everyone? That he was incapable of loving her, or anyone else for that matter. He had already gotten one person killed. Wasn’t that enough?
“Russell, I know you’re hurting. If you weren’t hurting, you’d be talking to me. The very fact that you’re hurting means that you can’t possibly be what you’re afraid you are.”
“Please, mother.” Russell didn’t mean to be sharp, but at that particular juncture, all he wanted w
as to be left alone. Preferably for the next eon. “I’m fine. I’d like some privacy.”
Cordelia merely stiffened, nodding curtly once before she took her leave. After the door closed quietly behind her, Russell set his tray aside. He didn’t particularly feel like eating. Maybe he would go for a run. Considering that it was Christmas day, he would be the only person on the trails.
But that also meant that he would be alone with his memories of Alice.
He would have to risk it, and hope he survived the gaping chasm where his heart used to be.
The holidays passed in a blur, and not because Russell was absorbed in work or his family. Instead, he was absorbed in his own misery - and nothing he did seemed to temper it. He tried reading the numerous letters he’d written to Amy, but they helped him understand nothing about himself. He ran himself ragged - ten miles every day -and worked out in the manor’s gym until he couldn’t move. Despite their offers of Christmas presents, he avoided his family like the plague and did his best to get back to work.
Even if no one was as prepared to return as he was.
On New Year’s Eve, Lemmy didn’t answer a single one of his calls and Russell, fed up, flung his phone at the nearest wall. It promptly broke into about twenty minute pieces, and an infuriated groan escaped him.
He was losing his mind.
Ever since Alice walked out on him, he couldn’t seem to control the flood of emotions constantly flowing through him. He, who had always prided himself on his calm, controlled exterior. He, who never lost his cool.
Now he was throwing mobile phones at walls, dreaming of women he’d alienated and wondering if he wasn’t destined to tear himself apart.
So, it was no surprise that when a knock came on his door, he barked almost ferociously at his visitor.
“Go the fuck away!”
“Oh, sod off, Russell. Stop acting like an infant and let me in.”
It was Franklin - the absolute last person Russell wanted to see right now. He glared at the door, refusing to answer. It wasn’t the first time Franklin attempted to intrude on his solitude, and it wouldn’t be the last.
Then came the banging.
Despite his lean frame, Russell knew how strong his brother was. “Open this bloody door right now or I swear by all that is holy that I will break it down.”
Their mother would massacre him. He wouldn’t dare.
But he did.
In the next instant, Russell was flinching as Franklin all but kicked in the door in two swift movements. One second, the door was on the frame and next it was on the floor. Russell merely stared at it in shock.
Franklin had done it. He’d actually broken the door down.
The crazy bastard.
He stood in the doorway, glaring at Russell as if he were the one who had done something wrong. He gave his brother a long once over before grimacing. “You look like shit.”
“Get out, Franklin,” Russell growled in warning. “Go away.” It had been years since he’d lost his temper, but at that moment, he was right on the edge.
“I’m not going anywhere until you stop acting like a madman and talk to me.” Franklin declared, stepping into the room determinedly.
Russell snapped, lunging at the smaller man instantly. Unsurprisingly, Franklin dodged past him before tacking from the side. Russell went down surprisingly hard with a loud grunt. “You’re being such a stubborn arse!” Franklin exclaimed, putting him in a very effective headlock as he struggled. Franklin had been captain of his school wrestling teams in both high school and at the university. Once he had someone in a grip, there was little chance they got free.
But Russell had emotional distress on his side. Somehow, he wriggled his way out of Franklin’s headlock, aiming a punch for his face and missing. In another instant, Franklin had him pinned again, and Russell knew that this time, he wasn’t going anywhere. His elder brother merely let him struggle until he went limp, breathing hard.
“Finished?” Franklin added, to add insult to injury.
“Fuck off!” Russell snarled.
“Is that what you told Alice? If so, I can see why she left.” At the mention of Alice’s name, Russell immediately stiffened.
Franklin snorted. “I thought not.” After waiting a moment to be sure that Russell wasn’t going to jump him, he finally released his brother. Standing in a smooth motion, Franklin groped his way to the edge of the bed before sitting down, fixing Russell with his piercing gaze. “Now, you may not want to hear what I’m going to say, but I’ll say it anyway,” Frankly begin sternly. “You’re in love with Alice Tate. It’s the only reason you would act this way. It’s like you’ve regressed twenty years.”
Russell merely glared at him. “I’m not in love with her. I can’t be.”
“You’re more in love with her than you ever were with Amy Murphy.”
Russell immediately bristled. “How dare you-”
“No, how dare you,” Franklin rebutted with enough force to make Russell’s mouth snap shut in surprise. “Amy has been dead for over ten years, Russell. Ten years. How the hell have you convinced yourself that her death was your fault?”
“Because it was!” He exclaimed, his grief all but tearing him in two. “If she hadn’t been riding with me, she would have lived!”
“Russell, life happens. No one doubts that you loved Amy, but what you shared with her was young and idealistic. Alice is a gorgeous, successful, vibrant woman and she’s crazy about you. She doesn’t care what happened in your past - she just wants to be there for your future. Are you going to let Amy rule you from the grave forever? Man up!”
For a long moment, Russell merely stared at him in shock. Of course, he’d never known Franklin to pull punches, but this was, without a doubt, probably the harshest thing his brother had ever said to him.
It pierced through the complicated web of grief and guilt he’d built for himself and forced him back to reality. A reality in which he had allowed his memories of a woman long gone to rule him for a quarter of his life. A reality in which he had somehow stumbled on the only woman who put up with all his bullshit and forced her to endure all his pain and suffering. And then he had let her go.
On Christmas Eve.
Christ, he was worse than a pig bastard.
And he was in love with a woman he didn’t deserve.
“Hey.” He jolted when Frankly addressed him sharply. Russell felt as if a gigantic weight had been lifted from his shoulders - as if he could breathe properly for the first time in his entire life. “Are you going to fix this or not, you bloody idiot?”
Franklin was an asshole - but somehow, he was an asshole that always knew what Russell needed to hear.
“I suppose I am.”
“Well good. I think you should open this first.” With that, he tossed an unopened package onto Russell’s lap and the agent realized it was the package his mother brought him with his Christmas dinner. Of course, at the time, he had hardly been in the mood for gifts. He hadn’t even looked at the tag that told him who the gift was from.
It wasn’t his mother.
He was surprised to find that Alice had gotten him something for Christmas - she must have bought it before the falling out. Attached to the present was a small envelope and now, Russell opened it almost reverently.
Inside, there was a letter from Alice.
Dear Russell,
Happy Christmas.
I have to admit, I’ve often wondered if we would make it this far. I imagine this is difficult for you, even if I don’t know WHY it’s difficult. I can respect it. Everyone is different, and despite the ups and downs between us, I’ve never regretted meeting you. Every moment I’ve spent with you has made me happier than I thought I had any right to be, and you taught me what it was like to be treasured - truly treasured - by a man.
I’m sure you realize by this point how much I love you. I know that it’s selfish for me to want you to love me back, so I won’t ask you to. I’ve realized that I don’t ne
ed to hear those words from you. You show you affection for me in other ways. The way you laugh when we’re alone - the way you look at me when you don’t think I notice. How you bring me flowers and cook for me when I’m sure I look a fright and no one else in the world wants to be anywhere near me.
Seeing you happy lights up my world - and I find I want to erase anything that makes you unhappy.
That being said, you might find my Christmas gift a bit unconventional. You might even be angry with me, but I decided to risk it.
I don’t know what made you decide that you’re never getting on a motorbike again, Russell, but I’m sure we can tackle it together. I myself have never even ridden on one! I’m sure your experience is far greater than mine. But, even if it isn’t, I’ll be with you every step of the way. All I want is to see you smile, and if this can bring you even one slight step closer to eternal happiness, then the risk will have been worth it.
With all my love,
Alice
P.S→ I’ll always be riding right behind you, even when the road’s at its rockiest.
He was a fool.
Such a goddamned fool.
“Where is it?” He immediately demanded, ripping open the package to reveal the key to a new Harley Davidson. After over ten years of wanting to be nowhere near a motorbike, Russell had never wanted to mount one so badly. “Tell me!”
“Hold your horses, Christ,” Franklin quipped, making a great show of cracking his knuckles as he kept his brother waiting.
“Franklin, I swear to God, none of your games!”
“Alright, alright! It’s behind the bloody garage. Be careful. The roads are icy.”
In that moment, although he was still half-furious with the elder man, Russell still managed to flash him a smile. “You know I hate your bloody guts, don’t you?”