by Kamille Rose
Joseph was raising his voice, something he rarely ever did. I knew I struck a nerve.
"Here I am going out of my way to put a smile on your face and make sure you're okay, but you always ruin it. Why is that?”
His jaw clenched and released multiple times.
"It’s because I’m scared!" Is what I wish I'd have said, but I pushed him away. It seemed easier. "I didn't ask you to do any of this. I can take care of myself."
He let out a humorless laugh.
"Really? You can't even walk across the street without your mother practically holding your hand. Sienna, you're 18 years old, when are you gonna start acting like it? Better yet, when are you going to allow yourself to be happy for a change?"
My hands found my hair and tugged anxiously.
"I need a break. I need a break because once you came around, my life did a complete 180. I don't know what I'm doing anymore!" I shouted, my hands flailing about. "I was fine with being a girl who reads books and didn't do adventurous things. But now I’m confused. Now, I’m feeling all these things that I never had before. It's..."
"What things? I might be feeling the same way... just talk to me,” he begged.
"I- Joseph... I can't do this. Maybe my mom was right all along, but I was just too stubborn to see that she's been trying to steer me right. I don't need distractions. Maybe we should just stop —"
"Sienna... don't."
At his words, I felt my chest tighten. He was making this hard for me to do.
"Thank you for the medicine and the clothes, but I think it's best I go."
"Will you at least let me drive you home?”
“I’m sorry, I need fresh air right now..."
At that point I might as well have been talking to the floor because that’s the only place my eyes would focus on. I couldn't bear to look at Joseph, because if I did, he'd have seen the truth. He’d have seen that I wanted nothing more than for him to hold me close and tell me that everything would work out fine. That I was stressing about nothing.
“Bye Joseph.”
Not bothering to put on my shoes right away, I scooped them into my hands and slipped out into the bright light of the early morning. I broke down into tears, and I didn't know if it was because we had a fight and ended our relationship that was never really a relationship to begin with, or because everything he said was one hundred percent right.
Or both.
Needing to talk to Alex as soon as possible, I ran all the way to her house and didn't stop until I was on her doorstep. I knocked for maybe ten minutes before giving up. She wasn't home, so I called her.
"Hey, where are you?"
"I'm sorry, I know I said we’d talk, but I forgot I made plans to study with a friend."
"Don't worry, it's fine. I'll leave you to it."
I really wanted to talk to my best friend, but it was good that she was studying. Alex has never been one to really spend downtime on schoolwork and I was proud of her for changing. Proud of her for learning that it's important to try at something even if you don't think you'll succeed.
Making my way down the steps of her porch, I blew out a breath. Ultimately, figuring out my feelings was something I needed to get through by myself. No one knew the answer but me.
Chapter Eight
For the next week or so, I spent a lot of time on my own. It wasn't that I was avoiding Joseph or Alex for that matter, I just needed a clear headspace to think. Eating lunch in Klein's room helped, and I was able to catch up on the work I let accumulate. Shocking, I know.
When I wasn't in school, I was up in my room either reading or sleeping. A spiritual vacation was what I needed, some time away from the chaos of my world and I made sure to give myself that. Regarding my mother, my goal was clear. This life was my own but for so long I deprived myself of the amazing luxuries it had to offer. Including the affection of a person who cared about me, and it was all because I feared my mother. I was just a pawn in her game, and I could have either let her continue to have control over me or learn how to play the game... or better yet not play at all.
Joseph, on the other hand, well, he was an entirely different story. I didn't realize how much of my time was spent with him or how many of my days consisted of us studying or venturing off in the evenings together until he was gone. He was no longer lighting up my phone with texts asking me random questions like, "what's your favorite sound?" Or "you know the phrase 'best thing since sliced bread?' Well, what do you think was best before sliced bread?"
He wasn't sending me random smileys or memes from his favorite page on Instagram and man, did I miss that. I missed him. I knew what I wanted to do next, but I needed a little encouragement. And I knew just the person to go to for a pep talk.
⋅. ✯ .⋅
Thursday at school.
"Sounds like a case of a rebellious teen," Klein commented, leaning on the front of his desk.
"No. Rebellious teen stage is like fourteen through sixteen. I'm eighteen and I just want my own life!"
He looked at me with his arms folded across his chest. "Have you tried reasoning with your mom?"
"Yes, and the conversation always ends with me being a 'disrespectful child’ I don't get it.” I paced between the classroom door and the edge of Klein’s desk.
“She can hold me hostage in our own home and control my life, but when I want to express my feelings I'm suddenly disrespectful?? Bullshit!" I shouted, slamming my hand on the desk in front of me.
"Whoa now, language, Miss Martinez. It's still school hours," he said, tapping his watch.
"I’m sorry." Feeling hopeless, I slouched into the desk I had just assaulted.
"I won’t tell you that you need to come up with a manipulative plan to get what you want, but maybe try to catch her on a good day?"
“There’s no such thing. She’s always waiting to pounce.”
"Then take that risk. Tell her straight up what you want while being respectful of course, and she'll respect you. She may give you what you're asking for and more."
He just didn't know my mother the way I did.
"As for Vasquez... don't let him go.”
"What? How do you —"
"Every time you present in front of the class, his eyes are glued to you. Kind of like the way my eyes are glued to the TV screen during the Super Bowl.” He pretended to throw a football across the room and taunted the imaginary crowd watching him.
That was why he was my favorite teacher.
“Or the way my eyes are glued to Amelia when she's doing the simplest of things like fixing up her hair. That boy hangs off your every word."
He smiled warmly at his words while my mind flew away to another place. A place I’d been previously terrified to be in, only this time I felt like things could really be okay. Instead of suppressing the feeling in my chest, I wanted it to keep growing. I wanted to know where it’d lead me. Luckily, I ran into the topic of conversation himself later in the day. He approached me as I left my last period class.
It'd been two weeks since we talked, or really saw each other apart from brief hallway appearances. Being close to him again made the sun come out from behind the clouds of my muddled mind.
Joseph stopped in front of me, sliding the strap of his backpack onto a shoulder. “Hi.”
"Hey," I replied.
"How are you?" he asked.
"I'm okay. But you, you look a little worn out." The sunken rims under his eyes were prominent, and I frowned at the sight.
"Ahh... yeah I haven't been sleeping too well," he admitted. I hoped it had nothing to do with what happened between us.
"Why?”
"You know, exams and stuff."
"Right, finals are on their way. I should have warned you that the teachers are merciless around this time. Don't even get me started on the size of our history review."
"Haha. I bet you don't even need the review, you've got this." He gave me a half smile, and I found myself smiling along with him.
&nbs
p; "Yeah, you’re probably right,” I said, with a shrug.
He shook his head, chuckling lightly. "Smartass.”
“When I wanna be,” I quipped.
“So, what’ve you been doing these days? I haven't seen you since..." he trailed off, letting the sentence float up into the air.
"I've been doing some thinking, a lot of thinking. I've also been trying to quickly handle any last-minute prom preparations. Then, there's the foreign language final.” I leaned against the wall of lockers behind me. “I have to create three mini landscapes of each of the countries I chose to study about. As if learning the language itself wasn't hard enough. My fault for trying to be ambitious."
On Joseph's face was the look of intent he always had when I rambled. "Sounds like you're overdoing it. Isn't there anyone who can take your place on the committee for a little while?"
"I don't know. It's usually me who keeps things in check."
"Ask Mariah. I'm sure she'll be more than honored to fill such worthy shoes.”
I glanced down at the shiny tiled floors, feeling conflicted. "Please don’t put me on a pedestal."
"Look at me."
I lifted my head and my eyes traveled to Joseph’s hair, ears, and nose before finally his eyes. They were sincere, dim but sincere. "I'm serious. You're incredible. You deserve a night off, try a few nights actually."
"Why are you still so nice to me when I upset you?"
He sighed. "You didn't upset me. You just frustrated me, Sienna. But I can be frustrated or upset with you and still care about you."
My heart lurched. Could he be any more perfect?
"I'm sorry."
He raised his arm to hug me, but at the last minute opted to soothingly rub my shoulder. "No te preocupes, Mariposa." (Don't worry, Butterfly.)
"Here. Why don't you shoot Mariah a text and ask her if she'd mind taking the reins for a bit? There are only two or three meetings left, right?"
"Yeah. We'll be going over the checklist today. Principal Howard was supposed to drop in, too. Oh, and I know there was an issue with one of the standing speakers, but we may not even need them. At least I hope so... prom is tomorrow night and the last thing I want is for —"
"Okay, this is the part where I tell you to relax." This time around, Joseph didn't hesitate in comforting me. He grabbed both of my cold hands and held them tightly in his, stroking their backs with his thumbs. My body instantly began unwinding. "You’re worrying about nothing. Everything will be great, okay?"
I let out a calming breath and nodded, looking down at our clasped hands. They fit together like a lock and its key. "Alright. I'll text her now." Slowly, I let go of Joseph's hands and pulled out my phone.
Riah ��
2:17 p.m./ Hey. I was wondering if you'd be able to cover my spot in the next few meetings. I may have bitten off more than I can chew with school and things and I'm struggling to keep up with it all.
She responded within a minute, and like Joseph had predicted, she was more than happy to cover for me.
Riah ��
2:18 p.m./ Of course I can, beautiful. I hope all is well with you. <3
2:18 p.m./ Thank you, you're the best. I'll see you soon (:
After pocketing my cell, I turned to look at Joseph. "Thank you."
"For what?" he asked.
"Just- thank you. For everything."
He nodded, smiling a type of smile I'd never seen before. "You're welcome. I'll see you, okay?"
"Yeah. See you."
I watched him retreat down the hallway, unable to fight a smile. There was no way I'd let him go again.
Chapter Nine
With my arm linked through Alex's, we strolled through the mall after school. "Y’know, I actually missed you,” she said.
“Gee, thanks,” I replied with a playful roll of my eyes.
“I just meant we've both been so caught up in our own thing that for once, we had time to miss each other."
"True."
"So, what's the occasion, why are we shopping today? This isn't something you'd willingly do," she said with a small laugh.
"Hey. I happen to enjoy shopping a lot, I just don't do it often. But anyway, we're here because I need a dress,” I replied with a firm shake of my head.
She halted suddenly, tripping me up with her. "W-what did you say? Why are we here?"
A smirk began growing on her face.
"For prom."
"Ahhh! No way, what changed your mind?!?" she screeched, shaking me by the shoulders like a madwoman.
"Easy, easy!” I said, raising my hands. “To answer your question, I've always wanted to go to prom. But as you know, I had to break down the resistance with my mom."
"Right...”
"I've already lost so much time. Joseph is the one who helped bring me to such a realization — that is, after we had a fight about it."
Alex looked at me with wide eyes, as I pulled her into a ritzy boutique. "You guys had a fight? Geez, it really has been a while since we've talked," she commented, making her way to a rack of short dresses as I headed for the longer gowns.
"We made up earlier today. Being away from him hurt more than I thought it would."
Alex did a double take, and I knew I might have slipped up. I hadn't exactly told her about my feelings yet. Before she could think about saying anything on the matter, I hurriedly moved our conversation along.
"But yeah, it was the morning after the family dinner. I accidentally got drunk and didn't remember too much of what happened next.” I pushed through dress after dress, none catching my eye.
“Joseph took care of me and explained everything like the perfect gentleman, but instead of being thankful, I freaked out and said he was just 'some guy' whose house I slept at while being drunk off my ass."
I cringed remembering that morning. Remembering Joseph's utterly hopeless face right before I walked out on him.
"Damn. That's cold, Sienna."
"Don't you think I regret it? I did. I still do. He was just trying to make me happy, but I messed everything up by getting in my head." I forcefully pushed through the end of the long rack, projecting my frustration on innocent dresses.
"What was it he said that made you all wonky?"
"He basically said I needed to grow up and defend myself. Fight for what makes me happy instead of sabotaging myself, which he couldn't be more right about."
Alex loosened her hold on an orange dress with ruffles and turned, training her eyes on me. I could feel her stare on the side of my head. "It's about time someone told you the truth."
"What do you mean?"
"I've wanted to tell you that for years, but I was afraid you'd get upset and kick me to the curb. I just couldn't bear the thought of not being able to eat breakfast at your house every morning."
"Alex Johnson, you are incorrigible," I said, gently shoving her. "I wouldn't have gotten upset. Honestly, with everything that's happened lately, I've grown to appreciate the hard truth much more.
"You want the truth?"
“Yes.”
"You've got to start living each day instead of just passing it. Take a gamble on life and stop being so afraid of what new things will teach you. Also, that dress is ugly as hell. I hope you were joking when you pulled it off the rack."
Well. Damn.
"But I- I like it. It's got a nice old age Victorian feel," I whispered, clinging to a dress I didn't even realize I'd plucked.