He’s right. I need to go see April.
—
The hallway is pastel green. I try not to focus on the smell of disinfectant and the beeps of the machines. I admit, I’m a nervous wreck. I wish I was a better man, able to shake off the anger that still poisons me. But I can’t forget that for nearly five months of my life, I was living a lie, a delusion. Betrayal is a heartless bitch.
I want to understand. I want to move on—with or without her. But the thought of the lies sets off a rage inside me that consumes every neuron in my body. Which means I can’t move on. I can’t forget it. I can’t forgive her. I’m just treading water, not moving forward, just stuck in place.
I have so many questions. So many emotions. How could I have been so stupid? Was everything she said a lie? I don’t know what’s real and what’s not anymore, yet here I am, about to visit her. In my thirty-four years, the only time I was in love was with June—fuck, April—and the thought of her hurt…well, it hurts me. I don’t want her to be hurt. And that alone makes me angry. I should want her to hurt. I should want her to feel the pain I feel. But I don’t. Not at all. And that makes it harder for me to hold on to my rage.
Two armed men are standing in front of room 694. My brow furrows and the hairs on my arms stand up; she must be in more trouble than I thought. “I’m here to see Ju—April,” I say to one of the police officers.
“Name?”
“Mateo Moreno. Or maybe you have me under Matt.”
He pulls a clipboard out and scans the names. He points to something and shows the other man, who then nods. Thinking I have the okay to go in, I take a step forward, but the one on the right extends his arm, blocking the door. “Gotta pat you down, and we’re gonna need some ID.”
“Uh…yeah, sure.” First I hand him my license, and then, unsure what to do, I lift my arms up and the other man pats my legs and my torso. “Okay, go ahead,” he says after he’s done. The other guard hands me back my license.
I take a deep breath and apprehensively open the door.
Machines and tubes are everywhere; there’s a constant beeping. I walk closer and see a blond woman with her eyes closed, a yellowing bruise on her left cheek, the skin around her left eye so swollen I wonder if she can even open it, and a cut along her upper lip. She’s unrecognizable. My heart tightens like a vise and I have to swallow in order to hold back a sob.
I open and close my fists in order to control myself, because this was not the reaction I expected. I’m supposed to be mad. I’m supposed to hate her. Yet I wish I could take this all away from her. The woman I knew and loved was strong. She was tough. The woman in front of me looks absolutely broken.
I don’t know whether to sit or stand. Whether to try to speak to her or let her sleep. I’ve never felt so lost. I’m pacing around the room, unable to get all my emotions in order, when someone walks in.
“Glad you came.” It’s Dean with a brown bag. He sits down in a chair in the corner, takes out a sandwich, and starts to eat as if this is all the most normal thing in the world. “Living off sandwiches from the hospital cafeteria sucks,” he mumbles between bites.
I nod, then glance back at April. “She looks bad.”
“Yeah, she does. But better today than when she first came in a couple of weeks ago. We weren’t sure if she’d make it.”
“And she’s going to be okay?”
“Hope so. Doc said that the worst of it will probably be dealing with the memory loss, but chances are it’s only temporary. She’s starting to remember a few things, like her name and where she grew up. She remembers everything up until a few years ago. She’s in and out of consciousness, and they keep her doped up for the pain. Her arm’s broken, as you can see. Sonofabitch pussy hit her with a bat while her back was turned,” Dean growls, looking like he could kill someone right now. “Maybe it’s good she doesn’t remember it. Evidence shows our girl put up a good fight, though.”
The our girl doesn’t sit well with me, but I ignore it. “That’s horrible. Where’s the guy now?”
“In prison. Won’t be seeing the sun ever again.”
“How can something like this even happen?”
“He was pissed and stupid. Needed to blame someone.” Dean tips his chin toward the bed. “And now he’ll die in jail paying for that.”
“Shit.”
“Yep.” He tosses the bag away and wipes his mouth with a napkin. “I leave tomorrow and might be really busy for the next week. I’ll text you my number but I may not be able to call you back right away. I’ll also text you my girlfriend Lori’s info. She’ll try to help, but she’s in California, so that may not work too well, either.”
“What do I do with her?”
“Your call. But I hope you make the right decision. She doesn’t deserve to be left all alone. She’s a good woman, been through hell.”
“Okay,” I say, because what else can I say? I don’t know what to do here. I’m way out of my depth.
“You can’t upset her, man,” Dean warns.
“This is such a fucking mess.” I grip the back of my neck. “I’m fucking pissed off and now I have to help the person who fucked up my life. Tell me why I should do this.”
Dean looks at me but doesn’t say a word, and it’s because I know the answer to this. Staying is the right thing to do. The human thing to do. To top it off, I have to pretend I’m not mad at her. Because I can’t upset her. How the hell am I going to manage that?
“If I didn’t have to go, I’d stay. I wouldn’t leave you with this. But I also know that even if I was here, she’d need you. She’ll be glad you came. When she remembers, that is.”
I’m not so sure about that. I said some pretty mean things to her. Not to mention I’m still angry and hurt. Things are in no way mended. But seeing her broken this way…I can’t leave.
“Wait—look, she’s moving,” I whisper to Dean just as he’s about to leave.
He walks over to the bed. “She does that sometimes.” He takes her hand and squeezes it. “April? April, honey, you awake?”
She turns her head, her eyes still closed.
“Honey, why don’t you try to wake up, drink some water? You have a visitor.”
She moans softly and moves her head side to side as if she’s battling something deep within. Finally she slowly opens her eyes, blinking a few times, before they settle on Dean.
“Hey there, sleepyhead.” He smiles at her and pushes away some of the hair from her face. “How are you feeling?”
“Not great. Head hurts.”
“I know. Remember Dr. Parker said that you would be experiencing some pain for a few weeks,” he reassures her, and she nods slightly. “You remembering anything? My megawatt smile? The name of your cat?”
She laughs weakly. “You said I didn’t have pets.”
“Good girl. Guess you remember what I said. Hey, I want you to meet someone. His name is Matt.”
She turns her head slowly to me, and I move forward. Her eyes—God, her eyes are so intensely blue. But the way she looks at me, with absolutely no recognition, is like a slap in the face. How the fuck am I supposed to be mad at someone who doesn’t remember who I am, or what she did, or even who she is?
“Remember him, April?”
She squints and looks me over, but there’s not even the slightest inkling of recognition. “I’m sorry. I don’t. Should I?”
April
“He’s your friend, honey. A very good friend.”
“Okay.” I glance back at Matt. I don’t remember him. But I can’t deny the way I feel when I look at him. Dean is attractive, but when I opened my eyes and saw him, my heart didn’t skip a beat and my belly didn’t flip. When I turned my face and my eyes made contact with Matt’s deep green ones, I couldn’t breathe. He is so handsome. But he’s also intimidating and doesn’t look happy to be here, so I quickly avert my eyes.
Dean sits on the edge of the bed and takes my hand. “Remember how I told you that I have to go soon?�
� I nod. “Well, soon is tomorrow. I can’t put it off any longer.”
I don’t want to be scared, but I am. When Dean leaves, I’ll be all alone. I’ve been told I’m a cop and that I was beaten up by a bad guy. This makes me think I’m supposed to be some sort of brave, independent woman. It could’ve been worse—I could be dead. But I don’t feel strong or independent.
“I thought maybe Matt could keep you company, since I can’t be around.”
I nod again and turn to Matt, who still hasn’t said anything. “That’s very nice of you, Matt.” He gives me a weird half shrug.
I’m not sure how I feel about all this, so instead I opt to bury my head in the sand. “My head’s throbbing. I’m…I think I’m going to go back to sleep.”
“April,” Dean warns.
I understand what he’s trying to tell me. I’m supposed to be making an effort. Walking around. Eating. None of which I feel like doing at the moment.
“I’ll walk later,” I promise, then turn awkwardly onto my side and close my eyes.
Matt
“Maybe this was a mistake,” Dean says in the hall. “You’re being an asshole.”
“How? I didn’t say anything,” I reply incredulously.
“Exactly. You didn’t say a thing. Put yourself in her shoes. She doesn’t know you. She doesn’t even know herself. You could’ve at least pretended to be civil.”
“We’ve had enough pretending in our relationship, don’t you think?”
I swear, the man swells to seven feet tall. “My mistake. You are an asshole. Get out. I’d rather she be alone than with you.”
“I’m not an asshole,” I hiss, getting in his face. “This is all strange to me too, you know. I’m trying. I’m here.”
“Fine. One more chance, but if you don’t start to give me warm and fuzzy feelings, I’ll make sure you won’t be allowed to set foot inside this hospital or get close to April. Like I said, she would be better off alone.”
“Fine.” I scowl at him and walk back into the room. Since it’s late in the evening already, I get comfortable, unsure whether she’ll be waking up again. At some point Dean leaves and I doze off.
The sun is barely seeping through the shades when I wake up, cramped from sleeping in the uncomfortable chair. I see Dean walking in with coffee in his hand. “Morning,” he greets me. Then he walks over to April, brushes the hair off her face, and places a kiss on her forehead. “Hey there, April.”
“Hi,” she says to him. I don’t think she even knows I’m here.
“I have to leave for California today. I’ll be in touch, though. But don’t you worry. Matt is going to look after you, okay?”
“And Matt’s my friend, right?”
Dean glares at me over his shoulder and I remember the warning he gave me last night. So I get up and walk to her other side. “Good morning.”
“Oh, hi. I didn’t see you there,” she says, sounding surprised. “I’m sorry, but I just…I can’t remember anything. I know that’s a rude question, but I don’t know you.”
“I know. I get it. But yes, I am your friend,” I say softly, trying to soothe her.
“You both are?”
“Yes. We both are,” Dean reassures her, leaning a hip on the bed and reaching over to give her a big hug. “It’s going to be all right. I promise. I know you’re confused now, but you saw the papers. I’m your emergency contact person. You chose me for that ’cause we’re friends. So you have to trust me when I tell you Matt’s your friend too. He’ll be the one helping you when you leave the hospital.”
The sudden look of terror on her face makes me take a step back. She’s scared of me.
“I…I don’t know. Maybe I can just stay here in the hospital until I get my memory back.”
“Hopefully you’ll remember everything soon,” Dean says soothingly, “but if not, we have to plan, honey. And Matt here, he’s going to help out.”
She looks at me and then shakes her head. “No. He’s a stranger.” She glances at Dean. “You both are.”
“We’re not. It may seem like it, but we’re not. Have I done you wrong since you woke up?”
“No,” she says, and then eyes me carefully before averting her gaze.
“It’s me. You’re afraid of me,” I say in a quiet voice.
“No. I just don’t know you.”
“How ’bout this? I’ll bring you a complete criminal report on Matt,” Dean offers. “Hell, I’ll bring you one on myself. I’ll go to the precinct right now and get them for you. You’ll see he’s not a criminal, that he doesn’t have any unpaid parking tickets, whatever…you think that’ll set you at ease a little?”
Getting an idea, I add, “I have a license to practice law. Not that that makes much difference, but the Florida bar does extensive background checks. I even pay my taxes on time. I’ve never lifted a hand to a woman, no family history of mental illness…You’ll see, I’m just a normal guy.”
She slumps down a little, seeming defeated, and my hardened heart starts to crack, just a bit.
“I know how difficult this must be, April,” I tell her. “But I wouldn’t hurt you. Do you really want me to leave? Do you really prefer being here alone?”
Her eyes water a little, and she sniffs. “No.”
“Okay,” Dean says, “I’ll run down to the station. Be back in half an hour.”
April turns her body and closes her eyes. She’s not fooling me into thinking she’s asleep. But I let her have her time to think while Dean does his thing.
Forty minutes later, Dean’s back with a folder. “I’m in a rush, ’cause I have to catch that plane. But here’s a folder of all of me and all of Matt.” He hands it to her, and she sets it by the foot of her bed, not even opening it. “I’m a call away. I slipped into the folder the numbers of two detectives who can get ahold of me in an emergency. If I don’t pick up right away, you can call them anytime, to talk or even to reach me.”
“Okay.”
Dean gets up. “You need anything, anything at all, don’t hesitate.”
“Got it. Be safe, and thank you for all you’ve done for me.”
He winks at her, then leans close to me and hisses at me, “Don’t fuck her up even more.”
I balk at his insinuation. As if any of this is my fault. Absolutely none of this is my doing. Yet here I am, picking up the pieces and doing my best.
Once Dean leaves and the nurse finishes checking April over, I pull the chair over next to her bed and sit down. She’s been avoiding eye contact with me from the moment she saw me yesterday. It’s almost as if she knows we’re on the outs.
Is she lying? No, she can’t be.
“The nurse thinks you may be going home tomorrow,” I say, pasting on the smile I use at the club, the one that says everything’s cool.
“Yeah,” she says softly. “I don’t remember where that is. Dean left the address for me. I think it’s on the dresser over there.”
“Well, I’m thinking that maybe you should come and stay with me for a little while. The doctor said it could be days, maybe weeks before you get your memory back, and you have a broken arm.”
“The cast comes off in a few weeks.”
“Still, you need help, April.”
“The doctor also said I may never remember again.”
“But he said that would be rare,” I reminded her.
“How about you just take me home and I’ll figure it out?” she suggests nervously.
“Figure it out? You don’t even know where you live. Where the grocery store is. Anything.”
She closes her eyes and presses her thumbs against her temples. Both of us know she can’t be alone and that she has to come home with me. “I’m going to go get some of your things and take them to my house. I also need a shower and a change. I’ll be here later. I’m leaving you my phone number.”
She’s so hesitant—I see it in her body language, in the way she avoids looking at me. “What’s the matter?” I ask.
S
he let out a breath. “Honestly, I don’t know you. You’re asking me to go home with you. A stranger.”
“We’re not strangers.”
“I think I’d rather take the risk and go home. Alone.”
“Don’t be difficult, April. You are in no condition to go home alone. You need help. Let me help you.”
“And I really have no one? I mean, how is that possible? I’m not even sure how you and I know each other. Was I a terrible person? Why don’t I have more friends?”
“I don’t know the answer to that. Probably because you were so busy with work. Maybe it was hard to be friends with a police officer who’s always busy. I don’t know. But we’re friends.”
“Friends? Just friends?”
I can’t just keep lying to her. I need to give her something. “We dated for a while.”
“We dated? But not anymore?”
“No, not anymore.”
“What happened? Did you hurt me?”
Ironic she’d ask if I hurt her. It almost makes me tell her the entire truth. But I hold it in. It’s not time to be an asshole. “I would never hurt you. Not ever. I wouldn’t hurt anyone. We dated for five months and then you broke up with me and I was very hurt for a long time. That’s the truth. That’s why I seem a little distant.”
“And why would you help me? If I hurt you, why are you here?”
“April, you were beaten with a bat. Repeatedly. You’re not in any shape to be alone in your house and fend for yourself. I don’t even know how you can see with that swollen eye. You have to believe me when I tell you you’re safe with me. I’m your friend. What happened between you and me is the past. Right now, all you need to worry about is your recovery. I wouldn’t hurt you.”
Make Me Stay: The Panic Series Page 14