Holly was only fifteen when she found out that her chances of ever getting pregnant were less than ten percent. I wanted to cry with her, but she wouldn’t cry. I wanted to comfort her, but she insisted she was fine. I wanted to tell her that they were wrong and she’d have a baby one day, but she said she had already accepted the news.
When you know someone as well as I knew Holly, then you know when it’s not okay. It wasn’t until a year later that Holly’s despair resurfaced after our classmate made a joke about her own abortion. I remember following Holly off of school grounds. Her tears were uncontrollable, so I held her, for what seemed like an eternity, as we stood on the sidewalk in one of the many cookie-cutter housing divisions.
I cried with her. I comforted her. And I told her that the doctors were wrong. That’s when she said, “I never wanted to have a baby more than the moment I found out I’d never have one.”
I looked into Holly’s brown eyes with all the focus I could muster after so many cocktails. The pain seemed to linger there, as it probably always would. Holly covered my shoulders with my blanket and tucked it under my chin, just the way I liked it. It was too bad about her fertility. She’d make the best mom.
CHAPTER SIX
The Market
“Babe, are you here?” a faint voice called from the living room. It took everything I had to lift my heavy lids.
“You’re still sleeping?” my soon-to-be roomie asked.
I focused on his face then glanced at the clock.
“It’s eleven!” I said. Ugh, my head. What had I been thinking, celebrating my birthday with lethal cocktails?
“Yep.” James handed me a glass of water and some aspirin.
“I partied like it was my twenty-second birthday,” I mumbled with the pills on my tongue.
“Holly told me. I called you three times this morning. You okay?”
“I will be.” I grabbed my phone from the nightstand. Six missed calls, three from James, two from Holly, and one from Telly. I slid back into my sheets.
“Oh, no you don’t,” James said, pulling the covers off.
I tugged them back and whined like a child. “What? It’s Saturday.”
“Marin, we have to meet Jared in an hour. Remember?”
“Shit, that’s today. I need to tell Telly where to meet us.”
“I already called her. She’s good.” He sat on the bed and pulled me into him.
“You did?” What a terrible girlfriend I was, hungover, forgetful, and running late, while he took care of everything. No wonder he didn’t ask me to marry him.
“Uh-huh. Go take a shower. I’m gonna get you coffee and some breakfast, okay? We can still make it on time.”
I looked up at him, pouting my lip, and smelling the remnants of Irish Spring soap on his skin. “Are you mad?”
“About you having a good time with your friends for your birthday?”
I nodded, exposing my puppy-dog eyes.
He kissed my forehead. “No, I’m glad you had a good time.”
Whew. He didn’t think I was a terrible person. Besides, I probably wouldn’t have had so much to drink if I hadn’t been trying to drown my sorrows after the no-engagement blow. But, in that moment, as he held me and helped me overcome my Long Island hangover, Corrine’s words about appreciating what we had now returned to me. James could be holding any woman, making coffee for someone else, looking for a new place with a better person, but he was doing it with me. Ring or no ring, marriage or no marriage, James was mine.
Only five minutes late, we met Jared in the Mission District for the first set of apartments.
“Jared, this is my girlfriend, Marin.”
Jared shook my hand and handed me his business card. “Good to meet you finally. You ready to see some apartments?”
“Yeah.”
“Great, then let’s get started.” Jared motioned us to his car.
“Wait,” I said. “My girlfriend’s coming with us. She should be here any minute.”
“Sounds good,” Jared offered before beginning small talk with James. Jared was handsome and had a certain, easy confidence about him. A no pressure attitude, like he’d be just as happy showing apartments to anyone else. He kinda reminded me of Telly’s on again, off again boyfriend, Will.
“There she is,” I said a moment later, watching Telly as she hurried across the street. Speak of the devil and she will appear. I greeted her with a friendly hug, which she accepted hesitantly. She wasn’t much for affection unless it was a special occasion or before sex with a man, but I imagined not after. Since this was neither, her reaction was quite Tellyish.
James introduced her, and I could feel her temperature rise when she shook his hand. Jared didn’t seem to notice. That was sure to pique her interest. She bit her lip, eyeing Jared, and I knew she was fantasizing about the two of them having a little romp in one of the empty apartments. I just hoped it wasn’t too much of a distraction. She was here to be my real estate expert not to hook up.
The first apartment we viewed was in the Haight-Ashbury neighborhood on Page Street. I was already rooting for it because it was near my current place and in a super cool area. We walked up the stairs to the second floor apartment. The maple colored wood floors and sunlight from the bay window warmed the white walls, creating a golden hue.
I breathed in, exploring the main room. “Ahh, smells like fresh paint.”
“What’s the story with this one?” Telly asked, scrutinizing the place.
Jared consulted the listing on his iPad. “It’s fifteen hundred square feet, three bedrooms, one bath, granite countertops—”
“No fireplace?” I asked. Strike one for the apartment.
“No, but it’s close to Panhandle and Golden Gate Park, not to mention Whole Foods.” Jared’s attempt to steer me back worked. I loved those parks and Whole Foods.
As I explored the apartment, I tried to imagine my life there with James, a combination of his taste and mine, evening walks in the park, Saturday afternoons spent at a café on Haight Street. Just a cozy life, in a cozy apartment. It was definitely in the running until I saw the unimpressed expression on James’ face.
“What’s the parking situation here?” James asked.
“Street only,” Jared replied.
James looked out the window. “The street looks a little crowded.”
“It’s Saturday, baby,” I said.
“Yeah, and we’re going to live here on Saturdays too.”
I pursed my lips at him. Smart-ass. “What do you think, Telly?” I asked.
She shrugged and asked about the monthly rent. “A little steep if you ask me,” she said. “I think you can get a better value in another neighborhood.
“What about you, James?” I asked.
“It’s all right.” He shrugged. “The park proximity is cool, but I’d really like to have a driveway or parking garage.”
“I’ve got some of those to show you too,” Jared said and motioned us to leave. We viewed several more properties, but found something terribly wrong with all of them. Jared and Telly agreed that many of our objections were a bit nitpicky and it’s not as if we were buying a place. So far none of the places inspired me to move, even if I was moving in with James.
For the last viewing of the afternoon, Jared took us to see a top floor condo in the Marina District. No crowded street there. We parked in front of the garage. Two front doors stood side by side, and Jared unlocked the one on the left. We climbed the glossy wooden stairs, every step raising my hopes until we reached the top and I was overcome with excitement. Beautiful crown molding lined the ceiling around the living room. The window took up almost the entire wall, illuminating the room with gorgeous natural light. I could see myself snuggled with James on the couch and reading a magazine on a sunny Sunday afternoon and enjoying a glass of wine by the fireplace on a cold evening.
“This is gorgeous!” I said, running my hands along the crisp white molding.
“Yeah, it’s nic
e,” James said with his hands resting on his hips, surveying the room.
I walked through French doors into the large dining room. My heart raced as I imagined dinner parties with friends and family. The dining room led into the stark white kitchen with a breakfast nook. I was in love.
“This has to be the best use of fifteen hundred square feet I’ve ever seen.” Telly seemed impressed.
Jared winked at her. “Glad you like it.”
I pulled Telly into the master bedroom where we could have some privacy. “What do you think?”
“I fucking love this place. I almost want to make an offer to buy it myself.”
I grinned and bounced around, pulling Telly along with me.
“This is great! I hope James likes it.” Telly and I peeked out of the room and watched the guys discuss logistics.
“I don’t know, but I definitely see something I like,” Telly said.
“Are we still talking about the apartment?” I asked.
Telly ran her fingers through her hair and shook it out, giving it more volume. “I think I’m gonna ask him out.”
“Who? Jared?”
She nodded.
“No, Tell. He’s our realtor.”
“And?” She drew out the word.
“And, if it goes bad then you won’t come on any more of these showings, and I need you here.”
“C’mon,” she whined. “I haven’t been out with a cute guy in so long.”
“Didn’t you go home with the bartender last night?” I asked.
“No.” She seemed appalled that I would even suggest such a thing. “We just made out on the street for a little bit.”
I rolled my eyes and shook my head. In the world of romance, Telly and I never saw eye to eye. And believe me, we’d tried.
“Look, if you really don’t want me to, I’ll back off,” she offered, but I knew it was just a reverse psychology ploy. It worked too.
“Do what you want. I wouldn’t want to get in the way of true love or anything,” I said.
“I wouldn’t worry about that. I just want to have a good time.”
James peeked his head in. “You girls hungry?”
The four of us sat at the bar at Chez Maman, drinking cocktails, browsing listings on Jared’s iPad, and snacking on beef tartare. Telly giggled and nudged Jared with her shoulder. He seemed much more interested.
“What’s that about?” James whispered pointing at the two of them. I glared at him as if to say ‘you know exactly what that’s about.’ He nodded before popping a piece of beef in his mouth.
Jared took his attention away from Telly for a moment. “Are you seriously interested in any of the properties we saw?”
James and I looked at one another. I couldn’t say for sure, but it seemed like the places I really liked, James really didn’t and vice versa. We’d seen a variety of places and my guess was they were the best of the bunch. If we couldn’t agree on one, who knew how long it would take to sift through apartments until we found one we both loved. I didn’t want to compromise, but I didn’t want James to compromise either.
“I think so,” James said. “We’ll let you know what we decide.”
Jared accepted this with a shrug and turned back to Telly. “What about you? Did you like what you saw?”
“Yeah, I definitely liked what I saw,” Telly said. I thought the two of them were going to start making out right then and there.
“Wanna get dinner later?” he asked her quietly. She nodded and bit her lip.
“You guys want to get dinner with us later?” Jared asked as he flipped through emails on his tablet. We considered it for a second before Telly shook her head at us. She stopped and smiled when Jared turned back to her.
“We’ve got to get going,” James said, pulling cash from his wallet and placing it on the bar. “I’ll call you later.”
“Okay, man. See you later.” Jared shook his hand.
I hopped off the stool, wishing goodbyes to both of them.
On the car ride to James’ place, he seemed deep in thought, and I wished I could penetrate his mind. Was he having second thoughts about moving in together? Was he having second thoughts about us being together?
“You okay?” I asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine. You?”
“Uh-huh. You haven’t said much about the tour today.”
“Honestly, I’m a little disappointed. None of those places felt right. I was hoping we’d find something right away.”
Whew. Was that all that was bothering him? What a relief.
“It’s only the first tour. I’m sure there are others.”
“What about you? Did you like any of them?”
“I really liked the last one. I could see us there,” I said with a sheepish tone. I could tell he didn’t like it, though I didn’t know why. It was spacious, updated, and it had a garage. “You didn’t like it?”
“It was nice, but the neighborhood didn’t seem like the best for dog walking.”
I couldn’t disagree with that. The neighborhood was awkward that way, and when I hopped out of the car I realized how canine friendly his street was. As we walked into his building, James’ dog Marvin, let out an alerting bark that boomed through the hallway.
Inside, the hundred and fifty pound Great Dane waited patiently near the door.
“There’s bound to be a place out there for us,” I said.
“There is. I’m sure we’ll stumble on it soon,” James wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. Marvin nudged between us.
“You feeling left out?” I scratched behind Marvin’s ears.
“He probably needs to go out,” James said and grabbed his leash.
The three of us walked the block, stopping every so often for him to do his business. Yeah, Marvin and I had come a long way since the early days. Somehow, he’d warmed up to me and we’d become buddies. I think I even loved the little horse dog, and perhaps he loved me too.
“Why don’t you move in with me?” James asked. Uh . . .
“Don’t you think your place is a little too small for the three of us?”
“Nah,” he said and put his arm around my shoulder. “It’s cozy.”
“It’s a loft.” I cringed.
“So?” He sounded offended.
“And it’s not very private.”
“We’re in love, baby. What do we need privacy for?” I suddenly remembered what happened when you combined your life with someone else. It was just the beginning. Do we move into your place or mine? Keep your couch or mine? Your shower curtain or mine? Your way or mine?
I looked at him, wanting him to let it go. For us to just get engaged, then married, then buy our own place instead of renting something that was temporary. I wanted roots and a foundation on which we’d build our life together. Was that so much to ask?
“You’re right,” he said finally. “We can move into your place.”
“No pets allowed.” Which was a shame. My place was bigger and closer to everything.
“What? You don’t think we can hide Marvin at your place?”
I laughed. Marvin would be impossible to hide any place. There was no easy solution, but I tried not to be discouraged. Maybe it had just been a long day after a long night and a long week. That night I slept at my own apartment, alone.
Chapter Seven
The Other Book
“You okay, Dr. Johns?” my patient Amy asked after sixty seconds of total silence.
“I’m fine,” I said, taking off my reading glasses to rub my eyes. Yeah, I had to start wearing reading glasses, the kind you pull off the rack at the pharmacy, somewhere between aging gracefully and time’s running out (your ass is old).
“You don’t seem fine. Is something on your mind?” she asked as if she was imitating me.
“Amy, we’re not here to talk about me. We’re here to talk about you.”
“Yeah, but I’m tired of talking about me,” she said.
Frankly, I was tir
ed of listening. I gave her the silent treatment.
“Is it about your husband?” Amy leaned forward slightly.
“I’m not married,” I said sternly. Her expression changed with my tone. I didn’t usually speak to patients that way, but she’d hit an open wound.
“Boyfriend then?”
I sighed, pushing my hair behind my ears. “Let’s focus, shall we.” I leaned forward as if to plead with her. “You were talking about the incident at work. It made you jealous, why?”
“I dunno,” she answered.
“Are you usually a jealous person?”
“Eh, yeah, but it helps that I’m not dating anyone.”
“I know what you mean.”
“You do?” she asked, utterly surprised by my answer.
“Sure.” I shrugged.
“Do you get jealous with your boyfriend a lot?” she asked.
“Again, we’re not talking about me.”
“Yeah.” She lowered her head. “It’s just that you’re my therapist right?”
“Right.”
“So, it’s easy to assume that you probably have your shit together, right?”
“Right . . .”
“So how do you do it? How do you not beat yourself up every day over the things you have yet to accomplish? How do you not get nauseous over the prospect of dying alone?”
I took a moment to really think on her question. It scared me. I did beat myself up over the things I hadn’t done, and the thought of dying alone terrified me. Maybe lately, I didn’t have my shit together, at least not the way she thought I did. Amy had a colorful and lively personality. She had everything going for her and yet she struggled with numerous insecurities. I guess I did too. What was wrong with us?
She needed a good answer, one that would inspire hope, for both of us.
“It may sound cheesy, but I have faith.”
“Faith?”
“Yeah, faith that in the end I’ll do the things that really matter and have people to share it with. That can mean a lot of things, because happiness comes in many forms. Sometimes it’s not as conventional as you expect, and sometimes unconventional can be even better.”
The Commitment Test (The Marin Test Series Book 2) Page 5