The Soul Room

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The Soul Room Page 13

by Corinna Edwards-Colledge


  ‘You no have a drink?’ He gestured to my empty hands.

  ‘No. Too much caffeine isn’t a good idea when you’re pregnant.’

  ‘Certo. Good girl, it comforts me to see that you are looking after yourself. You look very well, pregnancy suits you.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘We never really saw much of each other when you were working for me in Terranima. I was so much away, and was aware from your father that you needed time to yourself. Hopefully we can change that now that we are family?’

  ‘I would like that.’

  He looked at me closely but I kept my expression bland and pleasant. ‘My son was very much in love with you I think?’

  I studied his face, it was well-preserved, craggily handsome, and gave absolutely nothing away. ‘I loved him too.’

  ‘But not as much as he loved you?’

  ‘I wouldn’t say that…’ I stammered, I wished I knew what his agenda was; I wished I knew if he did have anything to do with Dan’s disappearance. I felt at a distinct disadvantage.

  He smiled again, and waved his hand dismissively, the gold watch on his wrist flashing in the sunshine that was pouring in through the French doors. ‘Please Madeleine, I am a man of the world. I do not hold it against you, we have no more power over our hearts than we do over the tides of the sea. You were kind to him, and you are bearing his child. That is all that matters to me now.’

  ‘Fabrizio,’ I said a little heatedly, and against my better judgement, ‘your son was one of the loveliest, cleverest and most unusual men I have ever met. I will never forget him and I am proud and grateful to be carrying his – our child.’

  He stared at me again then, long and narrowly through semi-closed eyes. I could see the grief in them he was trying to hide. I hated it, but I held his gaze, wishing I had brought my drink out after all, so I could occupy my hands. At last he broke the silence.

  ‘Do you mind if I smoke?’ He saw the expression on my face and grimaced apologetically. ‘The baby of course; maybe I could go in the garden?’

  ‘That's fine.’

  He got up quickly and smoothly for a man of his age and size and sauntered outside into the garden. I followed him and leant against the patio door. He lit up a large cigar and released a snaking tail of blue smoke past the dark glossy leaves of the Laurel tree behind him.

  ‘How are things for you here, Madeleine? How is the care you are receiving? I hear the NHS is not at its best any more, there are many illnesses and viruses you can pick up from the hospitals here.’

  ‘My care has been excellent and all my results have been good. The baby is strong and healthy and there is no reason why I shouldn’t have a perfectly normal birth. Maybe even at home.’

  ‘But things do go wrong. One hears about it all the time. Particularly – forgive me, you are a bambina next to me but – because of your age.’

  I didn’t answer. He turned away from me and took another deep suck on his cigar. ‘If you were in Italy, you would receive the very best of care. There is an excellent private hospital only a half an hour drive from the vineyard. You would have your own private room, everything you and the baby needed.’

  ‘I have everything I need here, my family, my friends, my home.’

  ‘But not all your family still?’

  The baby turned painfully inside me and I put my hand to my stomach and gasped.

  ‘You are all right?’ Fabrizio’s expression changed instantly, there was panic in it.

  ‘I’m fine.’ I said through gritted teeth. ‘It’s nothing, he just turned that’s all.’

  His expression changed instantly into a self-indulgent smile. ‘He! It is a boy!’

  ‘Yes, I found out at my last scan.’

  He couldn’t wipe the smile from his face. He slumped down onto one of the patio chairs, still grinning.

  ‘You were saying, about my family not all being here?’ I prompted him.

  ‘Eh? Oh yes, your brother, I hear he is still missing. You know the police have even talked to me about it?’

  ‘They’re just trying to cover all avenues, however unlikely. They know he flew to Rome, and with our family history…’

  ‘I have fond memories of your family when you came on holiday, but your brother wasn’t even born when you came all those years ago with your mother and father.’ He smiled kindly. ‘So I see no reason why anyone would think there was a connection.’

  ‘Well let’s just say that the British police are obviously very thorough.’

  ‘Yes, and that is a good thing.’ He said with a conciliatory shrug of his shoulders, ‘What can I say though? I know nothing about it, but I am sorry to see what you are going through.’

  ‘He is my brother, and we were very close. I’ll do whatever I can to help find him.’

  ‘I start to see the qualities that drew my son to you. You are very determined. He valued that in a person, he valued independence of spirit. You must be careful though, you are not Superwoman.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I’m very aware of my shortcomings.’

  ‘Ah now, please, not so hard on yourself! I mean only that you must put yourself and your baby first, and this detective, Nickelby, he seems competent.’

  ‘He is, but he’s also snowed under. His hands are tied until we can find more…’ I broke off and turned away, I didn’t want him to see my expression.

  Fabrizio got up and ground his cigar into the ground. He put his hand on my shoulder. ‘Well if you must play detective, at least let me help you.’

  I turned to face him, as much to get free of his hand as to square up to him. ‘I’d appreciate any help, but I’m unsure of how you could help me?’

  ‘This baby is the whole world to me Madeline, it is all that is left of my favourite child.’

  His voice dropped and he took hold of me again, my hand this time, and gripped it tightly. I fought the desire to shake free and looked back at him as calmly as possible.

  ‘I had such dreams for Sergio, such plans. He was by far the cleverest, much cleverer than me, I know. He could see and understand things in ways I never could – he was like his Nonna. No one knew him as she did, not even his own Mamma. And now he is gone, gone forever and my dreams go with him.

  My daughter is a good girl and will keep the vineyard going when I am gone,’ he started to lose his composure, only a little, but I could see he was struggling to suppress his emotions, ‘but there will always be her idiota English snob of a husband. How can I trust all that I have made to him? This child,’ he released my hand then, but only to lay his on my belly. I felt my flesh shrink from him, wondering if he could feel it too; but he only smiled indulgently. ‘This child is the heir to a fortune, to one of the oldest and most respected vineyards in Italy. Nothing now is more important to me than his welfare.’

  I felt his façade had left him now, he was speaking in earnest, and his slightly jaundiced eyes were shining. ‘If you come back with me to Italy, you will have the very best of care, both before and after the birth. There would be lots of help too, so you could recover after the birth and have some time to yourself. And not only that, I could help you find out what your brother was doing in Italy. A man in my position and standing has many contacts and ways of finding things out…’

  ‘This child is half English and it always will be. Why is being English so abhorrent in your son-in-law but not your grandchild?’

  ‘There is a world of difference!’ He said with frustration. ‘Johnny is a spoiled, and stupid young man. He is not even enough of a man to stand up to Collette. My daughter is beautiful and full of fire, she plays with him like a toy. This child is my flesh! It is my blood!’

  ‘And my blood, and my brother’s blood and my father and mother’s blood.’

  ‘Of course, of course Madeline.’

  ‘You aren’t suggesting we live in Italy full-time?’

  ‘No…’ He laughed a little nervously. ‘No, of course not, only that you make sure he knows where he come
s from, what is his when he is ready to claim it.’

  There was a knock at the door then, clear and insistent. Hearing it seemed to switch something on in Fabrizio and he gripped me by both shoulders, harder than I think he intended.

  ‘Please Madeline, please come back with me, you will not regret it I promise!’

  ‘I’m in the garden!’ I shouted out, trying to keep my voice steady. ‘Come around the back!’ I heard John’s steady tread on the gravel by the side of the house. Fabrizio’s grip tightened again.

  ‘You must come back with me! You will have the best, the very best!’

  ‘Mr Amarena, now what are you doing here?’ John’s sonorous voice made every particle of me tingle with relief and pleasure.

  Fabrizio’s grip loosened and the charismatic smile returned.

  ‘Detective Nickelby. What a pleasure. I was just offering Madeline some help.’

  ‘I see, what kind of help?’

  ‘Help with finding her brother.’

  John sauntered up and positioned himself between me and Fabrizio. It took a lot to resist the temptation to lean against the warm wall of his back. ‘Well I’m sure she’s very grateful, but if you have any help or information, perhaps you could offer it to myself and my colleagues first? We don't want to burden Maddie with any of this in her condition do we?’

  ‘Of course.’ Fabrizio continued to smile, but his expression had hardened. ‘I have no new information. I of course also wanted to ask after my grandchild.’

  John said nothing. The silence gave Fabrizio no choice but to go. He fetched his coat from the living room, came back and stood undecided by the path to the front garden.

  ‘Think about what I said Madeline.’ He said finally. ‘I am staying at the Metropole.’

  ‘I will.’

  Finally he turned and left. I felt myself go faint, but didn’t realise how much until John put his arms around me and half carried me to a patio chair.

  ‘Are you OK?’ His eyes penetrated me instantly, pinning me to the seat. I wanted to grab hold of his face, to kiss him, to take his great hands and rub them against me, and over me, to open his shirt and feel the warmth of his chest against my fingers. How could I ever have thought him ordinary? I wrenched my face away, tired and miserable.

  ‘Yes, I’m fine.’ I said flatly. ‘He wants me to go to Italy with him to have the baby. He says he will help me find Dan.’

  ‘You wouldn’t go with him?! You don’t trust him?!’

  ‘What do you care? I can’t go on like this much longer John. I want to find my brother and get on with my life!’

  He got hold of my arms and turned me around, just as Fabrizio had only minutes earlier. I wondered at how two identical gestures could feel so different, simply because of the person who was giving them. I looked reluctantly into his eyes.

  ‘You mustn’t go Maddie! Promise me that you won’t put yourself at risk like that! I’m doing everything I can, I swear!’

  ‘And what if you are? It’s not enough! It’s not bringing my brother back!’

  ‘And what if he isn’t coming back, Maddie? Have you thought of that?’

  ‘Oh God of course I have!’ I sunk my head in my hands and started to cry. ‘It crosses my mind every minute of every fucking day. But I won’t believe it. I’ve had enough John! I’ve had enough loss and here you are giving me more!’

  ‘I didn’t mean he was dead, but that you need to consider that he might be –‘

  ‘And I didn’t mean Dan, I meant you! You’ve taken yourself away too, and on top of everything else, it’s almost more than I can bear!’

  ‘You don’t understand!’ He got up and brought his enormous fists up to his head, the knuckles white with the tension. When he turned around his face was wild. ‘Don’t you know I’m in agony too? Like you I thought that the loneliness was finally over? That it disgusts me to do this to you?’

  ‘Then why?’ I virtually sobbed out the words.

  ‘Because…’ He gaped with fury and frustration ‘…Now isn’t the time to tell you, it wouldn’t be right. I’m so sorry Maddie, I wish I could make you understand!’.

  ‘Oh God just go! Please go and leave me alone!’ My face sank back into my hands. I sensed him move towards me, felt the heat of his palm as his hand hovered above my head – to stroke me? To comfort me? After a few seconds of unbearable tension he removed his hand and I heard his steps, regular and robotic move away across the gravel.

  For the first time he was waiting for me as I arrived in the room, waiting by the edge of the green-tiled circle, his face expectant and worried. I went up to him, as close as I dared and knelt by him.

  ‘What is it sweetheart?’

  ‘You’re so sad Mummy. I don’t know what to do!’

  ‘Not all the time. You make me happy. Happier than you’ll ever know.’

  ‘But everything else. Everything else is making you sad.’

  ‘I know. But there’s nothing I can do about it.’

  ‘There is something.’ He looked at me oddly and walked off towards the nearest window seat and gestured for me to come. I went over and sat next to him. He turned around then, kneeling up and gazing over the back of the cushion at the sea. It was steely grey, almost indistinguishable from the sky, the dull light of it reflected in his eyes.

  ‘What is it? What is it I could do?’

  ‘You know really Mum.’

  I turned to look out with him and sighed. ‘Yes, there is that. But I’m scared.’

  ‘I know and I don’t want you to go Mummy. I’m scared too, but I’ve thought and thought and I think it’s OK with me.’

  ‘Going to Italy could mean putting us both at risk! How can you say it’s OK?’

  He gazed at me steadily, and it was like looking into the eyes of someone who had lived for hundreds and hundreds of years, not a little boy. ‘Because it’s the only thing that will make you free.’

  I nodded and turned to look out at the ocean beyond the window. Sheets of rain had started to fall, churning up the surface of the sea and making it boil.

  Italy 2007

  When I woke up the next morning the first thing I did was call Fabrizio. I had expected to feel increasing fear and dread now the thing was decided, but I surprised myself with a new-found sense of purpose. I could tell he was surprised to hear from me, had expected to have to go through a lot more persuasion, and this wrong-footed him. I gave him one condition, that I would stay with Nonna and not him. She was only a 20 minute walk from the vineyard, and I knew I would feel intolerably vulnerable in Fabrizio’s house (Nonna was Sergio’s maternal grandmother – a Lazzatti not an Amarena).

  I knew my father would be devastated by the news and that if I didn’t underplay the investigative element of my trip, he would insist on coming with me. It was such a nice morning that I found him having his breakfast in the garden. He was absently throwing his toast crumbs to a gaggle of Starlings that had gathered on the lawn, their feathers iridescent in the early sunshine.

  ‘Dad, I’ve decided to go to Italy for a few weeks.’

  ‘What?!’ He started round as he spoke, setting the Starlings off in a squeaking cloud of black feathers. ‘What on earth for?’

  ‘I want to see Nonna again before the baby is born. I feel I owe her and the family. I’ve felt bad about not going to the funeral these last couple of months, and I’d like to visit Sergio’s grave as well (this part, at least was true) it’s the right thing to do.’

  ‘But you’re nearly thirty five weeks pregnant! Should you be travelling at this time?’

  ‘If I don’t do it now, I won’t be able to get back in plenty of time for the birth.’

  ‘Exactly, why not wait till after? Why not go over then?’

  ‘Come on Dad, I’ll be completely overwhelmed looking after a baby – it’ll be the last thing on my mind. The Amarenas can come over here then if they want to see it.’

  ‘I just don’t understand – why now?’

  ‘I said Da
d, if I don’t do it now it will be too late to fly back. It’s just something I’ve got to do, I can’t explain it. It’s like when I had to go and visit my old Primary school, before I started university. I need some closure Dad,’ I winced at the word, ‘to say goodbye to Sergio properly, to see his family.’

  ‘Come here Maddie and sit down.’ I went over reluctantly. ‘Is this some mad scheme of yours to try and find Dan? To follow up on this Italian connection? Are you hoping to find out? The police are looking into it, there’s nothing more you can do. And I’m his father for God’s sake. If there’s a reason to look for him in Italy, I should be going.’

  ‘If the police can’t find anything, how on earth am I going to? If they thought it was a lead worth pursuing further they would be over there by now.’

  ‘And what if the police find something in Italy, something dangerous. What then? You’d be trapped over there!’

  ‘I’m going to stay with Nonna, and I won’t leave Terranima, I’ll be totally safe.’

  ‘I don’t like it one bit Maddie. I should come with you.’

  ‘No Dad, please, this is something I need to do by myself. I need to say goodbye to Sergio on my own. This child,’ I touched my belly gently, ‘is going to be half Italian, this is his heritage and he has a right to it. We can’t run away from it, we need to face up to it from day one, find out what it is and what it entails.’

  ‘But why must you do it alone?’

  ‘Because you’d be much more help to me here.’ I took hold of his elegant long-fingered hand, so different from my own, and smiled, ‘you could get the house and the nursery ready.’

  He sighed. I knew he was visualising the baby’s room when it was finished, doing the ‘reveal’ on my return. I knew also he was weighing this up against his fears. ‘OK Maddie. You’re a thirty-eight year old woman of sound mind and body and I suppose I have to trust you to know what’s right for you and the baby. But I have two conditions, or I’m coming with you.’

 

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