by Linda Style
“Lucy?” Serena asked. “What’s going on?”
Lucy looked amazingly different, Cole realized. Her hair was pulled back and the heavy makeup was gone. She walked over to Serena and flashed a badge. “I’m sorry I couldn’t say anything. I had no idea you’d go looking for Ryan. We’ve been on this case for nearly a year now.”
Cole told his part of the story to the detectives, then came out and saw Serena lean her weary head against the wall. Her skin was tanned and freckled and sunburned all at the same time; her hair hung wild like a rustic frame around her delicate face. Her lips were dry and her eyes had purple smudges underneath; her clothes were caked with dust.
She was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. The women talked some more, but got quiet so Cole couldn’t decipher what they were saying. He had a feeling it was about Ryan and what was going to happen.
He sat down beside Serena when Lucy left. “It’s over,” he said. “We can get on with our lives. Maybe—”
She halted him. Looked him in the eye. “No, it’s not over, Cole. I have something else to tell you. Something I should have told you a long time ago.”
Cole nodded. “Okay, but I have to point out, nothing that happened back then is going to affect anything. I’m through living my life based on the past.”
Serena took a breath. Easy to say. “I have to say this quickly, Cole, so if you cannot ask questions until I’m done, I’d really appreciate it.”
He nodded again.
“One of the reasons I was so devastated by what happened on the night of our graduation was that I had something to tell you. Something I was excited about and was going to tell you when you returned.” Unable to gaze at him, she kept her focus on her hands, which lay in her lap. “I was going to tell you I was pregnant.”
Cole didn’t move, then abruptly he shifted position to face her. “What?”
She held up a trembling hand. She had to just say it and say it all. “I was six weeks pregnant that night, and after the accident and learning you had been with Ginny, I was beside myself. I didn’t know what to do. Ryan was going through hell thinking he was going to lose one of his legs, there was the funeral for Celine, everything was in chaos and I didn’t know how long you’d be in jail, and all I could think was that I’d have to bring our baby to see you in jail. Aware how I felt having to do that with my own dad, I was horrified. I didn’t know what to do or how to deal with any of it. My mom wasn’t there for support, and in the end, I did what I thought was best for the baby. I gave him up for adoption.”
Turning to Cole, she saw a look of disbelief in his eyes. She bit back the sobs that threatened. “I—I’m sorry, Cole. You were in jail and it looked like it would be for a long time and there was no reason to tell you once I made that decision. I married Brett three months after giving the baby away. I was horribly depressed and needed someone to keep me from jumping off a bridge. He was willing, unfortunately for him. It was bad, and we knew just a few weeks into the marriage that it wasn’t going to work.”
He was still staring at her in disbelief, then, slowly, hurt filled his eyes, which were suddenly clouded with tears. She turned away, unable to bear his pain.
“You gave away our child?” He said the words so softly she almost didn’t hear him. “How could you do that? How could you not tell me? I could have raised him if you didn’t want him.” He shook his head. “All this time I’ve had a son. You not only deprived me of him, but even the knowledge of him. How could you do that?”
Oh, God. Her throat closed and she could barely get out the words. “It wasn’t that simple. I wasn’t thinking of you, I wasn’t thinking of me. I was thinking of our child and what kind of life he’d have with a mother who couldn’t support him and a father in jail. I had no one there to help me make the decision, and I did what I thought was best.” She took a deep breath. “And just like you, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of it and wonder what life would be like if I’d made a different decision. But I didn’t. And I have to live with it. There didn’t seem to be any point in telling you because what was done was done.”
He was quiet for the longest time, then finally said, “So, why are you telling me now?”
She took another breath. “What difference does it make?”
He shook his head resignedly. “None, I guess.” Then he got up and walked away.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
HEY THERE.”
Serena snapped to attention when she heard Tori’s voice. Then she saw Natalia, too. The two friends sat on either side of her. Serena opened her mouth to explain, but nothing came out.
“You don’t have to say anything,” Tori said. “We heard a lot on the news, and the rest can wait till later.” She shrugged. “Or never.”
Serena was glad her friends had come to pick her up at the Prescott Police Department since she had no car, but all she could think of was the look in Cole’s eyes when she’d told him. That and the fear in Ryan’s.
Gazing at her friends, she said, “I don’t have any idea how long this will take. Why don’t you go back and I’ll figure out another way to get home.”
“No,” Natalia said. “You need us.”
Serena couldn’t help smiling. “I know I do. But sometimes, it’s better to face the demons alone. I have to do some real soul-searching.”
Her friends exchanged glances.
“Okay,” Natalia said. “We respect that. But remember, you aren’t the bad guy. Ryan’s his own person. He makes his own decisions. People make decisions they think are right at the time. In the end, there is no right or wrong. Just what’s right at the time for that person.”
“Thanks,” Serena said.
Just then a detective emerged and motioned for her to accompany him.
“We’ll be waiting at the nearest coffee shop,” Tori said. “Call me when you’re done.”
Serena smiled, but her heart wasn’t in it. “What would I do without you guys?”
She followed the detective to his desk in a large open room with three other desks. Cole sat with another detective in the corner across from her.
Oh, God. She lowered her head, unable to even look at him.
COLE FINISHED WITH THE detective, then moved like an automaton in an effort to get away. He went into the men’s room, propped himself against the wall and closed his eyes. He’d had to call up every ounce of willpower not to scream. He couldn’t even begin to digest what Serena had told him. A child. They’d had a child. A little boy. And she’d never said a word. All these years he’d been a father. The father of a child who was out there somewhere, believing another man was his father.
Tears gathered behind his eyelids. Anger coiled in his belly. God, how could their lives get so fricking screwed up?
If he’d only known. Hell, he couldn’t even imagine what their child might look like. Did the boy have a lot of hair like him? Brown eyes like Serena? Red hair, or even dark like her brother? Was he shy or outgoing? Have big hands like Cole, or long slender fingers like Serena?
Suddenly, he felt a sense of loss that he’d only felt once before when his beloved grandmother had died. The worst part wasn’t that he’d been denied the chance to love his son; it was the thought that if Serena had told him she was pregnant in the beginning, when she first learned about it, their lives would have been entirely different. They would have been a family.
Why had she waited to tell him?
He’d no sooner thought it then he realized how horrible the loss had to be for Serena. She’d carried the baby in her body for nine months, gone through labor and then had given him up. He couldn’t imagine what that might be like. His only consolation was in knowing that his little boy had been well loved during that time—of that he was certain.
He went to the sink and splashed cold water on his face. But he couldn’t go out there and see Serena again. His thoughts spiraled. He’d have to tell his mother. She deserved to know she’d been a grandmother. No…she was a grandmot
her. Still.
He came out of the john, but instead of going back to where Serena was, he found a bench halfway down the hall, with a door between them.
Five minutes later, Detective Millford walked out with Serena and said, “You both look like you might want to get out of here and get a good night’s sleep. As soon as I’ve filled out some forms for you to sign, we’ll be done and you can go.”
Serena nodded, then glanced at Cole. She gazed at him a long while, then turned and went away.
He sat there for the longest time, not wanting to think about everything that had happened, yet unable to think about anything else. How had he gotten so involved? Did he still love Serena, or was everything he was feeling born of their shared history?
Just then, Ryan appeared with an officer, went over and said something to Serena, then left again. Cole’s stomach tightened just seeing Ryan. He didn’t deserve Serena’s loyalty, and he hoped she didn’t keep getting sucked in.
For Cole, the problem was just the opposite. He was to blame for everything that had happened to him. Hell, realistically, he couldn’t even blame Serena for making the choice that she had.
Still, it hurt like hell.
A WEEK HAD GONE BY since their desert escapade and Serena felt still in a daze. She went through each day by rote. Open the shop, greet people with her fake smile, close the shop, prepare for the next day. She hadn’t seen Ryan since that night because he’d been taken to the jail to be fingerprinted, and then they’d put him in isolation, since he was working on a plea bargain with state and federal authorities. She’d promised her brother she’d get him an excellent attorney, and she’d already called Tori’s uncle, Charlie, who said it didn’t look good. Ryan might still end up in prison, and with his temperament, she worried he probably wouldn’t last a day before he got someone ticked off.
After what had happened, she had to face some hard facts. What Cole had said was exactly right. She had known it all along, but she hadn’t been able to make the break. Ryan could be right, too. All the help she’d given might have been to assauge her own guilt. She’d always been smarter than Ryan, things had come easy to her, and she’d felt guilty about it. Ryan had taken advantage of her guilt, she realized. Beyond that, she was stricken with remorse. Cole had asked why she’d told him now, and she’d had to hold herself back from saying because she loved him. And because he deserved to know. It was his right.
She almost laughed. She and Ryan were both totally screwed up.
Deciding against a shower, she drew a bath, took off her clothes and sank into the warm water, letting it envelop her, comfort her. But her thoughts kept her on edge.
She couldn’t leave Ryan to face a trial all alone; she had to be supportive. Supportive, but not codependent, she reminded herself.
She still couldn’t fathom all the people involved in the drug and weapons bust, yet it seemed only the little guys had been arrested.
More disconcerting was that suddenly, without Ryan around, her life seemed incredibly empty. Yes, she still had friends and the café, and people were friendly and came in all the time, but her life didn’t feel the same. And she didn’t know why.
Or had it always been like this and she’d just convinced herself that having a home—having roots—was synonymous with security? Was that it? Maybe security was something you had to achieve internally. Maybe her longing for security didn’t have anything to do with where she lived or how she conducted her personal life.
She knew the answer to that, too. The ultimate security was not just trusting yourself, but also in giving your trust to another. She’d never done that. Not even with Cole. The man she still loved. How was she ever going to reconcile that?
The day after Ryan’s hearing, Brody had wanted to visit to console her. She’d told him no, of course, and he’d taken it badly, saying he’d give her time and call again. But she didn’t need time and told him so.
When she finished her bath, she put on some sweats, went downstairs and started preparing the espresso maker for the next day. She was supposed to see Isabella after she closed the café, supposedly to talk about the business since Ryan was indisposed. She didn’t know if Cole had told her about the baby, but she had to expect that he had.
COLE PACED THE KITCHEN, waiting for his mom. A week and a half had passed since everything had happened. A week and a half since he’d seen or talked with Serena.
Her brother was going to get a better deal than he deserved, and the rest of the guys would be in jail for a long time. They’d had the book thrown at them.
He hadn’t told his mother about her grandchild yet, but he planned to. She was probably the only person who might understand how he felt. Even though Cole’s dad had left, his mother had kept him, raised him alone, and he couldn’t imagine that she’d even contemplated doing something different.
He was about to go and find his mom, when she walked into the room. The past week she seemed to be getting cheerier and cheerier. “Hi, Mom. Sit down. I have something I want to speak to you about.”
“If it’s about talking to Serena about the business, she’ll be here very shortly.”
He nodded. “Good. That’s good. How is she doing?”
“Okay, I guess. We didn’t talk, figuring it could wait until today.” She turned sharply to look at him. “Why do you want to know?”
He held out a chair for her. “Coffee’s made. I’ll get you a cup.”
“Serena still cares about you, you know.”
“What? Why on earth would you say that?”
“I saw her reaction when your name cropped up.”
Cole’s gut wrenched. “Believe me, the last person she cares about is me. In fact, I’ve got to tell you something important, and it has to do with Serena.”
He made sure his mother was comfortable, poured her a cup of coffee with milk in it and one for himself. Then he sat and told her the whole story. Oddly, his mom didn’t seem surprised.
“So now you hate her for thinking about the child and not you?” his mom said.
“I don’t hate her. I just can’t forgive her. I never got to see him. Never got to touch him. Do you know how that makes me feel? You had a grandson you never saw. Doesn’t that make you sad? It does me. It makes me very sad.” And angry. He felt his nerves tense every time he thought about it.
“You’re blaming the wrong person, Cole. People do things they believe are right. Maybe they find out later that they’re wrong, but sometimes you can’t fix it. You should learn to forgive if you expect people to forgive you.”
He shoved back his chair and stood. “I don’t expect forgiveness. I know what I did, and I deserve whatever people want to feel about it. This is different.”
“Oh? Why is it different?”
“It’s different because someone took something from me. Just like my dad. I had nothing to say about that, either. He left and you decided never to tell me who he was. I resent that. I always have. I forgive you, but I resent it.”
She moistened her lips. “I know. And I’m sorry. I kept it from you because I was trying to do the right thing by you.”
“How is it right to keep my father’s identity a secret? I deserve to know, don’t I?”
“I love you. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
He sat back down, not understanding anything at all. “Why don’t you just tell me and let me be the judge.”
Closing her eyes, she inhaled, as if bracing herself to do something horrible.
“It can’t be that bad. He can’t have been that horrible, not if you loved him,” Cole said.
“That’s the problem, Cole. I didn’t love him. I didn’t even know him.”
“What?” He pulled back. “I don’t understand.”
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “I didn’t know him. A man I was seeing…He was married, and when he broke off with me, I couldn’t stand it. One night a few months later, I felt so lonely I went to a bar in Phoenix and was with someone. I never saw him after that.
I never even knew his name. And I got pregnant.”
Cole felt his mouth fall open. The air squeezed from his lungs. He heard a faint noise somewhere in the background, but all he could focus on was what his mother had said.
She bowed her head, and her shoulders sagged when she added, “I thought it was better for you not to know. I still think I was right not to tell you. But it’s been a burden to carry all these years. I’m sure Serena’s felt that kind of burden, as well.”
He had no response. None whatsoever.
Then he realized the noise he’d heard was someone at the door. But he didn’t want to see anyone.
A voice rang out. “Isabella? Are you here?”
Serena.
“Yes, just a moment,” his mom said.
His head throbbed, and he stalked past Serena and sprinted out of the house.
“I’M SORRY,” SERENA SAID. “I didn’t mean to interrupt anything. I’ve brought some leftover scones.”
Bella waved a hand. “He’s just upset.”
Serena could only imagine. “Did…did he tell you what happened?”
She nodded. “He told me about the baby.”
Oh, God. But she figured he would, and in a way she was glad. She was tired of carrying such a heavy burden. Now that it wasn’t a secret anymore, maybe she could get on with her life. Whatever that was. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I don’t know what to say except that I was young and I thought I was doing the right thing.”
Bella smiled. “I know. I think you did, too.”
Incredulous, Serena wasn’t sure she’d heard her right. “What did you say?”
“The decision had to be a tough one to make,” she said. “Cole just needs to learn how to forgive. Even himself.”