by Sam Herrera
I’ve seen so much of this world. It’s dark and cruel and so untrue.
It’s the age of greed, hate and lies. But not for you.
My warrior. You have always fought for what is good.
You’ve fought fear. You’ve fought odds. Never mind if it kills you, it certainly could.
You’ve got the soul of a lion and the will of a mule.
You’ve fought like hell against the monsters, so cruel.
I’ve seen you enter a foot-high wall of fire, alone.
You are my soldier. My hero. A king on the well-earned throne.
My warrior. You have always fought for what was good.
You fought fear. You fought odds. Never mind if it kills you, it certainly could.
You did what was right and good, being true, all along.
You amaze me; you are so strong.
Bravo, my friend. Walk with your head held high and let joy be thine.
To be at your side, aiding you, the honor was mine.
My warrior. You have always fought for what’s good.
You’ve fought fear. You’ve fought odds. Never mind if it kills you, it certainly could.
You deserve better than this. You deserve happiness and bliss.
I love you and I wish you well. I pray you find a way past this hell.
Beauty of the Heart
What a shallow thing is the human eye,
Blind to what inside may lie.
All the things we have seen on TV and the music chart
Are nothing compared to the beauty of the heart.
You proved this, my friend, when you came forward
To help us, braving scorn’s icy fjord.
You paid no mind to the taunt and rant
Of mine. I feel lower than an ant.
Wherever you are now, I know you’ll forgive.
You had no hate; it was like sand in a sieve.
What a shallow thing is the human eye,
Blind to what inside may lie.
All the things we have seen on TV and the music chart
Are nothing compared to the beauty of the heart.
I saw your perfect black hair and large doe-eyes,
Thinking only of bait the trap ties.
I have never been more wrong in my life;
You sought only to give help, not strife.
What a shallow thing is the human eye,
Blind to what inside may lie.
All the things we have seen on TV and the music chart
Are nothing compared to the beauty of the heart.
I saw you bear it all: scorn, hate and ridicule.
And finally you looked death in the eye,
The demon you fought, not afraid to die.
How could a heart like yours
Come from such evil seed’s course?
What a shallow thing is the human eye,
Blind to what inside may lie.
All the things we have seen on TV and the music chart
Are nothing compared to the beauty of the heart.
Your beauty was so rare and precious
I can’t take back the harsh words between us.
I so admire you and you deserved that, it’s true.
But you deserved so much more.
You deserved love and kids galore.
What a shallow thing is the human eye,
Blind to what inside may lie.
All the things we have seen on TV and the music chart
Are nothing compared to the beauty of the heart.
I will think of you standing in the stained-glass light.
In the moments before you went forever into the night.
That’s how I want to always see you,
Now I can give thanks for my family, so few.
What a shallow thing is the human eye,
Blind to what inside may lie.
All the things we have seen on TV and the music chart
Are nothing compared to the beauty of the heart.
You have given me back the person I value the most,
Healing my heart, which before, was toast.
I saw no hope until you came along.
And not even then; my bitterness was too strong.
What a shallow thing is the human eye,
Blind to what inside may lie.
All the things we have seen on TV and the music chart
Are nothing compared to the beauty of the heart.
I’m so sorry. I wish I could take it all back.
But you’re gone now, into the black.
I can’t give you, now your life’s at an end,
The title you, more than most, deserve: my friend.
What a shallow thing is the human eye,
Blind to what inside may lie.
All the things we have seen on TV and the music chart
Are nothing compared to the beauty of the heart.
When I was done, and could hold the pen no longer, I just put it down and laid my head on Kyle’s shoulder. Closing my eyes. Breathing deeply.
*
At some point I must have fallen asleep, for when I woke up, there was a cop standing above us.
“Mara Hale?” he asked.
“Yes,” I frowned.
“Can I have a word?” We walked out in to the hallway and I turned to him expectantly.
“We’ve just searched Cielo.” I sucked in a breath and looked pleadingly at Andy as he just came in.
“And? Did you find Michael?”Please God, not my cousin as well. Please!
KYLE
I lay in the bed, my arm fucking killing me. The morphine dulled the worst of it but still…Awww, beep, beep, fucking beep.
“I hate that thing.” Sarah, beside me, nodded, smiling.
“We’ll be out in a few days, hon.”
“Good.” I felt a simmering rage at Kevin, seeing, again, the white bandages over her eyes, her broken nose and watching her needing Cuffy. He was a good dog, well behaved and everything, but still…We both knew even before the bandages had been put on.
“Come here.” She rolled onto her side, facing me, and I reached out to hold her hand, giving it a squeeze.
“Have you heard anything?” I pleaded.
“No,” she sighed, swallowing hard. A movement in the doorway behind me made me look up. Mara walked in with slow, shuffling steps and her eyes on the floor, the cop on guard duty outside the door following her in. I felt a chill, seeing that. She looked up at her aunt, wincing again at the white bandage across her face. Mara was still in her bridesmaid’s dress with her hair loose and tangled.
“Who is it?” Sarah asked.
“Mara,” I told her. She got up and came forward, Cuffy leading the way. Mara squeezed her tightly and pulled away. But not before I had noticed something in one of the hands around Sarah’s back. It looked like a radio.
“I’m so sorry, Sarah, Kyle,” she told us, pulling away. No! Sarah recoiled, swaying slightly on her feet. “But,” she suddenly smiled, “you’re going to have to put up with him screaming at you for his bottle for a few more years.”
“You’re shitting me, right?” I blinked, wide-eyed. I didn’t dare move, didn’t dare smile. In answer, she held out her cop’s radio. Through its grill we could clearly hear a baby crying. Oh, my God. I knew my son’s voice anywhere. I reached frantically for the radio, but Sarah’s searching hands found it before I did.
“Give it to me. Give it to me, goddamnit!” She, disappointed to find that it was just a radio, held it to her mouth. For a second I hated her for it. He needs to hear me too.
“Shh, Michael. Mikey, Mommy’s here. Oh, my God,” she gasped more tears, of joy this time, trickling out from under the gauze. She sat on the foot
of our bed, just collapsing, the relief overpowering her just as it was me.
“He likes your voice, hon,” I smiled around the lump in my throat as I sat down to hold her.
“Of course he does. I love you so much,” she said into the mike.
“When can he get over here?” I asked the cop.
“As soon as possible, sir.”
“Well, hurry up. Jesus, you almost gave me a heart attack,” I glared at my maddening niece. Yes, she’s my niece as well now, God help me. I put my hand on her neck in a mock stranglehold.
“Get off. Couldn’t resist,” she grinned. I bet.
“Don’t do that to me.” I only had time for those few words before Sarah felt for my face and kissed me softly. I tasted the tears on her lips.
“Quit it, you two. You’re disgusting. Seriously, get a room,” Mara groaned. We both smiled ruefully.
“Ah, hem.”Andy Hale stood there, looking awkward.
“I just heard the news. Congratulations.”
“Who is it, hon?” Sarah asked, turning her ruined eyes in the direction of his voice.
“You don’t rememeber my voice, Auntie?”
“Sorry, Andy. It just took me a moment. The two hugged.
“Yeah, can I have a moment with my sister please?” he asked as they parted. Mara sighed and walked out with him. Something was inside me, in my chest, rushing up like a tidal wave. What was it? I didn’t know.
“You okay?” Sarah asked, sensing something was wrong.
“I…I…Get out,” I told the cop. “Get out!”
Looking alarmed, he quickly left. It came rushing out. I burst into tears. It had all been too fucking much, all the horror, all the relief… all of it. Sarah held me, kissing my forehead and stroking my back, as I gave vent to great, wracking sobs. When I was done, we lay back in each other’s arms with her head on my chest and my hand covering hers.
SARAH
I was so happy that Michael now lay in my arms, sleeping peacefully as I cuddled and rocked him, but furious and bitter at that monster, Greer. I smiled as I looked out at the State Building. I inserted the rubber tip of the bottle between his eager lips and beamed ever wider as he sucked greedily. He’d been taken from me, now I had him back. Nothing and no one will ever take you from me again, I promise. In the midst of all my happiness there was some guilt about taking Michael from Kyle. The brief time they’d had together before the two of us had driven home by cab wasn’t nearly enough. But Kyle had been told he needed to stay in hospital and recover properly. I walked to the bedroom, Cuffy leading me, and gently laid Michael in his cot. Knock, knock. I walked downstairs to the door, my new cane leading the way frowning as I felt for the knob.
“Hi, Sarah.”
“Hi. Who is it?” I asked, opening the door.
“Relax, it’s me, Sean.” Sean? Sean? As in Sean Mullen, our preacher, the guy who’d just been about to marry us?
“Oh, hi.” I relaxed and stood back to let him in.
“Nice dog,” he said, responding to Cuffy’s welcoming bark. I offered a beverage, which he turned down, and we sat.
“So, what are you doing here?” I asked.
“I came here to offer what prayers I could.”
“I…”Did I want that? My shoulders sagged. “What prayer? What are you gonna pray for? A prayer’s not going to give me my eyes back, y’know.” I sighed. “Fffffuck.” I had been fighting down this bitterness for a long while. But, remembering the agony of the whole world blazing red and then…black and knowing I would never see my son again for the rest of my life was really starting to piss me off. And now he wants to pray for me?
“God can be good to you. He can turn it all to good. You still have your son and I know your husband still loves you.” I gathered that by his absence. Even as I thought this, I chided myself. He’s in surgery, idiot.
I sighed. “Let us pray.”
“I dunno.”
“Our father who art in Heaven…”The prayer was pretty much what I had expected: God bless, all that. But surprisingly it gave me a sense of peace.
*
I lay back on the sofa, trying to eat, my mind not really on food. I was thinking deeply of all Sean had said to me before he left. He’d stuck around to tell me what exactly I was putting in my microwave and that I was turning the knob to the right time. It felt so weird: needing someone to tell me that. I’d had to take his word that it was some sort of pasta dish, but what kind? What topping? Was there salad on the side? Was what I was putting my fork into a tomato or a cucumber slice? I didn’t know until I actually tasted it. It was pretty weird as well: not knowing what something was until then. Kyle had called earlier to have some time conversing with Michael and to tell me he was fast regaining the use of his arm. Good for him. I sighed and, getting up, felt my way to the bedroom to put on what I thought were my PJs. In bed, I felt for the Braille Bible he’d left me. It couldn’t do any harm just to read it.
KYLE
I sat on the bed, flexing my fingers with an approving nod. It was a day or two later, late in the evening, and the doctors had managed to fix me up pretty good. My arm would be in a sling for a while, but I was okay. I got off the bed, dressed with some difficulty and walked down the hall, out into the open air, smiling at the sight of my family gathered there: Mara, Sarah and Michael.
“Who’s there?” Sarah asked, turning her head towards the sound of the automatic doors sliding open as I walked towards her. A large, white bandage covered her eyes as it always would from now on. I swallowed hard. You’re dead to me, you asshole. I would not even think his name again.
“Hon, it’s me,” I said as I scratched Cuffy’s ear.
Mike stirred at the sound of my voice and gave a little “Blub, blub.”I kissed Sarah and held them tightly, inhaling the perfume in her soft, blonde hair as I buried my nose in it.
“Hello, husband.”
“Hello, wife,” I grinned.
“Hello, Cuffy. Hello, son,” I smiled warmly, looking down at the yawning baby. He’s beautiful. He eyed my sling curiously.
“How’s your arm?” she asked.
“I’m good,” I nodded. “We’re going on our honeymoon,” I told Mara.
“Have fun,” Mara grinned.
“We’re gonna have sex.”
“Right.”
“Ready, hon?”
“What about Michael?” she asked as we walked down to the waiting cab.
“Mara?” I could tell Sarah wasn’t happy about this, but she handed him over to his waiting cousin.
“I have some plans for you no child should sit through.”
“Please,” Mara winced, walking away. Sarah chuckled as I helped her into the backseat.
“Remember what the doctor said?” she asked, indicating her wrapped face.
“Change the bandages every couple of days. Yeah, I will.” I held up the changes as evidence.
MARA
Oh, my God, he is adorable. He opened his eyes a crack, giving me a flash of Sarah’s violets. He’d also inherited Kyle’s thick, blond hair and long lashes. I thought, weirdly, of how Sarah’s face got really flushed whenever she’d had one too many. Michael Thayer’s face was just the same, only more rounded and cherubic.
“It’s great to meet you at last,” I grinned. “I’ll take good care of you, I promise.”
Piss off, his appraising, irritable look seemed to say. I looked in the direction of the disappearing cab. “Look, your mommy and daddy are going on their honeymoon to do…things you shouldn’t find out about for ages.” Mike ignored me, sucking on his thumb.
*
Caleb called me as I sat on the bench outside the hospital, bouncing my cousin up and down as I enjoyed the sunset. Every now and then he would reach out his short, stubby fingers, trying to touch my face. I watched geese fly overhead in a V formation a
nd angled him so he could see them too.
“I’m sorry,” Caleb said. I wiped away threatening tears, loving, even in these dark hours, the sound of his British-accented voice.
“She’s blind,” I sniffed. “He cut her eyes out.”
“Yeah,” he sighed, “I saw it on the news. Disgusting.”
“The news?”
“Yeah, I guess someone in the congregation had his phone out or something. Where are you?” he asked, hearing a duck quacking nearby.
“In the park with Mike. Wanna say hi?” I held the phone out to Mike. He looked at it once then ignored it, not uttering one blub.
“I guess he’s not in a talking mood, huh? Never mind. How are they doing?”
“They’re off on their honeymoon,” I smiled. “I guess it takes more than a bullet and blindness to stop ‘em, huh?”
“Well, I’m happy for them. Sorry but happy,” he added.
“They’re alive and they are happy too,” I said, wiping my eyes again as these damn tears wouldn’t stop.
“Yeah. That will be us someday.”
“Yeah?”
“Hell, yeah.”
“I wish I could see you.”
“Me too, beauty.”
I thought for a moment. “Maybe you can.”
“You gonna fly over?”
“Yes, I’ll be on the first flight over.” I smiled as I hung up and gave Kyle a call.
“How are you?”
“I’m good.”
“Do you know where the Winter is?”
“Sure, we flew over in it, didn’t we?”
“Oh, yeah,” I smiled, recalling. “So, where is it again?”
“You’ve forgotten? It’s round the back of the church.”
“Do you need it for your honeymoon?”
“Nah, I can’t fly with my arm like this, but the Learjet’s fueled and ready to go. Where are you flying to then?”
“My own little honeymoon,” I smiled. I would be on the first flight over, alright. The Winter’s first flight.
KYLE
We pulled up alongside the Learjet, ready to go on the runway. “Where to, gentleman and lady?” Eve grinned at us from the cockpit as we climbed the fold-up stairs of the Lear, grabbed drinks from the built-in bar and chilled on the plush, peach-colored leather. Eve’s smile faded at the sight of Cuffy, no doubt worried about the upholstery. I looked around, with an impressed whistle. I’d never flown as a VIP before.