When he touched my hand and soulfully sang how I held his heart, I knew one indisputable fact.
I was going to have Giovanni Carnevale.
After the concert the first row was loaded out through a front exit and taken to a special section set up backstage to meet the members of the band. I convinced Tawnie we needed to hang back so we could get extra face time with him. She agreed so we graciously let everyone else go first.
I just watched him from afar, falling ever more in love with him by the minute. He answered every question in my heart, and I knew that somehow he had recognized me, like our souls were already mated. He understood what it was like to need someone else to keep you sane. And maybe the reason I had so many problems was because I settled for Ben when I should have waited for Giovanni.
I hoped he would forgive me for that.
By the time we were the only ones left I let Tawnie go first and enjoy her flirty interaction with him. He signed her shirt, he responded to her suggestive comments; he even let her cop a feel. I just held back and smiled generously. I was magnanimous like that. She could have him for a moment, even possibly for a night.
I was going to have him forever. I had no doubt in my mind about that.
He gave me a great big hug when he turned to face me, and I felt myself dissolve into his strong chest that was now covered by a DIB t-shirt not unlike what Tawnie and I wore.
“Thank you for the song,” I said.
“Which one?” he asked.
I just laughed. So he couldn’t show the world yet it was for me. That was okay.
I held up my CD that had his autograph saying, “Make it Happen.”
“Oh yeah,” he said, as if he suddenly remembered. “Absolutely. Words to live by,” he winked and gave me another hug.
Tawnie, who wasn’t quite as generous as I was, leaned in with her hand on his shoulder. “So what do you guys have planned after the show? There’s a really nice bar by my house if you want to check it out.”
“That’s so sweet but we have to make an early night of it. I have to preserve my voice. We still have two more shows to do. Are you ladies going to be there?” he asked, as if he really wanted us to say yes. We both nodded our enthusiastic response.
I couldn’t afford a meet and greet for those shows, but we would definitely be there.
And I knew that each time he sang his new song, he would be thinking of me.
~Andy~
I still felt like hell when I got to the hotel overlooking the Bay in San Francisco. Valentine’s Day had filled the air but I felt anything other than romantic. Around mid-January I came down with the worst flu of my life, which prevented me from flying to Seattle for the DIB tour kickoff. So Vanni and I rescheduled for San Francisco, but I still hadn’t fully recovered – and I didn’t know how to break it to him I may have to stay in my own hotel room just to keep him safe from my germs.
He pouted enough when I couldn’t make it to Seattle.
But it was beyond me. I lay on the bed trying not to run to the bathroom and vomit, glad that the guys wouldn’t even be in town for another couple of hours. I wanted to reach over and order room service but I was too weak to even do that.
I must be in love to put myself through this misery, I thought with a grin, before I nodded off to sleep.
A few hours later there was a knock at my door, which roused me again but I felt worse than ever.
I drug myself up to a sitting position and counted to ten before I attempted to rise and head over to the door.
It could only be one person, and I wasn’t especially excited about his seeing me in this crappy state. Vanni grew immediately concerned the minute he saw my pallor. “Aw, babe,” he said as he gathered me into his arms. With his help I tried to go back to the bed but my stomach had other plans.
I ran to the bathroom and slammed the door between us before he witnessed a final humiliation.
I emerged ten minutes later, positively green. “Andy, baby,” he said as he helped me to the bed. “I had no idea you were so sick. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I did,” I croaked as I leaned against his shoulder. “You pouted.”
He laughed as he leaned in for his trademark kiss on my nose. “That will teach you to give in to me when I pout.”
He laid me back on the bed and cuddled me in his arms. I let out a contented sigh. I had so longed for this the last couple of weeks when I went in and out of flu hell all by myself at my empty house.
It had never seemed empty before he stayed there, but now, without him, it was vacant and sad. Even Simon was depressed.
“I guess lunch with the guys is out,” he remarked as he smoothed my hair. I tried not to gag in response. “Are you going to be able to go to the show?”
“I don’t know,” I told him honestly.
“Maybe just as well,” he said. “We’re still working out the kinks with the dancing girls and the audience participation. Plus we’ve added a piano. It’s good so far but, not as smooth as I want yet. So if you want to just hang out here and sleep, I’m totally okay with that. No pout,” he assured.
And then pouted.
I laughed as I hugged him close. Normally I would have kissed him, and ravaged him the minute he walked through the door, but my body was definitely not my friend these days.
I decided to go ahead and stay at the hotel room instead of go to the first show. I slept deep and hard, like I had been doing for at least a week. I didn’t even notice when Vanni came in at 1:00 a.m., got undressed and cuddled next to me.
Just feeling the warmth of his body pressed up against mine was comforting. So even though I hovered in and out of misery I was glad I came.
By the next morning I even felt strong enough to eat.
We lay in bed and cuddled through the morning, and by lunch, when breakfast had proven a success, he decided to take me out of the room for some fresh air and sunshine.
We went to Chinatown, and even though I felt weak I was able to enjoy our stroll out in the crisp air. I took a backseat to some fans who had recognized him, and we ultimately had to grab a cab and go back to the hotel for any privacy, but the outing had proven successful enough I was able to join the band later on that afternoon.
There I met the aforementioned dancing girls. Katrina Daley, or Kat, was from Hollywood, and had the alternative look to prove it. She was a pixie of a girl, standing roughly around 5’ and weighing less than 100 pounds. She had long black hair with purple highlights and about 15 tattoos that I could see.
Wenonah Geddes was from Vegas and had a long, lithe body and sharp, high cheekbones she no doubt inherited from her Native American ancestors. Her hair was black and straight, and fell all the way to her pert backside.
She too had tribal ink and a toned belly with a pierced belly button.
They were already really familiar with the band, and Felix had a helluva time teasing them mercilessly, something he used to do with me. I noticed that Vanni was flirty too, but after I saw the concert I immediately understood why. They had to pull off heat and chemistry, and when I watched them I totally bought that they were part of his growing harem.
The best part of the concert was of course where he played my song. It made me so happy to hear him sing it that it didn’t even bother me much he sang it to the entire front row. He was still way too familiar with the fans after the show for my liking, but if truth be told it wasn’t just the danger aspect that bothered me.
These girls were healthy, young and sometimes even really beautiful. He’d have to be a corpse not to respond to that. I already knew my Vanni worshipped the female form, no matter big, tall, short, small, thin or thick. And all his female fans, no matter what shape they happened to come in, appreciated him more for it.
There were still the limitations in place to consider. In all his declarations of love, he never once promised exclusivity. In fact, my song even spells out that the promise is only good for the moment.
What about those moments when
we’re not together?
Thinking about it just made me feel sick again. So instead I just waited for him to finish with his fans and covertly followed him back to the hotel.
Because I had done so well all night, Vanni brought out his amorous side the minute we closed the hotel door. Though I still felt fairly icky, I wasn’t going to let that ruin some of the precious minutes we got to share.
However my enthusiasm was decidedly curbed, and after a few minutes it was clear things weren’t going to happen. I knew as we drifted off to sleep he wasn’t that happy about it. He still held me close, his little Andy Bear, and we simply agreed to try again in the morning.
I woke to his hands roaming over my naked curves, and this time I was determined to make up for lost time. I threw myself into the endeavor with vigor, which ended up in a robust tussle that even left him drained.
We decided to go out for breakfast, but our enthusiastic morning exercise took more out of me than I thought. I fell into a dead faint waiting in line for the restaurant.
They rushed me to the hospital, and Vanni stayed by my side, far more concerned about me than being seen with me and having our relationship ‘outed.’
He refused to leave me even in the emergency room, and held my hand as he sat close by while we waited to be seen by a doctor.
He bathed my face with a cold cloth and murmured to me to ease my mind even though I could easily tell he was worried sick, and probably even a little but guilty that I made the trip when I clearly wasn’t healthy enough to do so.
The doctor came in, a young intern he greeted us with a standard smile and, “How’s it going?” which I always found to be rather ridiculous. “I’m great, doc. That’s why I’m in the ER.”
He came over and did some perfunctory examinations. He asked when I had eaten last and how long I’d been ill, what my symptoms were. “When was your last menstrual period?”
That standard question gave me pause. For the first time in my life I couldn’t quite remember. It dawned on me that I should have had one around mid-January, but I was so sick I hadn’t even given it much thought. “Mid-December I guess. It’s been a while.”
He nodded. “Is there a chance you might be pregnant?”
I glanced over at Vanni, who had gone as white as a sheet. Both of us remembered that first condom-less night where we threw caution somewhat to the wind. “I… I don’t know. I guess so. I mean, I take birth control…”
“It’s not always 100% effective preventing pregnancy,” he reminded.
No shit, Sherlock, I thought to myself. But could it really be possible we slipped through that very tiny window of possibility having sex just once, or … several times… without a condom?
“I’ll run some tests,” he said, filling in the gap of my uneasy silence. He patted me on the leg and left us alone to consider this very real probability.
For a long moment, though, Vanni and I didn’t say anything. Finally I said, “The chances are very small that I could have gotten pregnant.” I didn’t know who I was trying to make feel better about that little factoid, me or him.
He just nodded and kept holding my hand, but I could tell his mind was racing. I knew that, because mine was racing.
What in the hell would I do if I got pregnant? To me children were what you had after you were in a long term relationship, married even, older, more financially sound…or someone else entirely.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to have children; I just thought I would get to grow up first myself before I had to think about it.
And before Vanni there was not a whole lot of opportunity to get pregnant. Since I met him, we had been on a sex marathon. With millions of sperm per ejaculation, those few days he was at my house enough troops were deployed to start a whole other country.
It only took one to find its way to an egg to start a new human.
A new human, I thought with a start. One that was half me and half Vanni.
Oddly as scared as I was the idea strongly resonated with me. I knew almost instantly that if that test did show a positive result, whether I had his help or not, I would have kept it. Maybe I wasn’t ready right that second but I still had nine months to prepare. I had a house. I had a flexible career. Thanks to the work I did with Jasper and DIB I even had a small savings that gave me some breathing room. It certainly wasn’t outside the realm of possibility to have a child at 26, and I was probably in better shape than millions of other women just learning they were expectant mothers.
But as I watched the emotions storm across his face I suddenly suspected he was not as confident about the idea.
“Vanni,” I started, “This doesn’t change anything. If that test shows positive I won’t expect anything from you. It’s my choice. My responsibility.”
He glared at me. “How can you say that to me? Do you really think I’d run out on a kid?”
This was the first time he’d even remotely become cross with me. I shrank back against the gurney, and he was instantly remorseful. “I’m sorry, Andy. I’m just… I wasn’t expecting this.”
“Me either,” I said.
He brought my hand up to his mouth for a kiss. “I know.” He sighed as he reached over and brushed the hair out of my face. “No matter what you decide, I’m in this. Okay?”
I nodded and started to cry. God, I must be pregnant. I couldn’t eat. I slept all the time and I had turned into an emotional marshmallow. He immediately scooted onto the gurney and held me as I sobbed.
I expected him to run out the door the minute it opened and the nurse came in.
He stayed, though. Through the blood tests and the agonizing wait that followed. Vanni was quiet, likely taking the approach that until there was something to worry about it was needless to consider the possibilities. So I kept my frenzied thoughts about how to rearrange my life to fit a baby into it to myself. My tiny house had a second bedroom, one that I basically used as an office. I could move the desk out and make it an official nursery. But then again, I might just want to keep the baby in the bedroom with me.
It felt insane to think in several short months I could be a mother. I wouldn’t even know where to start taking care of an infant. Grandma would be thrilled of course. And Iris would have a stroke – especially when she found out who the father was.
If I could tell anyone who the father was. Jasper may have been willing to pawn his child off on Vanni to save his own reputation, but how would he try to rearrange the cosmos to keep his heartthrob rock star accessible to his female fans?
I would have asked Vanni what I could expect but the man looked as nauseous as I felt.
It may have only been minutes, but it felt like we both aged ten years by the time the doctor finally re-entered the room.
“It’s negative,” he said and I could almost feel Vanni’s body crumble in relief. “But you are severely dehydrated and suffering exhaustion. We’re going to administer an IV and I’d like to keep you here overnight.”
I just nodded, too stunned to say anything.
Vanni held onto my hand tightly. He was even able to smile again, like a man who had just dodged a bullet. I too felt a similar relief initially, but later, when I was alone in the hospital room, I started to wonder what the baby would have looked like. Would it have been a son or a daughter? Would it have dark hair like Daddy? Or hazel eyes like Mommy?
Those words suddenly had new meaning to me. I had only had the promise of his child for about a half hour, but that was enough time to acclimate myself to the idea. I knew if I ever had any child I would want it to be Vanni’s. That was what happened when you fell in love, wasn’t it? The next natural step… the thing normal people did.
Just as dishearteningly I realized that it was probably never going to happen because our relationship was anything but normal.
This was just a little too real for the fake world where Vanni now resided. He was no doubt hatching an escape route. This whole experience vaulted us from casual, fun, sexy affair to complica
ted real life.
I already knew how he felt about complications.
By the next morning Vanni came to get me after I was released from the hospital, and escorted me back to our hotel room. The moment we were alone he pulled me into his arms and kissed the top of my head. “I’m sorry,” he said.
“For what?” I asked.
“This was all my fault. I was selfish asking you to ditch the condoms. If you would have gotten pregnant it would have been my mistake, not yours.”
“I agreed to it,” I said. “And I didn’t ever ask again. That makes it our responsibility.”
He nodded and pulled me over to the bed. “Yeah, that’s what I have been thinking about.”
I gulped hard and waited.
“This tour is going to take me all over the country in like five months. After that we’re recording our next album. They’re even talking about going overseas. Things are just going to get crazier from here. We can’t even go to a restaurant anymore. This is not the life I would ever bring a family into.”
“Families do it all the time,” I said softly.
“That’s not the point. I know what it’s like to grow up without a father. If I can’t be there for my kid then that would kill me. But I can’t turn my back on my career either. I put it off long enough already.”
“So what are you saying, Vanni?”
He caressed the side of my face with his hand. “I love you, Andy,” he said. “But I think we need to slow down for a while.”
A tear slipped from the corner of my eye before I could stop it. I cursed it the moment it fell.
“I want more for you,” he tried to explain.
“You don’t get to decide that,” I told him. “I get a say so in the relationship – no matter what kind of relationship it is.”
“You’re still young,” he persisted, and I jumped up off the bed.
“I’m only four years younger than you,” I cried. “But I’ve got more maturity in my little finger than you do in your whole entire body. When I thought there might be a baby, do you know what I was thinking of? How my savings could provide for it and which room in the house to use as a nursery. When you thought there was a baby you were looking for the door!”
The Complete Groupie Trilogy Page 15