by Ron Lieber
You want my kids to get a job? Really? I get that work is good, but where is my kid supposed to get a job in this town?
I’ve heard this more than once. I’ve also heard from parents who want to know what is wrong with the teens (and other parents) in their communities, such that local employers need to hire workers from outside the United States to staff seasonal jobs each year. Aren’t other parents teaching their own kids a work ethic?!
Job availability is highly regionalized, it’s true. But there is nothing stopping teenagers who cannot find a traditional part-time job from inventing their own. Babysitting is an obvious choice, and there are lots of families who would love to hire boys to play with their own male children but cannot find any. So is lawn care. But there are less obvious choices too: starting a meal-prep service or a computer (or other) tutoring business or coaching and training for younger athletes.
Parents who want their own kids to be able to work as teens someday should also do their part by supporting the local teenage entrepreneurial economy. Randy Martinez, who took the author photo on the back of this book, was sixteen when I hired him. I also hired an eighteen-year-old as an assistant for a few weeks when this book first came out. Teens can do way more than we give them credit for, and we should go out of our way to give them opportunities to do so.
There is a pretty big disparity between my parents and in-laws when it comes to house size, number of houses, cars, jewelry, and general stuff. All are generous, but one grandmother is particularly so. Like, something-arrives-every-day generous! This isn’t an issue yet (at least I don’t think it is), but I can easily foresee a day when the questions about imbalance become front and center. Also, the grandmother in question is a nearly pathological packrat and any suggestions to stem the tide are not welcome (and won’t be honored anyway, frankly).
Ah, the “I won’t stop, and you can’t make me!” grandparent menace. This is a tough one, because while you can intercept the packages and try to confiscate them, Grandma will probably ask the kids if they have gotten them and then you’ve been found out. Here’s another possibility though: Tell Mom that you appreciate her generosity, but that as the parent you want to limit the amount of things your kids have (not to mention the clutter). So you will be using your parental prerogative to create a “Two-In, One-Out” rule, or whatever ratio you think is appropriate. For every two new trinkets that show up, one has to go a charity or shelter of some sort or be sold at a tag sale to raise money for a good cause. Hopefully, Mom/Grandma will be happy that she can be as generous as she wants without censure, while you’re helping her grandkids learn about modesty and generosity.
That doesn’t solve the imbalance challenge though. It’s not all that dissimilar to explaining why some friends may have more money than others; different people make different choices about the work they do and where they live, which can affect how much money they have for presents and travel and cars. While the younger children may not understand this at first, it’s worth repeating that the volume of gifts or lack thereof doesn’t have anything to do with how much certain relatives love them. If the kids slip up and say something about it to the grandparents who don’t send as much (or those grandparents sense what’s going on and feel badly that they can’t keep up), take those grandparents aside and remind them that you don’t feel that way at all. If they’re still hurt, suggest that they try to spend as much time as possible with their grandchildren. While it’s not a contest, some grandparents may feel like it’s becoming one, so it will help to remind them that experiences will probably create more long-term memories in their grandchildren’s brains than sending a bunch of stuff in the mail.
I am divorced with two kids, six and eight. I work for a salary at a nonprofit, working with philanthropists with significant family wealth. My ex-husband has never worked and has a very large trust fund. He spends his days traveling and checking in with money managers, and he does not practice philanthropy. Recently, my eight-year-old informed me that he will be very rich when he grows up. I just about had a heart attack. I am completely overwhelmed with the task of helping my children develop a relationship with money that will lead to a meaningful, productive life and a sense of integrity, particularly as the kids shuttle back and forth between these two realities. Help!
It’s hard to know where to start with this, since I feel it so acutely. I’m the child of divorce myself, and while my family did not have the Disney Dad/Mom problem, where one parent has way more resources and is more indulgent than the other, most divorces are marked by at least some big changes in financial circumstance. After all, you’re taking one household and turning it into two; unless you have a lot of money, there are going to be changes. And even if there is a lot of money, some rules are bound to be different at the different homes unless the ex-spouses are doing a remarkably good job of communicating and coordinating.
I turned to Linda Babich Perry for help here. She’s an attorney, family-law mediator, and personal coach. She’s also been through divorce herself, and has been the parent with more and the parent with less at various times. “I let the kids know that neither way is better,” she said. “I remind them that we have lived with and without, and the quality isn’t any better. We still have fun, we still have to spend wisely, and we still contribute to others.”
If you’re at the beginning of the divorce process, she suggests trying to set some guidelines for the future if you possibly can. The goal for most judges and mediators is to minimize any financial disparity. Even if it doesn’t happen in practice, you can try to put something in the settlement agreement or joint-parenting order that calls for discussion and agreement on how you’ll talk about money with your kids and when. It may not be enforceable, but it’s worth a shot just to make it clear that this is important to you and to have some basic principles that you agreed upon during at least one moment in time.
Still, most people find themselves at financial loggerheads with their ex sooner or later. So I asked Perry for a script to use when your ex is spending so much more on your offspring than you that it’s obvious to the kids. The most important thing for exes to convey to their coparents right off the bat, she explained, is that you know that they love the kids just as much as you do and that you are grateful that they make the kids such a high priority. You also want to make sure that your ex understands that whatever acute issue you’re discussing is going to be a teaching moment for those offspring.
Consider a script something like this, Perry suggested: “I wanted to bring something to your attention in the hopes that we can get on the same page. You are more able to provide for the kids financially right now. And while I do not begrudge the opportunities you provide, I want to explore ways that we can teach the kids about being responsible with money. I have been getting a lot of questions from the kids about our different resources and different choices, and I was hoping we could discuss how best to answer them. I think we have an opportunity to teach them about the difference between wants and needs, careful spending and saving, and even donating to causes that are worthy and important to them. If we can teach them about this now, they will be light-years ahead when it comes to managing money on their own one day.”
See what she did there? What’s not said, but is implied, is this: I’m not blaming you for the disparity. I’m not asking you for more money. I’m not guilting you. I’m not calling you names. I’m just hoping we can acknowledge the questions and try to agree on the right way to answer them, because it would be good for the kids to get some practice thinking and making decisions about money. “Try,” Perry added, “to use the language that you once did when you were still married and first dreamed of having kids. Invariably, couples had these discussions, and while the game may now have changed, reminding the other party of what you both wanted might get them to engage. For instance, with my ex-husband, we both said we didn’t want spoiled children who didn’t appreciate what it meant to work hard and
go after something you want. When talking to him, I have used those words and he back at me. It gets you back to a common ground.”
There’s a decent chance that the above conversation will be easier than you anticipated if you approach it this way. The harder one may come when you say no to your child, and the comeback sounds something like this. “Whatever, Dad/Mom will get it for me.”
So what’s the script there? “Once you pull the knife out of your heart?” Perry asked. As hard as it is, she recommends being honest about what you can afford or are willing to buy and why, while also being unemotional and not pulling a guilt trip. “The last thing you want to do is make them feel badly for enjoying what the other parent contributes.”
She also suggests a clever tactic: Just repeat, verbatim, the conversation to the other parent. Remind your ex that this is an opportunity to teach the kids something, depending on how they react and what they do. Sure, they may ignore you and buy the trinket or fund the experience anyway. But it’s worth reminding them that it is normal for children to play one parent off the other during divorce. “In this situation, it might involve something that costs money, but next week it might involve curfew or television,” Perry explained. “Pick something that you know your ex might be more strict on than you. I’m not encouraging manipulation of your former spouse, but if they can relate to you through something that is important to them, then it’s an easier way to get buy-in.”
Expect to have some of these same conversations with any new stepparents too, whether they’re your spouse or your ex’s. “I’m lucky that my new husband now wants to instill the same sense of responsibility,” Perry said. “But at times he too has been more lax, especially when he was trying to win the kids over early on.”
Do parents have an appropriate gauge on whether their kids are spoiled?
Probably not. If yours is a two-parent household, your odds are a bit better, as there is the potential for checks and balances if both parents are not equally delusional. I wouldn’t turn to other family members for an honest assessment here; there’s often just too much emotional baggage. Teachers, guidance counselors, and mental health clinicians are worth seeking out though. This is also a good place for a truly close friend to step in, the kind to whom you can say anything. Ask for gentle but constructive guidance if they have kids who seem to behave a bit better in some instances than your own. Observe their family. What tactics have worked for them that you have not tried? And if you’re sure you can take it without getting offended, seek out some gentle feedback on what you might do differently.
Daddy, does Darth Vader go to private school?
This one comes from a four-year-old boy who is about to start real school himself. I was so taken with it that I published it on my Facebook page to see how other parents might respond. A sampling:
• “Darth Vader doesn’t go to school, baby. In fact, he became evil precisely when he stopped attending school.”
• “Jedi Academy. He studied under Obi-Wan Kenobi. It is kind of a parochial institution.”
• “Darth Vader was homeschooled.”
• “Neither, the Jedi Academy is a charter school, and people argue endlessly about whether its existence is a rising tide to lift all boats or a sign that educational civilization as we know it is ending.”
And here’s what the dad actually did: “I thought to myself, on one hand, I really don’t want him to associate Vader with school. On the other hand, I don’t want to tell him that Vader went to a Sith school and then killed all his fellow students under the tutelage of the emperor. But I blurted out, ‘I’m pretty sure he’s a teacher in a private school.’”
Read on
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Praise for the Opposite of Spoiled
“Lieber’s book is intensely pragmatic, relentlessly anecdotal—and that’s why I loved it. . . . A book that will start important conversations in lots of households.”
—Claire Dederer, New York Times Book Review
“The Opposite of Spoiled is flush with practical ways to incorporate money lessons into family life. . . . Lieber’s style is conversational and frank, with a sense of humor. . . . It’s rare to find a book about finance with so much heart.”
—Associated Press
“In the course of profiling dozens of savvy families, Lieber gives tips on how to talk about money with kids in a calm way. . . . He makes a convincing case that the tendency to avoid the topic is a missed opportunity.” —Wall Street Journal
“An astute book filled with interesting anecdotes and wise lessons.”
—Forbes
“Ron Lieber’s tips are practical, accessible, and, best of all, rooted in the desire to foster an honest dialogue with our children.”
—Heather Stevens, “Balancing Act” column in the Chicago Tribune
“New York Times columnist Lieber makes a strong argument that money is something that children notice and talk about. . . . Lieber’s easygoing style will encourage parents to raise a new generation that’s both confident and compassionate.”
—Publishers Weekly
“Lieber guides parents in conveying the value and significance of money and how to use it wisely, how to spend and save, how to give and invest. Parents will appreciate the sound advice and broad perspective Lieber offers on this important subject.”
—Booklist
“Finally, an honest, modern, comprehensive, and nuanced book about kids and money. Parents report that conversations about money fill them with so much dread and confusion that they change the subject rather than dive in. The Opposite of Spoiled comes to the rescue.”
—Wendy Mogel, author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee
“All of us worry about how to give our kids a proper dose of perspective and gratitude. Ron Lieber’s explanation of how money conversations imprint these good values (and so much more) is just the thing parents need to read right now.”
—Madeline Levine, author of The Price of Privilege
“We all want to raise children with good values, yet we often neglect to talk to our children about money. This engaging and important book breaks new ground by suggesting that the next generation deserves to be better at money than we are. A must-read for parents.”
—Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project
Also by Ron Lieber
Taking Time Off: Inspiring Stories of Students
Who Enjoyed Successful Breaks from College and
How You Can Plan Your Own (with Colin Hall)
Upstart Start-Ups! How 34 Young Entrepreneurs
Overcame Youth, Inexperience, and Lack of
Money to Create Thriving Businesses
Best Entry-Level Jobs: Paying Your Dues
Without Losing Your Mind (with Tom Meltzer)
Credits
Cover design and photography by James Iacobelli
Copyright
A hardcover edition of this book was published in 2015 by HarperCollins publishers.
P.S.™ is a trademark of HarperCollins Publishers.
THE OPPOSITE OF SPOILED. Copyright © 2015 by Ron Lieber. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
FIRST HARPER PAPERBACK EDITION PUBLISHED 2016.
Title page photograph by Hurst Photo/Shutterstock, Inc.
ISBN 978-0-06-224702-5 (pbk.)
EPub Edition February 2016 ISBN 9780062247032
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