“I’m hanging in there…Do you feel like talking?”
“No.”
“Me either.”
Then we realized if we didn’t talk to each other, we’d be stuck listening to Aunt Marilyn go on and on about her diver-ticulitis and the difficulty of finding a good gluten-free bread.
“Guess what Mom’s giving Dad for his birthday?” he asked. “A satellite dish.”
“Sweet! So I guess she’s not making him get rid of all the TVs.”
“Are you kidding? She’s loving the HD. Next week she’s ordering TiVo.”
“Once again TV comes to the rescue. Another relationship saved.”
“Speaking of which, what’s the deal with you and Josh? God, I can’t believe that’s the same kid they had to sew two graduation gowns together for.”
“Maybe you could remind him of that because I’m sure it’s a fond memory.”
“Sorry…But he doesn’t exactly look like he’s cheered up much since then.”
“Well, he is at one of our family functions.”
“No, I think he can tell you’re not into him.”
“Wow. I must be a bad actress if it’s obvious to even you.”
“Why do people always say that to me? I’m Princeton educated, a successful lawyer…”
“A major putz…Nice job playing around on Patti.”
“Is that what she told you?” He chugged the last of his drink.
“Is it true?”
“Let’s just say the score is even at one all.”
“Oh. Sorry. I had no idea…”
“Neither did I…Studies show the husband is always the last to know.”
“I thought you were cheating on her.”
“Yeah. Ten years ago. A one-night stand with Marcy Mann at our class reunion.”
“And that’s it?”
“That’s it. Of course when Patti got wind of it, she milked it for everything it was worth, and now I find out she’s been screwing the contractor…which explains all those free upgrades.”
“And the long delays.”
“Yeah. According to her, he takes forever in bed too. Unlike me who takes Viagra and gets a cowlick.”
I spit out my soda. “We are one hell of a messed-up family. First me and David split, then Mom and Dad, now you and Patti…you think we’re cursed?”
“Who the hell knows? All I can say is, if you ever get married again, make damn sure you’re crazy about the guy. It sucks when one of you starts out with one foot out the door.”
“Like you?”
“No. Patti.”
“I’m sorry, Phillip.” I hugged him. “I really am.”
Chapter 29
Robyn’s Rules of Break-ups
Rule # 1. Don’t say, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Everyone knows it’s crap because they’ve used the same line themselves.
Rule # 2. Don’t do it on an empty stomach. Otherwise all you’ll think about is food and if the dumpee is just as hungry, you’ll end up at a diner listening to why you should stay together.
Rule # 3. Do the break-up on neutral territory, like Switzerland or a place with easy-offs, like the New York State Thruway. The key is a quick getaway.
Rule # 4. Don’t ask for a loan.
Rule # 5. Don’t have sex because it leaves the door open and you’re not coming back, unless it’s to see about that loan.
SO WHAT DID I DO when I broke up with Josh (which should have been easy since we were a couple for less time than it takes to get a reservation at Nobu )? I broke the rules.
I swore to him the problem was me. That I was too stressed out from my crazy life to dedicate myself to a serious relationship. I did it at his place before dinner and happened to mention needing a small amount of cash to tide me over until payday. I even told him not to give up on me because when I got back from LA, I would probably want to try again.
Lucky for me, he didn’t buy a word of it. In fact, he started yelling that he couldn’t understand how I could do this when I’d hardly given us a chance, and if I was so sure this wasn’t going to work, why had I agreed to see Paris with him in August?
Easy. I’d never been there…and it was proof of my good intentions.
Then came his scorpion dagger. If I thought I could dump him so I’d be able to chase Ken, I was wasting my time because he knew for a fact that Ken was going to try to win Mira back.
“He told you that?” I gulped.
“Yeah. We agreed on a secret plan that day at the shivah walk. He would go after her, and I would go after you.”
“You had a secret plan? Why wasn’t I consulted?”
“Thus the name. Secret plan.”
“Well, then here’s a little secret for you. I went to this psychic who said she saw me married to Ken.”
“You went to a psychic?”
“Yes.” Uh oh. What if predictions were like birthday wishes? If you told anyone, the wishes wouldn’t come true.
“You had so little faith in me?” Josh pouted.
“No, I had so little faith in me.” There’s that pesky Rule #1 again.
“Oh, that’s crap and you know it. It’s bad enough you’re walking away from a great thing. Don’t lie on top of that.”
“Fine. I’m sorry. The truth is I have been in love with Ken since I ran into him in college.”
“And I’ve had a mad crush on you since junior high.”
“Well, I know deep down, no matter what he says about Mira, he has a crush on me too.”
“Really? How?”
“Because you can just tell the way someone makes love to you.” You idiot!
“You guys had sex? Damn him! When?”
“Last week.”
“I can’t believe he did that. He promised he wouldn’t.”
“Are you serious? You made a pact that involved my not having sex? How dare you?”
“Oh you could have sex. Just not with him…God, this pisses me off…The only reason you’re dumping me is because you think now he’s going to forget about Mira.”
“No…yes…maybe.” I started to cry.
“Not the tears, Robyn. Please. I can’t handle the tears…”
“I’m sorry…You have every right to hate me. I am being such an asshole.”
“I don’t hate you. I’m just jealous as hell…So now what’s the deal with you two?”
I shrugged.
“He disappeared on you again?”
“Like the great Houdini.” I sighed. “I mean we talk on line all the time, but we haven’t seen each other since we…Oh my God. I am such a putz.”
“I know. Maybe you should go.”
“Really?”
“No.” He kissed me so sweetly I felt aroused. “I think you should let me fool around with you. Like a consolation prize…‘Sorry, Josh. You don’t go home tonight’s winner, but enjoy this brand new washer/dryer and a farewell fling with Robyn!’”
“Don’t,” I said as he kissed my neck. “You deserve better.”
“And so do you…Ken is not worthy of you.”
I kissed him back for being so nice. Maybe this would be like a wine tasting. The second sip would be more satisfying. On the other hand, did I really want to break Rule #5?
No, I did not. I would limit this little good-bye party to kissing and groping, which was a good thing. For when I was leaving, we mutually agreed to face the inevitable. I was in love with Ken and though Josh still had feelings for me, he couldn’t deny that dating the very desirable Julia might be very exciting.
Wouldn’t you know it? The next day he seized the moment and hooked up with her, only to later learn that they were having so much fun together, they both warned me not to even think of changing my mind about Josh as their relationship had potential. A merger of horses and houses and a passion for travel.
Good for them, I thought. Now if only I could be that lucky. But no. My love interest only thought of us as friends. No wonder I couldn’t sleep, eat, or focus. Hell. I was so depressed,
I couldn’t even remember the sequence of steps to apply Gretchen’s foundation.
Which was why the last thing I expected was good news to interrupt the broadcast. But there it was. An out-of-the-blue phone call from a development guy at Showtime who said that my pilot script was so original and hilarious, they were willing to pay my way to the coast so I could interview agents who could represent me at the negotiations (in real life, this Never happens).
Only deal was, I had to jump on this within the next week because they wanted to announce the deal at the upcoming cable convention. Within the week? It would take me a month to find the nerve to tell Gretchen I needed a few days off.
“The hell with that dame,” my mother scoffed. “Talk to Simple Simon. He owes us big time for saving Sierra.”
Sure enough, Simon was so appreciative of my mother’s intervention (another first), he approved a one-month leave to see if I could make a go of my new career. Even Gretchen wished me well and thanked me for my years of service with a new set of luggage filled with designer clothes (so what if they were property of the show, how often does someone give you Dior?).
But the best send-off came from Julia and Josh, who planned a surprise dinner at Josh’s place the night before I was to leave. And though the guest list was an eclectic mix of family and friends, and the good luck gifts were amazing (I scored an iPoD and a new cell phone), pitiful me spent half the night with my eyes on the front door.
“I invited him.” The intuitive Josh handed me a drink. “It’s just that this was kind of last minute and he had physical therapy at seven. I’m sure he’ll try to stop by.”
“No, he won’t.” I sighed. “We’re obviously just friends with benefits. He doesn’t have to do any of the obligatory stuff.”
“Ten bucks says you’re wrong.”
“Save your money. You’ll need it to keep Julia in fur.”
My head said don’t, but in the game of love, a heart beats the head. Even though I was only a few blocks from home, I was feeling the need to invest big bucks in a cab ride to Ken’s, though I had no idea what I’d say when I got there.
Only to discover my expensive joyride might be joyless in the end. It wasn’t even ten-thirty but from outside his building I could see that his apartment was dark. Was he asleep? Or worse yet, asleep with another?
Ring the bell…No don’t…You’re a coward…You’re a fool…You spent all this money to get here. Ah, but what is the price of pride? What a time for my head and my heart to declare war. If not for the need to pee, I would have left. Then I heard a voice behind me.
“Sorry, little girl. The ride’s closed.”
“Oh my God!” I jumped. “You scared me. I didn’t even hear you.”
“I know. Everyone but me misses my cane.”
“I’m sorry. I should have called you,” we said in unison. Then, “Great minds think alike.”
“Ladies first.” He dug his hands into his jean jacket.
“No, it’s okay. I was just stopping by because…actually, I don’t know.”
“It’s okay. I’m glad you did. I wanted to wish you good luck and also you left a bra here.”
“I did? And you know it’s mine because it’s a La Perla?”
“No, because it’s a training bra.”
“You are so mean.” I smacked his arm.
“So they say.” He laughed. “Anyway…I really am sorry I missed your party…I planned to go. Then everything got messed up.”
“What else is new?”
“What does that mean?”
“Nothing. It means that shit happens. I get it.”
“Tell me about it. Physical therapy ran late, then I had to come back here, pick up Rookie, take him over to Seth’s, and just when I was leaving for the party, Madeline started heaving and she was out of her nausea medication and Seth didn’t want to leave her alone while he went to the drugstore and by the time he got back it was late and I was starving so we brought in Thai, then—”
“You left Rookie there?”
“Yeah. I have to fly to Chicago tomorrow. Showtime wants me to attend this conference—”
“What did you mean before when you said the ride’s closed? I loved that ride…”
“Come in and we’ll talk.”
“No…Not the talk.” I shivered. “Although I do have to pee.”
“And you want your bra back.”
“Exactly. But wait. Did I leave it here? I thought I left it at Josh’s.”
Ken flinched.
“Oh that’s right.” I winked. “You thought you had a secret plan with him.”
“We really have to talk.”
I listened to his whole spiel about how he thought I was beautiful and fantastic and funny and sweet, but he was doing me a favor by not hooking up with me because he was such a mess and while I’d never know how much I’d helped him, it came down to this. My life was complicated enough. The last thing I needed was extra baggage to carry around.
Why did this all sound so familiar? Exactly. Rule #1 of breaking up. I’d just given the same speech to Josh. Now it was payback time, along with the game of twenty questions.
“How could you make a deal with Josh not to sleep with me?”
“Well hold on. It’s not really what happened. All I said to him was that you were getting a chance to turn your life around now and you didn’t need either of us getting in the way.”
“Well aren’t you thoughtful? You still had no right making decisions on my behalf.”
“You’re right. It was stupid. I’m sorry…The truth is, I didn’t want him sleeping with you…in case of anything.”
“You mean like an emergency at thirty thousand feet?”
“You know what I mean…I didn’t want Josh to get hurt if there was any chance the two of us could make it work.”
“You’re an idiot. Of course we could make it work. Just say pretty please.”
“It’s not that simple. It turns out…look, the truth is…I know that Mira and I are very different and long term it wouldn’t have worked. But you and me are very different, too.”
“Oh bullshit. The problem isn’t that we’re different, it’s that you’re a coward. You think because you’ve had your share of misfortune, that it entitles you to spend the rest of your life running away from everyone. But don’t you see? You’ve convinced yourself that you were dealt a lousy hand at birth and your life was supposed to be this bad and voilà, self-fulfilling prophecy come true.”
“That is not at all what I think. In fact, quite the opposite. First off, I don’t believe in self fulfilling prophecies or any of that other karmic crap you always talk about. I’m an attorney. I go by the facts of the case, not some mindless, arbitrary assumptions that stem from the moon rising in Libra or any of those other way-out-there theories you have about destiny and fate.”
“So I’m living in a dream world?”
“I’m just saying we don’t share the same values. I could never base a serious relationship on anything that isn’t black and white. I need hard evidence.”
“Really? You want hard evidence? Then here are the facts. Since the moment I met you, I have been rescuing you, caring for you and looking out for your every need. I have been here to listen to you, hold you, comfort you, and advise you. I have shown you that I am trusting, loyal, and compassionate. And in spite of your often rude and boorish behavior, your presumptions about my role in your life, and your total lack of sensitivity, I have given of myself in every way possible.
“So you want tangible proof of a connection between us? I’m still here, which is more than you can say for Nina or Mira. And as for your feelings that there is no such thing as fate? Well here’s a fact. Nothing could be more certain than someone destiny brought to your door.”
Ken couldn’t look me in the eye. And though I could tell he wanted to respond by the way he’d opened his mouth to say something, for the first time, words failed him. After a minute of deadly silence, I grabbed my pocketbook and
left.
Of all things, I made the mistake of calling another lawyer on the way home, only to hear Rachel’s closing arguments. It wasn’t fair to be mad at Ken for having lost interest in me after sex since (a) I offered it to him no strings attached and all he did was cooperate, (b) if it wasn’t for him, Showtime wouldn’t have even acknowledged I existed and I wouldn’t be on my way to California, and (c) Annette may have been great, but sometimes she was wrong. He obviously wasn’t the man for me.
To which I added (d) Ken would be like my mother’s Marvin Teitlebaum. The man who would remain in my heart and on my mind…but not in my life.
Chapter 30
GOOD THING ABOUT being an adult traveling solo? You could eat all the candy bars you wanted and no one could hound you about ruining your appetite or your teeth. But as I waited in the gate area and bit into a Mars bar, I spotted a couple who was staring at me for longer than was polite. I stared back and then it hit me. They weren’t a couple, they were twins and my dearest friends in college.
“Oh my God!” I swallowed my candy and raced over. “Gabs?” I shouted. “Lane?”
“Robyn?” they sang in unison.
We locked arms in a three-way hug, just as we did before every theatrical production at Penn State. Gabrielle and Lane Cohen were my best friends in the department, and it was my fault that we’d lost touch after a small rivalry I had with Gabs during The Fantastiks, over which one of us was going to bed El Gallo.
“I kept saying to Lane, I think that girl eating candy is Robyn Holtz,” Gabs cried. “But it’s been forever so who knows?” She hugged me again. “God, you look amazing. How are you?”
“Still eating candy.” I laughed. “What about you guys? Tell me everything.”
We did our best to exchange the Reader’s Digest condensed versions of our lives in between shrieks. Gabs was married to an architect, had a one-year old daughter, lived in the Village, and, bless her hardworking soul, was still acting. In fact, she was waiting to hear about a call back for the lead in for, ready, a limited revival of The Fantastiks.
Fate and Ms. Fortune Page 28