"Really?" she asked, dragging the word out to sound more like an accusation than a clarification. "Because he told me you haven't talked to him since Ben's party, and that it's probably because of your new boyfriend. So do you really want him to call you?"
New boyfriend? I thought. I don’t have a new boyfriend. Your brother’s just a grade A asshole.
I gritted my teeth, resisting the urge to clench my fists. I wasn't going to show her that I was uncomfortable, that I was irritated, and that I was slowly becoming angrier with every minute. Instead, I offered up a smile,then grabbed her cell phone from her. I quickly typed my number in and saved it, handing it back to her.
"Yeah," I said. "Have him call me."
I hugged her, turning around to follow my sister.
"See you later, then," Henley said.
I nodded. "See you later."
When I caught up with Nomi, she handed me the bag with my dress, then looked up at me. I knew that she would never ask, but I could practically see the question forming in her head--I was almost watching the wheels turning.
The best thing about Nomi was that she would never push me. Ever since we were little, if I would cry, she'd hold my hand, hand me tissues, and sneak me cookies until I felt better. If I were angry, she'd stand in the doorway watching me throw things around or punch Nikky's punching bag until I'd blown off all my steam. If I were happy and smiling for no reason, she'd be happy right along with me, even if she didn't even know what we were happy about. She was the epitome of a great sister. We fought just like anyone else, and there were times where we couldn't stand to be in each other's presence, but we had an unspoken agreement that we would never force the other to talk about something if we weren't ready.
"I guess you're ready to go?" Nomi said, smiling at me tentatively.
I shook my head, taking her hand and dragging her along into a new store.
"No," I said. "I'm ready to leave this store, but I'm not ready to go yet."
She hesitated a second, pulling her hand away from me, and I turned around to face her.
"Kales, are you sure?" she asked. "You're kind of...pale. You don't look good at all."
I nodded, grabbing her hand again.
I knew I wasn't okay, not by a long shot, but I promised my little sister I'd take her shopping for a birthday outfit, and nothing--not even a run-in with a York--was going to make me go back on my word. Our day wasn't ruined, not by a long shot, and I was going to do everything in my power to convince her of that.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, dragging her along again. "Now move it, Nomi! I wanna go to Charlotte Russe."
Laughing, she trailed after me, shouting, "Fine! But first, we're getting Cinnabon!"
Three.
I watched the phone in fear as it buzzed incessantly, as it had for the past twenty minutes. My heart raced at the sight of the number, I had come to memorize--it was the same number that I had tried so hard to forget. I reached out to touch it, to pick it up and answer it, but I regressed at the last second. I couldn't bring myself to answer it. I watched patiently as it buzzed along, then saw the signal that the person on the other end had ended the call. I inhaled deeply, ready to pick it up and delete the call from the call log when I noticed a small envelope had appeared in the left hand corner of my phone screen.
I picked up my phone hastily, dialing voicemail and placing the phone to my ear.
"Hey, Nic, it's Kyle," the voice said. "Henley told me she ran into you and you had her tell me to call you? I dunno Nic, this is really weird. You want me to call, but I've called like six times in the past hour and I just get voicemail. I don't understand what happened with us. We used to be best friends. I miss you. We haven't talked since Ben's party. Please, just call me back. Okay, bye."
My heart raced as I dropped the phone to the floor and sat on my bed, trying to keep myself calm.
I honestly hadn't expected for Kyle to actually call me. I had hoped that he was upset with me for ignoring him, that he was mad at me, that he was done with me. I hadn't banked on him actually calling me, because that was unexpected enough, but to make matters worse, he left me a message.
I took a deep breath, then propped myself up on my elbows. I closed my eyes, willing thoughts of Kyle to the back of my mind. Instead of breaking down like I normally would, I reached for my cell phone and scrolled through the contacts until I found the number of the person I knew I needed the most.
I argued within myself back and forth over whether I was going to actually place the call or not, because the last thing that I wanted was to be a burden on someone. Would I be a bother? What if I was interrupting something that was more important than a panic attack after hearing from Kyle? What if I was just being dramatic and I could actually handle all these complicated feelings on my own?
I stared down at the phone number, then closed my eyes and pressed the call button. I cautiously brought the phone up to my ear and held my breath as I listened to the ringing sound that invaded my ears. I heard a cough and then a small scuffle.
"Hello?" Colin answered.
I released the breath I had been holding.
"Hi, Colin," I said, clearing my throat. "Um, it's Nickayla."
An awkward silence ensued and I wondered whether I had made a mistake. I shortly contemplated hanging up the phone and crying myself to sleep.
"Hi, Nickayla," he said smoothly. "Is everything okay?"
I shook my head, knowing that he couldn't see me. I twiddled my thumbs on my blanket nervously as I pondered how exactly to answer. I didn't want to say yes, because that would be a lie, but likewise, I didn't want to say no, because that would make me sound even more depressed than I actually was.
"Can you come to my house?" I blurted out before I could stop myself.
There was a muted laugh, and then he cleared his throat.
"Sure," he said. "Just give me an address and I'll be there as soon as I can."
I nodded slowly.
"Okay," I said. "See you soon, then."
I hung up the phone then sighed, leaning back against the pillows on my bed. I closed my eyes and crossed my hands behind my head as I thought about how much I really needed to be in Colin's arms again, how badly I needed those eyes to see right through me as though I were an open book, how desperately I yearned to see that electrifying smile of his just one more time.
I was broken from my trance by the sound of my phone buzzing again. I looked down at the caller ID and was startled to see Colin's name flashing. I answered and played with my hair nervously.
"You can't come can you?" I answered. "You're probably busy or something. I knew it. I knew it had to have been a mistake to call you, and I'm really sorry that I bothered you. It's like your only weekend before you start at a new school, and I'm sure you don't want to be hanging around with some girl you barely met. It's totally fine. I'm really sorry, Colin, honestly. I never should have called--"
"Nickayla," Colin breathed, dragging out each syllable in my name.
"Yes?" I answered weakly.
He chuckled whole-heartedly, one that Daddy would describe as a belly laugh. He sighed deeply and I fumed. What was he laughing for?
"I can't come over because you didn't give me your address," he laughed. "Am I supposed to drive around aimlessly not knowing where to go?"
I giggled, suddenly ashamed.
"I'm sorry," I said. "When I'm nervous I tend to ramble a little bit."
I groaned, burying my face in my hands. Why had I just admitted that? What was going on with me? This guy was going to be the end of me--I knew that beyond the shadow of a doubt.
"My address is 2403 West Long Beach Boulevard," I said. "I live in Long Beach. I'm sure you could GPS it, and I hope you can, because really, I'm terrible at giving directions. This one time, I was staying with my brother Nathan when his wife had her twins, and Nikky wanted to drive up with Emerson, and he called me instead of Nathan or Hannah, knowing that I would probably end up sending him
through a random cornfield or something. It was just awful. He ended up in a completely different city and he was pissed at me for like three weeks, so I'd definitely suggest you GPS it because--"
"Nickayla?" Colin asked, laughing hysterically.
"What's so funny?" I demanded.
Apparently, my attempt at being a hard ass failed miserably, because that just made him laugh even harder.
"You're rambling again," he said. "I'll be there in twenty minutes, okay?"
"Okay," I said quietly. "See you soon, Colin."
"See you soon, Nickayla."
I waited for the line to go dead--there was absolutely no way I was going to hang up on him again. I got up from my bed, walking downstairs. I went into the kitchen, where Nomi sat doing her homework. She looked up at me, grinning when she caught sight of me in my plaid pajama pants and a black tank top, my hair in what she called the "Zenon bun".
"Hey," she said. "What's up?"
I shook my head as I walked toward the refrigerator, pulling out a container of fresh strawberries, a couple of mangoes, and a bottle of coconut water.
"Nothing," I said. "I have company coming over, and I wanted to make a smoothie before he gets here."
My sister nodded in acknowledgement then stared at me, doing a double take.
"He?" she asked, kinking her eyebrow. "As in Kyle?"
I shook my head. Obviously, Nomi would assume that Kyle was coming over, considering that we had run into his sister, but I didn't have the heart to explain to her why that could never be so.
"No, it's a new friend of mine," I said. "His name is Colin, and you need to be nice to him."
She gave a mock-hurt expression, her hand on her heart as though I'd shot her there. She narrowed her eyes at me and stuck her tongue out.
"I'm the sweetest person you'll ever meet!" she exclaimed.
I nodded as I loaded the fruit, coconut water, and ice into the blender, holding my hand over the top as I pressed the button to blend it. She looked as though she was going to say more, but I held up a finger to silence her.
For two minutes, the only sound in the empty kitchen was the sound of my favorite flavor smoothie being made. When it stopped, I split the drink into three cups and handed on to Nomi.
"Yes, you are," I said, "to me and the people who already know you. But we all know you're not very receptive to strangers."
She looked like she were about to say something rude in response, but we were interrupted by a knock on the door.
I looked up, checking the kitchen clock. Didn't he say twenty minutes? It hadn't even really been ten. I stared my sister down, daring her to try to race me to the door. She jumped up at the same time that I ran out of the kitchen, and I laughed as she nearly tripped over her own feet trying to beat me.
I yanked the door open, staring straight into Colin's eyes as Nomi came up beside me and bumped into me.
"Hi," she said, extending her hand for Colin to take. "I'm Naomi, little sister extraordinaire. Did you come bearing gifts, or do I have to ban you from the premises until you have something worthy of the Quinn sisters?"
I rolled my eyes, shoving her, and smiling apologetically at Colin.
"Don't mind her," I said. "She's not receptive to strangers."
He laughed, then shook Nomi's hand and extended a small box. She narrowed her eyes at him as she lifted the top of the box and peered inside cautiously.
"My mom made cupcakes," he explained. "I figured you girls would want some."
Naomi took two cupcakes and then handed the box back to him.
"You're forgiven," she said. "Nice to meet you, friend-of-Nic. If you need me, I'll be downstairs."
I shrugged, then gestured for him to follow me. I walked into the kitchen to grab our smoothies and caught my sister's eye. She was rolling her eyes and sighing at the taste of the cupcake. I glared at her and mouthed, "I'll deal with you later."
We sat on the floor, a fort made out of pillows and blankets above us. His arm wrapped around me freely, pulling me against his chest. He kissed the top of my head, putting a gummy bear in my mouth.
"Thank you for coming," I said, solemnly.
I looked up at him, and he grinned.
"I said I would, didn't I?" he asked, smoothly. "There's nowhere else I'd rather be."
I sat back, stunned into silence by the honesty in his words. I hadn't expected him to just come out and say anything like that, and to be honest, it had me all types of discombobulated.
"That was...really sweet to say," I murmured.
He chuckled, popping a gummy candy into his mouth as his body shook with laughter. It was contagious. Before I knew it, I was laughing right alongside of him, and I didn't even know why.
"What's so funny?" I asked.
He breathed deeply, shaking his head.
"I'm just remembering how you were rambling on the phone earlier," he said.
I nudged him playfully.
"I only ramble when I get nervous!" I said.
Suddenly, the laughter stopped. He sat forward, getting on his knees so that he was mere inches away from me. I could almost smell the candy on his breath, and it was so sweet that I wanted to close the gap between us to get a taste of his lips. His green eyes sparkled as they bored into me, seeing into the very depths of my soul. His lips twisted into a crooked smile, and he gingerly grazed the side of my face.
"Why do I make you nervous, Nickayla?" he asked.
I placed my hand flat on the floor, trying to steady myself. The way he said my name...God, it did things to me that I couldn't even begin to explain.
"Because!" I whispered, exasperated. "I don't even know you, but I feel comfortable around you. You bring out emotions in me I didn't know I had. I don't talk about my feelings. I don't cry in front of people, particularly not in front of strangers. I haven't slept through the night in 6 months, yet last night when I fell asleep in your arms, I didn't have a single nightmare." I closed my eyes, trying to hide the emotion that I knew was evident when my voice cracked on the last word. "You make me feel different. You make me feel alive. You scare me."
He sighed, staring at me unblinkingly for a few moments.
"Nickayla, you scare me," he said. "You've awakened something in my soul that I thought was gone. Listening to your voice, it makes my heart race. Looking at you, and how beautiful you are, it takes my breath away. And being this close to you...it's a serious test of endurance on my part because I want nothing more than to kiss you right now."
Oh my.
I felt slightly unnerved. Who spoke like that? Who bared all their feelings like that? What was it about him that made me subconsciously want to do the same?
"I want to kiss you right now, Colin," I said. "I really do. But I can't right now."
He looked down at me, a stunned expression on his face. I grazed his lips with the pad of my thumb, biting my lip as I allowed myself to imagine what it would be like to have his on mine.
"I just have so much shit," I explained. "There's so much fucked up shit inside my head, inside my heart, that I can't allow myself to go there with you until I know you'll be able to handle the damage that comes with me. I'm warming up to you, and I don't warm easily. I don't do this. My own sister hasn't even seen me cry in months. But I called you here because I trust you, and I want to trust you even more. When the time comes, I know that it's going to be the perfect moment, because I won't have anything holding me back."
He watched my lips move, and I knew that he was imagining that perfect moment every bit as much as I was.
"Kissing you would be like kissing an angel," he said. "I believe we met for a reason. And if I kiss you, I know it'll just reaffirm everything I've already felt since the moment I saw you."
My heart raced as I chided myself internally, fighting the urges that I was feeling.
"I would love to," I said. "But I want you to know me, the real me, and everything I've gone through, everything I'm afraid to have come to light before I give you somethi
ng as intimate as a kiss. And if we're being honest, that's going to take some time."
He nodded, taking my hand in his and kissing it.
"I understand," he said. "And if we're being honest, I've got nothing but time. I'm not going anywhere, Nickayla. It can wait."
At those words, I almost kissed him right then and there.
Four.
Pulling the curling iron out of my hair, I examined the last curl, then flipped my hair down and back up. I teased the crown and then spritzed my curls lightly with saltwater and a little bit of Tresemme hairspray. I slipped on my Keds and then put on some lip-gloss to finish my entire look.
I wore a blue ombred peasant blouse, a pair of light wash skinny jeans, my baby blue Keds, and my cross that my godmother, Kyra, had given me when I was 5. It was the perfect outfit for the first day back to school after winter break. I grabbed my gray pea coat and my baby blue scarf, putting them both on as I grabbed my bag to head downstairs.
I descended the stairs quickly, almost bumping into Nikky as I did so.
"Dammit, Nikkolas!" I yelled, frustrated that he was just standing in the landing. He was still in his pajamas, his hair disheveled and his eyes still squinted, almost closed. One of his arms was damn near coming out of his shirt, and he was missing a sock. He looked like shit, frankly. "Aren't you going to school?"
He shook his head, moving carefully out of my way.
"Emmy has a doctor's appointment today at 10, and then a dentists' appointment at 2. Sarah's mom couldn't drive her, and I never miss an appointment, so, no school today for me," he said.
I nodded in acknowledgment.
"Okay," I said. "I'll have Brody get your work for you. Give Emmy a kiss for me."
"Will do," he replied groggily as he trudged up the stairs.
I smiled up at him, a sense of pride swelling in my heart. When Sarah gave us the news that she was pregnant, I thought that Nikky would go certifiably insane. He was only 14, it was his first year in high school, and Sarah was the first girl he'd ever been with. We all waited patiently for the proverbial "other shoe" to drop, but it didn't. Nikkolas had stepped up for Sarah and Emerson in a way that none of us expected. He was more receptive to the news of fatherhood than Nathan was, and Nathan was in his mid-twenties when the twins were born.
Losing Me Page 4