Losing Me

by Jasmine Carolina

  "None of this is simple, Nickayla!" she shouted, exasperated. "Love is not simple! Do you think people have twenty-year marriages because their relationship was all rainbows and butterflies? NO! With love, true love, you have to go through some pretty fucked up shit to get to your happily ever after. No one is going to just give it to you--you have to earn it. You earn it through trust, faithfulness, and undying love. And you're only giving Colin two of those things. By not telling him, you're sending the message that you don't trust him. You are going to tell him the truth and the whole truth or we are not fucking friends anymore. You don't see what I see. I have never seen you this happy, this alive, and this complete. I'll be damned if I sit back and support you while you ruin it because you're scared." She came over to me, wrapping an arm around me as tears spilled out of my eyes. "Nickayla, let Colin fix you."

  I shook my head, letting my hair cascade like a waterfall in front of my face. I couldn't look Michele in the eyes--I couldn't let her see exactly how weak I truly was, not when she had this insane notion that I was the strongest person in the world. She thought of me as one way, and if I let her see me, if I let her see the incredibly weak person I was underneath the façade I put on for her and everyone else, she'd see me totally different.

  "Michele, that night," I sobbed, "Kyle didn't just break my heart. He tore apart my soul. I've been broken and I don't even know where to begin picking up the pieces. I'm lost, I'm torn apart. I'm a vase that's been tossed on the floor--I'm Humpty Dumpty, fallen off the wall, and even when the king's horses and the king's men come, I'll still be broken. How can I put that on him? I don't know if Colin can fix that."

  I felt her push my hair away from my face as she forced me to look at her.

  "You'll never know if he can if you won't even let him try," she said softly.

  I nodded at her, knowing that she was right. I wiped my eyes, knowing that if I kept on crying, my eyes would get puffy, and the last thing that I needed was Colin or Brody asking questions. I'd already had to answer to Michele, and I wasn't about to answer to the both of them as well.

  "Let's just finish getting ready," I said. "We can talk about this some more later."

  She nodded, and she continued to do my hair in silence.

  An hour later, we were pulling into the gravel road of the lake house, right across from Colin's home. When I hopped out of the car, Colin was sitting on the giant wrap-around porch and strumming something on his guitar. God, he looked so sexy sitting there. It made me almost forget what Michie and I had talked about earlier. I strolled over to him casually, sitting down next to him as he continued to play.

  He kept strumming, but he leaned forward to quickly kiss me on the forehead.

  "You look beautiful, Nickayla," he said.

  I smiled, not wanting to say anything back. I sat there for a moment, closing my eyes as he strummed the chords to Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen. I opened my eyes and gazed into his. I scooted closer to him so that we were touching. I placed a hand on his knee as I began singing the first verse.

  I didn't want to sing it all, because I knew that we had an audience, but whenever I heard that song playing, I couldn't help myself. I just had to sing along.

  "That's my favorite song," I told him when he stopped.

  He set his guitar aside and stood up, extending his hand to me so that he could help me up. That was one of my favorite gestures of his: it wasn't that I needed help, but it was nice to know that he would offer whether I needed it or not.

  "Well, you sounded amazing," Colin said as he led me inside the house where Michele and Brody were sitting on the couch, their bodies an entanglement of limbs.

  I closed my eyes, unable to look at them. They were so open with each other. He knew about her abandonment issues that she'd had since her dad left, and she knew about his undying efforts to take care of his sister and brother to the point where he damn near flunked out last year. Why couldn’t I be that open with Colin? What was wrong with me?

  "Hey," Colin said, touching my hand gently. "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost."

  I shook my head, unable to speak. I walked toward the back room, plopping myself on the bed. I couldn't look up at him, so I placed my head in between my knees. I could feel the lightheadedness coming on as soon as I smelled his cologne wafting through the air.

  "Nickayla, you're kind of scaring me," he said softly, kneeling down in front of me. He placed his hand on my chin, titling it upward so that I was forced to look at him. "What's going on?"

  I shook my head, not wanting to tell him.

  I stopped, then closed my eyes. That was the fucking problem. I had something that I needed to tell him, but I couldn't bring myself to actually want to.

  "Colin, please," I whispered. "I don't want to talk about it. Leave me alone."

  He recoiled as though he'd been slapped, wearing the same expression that was on his face when his dad hit him. Oh, dear God. I reached for him, but he jerked away so that I couldn't touch him. I gaped at him, my mouth wide open. I sat there, just staring at him as he sat on the floor, staring down at his hands.

  "Colin," I began, but stopped when he put his hand up to silence me.

  The expression on his face was an odd mixture of anger, fear, and frustration. It was something that I didn't want to see ever again. He kept his eyes fixed on any and everything but me. I immediately regretted what I'd said, what I'd done to push him away.

  "Colin," I said again. "I'm sorry."

  He shook his head, forcing a small smile.

  "It's alright," he said. "I'll leave you alone for now." He paused, then stared up at me. "You know, Nickayla, I didn't have to tell you about my dad abusing me. You saw it for yourself and I let you help me. I even opened up about the way he's made me feel my entire life, but you can't tell me whatever it is that's bothering you." He closed his eyes, and I knew then that I was hurting him more than I'd ever anticipated. "I just wish you could tell me what it is that's bothering you so that we can handle it together. That's what couples are supposed to do, right?"

  I nodded, unable to speak. He was right, and I couldn't deny it no matter how much I wanted to.

  "Yeah," I said, unsure of what else to say. "But I can't talk about this. Not with you, at least."

  That made his head snap up. He glared at me with an expression that was so beyond devastated, it winded me like I'd just been punched in the stomach. He nodded swiftly, then stood up, storming out of the room. He slammed the door behind him, and I winced as I realized what I'd just done.

  "Mother fuck," I said aloud as I tossed myself backward onto the bed.

  I raised my hand to knock on the door to Colin's house, and the minute I did, Kirstin intercepted me at the door. She wrapped me in a hug, and then smiled down at me.

  "Oh, Nickayla, sweetie," she said, smiling solemnly, "I thought you'd never come over again. I thought you'd actually listened to my husband's warnings to break up with Colin."

  I shook my head, shocked and exasperated all at once. When she released me from her embrace, I stared at her, unsure of what to say.

  I knew that I was in no place to judge her, or anyone for that matter, but how could I respect or even like someone who let her husband hurt Colin? How could I look past the fact that she stood there while her husband antagonized him, talked down to him, and hit him? How could I look past the fact that according to Colin, it'd been happening that way for years?

  No. It was too much to forgive.

  "I wouldn't dream of it, Mrs. Westwick," I said, pursing my lips. "I really care about your son, and I wouldn't leave him just because his dad doesn't approve of me."

  She nodded, closing the door behind us as she twiddled her thumbs.

  "Yes, well I'm glad you feel that way," she said. "Holden can be a bit...difficult. He thinks you'd be a bad influence on Colin, that you'd distract him from his schooling and what not, but he's not home to see what I see. Colin changed the night he met you. He's walking around playi
n' guitar like he used to before his grandpa died. He's singing in the shower and he's smiling like he just won the lotto."

  I nodded, then looked toward the stairs.

  "That's nice to hear," I said. I paused to see if she was going to say more, then I sighed. "Mrs. Westwick, do you mind if I head upstairs to talk to Colin? We had a little...disagreement."

  She nodded, and then clapped her hands.

  "Oh, your first lover's quarrel! How sweet!" she exclaimed.

  I tried to resist the urge to roll my eyes. I forced a smile, trotting up the stairs. I found Colin's door closed, and I turned the knob slowly, pushing it open gently. He was sitting on his bed, his legs crossed as he strummed What About Now by Daughtry on his guitar. He looked up at me shortly, then started singing the chorus softly.

  I couldn't deny that I was struck deeply by the melancholy in his tone as he sang, his eyes growing saddened and darkening as he continued through the chorus. But he sang still, his voice taking on a cute southern twang as he did so. He stopped playing when the chorus was done, then looked up at me, that same devastated look returning to his eyes. "Hello, Nickayla."

  I sighed, sitting on the edge of his bed with my hands in my lap. I couldn't look at him, not after what I'd said earlier, and not after he'd given me that wounded puppy expression earlier. It was too much to even consider looking at him if he was going to look at me like that again.

  "Hi," I whispered. I turned to face him, and then closed my eyes. "I'm sorry, Colin."

  He sat there in silence, his hand still on his guitar as if he was waiting for me to say more. I took a deep breath, then turned to face him. If I was going to apologize, I was going to mean that shit. He deserved that and so much more from me.

  "I'm so sorry. I'm not being fair to you," I said. "You've told me--and shown me--every ugly detail about your life, and the minute I'm upset, I can't even tell you why." I sighed. "I'm being stupid and I know it. I should be able to talk to you about anything, and instead of telling you what I meant, I just told you to leave me alone and that I didn't want to talk to you about it."

  He nodded slowly, and then placed his guitar on the floor beside him. Colin gazed at me, that same light in his eyes that I loved so much returning almost instantly. He patted the space on the bed that was right next to him, and I crawled up to him, resting my head on his chest.

  "I'm sorry, too," he said. "When you told me to leave you alone, I should have, but instead I kept going." He sighed, pulling me closer so that our legs intertwined. "Tell me what you need from me."

  I placed my hand on his chest, playing with the buttons on his shirt as I smiled down at the sculpted, perfect body before me.

  "Time," I murmured. "Not a break, not time alone...just time. I want to tell you what's going on with me, honest to God I do, but I'm not ready yet."

  He nodded, then looked up at the ceiling of his bedroom.

  "Time, then," he mused. "Okay. I can give you time." He kissed the top of my head in that sweet way of his. He sent shivers down my spine as he took my chin in his hand, pulling my face toward his and giving me a tender kiss. He chuckled softly, his entire body shaking with laughter. "I think today counts as our first fight."

  I smacked him playfully, closing my eyes.

  "Yeah," I said, pouting, “because you push too hard sometimes."

  "Yeah, and because you're fucking stubborn," he said. "You're infuriating."

  I giggled, kissing him on the lips, feeling the chills all the way down to my toes. I could kiss him forever. I rested my head on his shoulder, a smile creeping up on my face. "Yeah, but you deal with it because you love me," I said, matter-of-factly.

  He seemed to think about this for a moment, his brows furrowing together in the cutest way.

  "That I do," he said. "And you love me."

  I nodded vigorously, wrapping my arm around him.

  "Of course I do, you goof," I whispered. "That's why we're a perfect match."

  "That we are," he said quietly, wrapping both arms around me. He gazed down at me, and then cleared his throat. "So, do you think we should go back and keep Michele and Brody company?"

  I sighed.

  In all the excitement of our first fight, I'd almost forgotten that the entire point of going to the lake house was to double date with my friends. I wondered what they were doing, or if they'd even noticed that we'd left.

  "Not yet," I said. "We just had our first fight, and we're about to have our first hot makeup make-out session. I'm not exactly ready to share you yet."

  Colin grinned, sitting up quickly.

  "Oh?" he asked, grinning that crooked smile that took my breath away. "What happens during this hot makeup make-out session?"

  I sat up, smiling mischievously as I positioned myself on his lap, straddling his perfect legs. I wrapped my arms around his neck, twining my fingers in his hair as I pulled him toward me, being anything but gentle. I planted a kiss on his neck, just below his ear, and an audible groan escaped his lips.

  "Well, for starters, stuff like this," I said, nibbling lightly on his ear. "And we can stop whenever you like."

  I could hear his breathing become ragged, so I continued my slow torture of his self-endurance. I ran my hands down his slightly opened shirt, rubbing my hands along the ridges of his abs. I kissed his chest, then grinned up at him, reveling in the fact that his eyes were closed.

  "Nickayla Quinn, you're going to be the death of me," he whispered.

  I giggled as I gave him an Eskimo kiss, my hands continuing their feather-light torture of the rest of his body. He sat forward, meeting me with a hot, agonizing kiss. I caught his lip between my teeth, tugging gently as I allowed his tongue entrance to my mouth. He placed his hands at my waist, running his fingers along my lower back and spine as his tongue moved with mine, a sweet, intense dance of sorts that sent fire through my veins.

  "I love you," he said, between kisses.

  His hands found my ass, touching it lightly, and then squeezing it in a way that should have made me uncomfortable, but it didn't. I wasn't thinking about any of that. I wasn't thinking about anything but Colin and the kisses that he greeted me with, anxiously and unconditionally, as a sign of his love.

  "I love you," I murmured against his neck.

  Twelve.

  The words sounded strange, tasted strange leaving my mouth. The minute I said them, I wanted to take them back. It wasn't that I regretted them, or that I loved Colin any less, nor did it mean that I didn't love him at all. I was simply questioning whether I was actually ready to say them.

  Colin loved me. He loved me, and although I was still struggling to wrap my head around it, although it was becoming nearly impossible to convince myself that I was worthy of love from someone like him, even though the notion was completely unfathomable, I knew that he loved me, to the depths of my being.

  I could see it in his eyes when he held my gaze, the expression there telling me that I was the only thing that mattered in his world. I could hear it in the way he said my name, a pure, unadulterated reverence in his voice that held me up higher than I could ever possibly deserve. And most of all, I could feel it in his kiss, as our lips met and he wrapped his arms around me and our entire world, everything that ever hurt us or threatened to, every scar and bad memory fell away, and in those moments, it was just him, and it was just me, and together we had ventured to some far, unreachable place where we existed outside of ourselves, and we were everything and we were nothing all at once.

  We spent the rest of the night that way, tangled in each other and falling deeper and deeper in love, and over the course of the next two weeks, we spent our afternoons under the stars, each time moving me further and further out of my comfort zone.

  It had been wonderful in the most perfect of ways. It was only natural that something would come and get in the way of my happiness. That was how it always worked. The universe realized when I was enjoying myself, and it never failed to throw a wrench in the works and ruin ever
ything.

  Colin picked Nomi and me up for school just as he'd been doing ever since we started dating. When we entered the school, I got the feeling that something terrible had happened or was about to happen. I clung to Colin tightly as we walked toward his locker. His arm laced around my waist and eyed me cautiously.

  In the hallways, all I could see were other peoples' eyes on me, following me as I tried to pretend that everything was okay. I could hear the whispers, could feel the stares, and I was suddenly uncomfortable.

  What was going on? Why was everyone staring at me? Did I have something on my face? Was my hair out of place? I was suddenly self-conscious, and I tensed up beside Colin.

  "What's wrong?" he asked, placing his hand on the side of my face.

  I shook my head. How could I explain it to him? Was it all in my head? Was I just imagining all of this?

  "I don't know," I said. "I feel like something's off."

  Colin nodded, taking his books out of his locker as he walked me to mine. I put in the locker combination, and then jerked my locker open. The minute that I did, hundreds upon thousands of condoms came spilling out of it, and at the back of my locker was a picture of me draped all over Kyle the night of Ben's party, a drink in my hand. Looking at the picture and the outfit that I had worn, I might as well have been naked.

  I stared down at everything, the condoms pooling around my feet, the picture taped at the back of my locker, and I tried my hardest not to cry. I could hear other peoples' laughter as I slammed the locker closed and turned to Colin who wrapped his arms around me without even asking whether I needed him or not.

  "Breathe, baby," he whispered in my ear as we walked down the hall. "Let's just get through today, and it'll all be over. Breathe."