I nodded, short of breath at the sheer shock of it all. We rounded a corner to head to our AP English class, and Colin stopped short before I did when he saw what was plastered all over the bulletin board outside the classroom. The same picture that was taped inside my locker was copied nearly a hundred times over and covered almost the entire wall.
I could feel Colin tense up beside me, and he dropped his arms from around me, his hands clenched into fists and his chest heaved heavily with anger. I was struck by the sheer weight of what was happening when he let go of me--it was as though while I was in his arms, he helped carry the burden of whatever sick, twisted thing was going on that day.
I stared at him, unable to speak. He looked at me frantically for a split second, and without uttering a single word, he reached up and ripped every single photo down, crumbling them up and tossing him in the trashcan. He looked around, a horrifyingly angry glint in his eye, as though he were challenging somebody, anybody to say something to him. I stood there, still in shock as he stormed over to one of Kyle and Brody's football buddies--Christian, I think his name was--and slammed his fist into the wall beside him.
"Dude, what the Hell?" Christian yelled, staring at Colin as though he'd grown three heads.
"Kyle York," Colin said, his voice a deadly whisper. "Where the fuck is he?"
Christian didn't hesitate to sell out his friend. I didn't know whether he actually thought what Kyle did was wrong, or if he was simply scared of Colin and what he might do.
"He's in the gym, running bleachers," he said.
Without another word, Colin stormed off and I rushed after him, not sure of what would happen but my body was compelled to follow wherever he went. He stalked angrily toward the gym and thrust the doors open as he barged inside. I could see Kyle, running the bleachers as though nothing was going on in the world around him. I could see the beads of sweat on his forehead, could see how he struggled to keep his breathing regulated.
"YORK!" Colin shouted as he made his way up the bleachers, his voice booming and echoing off the gym walls. Kyle stopped short, his expression forming a casual smirk.
I watched in horror as Colin finally reached Kyle, coming up in front of him and grabbing him by the shirt and slamming him down on one of the bleacher seats, standing over him with his fist raised as though he were about to kill him. I ran then, not wanting anything to escalate further than it needed to.
I was okay. I would be okay, maybe in time, but I needed Colin to be okay. I knew how big Kyle was, knew what kind of influence he had over the people in our school.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Colin yelled, his forearm pressing against Kyle's throat. "Can't you leave well enough alone? Why do you have to antagonize her?"
Kyle's eyes met mine as I stood mere feet away from him. They were wild but they didn't hold any fear.
"She deserves it," was all Kyle had to say in response.
It was as though I'd been sucker punched. I fought to catch my breath, knowing that everything he was saying was true.
"Stop fucking with her head!" Colin exclaimed, still angry. "Isn't it enough that she's fucking scared to come into contact with you? Isn't it enough that she locked herself in the bathroom just to get away from you? No, of course it isn't! You're pushing, York, always fucking pushing!" He groaned. "You need to stop bullying her just because you didn't get what you wanted!"
Colin let up slightly, but kept his stance, kept his fists up as we both watched Kyle struggle to a sitting position. Kyle stared at me, breaking into a laugh, a laugh that was so daunting, so frightful that I had to swallow the bile that rose in my throat.
"Oh, believe me, West-dick," he said, grinning, "I got exactly what I wanted from Nickayla."
He got up and stalked out of the gym, leaving me flustered and sick to my stomach, and Colin standing there in Kyle's wake, his face a stone mask of horror.
I fumbled for a seat, and Colin sat down next to me, trying to wrap an arm around my shoulder. I pulled away and held my hand up momentarily. I needed to catch my breath, needed to regain my composure, because if I didn't, I was going to fucking lose it.
"I just...I just need a minute," I whispered.
He nodded, his hands in his lap. I placed my hand on my chest, trying to steady my heartbeat. I felt as though my heart was either going to just give out, or it was going to beat so fast that it'd make me pass out. Either way, I needed to calm down.
I moved over so that I was right next to Colin, our legs touching. I rested my head against his shoulder, and I nodded when he raised his arms to wrap them around me and cradle me close to his body.
"Hey," he said, his voice calm and collected, the Colin that I knew. "I love you."
I groaned. I knew that those three words were supposed to make me feel better, but they made me feel a hell of a lot worse. I just closed my eyes, not wanting to say anything back.
"Why don't you just break up with me already?" I asked.
He pulled away, but only slightly. He took my face in his hands and looked into my eyes.
"Is that what you want, Nickayla?" he asked.
I shook my head.
No, of course it wasn't what I wanted, but it would be the best thing for the both of us. Before Colin and I got together, I had spent six months avoiding Kyle. Ever since my first night with Colin, it had been all hallway chases and embarrassing moments and it was more than too much for me to handle, so I knew that it had to be wearing Colin thin as well.
"No," I said, finally. "That's not what I want." I looked up at him, finally allowing the tears to fall.
"Goddamn it! Why the fuck do I keep letting him make me cry?" I sobbed into Colin's shirt, unable to stop it then. I had to just let it out, all the anger, all the fury, and all the pain that I carried around, even if I wasn't ready to let it go yet. "Any normal guy would break up with me. This has got to be more than you signed up for."
Colin chuckled, reaching up to graze my cheek lightly with his fingertips as he wiped a tear away.
"Nah," Colin said. "We're endgame, remember? This is the closest I've got to anything ugly or uncomfortable with you, and I have to admit, I kind of like it."
I stared up at him, awestruck.
"You like seeing me broken, and weak, and crying my eyes out?" I asked, horrified. "That's kind of sick, Westwick."
He laughed, then pulled me against him again as he heaved a heavy sigh. He placed his hand in my hair, stroking it gently.
"No. You know I hate seeing you cry, baby," he said softly as he kissed my hair. "But I like seeing this side of you. It's the real side, the side that I fell in love with. It's the side that trusts me to see the ugly. It's the side of you that I'd wager not many people get to see. I like seeing it because it shows me who you really are."
I nodded against him, loving that answer. It struck me then, like a bolt of lightning, that I had to be the luckiest girl in the world. He took care of me without asking, without conditions, without getting mad. I could have sworn that he was perfect.
"Colin," I groaned against him. "I really wish sometimes you would get mad. Blow up. Punch something, yell or something. Then maybe I'd know you're human."
He laughed without humor, his eyes dark.
"You want me to get angry about this?" he asked. "Nickayla, that's stupid! Why would I get mad about this? Kyle York is an asshole, period. Whatever this is, whatever went on with you two, and whatever is going on now, it's not your fault. You do know that right?" He stared at me incredulously when I shook my head. "Sweetie, please don't tell me you've been blaming yourself for Kyle's douchebaggery all this time?"
God, if only he knew how much.
I just nodded slightly, and he grimaced.
“Honestly, knowing that you're blaming yourself for this hurts me almost as much as seeing you cry over an asshat like him," Colin said.
I shoved him away, half-playing, but half-serious. I hated that he kept being dragged into things like this, and that time and time aga
in, he had to see the worst sides of me rather than the best sides of me.
"See what I mean?" I asked. "Where the Hell do you come from? I swear, you're some other species."
Colin chuckled, this time the smile reached his eyes. He looked so adorable it nearly broke my heart.
"I'm human, baby, I promise you," he said, grinning widely. "I'm just not going to get mad at you or yell at you when this is so obviously not your fault."
He leaned forward and placed a hand on the side of my cheek, his gaze intense. Our lips met and it was sweeter than any other that we had shared. It felt right, it felt safe...it felt perfect. He placed a hand at the nape of my neck, tilting my head upward and lightly teasing my tongue with his. I pulled away, breathless, then leaned forward again, our foreheads resting against each other.
"Mmm," I said. "Yeah, you're definitely human. An alien couldn't possibly kiss like that."
"Kyle's a dick!" Brody said, as he tossed a baseball to Colin, throwing it harder than I'd anticipated.
Michie and I were sitting on my back porch and watching the boys play, sipping my mom's limonada. Even though Colin was admittedly a klutz and couldn't play sports to save his life, he was fending quite well with Brody, and I could already see a bond forming. It was the third time we'd hung out together since our double date at the lake house.
"Of course he is," Michie said. "I'm just kind of pissed Westwick here had him and didn't kick his ass. I'd give anything to swipe a couple paws at that pretty face of his."
I burst out laughing, nearly choking on my drink.
"That's adorable, angel," Brody said, blowing her a kiss. "Remind me never to piss you off."
"I love you, too," Michie said, playfully, clapping as Brody caught the curveball Colin threw him. "Hey, Westwick, you should try out for the baseball team with Pretty Boy here."
Colin shook his head, sliding backward inch by inch as he prepared for Brody's next pitch.
"No thanks, Michie," he said, not looking at her and keeping his eye on the ball. "It's not really my thing. Besides, it would totally interfere with my dream."
Michele looked at me questioningly, and I shrugged my shoulders. She crossed her legs and took a sip of her drink, rolling her eyes.
"Okay, I'll bite," she said. "What exactly does that mean?"
Colin laughed, dropping to a knee as he caught another pitch with ease.
It was incredibly sexy, honestly, to watch him play sports as if it came naturally to him, even though he swore up and down that it didn't. He was beautifully focused and sweaty as he wiped his brow, and I just wanted to jump him and envelop him with kisses.
"Well, it's been my lifelong goal to be a colossal disappointment to my parents," Colin said. "They want me to play sports and they want my sister to get married and have a bunch of kids--they're old-fashioned, so forgive them. So by not playing sports, even though I would virtually suck at it if I so much as tried, I'm fulfilling my dream before even graduating high school." He sighed. "If I tried out for--and made--the baseball team, I'd never forgive myself for straying from that dream. I'd live to regret it for the rest of my life."
I knew that he was joking, but he said it so naturally, with such ease that it took a lot for me to remind myself that really, all that he wanted was to please his parents, something that he didn't feel he'd quite accomplished yet.
"Yeah, okay," Michie said. "But if you played a sport, you'd be Kyle's biggest competition for top dog--," she paused, looking at Brody, "--besides you, Brody, of course. He thinks he's untouchable because he's on the football team."
Colin chuckled, strolling over to me as he reached out for my drink. I handed it to him graciously, watching as he drank some and then handed it back to me. He pushed his hair back, soaked with sweat. He plopped himself down on the swing.
"I could care less about being Kyle's competition," he said. "I know what he's competing for, and not that Nic's a prized possession or something, but I can see that I've already won."
I knew that he was sweaty, dirty, and probably smelled a little bit, but I didn't care. I wanted to hug him, to kiss him, to wrap myself in him and never leave. Being with him was where I belonged.
And like he said, he'd already won. If the day's events were any indication, Kyle didn't stand a chance against Colin, not when it came to me, anyway. In my books, Colin would always be the winner, the only owner of my heart.
I walked over to where he sat in the porch swing and climbed on next to him, drawing my knees up to my chin. He looked at me skeptically, and I could see in his eyes that he was weighing whether or not he wanted to hug me. Just to show him that I didn't care, I laid my head on his chest. He chuckled lightly, lacing an arm around my shoulder as he pulled me in and kissed my cheek.
"You see, this is what Kyle doesn't want," Colin said. "I can see right through him. He wants to get a rise out of me, to tell me and show me things about Nickayla that he thinks will scare me away. But what he doesn't know is that it took so much to get her, that I'm never letting her go, especially not for an asshole like him."
I felt heat flame to my cheeks.
When I read about love in all my favorite books, or even watched people fall recklessly into it in all my favorite movies, I thought it was some sweet, unknowable thing that two perfect people entered in together, and everything was sunshine and unicorns. I knew from watching my parents, from watching Nathan and Hanna, and even Nikky and Sarah, that love wasn't easy.
After my conversation with Michele, and particularly after the day's events with Kyle, I had to remind myself that love wasn't a destination, or even a feeling. It was something otherworldly that two people found together, with each other and in each other. It was something that you had to work at and fight for, when you didn't even know that you were fighting for it.
"And how do you know I won't let you go?" I asked, halfway joining him in his playful banter, but also halfway curious about what his response would be.
"Mmm, I don't think you'd dare," Colin said, nudging me softly. "You love me too much."
I giggled, and was struck by how amazing he was. He believed in love and all its undeniable power in a way that I hadn't come to understand yet. He believed in us in a way that was strange and foreign to me. It was like he'd stayed in that unreachable place that we went to when we kissed, and I had to leap with him, had to leave with him and journey to that place where there was no hope of ever returning once I got there.
I had to jump, without looking, without reservations, without question, and fall head first into the abyss that was love, but more importantly, love with Colin.
"That I do," I said. "I love you today, and I love you for all of our tomorrows. I'm glad you'll never let me go because I don't ever plan on letting you out of my sight, out of my mind, or out of my heart."
I met his undeniable, infectious smile with a small, sweet kiss. He took my face in his hands and simply gazed into my eyes. It was strange and unknown, and we lingered in the gaze for far too long, but in that moment, he knew it, and I knew it, that from that moment on, there would be no turning back. I was falling, and he was going to catch me. He held my gaze, his emerald green eyes not looking at me, but looking through me, and seeing all the secrets that my heart held and taking them as his own for safekeeping.
"Well, that's great," Colin said, never taking his eyes off me. He paused, planting a kiss on my forehead with a small smile. "I've been in love with you since the moment I met you, and I don't plan on ever letting anyone or anything get in the way of that. I've been in love with you since I laid eyes on you, and every time I look into those big, beautiful, chocolate brown eyes, I fall in love with you all over again."
If it weren't for the fact that we had an audience, I would have kissed him then, and not a pop kiss, not a peck, but the kind of sweet, intense kisses that I'd grown used to whenever we were alone.
"Oh, you guys make me sick," Michie said, sticking her tongue out as she winked at me inconspicuously.
&
nbsp; I grinned at her, knowing exactly what she was thinking. I'd found The One, and I'd be the stupidest person in the world if I ever let him go.
I looked over to Brody, who had been leaning against the edge of the porch in stunned silence, his eyes following us and watching us in cool observance. I wondered what he was thinking, how he felt about Colin, and what's more, how he felt about the fact that I had someone new to protect me from Kyle, and from everyone else who ever threatened to hurt me. Brody was my rock, my protection, and I knew then that he was only keeping me safe until someone like Colin came along.
"Brody," I said, thinking that I had to explain myself, that I had to plead my case, that I had to convince him somehow that Colin was good for me.
He held a hand up to silence me, and then walked toward Colin casually. I didn't know whether to be worried or nervous, but I couldn't move, couldn't think straight, couldn't force my body to put myself between them in case something bad was about to happen.
Brody extended his hand to Colin, a grin stretching his mouth wide, in a smile that was normally only reserved for Michele. Colin removed his arm from around me, standing up and reaching to take Brody's hand, and they shook, but then the strangest thing happened.
Brody pulled Colin into what he and Kyle called the Bro Hug, and when they released, Colin struggled to regain his footing, clearly flustered.
"Westwick, Nic is like my little sister, and I've spent most of my life trying to protect her from guys like Kyle York," he said. "I see now, though, that I don't have to. I'm passing you the torch, and I'm giving the responsibility to you now, because I see how much you care about her." He paused to flash a megawatt grin at Michele, and then turned to face Colin again. "But you should know that if you hurt her, I will break your face, and then I'll let Michie here take a few swipes at you. So don't say you weren't warned."
We all burst into laughter, but I knew he wasn't joking, not by a long shot.
"Gee, nice to know you have such faith in me," Colin said, but he nodded in acknowledgment.
He sat back down, wrapping his arms around me again. I felt warm inside and out, knowing that Colin loved me and I loved him, and my best friend, whose approval I craved most of all, had finally given us our blessing.
Losing Me Page 14