"Why not?" he asked, automatically. "I ruined yours."
I laughed, walking away with him after a light squeeze of his shoulder.
"No you didn't," I said. "I'm still here, aren't I?"
I rounded the corner, heading back to where my family and friends were, finding Colin. I wrapped my arms around his neck and gave him a quick pop kiss. He wrapped his arms around my waist, picking me up and twirling me around.
"I'm so proud of you," he whispered.
"Thank you," I replied.
When my feet were firmly on the ground once more, I pulled away from him and placed my hands on either side of his face. I looked him in his emerald green eyes, smiling at him genuinely.
"I need to handle the parentals," I said. "Come by my house in about two hours?"
He nodded, giving me a kiss on the forehead.
My parents were standing in the front of the community center, holding each other and looking utterly devastated. I assumed that Nomi was in the car, and I knew that I'd have to talk to her about everything later. I walked over to my daddy and hugged him around the waist.
"Come on, Daddy," I said. "Let's go home."
Thirty Two.
Handling my parents was easier than I'd thought it would be, but only where the incident with Kyle was concerned. They'd openly expressed how proud they were of me for defending him at the community center, and how proud they were of me for sharing my story with all of them after a year of keeping it inside.
My mother was easily comforted, but Daddy was nearly inconsolable. I was sure that on many levels, he felt like he was somehow responsible for what had happened to me, and no matter how much I tried to convince him otherwise, he didn't believe me.
He'd just said, "Pumpkin, for as long as I live, any time somebody hurts you is gonna hurt me more than you'll ever know. Just wait until you have kids of your own."
Once he'd said that, I took the opportunity to bring up the issue of me moving in with Colin. After the incident at the community center, I realized that what I wanted more than anything was to live with him. I convinced myself to ask my parents by reminding myself that it wouldn't hurt at all to ask. The worst that they could say was no.
We were all sitting at the kitchen table, holding hands when I decided that it was either now or never.
That was the easy part. The hard part would be actually asking for my dad's permission. I knew that Daddy was old-fashioned, but he wasn't quite the type to be mean or interrogative. I didn't expect the best from him, but I didn't expect the worst either.
I gulped nervously, trying hard to keep my composure.
It's all in your head, Nic, I thought. It's all in your head. Just breathe.
"Daddy, Mom, I know this is probably the worst time possible to bring this up, but I wanted to ask your permission to move in to Colin's apartment with him," I said, in one quick, hasty breath.
Everything was so silent, I could have heard a pin drop from all the way upstairs. All that I could hear was everyone's slow, steady breathing as my dad's face turned beet red and my mom nearly choked on her drink.
"Is that so?" Daddy asked, finally, his mouth a thin, tight line.
Before my mom could even interject, I burst into my speech.
"Daddy," I said, sitting forward. "You know that Colin has gotten permission from his parents to live on his own, due to his strained relationship with his father. We follow all of your rules, no matter what. He doesn't spend the night when no one is here, and he doesn't keep me out past 1 a.m. We make sure that our relationship doesn't get in the way of our grades, and I make sure that I keep up my responsibilities at home--sometimes Colin even helps me with them." I looked at my mom, and her eyes were wide, but I could see that she was carefully weighing the options. "I think given recent events, Colin and I have proven that we're responsible. Colin's done everything possible to protect me. I love him, and we plan to go off to college together next fall. My relationship with Colin isn't a normal one. We love each other very much and I know it's really fast, but I think that this would be a good idea. I think it would be beneficial to our relationship, and it would give me some time to adjust to living away from you before we leave for school."
I stared at my dad as he ran his hands through his hair. His eyes squinted at me, and his mouth curled up on one side, as though he was deep in thought.
"Will you two be having sex?" he asked.
"Daddy!" I groaned in protest at the same time that my mom yelled, "Jude!"
He threw his hands up in the air as though this was such a natural question.
I was beyond embarrassed, but I didn't expect him to understand that after being raped, I didn't want to move in with my boyfriend just so that I could have sex with him.
"It's a fair question!" he exclaimed in response.
"No, it's okay. I want to answer," I said. I turned to face my dad, taking his hand. "Daddy, given the, er, recent revelations about me and Kyle, I'm sure you'll understand why I'm more than mortified at that question. To answer your question, though: no. We've talked about it, and we've mutually decided that it would be best to save that part of our relationship for marriage--or at least as close to marriage as we can get."
My dad cracked a smile, seemingly satisfied with that answer. He stood up, pacing around the living room, occasionally shooting daggers at me with his eyes. He did that for a few minutes, and then sat down again, crossing his arms in front of him as he leaned forward.
"Marriage, eh?" Daddy asked. "There are talks of marriage already?"
He stared at me for a long time, but then he stopped and laughed.
"No," I said. "It's not something that's coming up tomorrow, but if you want to know where I think I see my relationship with Colin going, we've both agreed that marriage is definitely on the table--when the time is right, of course."
My dad didn't miss a single beat before he jumped in for the kill once again.
"Do you love him, Pumpkin?" he asked, his eyes filled with nothing but concern.
"Yes, Daddy," I said. "I do."
My entire body shook with anticipation. I didn't know what would happen by the end of the afternoon, didn't know if my dad would say yes or no. I was nervous and excited all at the same time.
"So you won't be having sex then," Daddy said, stroking his beard. "And no babies until you're out of college, right?"
Suddenly, I started to feel as though the outcome of this wasn't so bright. I had a feeling that he was going to say no, that he was going to deny me this opportunity. Most parents didn't let their seventeen year old move in with their boyfriend for senior year, but Colin and I weren't a normal couple. And my parents definitely weren't normal parents.
I promised myself that no matter what Daddy said, my relationship with Colin would be fine. We would just postpone living together until we went off to college. We'd be just like all the other couples.
"I really appreciate you asking my permission, Pumpkin," Daddy said, looking pointedly at me. He pulled his hand away from mine and took my mom's hand gently. "Alicia, Nickayla is the kind of girl who will do what she wants, as long as her heart is in it, so I know that she must really want this if she's here asking us for permission to do this." He paused, running his hand over his face before he gazed at me sadly through his hazel eyes. "I'm really protective over you girls, Nic--you'll see what I mean when you have a daughter of your own. But I've never seen two kids more in love than you two." He turned to look at me, a smile on his face. "Do you mind giving your mom and me a minute while we think this over?
I shook my head.
He nodded, and then stood up.
They were gone for a long time, and occasionally, I could hear my mom's raised voice, and my dad arguing back at her. I wasn't sure what he was going to say, or what was going to happen. I was really just hoping for the best outcome.
Half an hour later when my parents emerged from their bedroom, my mom was in tears and my dad looked gruff. He stood in front of me, a s
ad expression on his face as though he'd just found out he lost his job or something.
"Well, I'll tell you what," Daddy said. He took my hand, looking down at me as though I were five years old again. "I'm sure gonna miss having you around here, kiddo. But I hope you come visit your poor old dad every once in a while."
I smiled, releasing the breath I didn't know I'd been holding.
"I promise, I will," I said. "Does that mean you're saying yes?"
I didn't care if I looked like a damn fool. I was so excited, my fingers were drumming on the edge of the table and my knee was jiggling a thousand miles a minute as I anticipated their answer.
"Yes, we're saying yes," my mom said. "You've grown up in the past year more than any teenager should ever have to, and I'm so sorry for that. Just be responsible mija, and come visit us often."
I jumped up out of my seat, tears filling my eyes leaping into my dad's arms and hugging him tighter than I'd ever hugged him before.
"Thank you, Daddy! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I exclaimed. I released him and rushed over to my mom. "Thank you, Mom!"
As excited as I was, I still was having trouble processing everything. The day's events were all still fresh in my mind, and I couldn't stop the tears from spilling over and out of my eyes. I buried my face in my hands, and before I knew it, I was full out sobbing.
My mom was behind me, rubbing my back in small circles.
"It's okay, mija, it's been a really long day," she said. "Why don't I go run you a warm bath with some lavender oil? You just relax until Colin gets here?"
I nodded slowly, too overwhelmed with emotion to respond.
She went to the bathroom upstairs and I could hear the water run as she drew a bath for me. I just stayed in my chair sobbing while I waited for her to retrieve me.
I was such a Goddamn mess. There I was, seventeen years old, just given permission to move in with my boyfriend, and I was bawling like a three year old and waiting for my mommy to come get me so I could take a bath. I couldn't help but smile at the irony of it all.
"I love you, Pumpkin," Daddy said, running his hand over my back.
I nodded.
A few minutes later, my mom came back downstairs and helped me to my feet. I had to force myself to walk up the stairs, but I clung to my mom for dear life. Once in the bathroom, she pulled off my shirt and tugged it up and over my head. She helped me step out of my jeans and ran a paddle brush through my hair before helping me step into the bathtub.
I closed my eyes, loving the feeling of the lavender-infused water on my tired skin. I sat forward, my mom grabbing my loofa, squeezing body wash onto it, and handing it to me. I gave her a quiet thank you, proceeding to scrub my body slowly and carefully.
I recalled the morning after the rape, how I'd scrubbed my skin raw in a desperate attempt to cleanse myself of the dirty feeling. I remembered feeling like I would never get rid of it, like I'd never feel clean again.
I washed myself as quickly as possible, then I turned on the shower head so that I could wash my hair. I pumped a decent amount of shampoo into my hands, lathering it in my hair and massaging my scalp to clean it properly.
I sat on the floor of the bathtub, my knees pulled up to my chest as the water beat down against my skin. I allowed the endless stream to wash away my tears, my self-shame, my guilt, and my pain, as well as the all the bad feelings that had come over me in the recent hours.
I felt so empty, yet so full. I rocked back and forth, as I closed my eyes, trying to erase all the memories of the rape, the incident with Kyle last week, and the looks on my loved ones' faces as I told them about what had hurt me in the past.
I wasn't sure how long I sat in the bathtub, but once I heard a knock at the bathroom door, I was in a rush to jump out of the icy cold water and get dressed. I dried my hair quickly, letting the wet curls hang loosely around my face. I pulled on a bra and tank top, then stepped into my pajama shorts as the knocking on the door got faster and more frantic.
"I'm coming!" I said, hanging up my towel and tossing my dirty laundry into the hamper at the end of the bathtub.
I wrenched the door open, only to find Colin standing before me. His eyes widened at the sight of me, and he leaned against the wall of the hallway.
"Goddamn it," Colin said. "You can give a guy a heart attack looking like that."
I gave him a weak smile, but I could tell that it didn't appease him. Wordlessly, Colin tucked his hand behind my knees and the other behind my back, lifting me into his arms with little to no effort on his part.
He carried me to my bedroom door, propping me against his knee as he opened the door and hen closed it behind us. He walked over to my bed and sat down, extending his legs and letting me sit on his lap as he cradled me against his chest.
I shook, but I didn't cry. I was all cried out. I just let him hold me in the way that only he knew how, and I held him tightly, because I couldn't bear the thought of him leaving, not while I felt so fragile.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
I nodded against him, looking up at his worried, anxious eyes. I twined my fingers in his hair, pulling him close to me.
"Yeah," I said. "I'm okay. I just lost track of time while I was in the bath." He nodded, then reached underneath my bed for a small paper bag, picking it up and handing it to me.
"What's this?" I asked.
He opened the bag, revealing two warm cinnamon rolls and two ice cold bottled Starbucks Frappuccino's. He handed one of each to me, grinning widely.
"I figured you could use something sweet to help cheer you up," he replied softly.
I grinned, genuinely this time, taking a small bite of my cinnamon roll and moaning appreciatively. It was moist and soft, incredibly sweet.
"Oh!" I exclaimed, reveling in the taste of the sweet treat as I took another bite. "You love me!"
Colin laughed, taking a bite of his own and popping open his Frappuccino.
"That I do," he said. "I know today was pretty rough for you, and you might not want to talk about it, but I kind of do."
I nodded skeptically. The day's events were still fresh in my mind, and after the fact that I protected Kyle from my brothers surely didn't sit well with Kyle.
"Okay," I said. "But first, I kind of want to thank you for not hitting him, as much as you might have wanted to."
Colin chuckled, taking a sip of his drink. He sat forward, and I made a move to scramble off his lap, but he pulled me back against him and held me close. He rested his chin on the top of my head, sighing deeply.
"Honestly, I didn't want to hit him," he said. "It can't be easy to carry around the weight of knowing that he's hurt you, so honestly, I just feel sorry for the guy. Me hitting him would have just made things worse, and I definitely don't want you to call me a 'fucking Neanderthal' like you did Brody."
I playfully smacked his chest, laughing along with him.
I was glad that someone understood where I was coming from where Kyle was concerned. He was someone who was in my past, and Colin was my future. After this conversation, I didn't want to dwell on what had happened last year a moment longer.
"So what did you want to talk about?" I asked.
Colin sighed again, kissing the top of my head.
"I just wanted to say that I'm proud of you," Colin said, honestly. "I know I've been saying that nonstop lately, but it's true. What you went up there and did today--not just telling your story, but also protecting Kyle--was amazing. It's something that most people in your position wouldn't do, and I'm proud that the girl I'm in love with has such a big and amazing heart." Colin kissed me on the lips, and his mouth was gone just as quickly as it had come. "You're beyond amazing, Nickayla Quinn, and it's an absolute pleasure to know that my heart's been stolen by you."
I rested my head against Colin's chest, wrapping my arm around him as his hand smoothed over my curly hair.
"I love you, Colin," I said. "It's an absolute pleasure to know that my heart's so cherished by you."<
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I could almost hear his grin, and as cute as I assumed it was, I didn't want to kiss him, not at that moment. My head rested against his heart and I could feel it beating a thousand miles a minute.
I was perfectly fine holding him and resting my head in my favorite place. We didn't have to speak, we didn't have to kiss, we didn't have to touch and feel each other to the point of retreat. All that we had to do was lie there in each other's arms, and that was more than enough. We communicated with simple movements, small gestures--a trace of my hand across his chest, a tuck of my hair behind my ear, our hands twining together.
We were one, and we didn't have to do anything special to prove it.
It occurred to me at that moment to tell Colin about my parents giving me permission to move into him, but I decided that I'd much rather make him squirm for it, and I'd much rather watch his face light up in surprise when I finally told him the good news.
"How are your parents doing?" Colin asked, his hand moving up and down my arm, warming me up. "Your dad looked like someone kicked his cat when you guys left."
I looked up, touching the side of his face lightly as I smiled at him.
"He'll be okay," I said. "It's a daddy thing."
I rested my head against his chest once more, reveling in the sound of his heartbeat as it thumped below me. His arms tightened around my body, and we both breathed deeply in unison.
"Babe?" I asked, not bothering to look up at him.
He looked down at me, taking my chin between his thumb and forefinger and pulling me lightly so that I was forced to meet his fiery green gaze. He kissed me lightly on the lips, pulling away slightly as our foreheads resting against each other.
"Yeah, pretty girl?" he asked.
I sighed, pressing my lips to his, just because they were so soft, pink, and inviting.
"What now?" I questioned, because that was what we did. We made decisions together.
Colin grinned down at me, grinning at me once more. Our lips met, slowly at first, and then the kiss heated up within nanoseconds. My hands found his chest, and they moved down as I rubbed the ridges of his abs. His hands roamed up my back, finding my hair and tugging lightly on my curls so that my head tilted back as he deepened the kiss.
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