“Youse got nothin’ to worry about,” Don Guido shouted above the increasingly violent waves crashing against the ship. “Weese are here for youse.”
“Damn it,” I yelled. “Don Guido, I just repaired your nards. You should be begging Stella’s forgiveness. Not taking your last fucking swim. GO HOME.”
“Who is he talking to?” Joan asked.
“Don Guido,” Pirate Sven confirmed. “Lobster—Good friend of his that can’t keep his pecker in his shell. Same one that got castrated by his fifth wife and current mistress—total eejit.”
“Got it,” she replied and joined Kurt and me at the rail of the ship.
“Joan,” I said, angling my body so I was slightly behind my brother just in case she was still in the ass zapping mode. “I want you to go down below. You’ll be safer and if the ship goes down you can swim to safety.”
“Say that again,” Joan ground out between clenched teeth as her wild blue hair began to blow and her skin started to shimmer.
Gods, she was hot when she was pissed. “Umm… which part?” I asked, knowing I’d stuck my foot in my mouth again.
“Rectum knob,” Kurt said, rolling his eyes. “Mermaids are almost as deadly as we are. I’m thinking you just insulted her. You’re batting zero right now.”
“Shite,” I muttered. I couldn’t help myself. I was worried sick about Don Guido and the rest of the nards that were swimming alongside us. I’d be horrified if they didn’t make it. However, I wouldn’t want to see tomorrow if Joan didn’t make it.
My Mermaid stood tall and proud. Unfortunately my Johnson took notice. It was going to be a bit awkward to negotiate with a boner, but…
“I’m not going anywhere. This is my fight as much as yours. I might not be able to talk to the bulbous jackholes, but I can smack down like no one’s business,” she said. “My glitter fish bombs could blow this ship sky high. I got you into this. If we’re going down, I’m going down with you.”
“I hope ye have good aim, little Mermaid,” Pirate Sven said, clearly concerned for his frigate.
“I have excellent aim. Just ask Keith’s ass,” my Mermaid replied with a smirk.
She had a point.
What to do… The potential for dying was looming large. Even though we were immortal we could still bite the dust—literally. The Krakens were about a half-mile away and swimming fast. There was a fine chance that talking to them would solve very little. Should I piss my Mermaid off more?
I was pretty sure she’d said respect and trust were important. But I also thought she’d said she was dating Pirate Doug. Damn it, that invisible fucker had caused more problems for me than Don Guido’s balls had.
Whatever.
I was going to tell her like it was. If she didn’t like it, she could zap my ass again. I healed up quick.
“Here’s the deal, Joan,” I said, quickly scanning the horizon and gauging how far away the enemy was. “I’m sorry I thought you were boinking your brother-in-law. But you’ve gotta cut me a break here. One, I’m not a good test taker.”
“He’s not,” Kurt confirmed. “The only way we got through school was cheating off of Joe Pesci.”
“The actor?” Pirate Sven inquired.
“Nope, a snail shifter,” Kurt replied. “Total dong. Got all the answers wrong—Keith and I got F’s. Disappeared fifty years ago. Heard he went into witness protection for pimping Sea Sponges as human contraception. Lots of babies born while that motherfucker was loose.”
“I’ve got nothing to say to that one,” the Crab Pirate muttered.
“I’m laying it on the line because there’s a slight chance I might not have this opportunity again—ever. So I’m just gonna say it even if it freaks you out… I love you,” I shouted as her mouth dropped open in shock. “I knew the minute I laid eyes on you all those years ago. And more importantly, I know you love me and not that fucking Pirate Doug.”
“Asswhacker,” Kurt cut in. “I believe it’s been established that she wasn’t boinking the Pirate.”
“Right. My bad. I thought you were boinking the Pirate. Just forget that last part. I know that the only way you could have gotten to Paradise was to cry seven tears. Am I right?” I demanded.
“Umm… yes,” Joan said, still looking startled.
“So that means I’m your true fucking love. You feel me? Not Pirate Doug. Wait. Strike that part,” I said, punching myself in the head before Kurt took it upon himself to do it.
“But am I your true love? For real?” she whispered.
“Of course, you are,” I said. “That tear shit wouldn’t have worked if I wasn’t.”
“Are you serious?”
“Nope, I’m Keith, your one and only true fucking love with the fabulous Johnson,” I said with a laugh.
“You’re sure?”
“That my Johnson is fabulous?” I asked.
“No,” she said with an eye roll. “That you love me?”
“Does Waterworld suck hairy donkey balls?” I asked her.
“Hey now,” Pirate Sven grumbled. “Don’t ye be dissin’ my movie.”
Joan’s smile pulled at her gorgeous mouth and I felt tears of relief fill my eyes.
“Sorry, Pirate Sven,” she called out over the now raging wind. “Waterworld sucks hairy donkey balls.”
“Yessssss,” I said as I let a few tears fall. “Hey Pirate, I just cried, you crazy motherhumper. I’m a real man.”
“Aye,” Pirate Sven said with a chuckle. “I believe ye are. However, ye might be a dead man if ye don’t get to work.”
I looked over at my Mermaid—my true love—and I smiled.
“You ready to kick some Kraken ass?” I asked her.
“I am,” she said as she tackled me and laid the most fabulous kiss on my lips that I’d ever experienced. “I’ve been dying to do that since I got here.”
“Save that thought. We’re not dying today and I want a rain check. I’d also like to see your rack and get naked and sweaty. Cool?”
“Cool,” she replied with a giggle.
“We have to get the sea creatures to leave,” Kurt said, still staring in horror at all of our friends speeding through the water ready to defend us.
“No time, Tar Stains,” Pirate Sven shouted. “We’ve got incoming. At least we’re taking them on the open sea and not on the Mystical Isle. If the bastards hit shore they multiply.”
“Well, that’s not going happen if I have anything to do with it. You ready?” I asked my brother.
“Nope, but that’s never stopped me before. Not gonna let it stop me today.”
I grinned and gave him a quick punch to the gut. He followed it up with an excellent right hook to my jaw. “Insult me, you smelly butt balloon.”
“Is that all you’ve got, squirty tool burger?” he shot back with a wide smile.
“You want more, steamy crust freckle?” I asked with a raised brow and a matching smile.
“Always, chunky toe jam warrior.”
“Drooling pudding nugget,” Kurt shouted triumphantly.
“Funky Dookie Twig.”
“I’m ready,” my brother shouted.
“Me too,” I shouted back.
“Me three, hairy sphincter knuckles,” Joan yelled.
“That’s my girl,” I announced with pride at the top of my lungs. “Let’s do this.”
15
Ariel
Life was perfect—well… kind of, sort of. My true love loved me. However, as fanfreakintastic as that was there was a very real potential that we were all about to die.
The Krakens didn’t look like they’d come for a nice chat. I could tell both Keith and Kurt were distracted by the very real chance that all the sea creatures following us could come to great harm or possibly die. The collateral damage that could occur was unacceptable.
I was feeling highly stressed as well, but Pirate Sven had made a good point. At least we were on open water. My family and home were safe—for now.
The Pirate was
the only one of our quartet that appeared calm. Weird.
Whatever. I had an idea and I was going for it. I might not be able to negotiate, but I could possibly stop some of the carnage.
I eyed the slimy, bulbous, monsters and narrowed my gaze. The Krakens were enormous—bigger than Pirate Sven’s ship. They were huge greenish heads with legs and punched in faces. Fighting six Krakens was next to impossible. I prayed to Poseidon, Zeus and every other major and minor deity I could think of that talking to them would work… but I doubted it. It was going to take something more. I just didn’t know what and I didn’t have a whole lot of time to figure it out.
But I did know this… the Krakens were not going to destroy my island and they were not going to ruin my happily ever after. I’d been waiting two hundred freakin’ years for my Prince Charming and some ugly, pissed off, swimming buttholes were not going to take that away from me. After another quick prayer to Poseidon, I was ready to roll.
“Duck and hang on,” I shouted to my crew as I raised my arms high and called to the wind.
Blue crystals exploded from my fingertips and the ship stopped its forward motion, coming to a jerky halt that violently threw all of us forward. Making sure no one had gone overboard, I jumped back up and waved my hands in a circular motion. I’d done this a million times, but never in a life or death situation. I did it when we played volleyball with the sharks. They cheated constantly and I’d come up with a foolproof way to keep the toothy bastards on their side of the net—so to speak.
The winds followed my command and I sliced my arms through the air in a downward motion, separating our ship and our fishy friends from the Krakens. There was no way now for the Krakens to swim under the ship and there was no way for the fish to get near the Krakens.
“What did you do?” Keith asked, watching the dolphins, turtles and swordfish bump into something invisible and bounce back in surprise.
“It’s a divider of sorts. I developed it because the sharks are double crossing turd knockers when it comes to water sports,” I told him. “It’ll keep the sea creatures from getting swallowed up by the Krakens.”
“The Mermaid is mine,” Keith shouted with delight and pride. “How long will it last?”
“Umm… I’ve only ever needed it for about fifteen minutes. The sharks always bit through all the volleyballs in the first round.”
“Got it. Joan—my true love—stand by and be prepared to throw glitter fish bombs.”
“Roger that,” I said as I rubbed my hands together in anticipation.
“Pirate Sven, you crabby bastard,” Keith said, sounding every bit the Selkie warrior he was. “You have any special gifts that might help out with the impending shitshow?”
“Aye, Tar Stain. I do. I control something very precious.”
“Wanna share?” Keith asked. “As much as I love the guessing game, I’m a little pressed for time at the moment.”
“Ye just guessed it, eejit,” the Pirate said with a laugh.
“Umm… could you be more specific?” Keith asked, pointing at the growling and screeching Krakens.
“I’m not at liberty to tell ye.”
“Are you fucking serious?” Keith shouted, squinting at the Pirate like he was insane.
“Nay,” the Pirate said with a chuckle. “I’m Pirate Sven.”
“Can you give me a hint?” Keith asked, rolling his eyes.
“Aye. If ye guess it, ye can use it. And if ye don’t, yarr shite out of luck,” the Pirate said. “Until I am measured, I am not known. Yet how ye will miss me when I have flown.”
“You’re a bird!” Kurt yelled triumphantly.
“Nay, dumbarse. Try again.”
“Another hint, you Waterworld loving jacknard?” Keith huffed, keeping his eyes on the teeth gnashing of the Krakens.
Thankfully the invisible net was holding them… for the moment.
“As ye wish,” the Pirate said. “I can control that which is harmless, but can kill ye.”
“You’re a Johnson?” Keith asked.
“Fer the love of Poseidon’s Seven Seas, are ye fucking kidding?”
“Umm… yes?” Keith answered, clearly confused.
I stared at the old Pirate. He was playing a game and he reminded me of someone—a certain green haired freak. But Pirate Sven wasn’t Poseidon in disguise. Nope. He was someone else entirely.
“Is Sven your real name?” I demanded, staring hard at the old Pirate.
“Nay,” he said with a sly little smirk.
“Are you really a Pirate Shifting Crab?” I asked.
“Today I am, little Mermaid.”
If he wanted to play games, we would. And I would win. I had too. I had far too much to lose. “What can fly without wings?” I asked the surprised Pirate.
“Go on, little Mermaid,” he said with a chuckle.
“What will eventually kill even the strongest without lifting a finger to harm,” I asked, wanting to dance around the ship with glee.
“Ye got another, little Mermaid?” Pirate Sven inquired, now smiling wide.
“What is something that’s priceless, but impossible to hold?”
“Ye are far too smart for the Selkie,” he said.
“Maybe,” I agreed. “But I love him.”
“Hello,” Keith yelled in a huff. “Anybody want to clue me in here? I’ve got a little fucking Kraken issue.”
“Pirate Sven isn’t Pirate Sven—at all,” I said. “If I had to take a guess, I’d say his real name his Chronos—the God of Time.”
“I prefer Pirate Chronos—the God of Time,” he corrected me.
“Are you shitting me?” Keith demanded. “You can control time, yet you’re terrified of Mormon dust bunnies?”
“Aye,” Pirate Chronos said with a shudder. “The Mormon dust bunnies are terrifying.”
The screeches of the Kraken’s grew so loud I had to put my hands over my ears. The louder it got the more it sounded like thousands of babies crying. It pulled at my heart, which was odd. There was no way in hell I would go near them, but all my instincts were to comfort them. Wait. Was that possible? Were they crying?
“Do you hear that?” I shouted over the wails.
“How can you miss it?” Kurt asked wincing in pain. “Pretty sure they want to eat us and the ship.”
“I don’t think so,” I said, getting excited as Pirate Chronos watched me with interest.
“What do ye think, little Mermaid?” he asked.
“Here’s what I think. I think they’re in pain. Keith can you tell if they’re in pain?” I asked.
“Have to touch them,” he replied. “That’s a little dicey at the moment. They have some big fucking teeth.”
Breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth, I stood on the deck of the ship and wondered if the old adage of beware of what you wish for was going to bite me in my ass. I wanted adventure. I wanted true love. I wanted dangerous missions. It was all in front of me. And I was pretty sure I knew how to make it all work and get laid later this evening.
If I was wrong. We were all going to end up in Davy Jones’ locker at the bottom of the sea—or in a Kraken’s digestive track.
But if I was right…
“Pirate Chronos, freeze time. Leave Keith, Kurt, you and me able to traverse the spell. Let it affect the Krakens but leave them cognizant enough to speak,” I insisted.
“Are ye sure that’s what ye want?” Pirate Chronos asked, raising a brow.
“Yes,” I said. “It’s what I want. How long will it last?”
“Ten minutes. Ten minutes that ye will never get back. Ten minutes that might haunt ye for the rest of yer immortal life. And ye will owe me a favor.”
I grinned and shrugged. “Not a problem. How about I put in a good word for you with Bony Velma Dustface?”
A burst of delighted laughter came from the God of Time and he nodded with approval. “That will do just fine, little Mermaid.”
“Umm… this is sounding a little iffy,�
� Keith pointed out.
“You want to see my rack?” I asked him.
“I do,” Kurt volunteered right before Keith walloped him in the head.
“Of course, I want to see your rack,” Keith said as Kurt shook off the blow and flipped off his brother. “What does seeing your rack have to do with negotiating with a Kraken?”
“We need to live in order for you to see my rack,” I told him.
“I see where you’re going with this,” Keith said. “You have a plan?”
“Do you trust me?” I asked.
“With my life,” Keith replied.
“Then as soon as the Pirate freezes the slimy buttholes, you and Kurt go touch them. I don’t think they’re mad. I think they’re hurting,” I said.
Keith and Kurt’s eyes grew wide and an expression of enormous relief crossed their handsome faces.
“We don’t have to pull on the mac daddy of our magic,” Kurt said, so relieved his knees buckled. “We won’t drain the ocean and kill everything we love. This is fucking great.”
“Best damned day of my life,” Keith said staring straight at me. “Let’s do this.”
“On three,” Pirate Chronos yelled over the wind. “One. Two. THREE.”
Gods, I hoped I was right.
I wanted the very thing that I’d told Pirate Chronos to freeze. I wanted time—time with my true love. Time with my family. Time to have more adventures.
And only time would tell if I would get my wish.
16
Keith
I’d never witnessed anything like it and quite honestly I hoped I never witnessed it again. The atmosphere felt like a living death—no joy—devoid of everything I loved about the ocean. Pirate Jackoff aka Pirate Chronos aka the God of Time began to glow so brightly I had to shield my eyes. He grew in size and his short, scraggly, grey beard was suddenly long, white and curly. His pinchers morphed to hands, his eyes sparkled an eerie silver and his breeches were replaced with flowing golden robes.
Of course the robes were pressed…
Thankfully his weird speech pattern stayed the same. There was only so much change I could handle at the moment.
“Holy shite,” I whispered as the grumpy old Pirate’s face turned into a clock. Fucking weird didn’t even begin to describe it.
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