“I am not just thinking of me,” he bellowed back, unaffected by my snarling. “Do you think this life is easy for your sister? I am trying to give her as much normalcy and I can. Can’t you think of someone other than yourself for once, Will?”
The force of his words hit me hard, and I blinked, stumbling back stunned. It was selfish, wasn’t it? Wanting something more. I thought of the girl standing at the window and did indeed want more.
“I know, I am sorry,” I stammered, my anger leaving as quickly as it came. “Nothing happened, no one saw me. I just walked.” I looked up into his concerned eyes and nearly choked on my own pain, causing me to pause. “I think I just need some time alone. I will be upstairs for a while,” I said, as I scrambled up toward my room. What was happening to me?
I suppose my father deserved to know about my encounter, but I was still too shaken. I felt strange, like I wasn’t myself. For many years, all I had thought about was blood and hurt and for the first time, it wasn’t the only thing on my mind. I certainly had some thinking to do. Seeing the girl, hearing her play stirred things in me that I hadn’t felt in a very long time. I couldn’t make sense of this new longing. I didn’t know what it was and for once in my life, I was not sure what to do. I lay on the bed and stared at the ceiling. I sighed loudly and squeezed my eyelids closed. I could still see her and hear the sweet melody playing in my mind. Eventually, I drifted off to sleep, still ruminating about the mystery girl and her song.
I listened for my brother to come back but fell asleep sometime in the quiet hours of night. Thank god tomorrow was Saturday and I wouldn’t have to get up early. Or so I thought. I woke to the sound of feuding voices downstairs. The light of dawn was slowly trickling through the windows, and it was clear that my father was arguing with Will about something. Quietly, I crept to the top of the stairs to try to hear better.
“I think I just need some time alone…” my brother’s voice finished, and I heard him heading in my direction. I scrambled back down the hallway and within a second, I was back behind my own closed door, hopefully undetected by either one.
It wasn’t unusual for my father and brother to fight. They often fought when Will was home, although rarely in front of me. They tended to be slightly overprotective and treat me as if I were still six. When I was around, they’d pretend things were fine. Neither one of them would try to understand the other’s point of view. I wished they would. I wanted my brother home again.
As much as I wanted to go to Will and see what was going on, I knew that it would only annoy him at this point. He clearly needed his space and I would grant him that. Instead, I just messed around in my room, listening to music, finishing my homework, and reading a little. After a while, I couldn’t stand it anymore and decided to find out was going on. I knew where every floor board creaked and carefully avoided the worst. My hand was poised over the door to knock when I hesitated. Breathing in the familiar smell of oak, I sighed deeply and rapped the door slightly.
“What.” His voice sounded muffled as if he was smothering it.
“Can I come in?” I called out softly.
“I guess.” A slightly inviting response, I suppose. “Can’t a guy get some sleep around here?” he mumbled.
I entered Will’s room tentatively and walked over to sit on the edge of his bed where he was still lounging. He sat up and smiled, pretending everything was fine and trying to hide the fact that he looked awful. His skin was pale and the purple crescents under his eyes only drew attention to the wild look deep in them. He looked like a startled animal. Unease was not something I was used to seeing from him.
“What’s up? How’s school?” He asked, leaning over to muss my hair as if I was still ten. I ducked out of the way, but not before his fingers caught in my curls.
“School’s great. We talked about that yesterday, remember?” I answered, rolling my eyes. Small talk was not why I had come in here, so I hastily changed the subject. “Hey, you look like hell. You really should drink or something. What’s up with you?”
“Cee, I’m sure that people will warm up to you eventually,” he said ignoring my insult and leaning back against the headboard, with his hands behind his head.
“Gee, thanks. That’s very comforting. And you still haven’t answered my question.” He wasn’t going to escape my questions that easily.
“Seriously, what’s going on? You were fine, and then you went out all night and I heard you fighting with father this morning. Not to mention the fact that you’ve been holed up in here for hours. Is everything okay? I mean, I know that you don’t love being here, but usually you’re at least a little social with me.” I stared intently at him, trying to show him how serious I was. I could sense a darkness rolling off him in waves, but it was happening so quickly that I couldn’t decipher anything. Reading people is something that I’ve always been good at, especially when it came to my brother. He could never hide a thing from me. “You just aren’t yourself. I mean, you just seem… I don’t know, murky. What happened?” I prodded again.
“Nothing, it’s just…” His words faded off as he lay back down and rolled over, turning his back to me before continuing. “Celia, you have been acting like a human far longer than I have.”
I smiled. It was going to be that kind of conversation. Well, at least he was talking.
“I don’t act like a human, Will. We live in a human world and I don’t like to think of myself as being so different. Besides, technically, we are still humans. Just humans with an incurable disease that requires ingesting blood to survive and grants us an unnaturally long life.” I tried the joking approach, but Will didn’t even crack a smile.
“Come on Cee, that’s not what I mean. I’m talking about really being human. Do you remember what it was like to have human feelings?”
I continued to scan his face, but his features were still unreadable and I couldn’t tell where this was going.
“Yes. I mean, I still get angry and happy. I miss you when you’re gone too long. I don’t think I feel them as intensely, but I do feel them,” It was a cruel part of immortality. Our senses may be heightened, but our ability to truly feel has almost disappeared.
I wondered where he was going with this. I was no stranger to odd conversations with my brother, but he had never talked this candidly with me about our affliction, and I couldn’t help but wonder what it meant.
“When I was out last night I saw a girl,” he finally said, looking at his hands, and I immediately thought the worst. I could feel my eyes widen at the thought of him killing someone innocent. He sensed where my mind was going.
“I didn’t kill her. What is it with you two! I didn’t even touch her. I only saw her from a distance,” he quickly assured me. “Actually, that’s not entirely true. I went out for some air, to get away from the whole happy family vibe, when I was hit with the most intoxicating scent. It was full of so much pain, sadness, and despair. I followed it, curious, and it led me to a nearby house. This girl was sitting at a piano. I could feel the disease aching for the taste of her blood. It wanted it so bad. I wanted it so bad. I wanted it worse than anything I have ever wanted before. Then the strangest thing happened. She started playing a melody and everything I had thought I wanted before disappeared, and in its place, something new. Something strange. She was no longer full of gloom and loss, but of hope and longing. I stayed and listened to her play, and when she was done, I just couldn’t get that feeling out of my mind. I have never changed my mind this quickly about anything. One minute I wanted to appease the disease and the next minute, I was filled with something different. I just can’t explain it.” He turned to look out the window and my eyes followed to the lake. I could see the waves in the distance lazily crashing on the shore.
I turned and studied his profile carefully, trying to read him for the truth. He stared innocently as if in deep concentration. A frown played at his lips, but his eyes, which were wild before, were bright and calm. The confusion on his face explaine
d the barrage of energy I was getting from him.
“So you didn’t… hurt her?” My voice was hesitant. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to trust him.
“No, I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. The craving was gone and was replaced with something new. My chest hurt, but not like the need for blood where your muscles feel fatigued. It was like a heaviness constricted me and I couldn’t breathe. Even now, I can still feel it,” he said sadly and for the first time, I could really see how conflicted he really was.
“Do you think you are actually feeling something? I mean, is that why you were asking me about human emotions?” I asked tentatively, already forming a hypothesis in my head.
“I don’t know. Maybe. I guess I don’t know what to think anymore.” He shrugged off my question nonchalantly.
“Will, you aren’t as awful as you think, you know.” He always had such low opinion of himself, refusing to believe that he could ever be good. “I mean, you do still come back here once in a while, and there are times I still see the old you. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. It isn’t impossible for you to be feeling.” I stopped to see if there was a reaction before I continued. “I think you’ve been away from human life for such a long time that you don’t recognize it. Whatever this girl did, she stirred up something in you. Perhaps, what you’re feeling is loneliness.”
He gave me a look of disbelief, but I could also register relief rolling off of him.
“Lonely?” he quipped and our brother/sister moment was gone. “But I live with a bunch of guys. Plus I have you,” he answered sarcastically. There he was again, the Will that he had become. The one that only cared about himself. The one I didn’t quite trust. The one that let the disease take over. Still, something inside of me wanted to keep hoping, especially considering the sliver of innocence he just revealed. I would never give up on him, which is why I kept pushing.
“Well yes, but even humans can feel lonely despite the fact that they have families. It’s different. I don’t know how to explain it, as it’s something I scarcely remember myself. Maybe even immortals can want more.” I paused before continuing hoping my words would sink in and finally reach him. “Perhaps this life isn’t supposed to be all about blood and disease. I think maybe you want more.”
He began laughing and I looked down at my hands, suddenly annoyed with his reaction.
“I think you’ve been hanging around humans for too long,” he suggested, while he rolled out of bed and began pulling clothes out of a giant duffle bag.
“I don’t think that’s very funny, Will,” I said quietly, working hard to control the annoyance that was welling inside me. “I was only trying to help.” Sometimes he can be so frustrating. If it weren’t for the fact that he was my big brother, I would have just left him there on his own. Screw trying to help. But, of course, he was my brother, and I felt someone needed to help him.
Will looked back at me, and the laughter on his face instantly disappeared.
“I’m sorry, Cee. I really would like your help. Maybe you could help me figure out who this mystery girl is and then I can go from there,” he continued.
I stood for a moment, contemplating. If only I could say no. No matter how many times I tried to convince myself to walk away just like he had done to me many times before, I never seemed able to do it. He was looking at me intently, the softness returning to his face, and it was evident that he really wanted this, and there was no way I could turn my back.
“Fine,” I sighed, giving in, “but you need to fill me in on everything. And quit trying to be to be so damn tough.”
He explained again in detail, the events that had happened again, and included a description of the girl and the house this time. I knew that house, and I knew that girl. Her name was Julia Cavallo, and she was my English teacher. I didn’t know very much about her because she was new and young enough to frequently be mistaken for a student. It was common knowledge that she lived alone in the house down the road and that there had been some horrible tragedy in her past. I didn’t concern myself with gossip, so I never bothered to learn what it was. She kept to herself and didn’t seem to be a bother to anyone.
“What are you thinking about, Will. You won’t hurt her, will you?” This new Will was something that would take a bit of getting used to. While my brother hid things around me, I wasn’t an idiot and knew that he wasn’t always the best at self-control.
“No, no, of course not! I gave my word. And to tell you the truth, maybe I am a little tired of that,” he said, although I wondered how truthful his words really were; I was still a fledgling in my attempt at trusting him. “I just want to know more about her so that I can figure this thing out.”
“Okay, good. Because she really is nice, though she is a little sad.”
Will pulled on a clean t-shirt and a pair of pants over his boxers as I looked away.
“Do you think that I could get a job in the school or something?” His expression was quizzical yet held a hint of trouble, and I suddenly realized that he didn’t mean any of this. I had been right to hesitate. Was this all just a game to him? Did he really want to be there to be closer to her or would he just cause trouble. He said that he would behave, but I still wasn’t positive that he could be trusted around so many humans. It had all just been a lie!
“What?” I yelled out. “You want to work at my high school? You really are unbelievable. Here I thought that things were going to be different, and you wouldn’t try to ruin things again. You tell me all about this girl, and I thought that just maybe, you were coming back to me. To think you almost had me convinced to help you.” I stood up and stormed toward the door, but before I could get there, he was in front of me with an iron grip on my shoulders, silver-grey eyes peering into mine.
“No, I didn’t come here to ruin things. You both asked me to come home and I didn’t object because . . . well, because the truth is that I have to lay low for a while. It’s just that …please, Celia. You have to trust me. You’re the only one left who can.” He loosened his grip and let me walk away. There was a pleading in his eyes and a longing as I had never seen. There was nothing to do but believe.
“Will, I’m still not totally sure what you need from us, but I have to ask… what is it that you want? I mean really want.” I turned to ask before I reached the doorway.
His back was to me as he stared out of the window. Running a hand through his dark hair, he sighed.
“I don’t know anymore, Celia. I just don’t know,” he whispered.
“Well, perhaps that’s something you need to figure out first.”
The angst was evident in his posture and I no longer knew what else to say. This was something for him to figure out on his own, at least for now. I slipped out of the room and left him to his thoughts.
An hour later, Will came into the living room where my father and I were both reading. He stood silently, his posture defeated, and both of us looked up expectantly.
“Will,” our father greeted him curtly, a touch of annoyance still there.
“Father,” Will started, “I was thinking. Maybe I should stay here for a while.” His face was expressionless. “Perhaps I could get a job at the school or something.” He let out the breath he had been holding after he rushed out the last part of his statement.
Our father breathed in deeply and closed his book, using a slender finger to mark his page.
“Will, we have talked about this before. I would love for you to stay for a while, but your sister and I enjoy our life here and can’t afford to have you ruin it. You are welcome to stay, but it’s too soon for you to think about being out in the open.”
“I know that I’ve made mistakes before,” he stammered, “but I would like to try.”
Visible shock registered across our father’s face. Will had stayed or rather, been forced to stay out of obligation before, but he had never actually come right out and said that he wanted to try. My father stood and approached Will, still standing in the door
way. The sides of the sofa engulfed me as I sank deeply into it, trying to remain inconspicuous.
“You have forced this family to move a number of times in the past.” The tone of his voice began to rise at the memories, but he quickly controlled it. “You must understand my apprehension. This is our real home and we can’t afford to have you lose control here.”
“I am well aware of that,” Will answered through clenched teeth. He was trying to keep his composure, despite the interrogation from my father. “I’m telling you that I want to try. I thought this is what you always wanted me to do. I can’t explain it; I just really need to do this.”
Will stopped and seemed on the verge of actually telling our father about Julia. His gaze met with mine, and I could see the conflict on his face. I smiled in encouragement, reminding him that I did believe in him. Then he turned back with intensity and resolve.
“I want this.”
The ticking of the clock echoed and counted down time while our father contemplated. I really hoped that he understood. This is something he had wanted for so long, but now that the words had been said, I hoped that he would actually give Will a chance. Even I could see that Will needed this now. Finally he spoke.
“Despite everything, you are my son, and I am still your father. I want to believe you Will, so I will grant you this. Perhaps I can help. Maybe I can call in a favor and get you some work at night, just until we are sure. But I have to trust you, Will. If there is any sign of trouble, you will have to leave as I can’t wait around for you to lose control.”
“I understand.” Will relaxed, the hint of a smile playing across his face. “Thank you,” he whispered and slipped quietly from the room.
The buzzing of the alarm jolted me from my sleep. It was still dark outside and the sun wouldn’t rise for at least another hour, but my alarm went off at 5am every morning to allow me to get in a run before I needed to be at school. My feet hit the cool floor, waking me up a little and encouraging me to move. I slid on my running pants, t-shirt, track jacket, and running shoes and stepped outside into the chilly autumn air.
A Sadness Within Page 3