A Sadness Within

by Sara Fiorenzo

  Eventually, the hot water ran out and I was forced to get out, my fingers and toes as wrinkled as prunes. My skin was steaming, and I knew that my eyes were red and puffy. I was exhausted and it wasn’t even noon! Slowly, I dried myself with a towel and wrapped myself in a robe. Suddenly, the phone rang, making me jump.

  “Hello?” I answered tentatively, wishing I hadn’t gotten rid of the caller ID.

  “Hey, how are you doing?” A sigh of relief. It was Kara. “Do you need anything today?” My best friend always remembered the important things, today being one of the days when I needed a friend the most. She never needed to come right out and say it. I knew what she meant.

  “No, I’m okay. I just got out of the shower. I think I will go to the cemetery and then maybe go to school to get things ready for tomorrow. I just need to keep busy, you know?” Sitting at home would not be an option for me. I needed to keep my mind occupied, so going to school seemed like the logical choice. Anything to distract me. And I wouldn’t need to interact with too many people.

  “Would it be okay if I came over later? I can bring you dinner.” I didn’t think that she was asking me and it would be nice to not be completely alone all day.

  “Yeah, that would be great!” A little girl time would help keep my mind off of things as well. “How about six? I should be done with everything by then.”

  “Okay, I’ll call you in a while.”

  I waited until I heard the click of the phone hanging up, and then I gently placed the phone back into its cradle. My eyes wandered to the living room where the piano was calling me, and I couldn’t help but sit down to play. Music had been in my blood since I was a child, but after Aaron died, it had been hard for me to play because he had always loved to listen to me. Music was what tied us together. He played the violin and I played the piano. We were going to be a famous duet someday, playing concerts all over the world for sold out crowds. We had big plans. For a while after he died, just looking at a piano would make me cry, but after a few months, when everything started to happen with my parents, I couldn’t stay away from it. I needed music to heal. When I did finally play, I avoided his song, the song he had written for me.

  I stared at the keys for a long time before I placed my hands on the smooth ivory, just waiting for the right song. Closing my eyes, I felt myself leave my body for a moment and the melody I had been avoiding for months found me. A memory flashed in my mind. Aaron was smiling and looking at me, asking me to play his favorite song. There was a light in his eyes and he laughed. He danced around the living room as I played. I was only 10 years old at the time. The vision left, and I was pulled back to the present. Tears streamed down my face, and I was shaking. My breath came in short spurts as I stared blankly. I didn’t know what made me want to play it, but I wasn’t sure that it had been a good idea. I placed my hands on the keys again and tried a different melody. This one was more relaxed, and I let its sound take me. My fingers moved effortlessly over the keys, and I let my heart lead the way. When the song finished, I felt much better. I believed that I would have the strength to make it to the cemetery.

  It was a nice enough day so I decided to walk. When I reached the end of the road, my eyes were drawn to the Bradley’s once again, and I was immediately reminded of Celia’s brother, Will, and our chance meeting in the auditorium on Friday. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to him. His grey eyes drew me in, but there was also something else about him. I had played in front of him. I didn’t play in front of anyone, let alone a stranger. I felt at ease with him around. And then I ran away like a coward when he asked me a question. The strange thing was, it wasn’t because I didn’t want to answer him. It was because I felt comfortable enough to answer him and that scared the hell out of me. Now, I was embarrassed by my reaction and knowing that I would see him again made me really feel like an idiot. At least thinking about him had taken my mind off of my own problems for a short time.

  I realized that I hadn’t been watching where I was walking, or how far. I looked up suddenly to see where my feet had taken me and realized that I was already at the iron gates of the cemetery. I looked around, sadly sighed, and pushed the gates open.

  The cemetery was very large and very old. It had a gothic beauty to it. Old family crypts dotted the rolling hills. Angels and saints and gargoyles stood watch over the tiny structures. Solitary gravestones filled in the spaces in between. I meandered through the various plots on winding trails, trying to take my time, but it still only took me minutes to get to my destination. The wind swirled in the branches above, sending red leaves tumbling all around me. The ground was damp but I sat anyway, hugging my knees to my chest.

  “Hi Aaron,” I whispered to the cold stone in front of me. “I miss you.” The tears began to flow freely now. It was much harder to keep up my wall when I was here. I missed my brother so much.

  “I wish you were here so that we could talk. I just wish… I wish you were here.”

  I told him all about my life and what was going on now. I could almost hear him answer me in the silence. I talked for what felt like hours, and when I ran out of things to say to him, I lay down in the wet grass, my cheek touching the cold hard ground to feel close to him. I closed my eyes and breathed in the autumn air deeply. I felt drained, like I had nothing left to give.

  I don’t know how long I lay there before I got up to walk home. The cemetery was getting dark. I glanced at my watch and saw that it was 5:30pm. I had been here all afternoon. Kara would be over soon. So much for going to school and getting any work done today. The evening air was growing colder, and I wrapped my arms around myself. Somewhere in the distance, an owl called out. Shadows began to play across the stone crypts and their guardians. I shivered a little and glanced around nervously, hastening to the entrance. The iron gate clanged loudly behind me and I hurried home, sticking to the brightly lit sidewalk.

  I only beat Kara by 15 minutes. Just enough time to put my comfy sweats on, grab a blanket and book and head out to the porch. It wasn’t until I saw her that I remembered that I was supposed to call her.

  “Knock, knock, anyone home?” She was on the porch smiling at me a few seconds later. “I tried calling, but you never answered. I just assumed that you were busy and that I would get to pick our dinner,” she teased.

  “Hey! Thanks for coming over tonight,” I said standing up to hug her. Her moods were infectious. She was always able to bring me back from the darkest of places. “I know, I sorry. I actually spent the entire afternoon at the cemetery. I totally lost track of time and never made it to school. So, what did you bring me for dinner?” I grinned back.

  “Chinese. And it’s from your favorite place!” She held up two brown paper bags and the scent of deep fried deliciousness swirled around them.

  “Did you make sure that they gave you enough sweet and sour sauce?” I asked, digging into the bags.

  “Of course! What kind of friend would I be?”

  We went inside and set up our dinner. We talked about school for a while and then Kara prattled on about her latest dating disaster, all the while avoiding the untouchable subject; the reason she was really here tonight. Kara and I had known each other for years. She had known my family back when we were whole. She had stuck with me through it all. Kara would let me talk about Aaron and my parents if I really wanted to, but I didn’t want to talk about them. She already knew the whole story. She knew how I felt without me having to remind her. Besides, there was something else that I had been thinking of. Or someone, I should say.

  “So you have anything to tell me?” Shock must have registered on my face. Clearly, she knew that something besides my brother had been on my mind today.

  “What do you mean?” I tried to be coy, as I wasn’t really ready to talk about the cute guy with the dark hair and gorgeous eyes yet. I was still trying to sort things out in my head.

  “Oh come on, you know what I mean. You’re hiding something. I know you better than you know yourself. S
omething is on your mind. I can see that you’ve been thinking all day and it isn’t the something I would expect on a day like today.” She was trying to be nonchalant, but her eyes reflected her enthusiasm. She was dying to know whatever it was that I had to tell her. I sighed loudly, guessing I had better just get it over with. I could unload it all. Maybe she would give me the badly needed advice I was seeking.

  “Okay.” I paused for a minute, not really knowing how to continue. How was I going to tell her that I couldn’t seem to stop thinking about Will Bradley, a guy that I had only talked to once and who I had run away from? “Do you know who Celia Bradley is? She is one of my students.”

  “Yeah. Why?” Kara furrowed her brow trying to figure out where all this was going.

  “Well, her older brother just moved back to town and is working at the school in the evenings doing odds and ends. I ran into him Friday night.” I rolled my eyes and tried to act like it was no big deal, as if I talked about boys like this with her all the time.

  “Oh, I just knew that it was boy problems!” She squealed in delight, and I began to see the inner working of Kara’s mind as her overactive imagination began to construct the entire scenario. I could see where this would lead. If I didn’t explain fast, she would be naming our unborn children and planning house colors in minutes.

  “Just wait, it’s not like that!” I stood up and held my hand up in front of her, trying to bring her attention back to me. “It was late after school, and I was in the auditorium. It had been raining, and I was just passing some time until it let up, you know. I felt like playing the piano, so I sat down and just started to play. All of the sudden, I wasn’t alone; he was there, listening. It was dark, and I could barely see or hear him come up to me. Then, he was in front of me. It felt strange to have him there listening while I played, but I didn’t stop.” I hesitated, unsure how to continue. “He started talking to me and asking me questions, and I freaked out and left. Now I feel so dumb.” I sighed loudly and threw my head into my hands.

  “Is he hot?” A snort escaped, and I laughed loudly. Leave it to Kara to miss the important things and focus on his looks.

  “He’s really good looking, but that’s beside the point!” I dismissed her question and tried to bring her back to the problem. “I am so embarrassed by how I acted, and I’m sure that I’ll see him again. He probably thinks I’m a total idiot.” I swirled the last of my egg roll absentmindedly in the sauce.

  “What did he ask you?”

  “Well, he complimented my playing and then pointed out that I play with a lot of emotion. He wondered where it came from.” I sat back down and buried my head in my hands.

  “Oh.”

  “It hit too close to home. I’m not ready to tell a stranger all about my troubled past. But I know he had no idea what he was asking. I think he was just being polite. Besides, I thought everyone knew all about my problems. I mean come on; everyone thinks I’m a ticking time bomb!” I paced around the kitchen nervously.

  “You know that isn’t true. So maybe you should apologize next time you see him. I’m sure he wasn’t offended. And not everyone knows the story of your life.”

  “Yeah, maybe you’re right.”

  Kara dug in for another bite of fried rice and shrugged it off. I pushed my own dinner around my plate and finally shoved it away.

  “That’s not everything, Kara. There’s just something about him. I’m usually so cautious with others, but I felt so comfortable with him, despite the fact that I ran off.” My thoughts took me back to Friday night. There was something unusual about him. I could have sworn that his steel grey eyes could see through to my soul. I got up and walked to the piano bench. Kara followed me into the living room.

  “What do you mean you felt comfortable?” she asked.

  “Well you know how I am. I’m not exactly the world’s most social person. I don’t walk around screaming for attention.” I cautiously lowered my eyes. I was glad that I didn’t have to speak about some things with Kara. She knew how difficult it had been for me after Aaron’s death and then my parents. I felt like a fish in a bowl in this town. Everyone always looked at me with pity. Everyone except Will. Of course, I feared that it was only a matter of time before he found out and started treated me like something fragile and ready to break.

  “When he looked at me,” I continued, “I felt a sense of calm come over me. I can’t explain it.”

  I looked over at her, only to see her staring at me. The incredulous look on her face was discouraging.

  “You know what, never mind. Just forget I said anything.” I waved her off and turned toward the piano, my fingers absentmindedly toying with tapping out random cords.

  “What do you mean, forget about it? Jules, this is big… no this is more than big! You have to talk to him again! If there is something about him, you have to find out what it is. You haven’t had a date in like, forever, and if you feel something for this guy, you should go for it!”

  I shrugged and continued to play some random melody, trying to give her the hint that I didn’t really want to talk about it anymore. After a few minutes, she looked at the clock and stood to leave.

  “I should probably go. We can talk more tomorrow if you want.”

  My fingers stopped for a moment.

  “Thanks. I mean it Kara. I guess I just have some things to sort out.”

  “I know. And all I’m saying is that maybe you should give this hottie a chance,” she smiled supportively. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  The door shut quietly behind her, and I watched her pull out of the driveway from my perch on the piano bench. The day was almost over, and I had survived it yet again. All in all, it wasn’t that bad of a day. At least it ended well. Sometimes, I could almost feel myself getting stronger, getting ready to rejoin the real world and do more than just work, run, and play music.

  My head was still filled with everything I had going on. I decided to go to my bedroom and read to give my brain something else to think about. I shut the door behind me and leaned against it for a moment before grabbing my book and sitting in the chair. I was still bothered by the images that were going through my head when I played Aaron’s song earlier, and I could still see a pair of grey eyes gazing at me when I closed my own. The words on the pages were beginning to blur. Clearly, reading wasn’t working. I found that I kept reading the same sentence over and over again. It didn’t take me long to give up and put the book down. I got up and paced around my room, humming.

  “You really need to pull yourself together, Jules. Today was just a day and Will is just a guy. Nothing special. Great,” I sighed, “now you’re talking to yourself. If that doesn’t prove that you’re a head case, I don’t know what does.”

  It was obvious that I couldn’t concentrate. I needed to get my mind on something else. I went into the living room again and sat back at the piano. Lightly, I ran my hands over the keys until they found their way into a song. The notes seemed to find me and I played, letting the music flow through my entire being. It was only then that my head began to clear. Ah, this is what I needed; this is when I felt like myself. I played late into the night, until my tired brain told me to stop. Reluctantly, I did stop and forced myself to stumble up the stairs and into bed, where I fell into another night of fitful sleep.

  My phone ringing in the middle of the night woke me. I reached onto my nightstand and grasped for it blindly. I couldn’t believe I had forgotten to turn it off. Was I ever going to get to sleep in this damn town?

  “Yeah?” I didn’t even try to hide my annoyance.

  “Hey, Will, where the hell are you? It’s been a few days. I thought you would be back in the action.” It was Chris again. I shouldn’t be surprised he would keep on me, after our last conversation. He was my closest friend, in theory, as I didn’t really consider myself to have friends, and self-appointed leader of the group in Chicago. He was out at some bar. I could hear the noise in the background.