I pushed Julia forward, figuring that my father and I could wait in the distance. She shuffled ahead, and stood stock still in front of the glass. Slowly, her hand moved up and she spread her fingers on the cold, clear wall in front of her. Her eyes closed and her forehead touched the glass. Her lips began to move, as if she were saying something or perhaps, praying. I joined her in a silent prayer of my own, hoping for the best.
After a few minutes, she turned back toward me.
“Thank you, Samuel,” she said to my father. “I’ll go back out and give you a few minutes with him.” She motioned to the people and the monitors that littered the room.
We watched her go in silence and I walked up to the glass to see Will for myself.
“She really does love him, doesn’t she?” my father’s voice interjected from behind me.
“Yes, she does. They could be happy together.” I smiled at the thought. “He just has to get through this.”
My father came and stood next to me, sighing.
“I have always wanted nothing more for you two than to be happy. I should have protected you more. I should have tried harder a long time ago with Will. It’s a parent’s job to help their child find what makes them happy.”
“Father, there is no way that you could have known what would happen. You can’t blame yourself for what we are. You couldn’t have stopped the attack. I feel like Chris’ betrayal had been coming for some time, and I think Will feared it, too.”
The doctors continued to work around Will’s bedside. I left my father standing there and walked back down the hall. When I reached the waiting room, I could see that Julia was curled up on the sofa asleep, and again, I couldn’t help but wish I could shut myself down as easily as she did. And perhaps when I awoke, this would all just be a horrible dream.
I could feel myself getting pulled again. A song, a melody was pulling me back, and I could feel it through my body. Julia was close, I could feel it. I could feel her near me. She was speaking to me. Whispering in my ear. Will, I love you. I need you. Don’t leave me. Her voice, a song in my heart that I fought to keep hearing. I would not give up. I would not let this get me. I felt determined, strong, until I tried to pry my eyes open again.
It’s too soon, just rest. Let your body heal a voice I didn’t recognize said. Yet I felt comfort. I felt at ease and a feeling of peace. Get strong so that you can take care of my sister. Aaron, Julia’s brother. It had to be. I tried to say something to him, but the pain pulled me under again.
While the shower washed the blood and grime off of me, it didn’t necessarily make me feel much better. Seeing Will lying like that was agonizing, and when they allowed me in, I couldn’t make myself stay long. I kept on wondering if this would be it. If this would be the last time I saw him, and I didn’t want to remember him that way. Instead, I left and went back to the sofa to curl up and retreat into myself, to remember him in my own way, confident that Celia would come for me at the slightest change.
I must have dozed off, because the sky was beginning to lighten up with the colors of dawn. I squinted my eyes, letting them adjust to the dim light of the room and the silhouettes of Celia and her father whispering. I watched the two of them and tried to hear what they were saying. Suddenly, Samuel turned and our eyes met.
“Oh, you’re awake, Julia. How are you feeling?” he called out. I jumped up at the sound of his voice, still clutching the blanket in my hands, embarrassed to be caught eavesdropping.
“I’m doing okay. Is there any change in Will’s condition?” I felt a cold sweat break out on the back of my neck as my nerves got to me.
“No, not yet. Actually, I would like to talk to you about something. Regarding Will’s condition.”
“Okay.”
“The idea that he is still alive is such a mystery. In addition to trying to keep him alive, the doctors have been trying to figure out how he even survived the stab wound to begin with. I mean, it appears that Chris was gone instantly from a similar wound.” He stopped abruptly keying in to the confused expression on my face.
“I’m getting ahead of myself,” he continued, “first I must explain how to kill an immortal and, then I will share a theory with you.” He walked to the nearest chair and sat down, with Celia trailing not too far behind.
“We don’t actually live forever. We can be killed. We just don’t react to sickness like others, because our bodies are in a sort of hibernation. There are, however, certain things that could end our life. It isn’t the stab wound that will kill an immortal, it’s the chemical reaction that takes place. The virus that is already raging through our bodies, leaving us in a permanent frozen state, reacts to the metal… specifically, iron.”
“A chemical reaction? What do you mean by a chemical reaction?”
“It’s simple, really. Most knives or swords are steel, and steel contains iron. Since we have very little blood in our systems, there is also very little iron in us. Stabbing an immortal with any weapon with iron in it will take our bodies from being iron deficient, to being poisoned.” He paused and let me take in this new piece of information.
“So how come a wood stake or a shard of glass won’t kill you? I mean, I know what I’d seen, and it was a blow that should have been enough to kill anyone. And if that knife did have iron in it…” My voice trailed off, the words stuck in my throat. Celia moved to sit by me and placed her hand lightly on my arm. She looked at me and smiled, and I smiled back weakly. I was so wrapped up in my own grief, it was hard to remember that I wasn’t the only one who could lose someone.
“I have to be honest, Will should be dead now. He took a hit to the heart with a steel blade, although it wasn’t directly in the center. The reaction should be taking over. It’s the iron that poisons. In fact, if we are stabbed by anything else, the disease fights back and heals what was damaged.” He hesitated briefly, running his hand through his silver hair, reminding me so much of Will. “Will is not dead and he isn’t dying. In fact, the doctor’s seem to think that he is actually healing.”
“Healing?” I asked incredulously. “But you just said that he was stabbed with a steel blade. He should be suffering from iron poisoning, right?” The Will I had seen looked dead. Lying in that bed, hooked up to machines, it was hard to believe that he was healing.
“Well, they are confused as well, because they have never seen anything like this before. I have a theory and this is where you come in.” Samuel got up excitedly and came to kneel in front of me. “As you know, most immortals lose their grip on humanity after some time. They become detached, soulless. Obviously, not all doomed to immortality lose themselves. I have been of the belief for decades that we can hold on to some semblance of what we used to be. Celia and I have managed to hold on, because we believe there are certain things that can cause someone to cling to their humanity. Love is one of those. Celia and I have both seen what love has done for Will. He has changed. The light has come back. He’s beginning to find a reason to be, and that reason is you. I think that your love has saved him.”
“Saved him? My love saved him? But I turned him away. I’m the reason we are even in this mess. If I had only let him talk. If I had let him explain and had some time to think, I would have… I wouldn’t have run.”
Samuel smiled warmly and placed his hand over mine.
“You can’t change the past, and you can’t change how you reacted. It is what it is, and it’s done. Stop blaming yourself and focus on the future.” His words were kind and understanding, and in some strange way, were just what I needed to hear.
“But you do love him, don’t you?” Celia offered. “You never stopped loving him. Just because you… needed space, you never stopped loving.”
I could feel the tears begin to streak down my face as this all sank in.
“I do love him, but I didn’t save him, he saved me. I was broken, I was the one who couldn’t cope with my life, and he fixed me…” I could hear my voice slowly fade.
The swing of a
door and the sound of shoes on the linoleum floor, caused all of us to turn with a start.
“If you would like, you may go in with him now,” the doctor came in with a somber look on his face. “He isn’t awake, but we seem to have him stabilized. I think it would be alright for you to do more than just see him through the glass. Perhaps the sounds of your voices will help him.”
Celia pushed me forward.
“You go. I think he would want to see you first,” she said. Suddenly I was nervous. We had only just found each other again. Maybe he blamed me. What if all of this had made him change his mind?
“But you are his family. Don’t you want to see him first?”
“You are family, too. Just go,” Celia smiled. “We will give you some time before we come in.”
As always, her kindness was too much. I gave her a quick hug and then followed the doctor down the hall to Will’s room. He pushed the door open slightly for me and continued in the other direction, leaving me alone outside the room. With a deep breath, I pushed the door open the rest of the way. The room was dimly lit. A series of monitors with flashing lights and numbers stood sentry over the bed, which seemed to be placed in the center of the room. Will was lying there with his eyes closed, hooked up to countless machines. I noticed a stool beside the bed which seemed to be there just for me. He did look peaceful lying there. It was almost as if he were sleeping. His face was emotionless, any trace of feeling erased by sleep. There was a large white bandage over his chest. Purple bruises covered his face and there was a large gash on his forehead. I gripped the side of the stool beneath me, as I watched his face scowl leaving lines in his forehead. Ever so lightly, I brushed my hand on his forehead to try to smooth it out. His face seemed to relax at my touch, so I left my hand on his face.
“Will, I am so sorry. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t go,” I pleaded with my voice, as my hand continued to caress his face. “I’m still here. I’m not going to leave you ever again. You are everything to me.”
My forehead pressed against the hospital bed, and I closed my eyes tightly, trying to shut out this pain. I thought of our short time together. I thought about everything I had never told him but wanted to. I willed him to live for selfish reasons. Selfish because I needed him to live. I didn’t think that I could survive losing him.
I grabbed his hand and squeezed. His hand was strangely warm. The man in the tunnels had been right. I picked my head up from the bed and looked at him for a moment, puzzled. He was never warm. The monitors began to blink again, and then I noticed the rhythmic beeping. Immediately, I became concerned and turned my attention over to the monitors to try to figure out what was happening. I saw it… the heart monitor. It was beating in slow, regular beats. This wasn’t possible. Not from what Celia had told me about their kind.
Turning back to look at Will, I saw his eyes begin to flutter, and I grasped his hand again to squeeze it.
“Will, can you hear me? Are you okay?” I stood next to him and pleaded with him fervently.
His eyes fluttered once more and then began to open.
The light was blinding as I opened my eyes. My lids began to reflexively snap shut, but I fought to keep them open, happy that I finally could. She was here. Julia. Her presence completing my soul. I had been fighting for what felt like weeks, or even months, and I finally felt as if I had made it back to the surface.
“Will!” her voice was frantic. “Oh my god, you’re okay! You’re here, alive!” I could feel her hand covering mine. Not just the presence of it, I could feel it. And I felt warm.
“You stayed,” my voice was barely a whisper through parched lips. My mouth and throat were dry. There was a thirst and an ache in my chest, but it was different.
“Your heart. It’s beating,” Julia gasped.
“It beats once and a while.” The effort to speak was excruciating.
“No, it’s beating regularly. Like a human.” A look of disbelief shot across her face.
Suddenly the doctors, Celia, and my father rushed in.
“He’s awake! We saw it on the monitor!” Celia exclaimed.
The doctor immediately began looking at the computer readouts, his brow furrowed with concern.
“I don’t understand,” he said incredulously. “These readouts don’t make sense.”
“What do you mean, they don’t make sense,” Celia asked.
“These readouts are unusual for someone with the disease. I have been puzzling over them for days, as they have been so inconsistent. But now, they don’t make any sense. They . . . they are reading human vitals. It’s as if you aren’t immortal anymore. Will, I’ll have to do some more tests, but I think you are cured.”
The four of us stood there in disbelief, listening to the monitors beep for a moment before anyone spoke.
“How do you feel?” my father asked.
It felt like a loaded question after all of these years.
“I feel okay. I mean, I actually feel. The dull ache, the pressure in my chest, it’s gone.” He reached for my hand and smiled.
More doctors rushed in and stared at the monitors. They whispered excitedly while pointing from me to the monitors and then back at me. The doctor didn’t seem to know how to respond, and from their reactions, neither did Celia nor my father.
“Well, I’m not really sure how it all happened, but it seems that you are now human,” one of the specialists finally said, speaking directly to me.
“It is a miracle,” Samuel whispered.
The thought took a moment to sink in.
“I’m human again.” I tested the words out tentatively. “Cured.” I whispered. I didn’t question how it happened, I could only accept it, and know that everything would work out.
The room suddenly became very loud, as all of the doctors began talking at once, gesticulating at the monitors and each other. My father and sister joined in, but I didn’t need to hear an explanation. I had been given a second chance, and it didn’t matter to me why I was alive, it only mattered that I was. My eyes sought out Julia, who had been pushed to the corner of the room. I could see glossy tears in her eyes and couldn’t help my own tears from falling down my face. She began to walk toward me cautiously, and I reached a hand out to reach for her.
“You stayed,” I whispered. “I thought I lost you again.”
“Never. I will never leave you again,” she said through her tears. “I was a fool to leave the first time. You are who I want to be with, and you must know that you aren’t the only one who has changed. You make me feel like a stronger person and I can’t imagine a life without you in it. I need to be where you are.”
At this moment, there was only one place I wanted to be and that was by Julia’s side. I pulled her into my arms, never wanting to let her go. I laid her head on my chest and listened to the echo of our beating hearts.
I couldn’t help but stare out the open window at them. The air was warm and birds sang in the trees. It had been nearly six months since Will came home, and spring was beginning to show everywhere. The garden was alive with new growth and the color of the lake was a brilliant blue. My brother sat on the bench in the rose garden with Julia’s head in his lap, while she attempted to read. Will’s hand tangled in her hair and a smile played upon his lips. The happiness that they had found together radiated from them. The scent of the newly blossoming lilacs was all encompassing and mingled with the fresh air coming off the lake.
I smiled to myself as Julia giggled and playfully nudged Will’s arm when he tried to pull the book from her hand. He leapt out from under her, grabbing the book and began to run around holding it at arm’s length, away from her. She followed, chasing him through the pathways, laughing madly. Finally, she grabbed his arm and pulled him to her. Forgetting about the book, Will pulled her into an embrace, their mouths meeting gently.
I turned away from the intimate scene before me. This is how they always were. They were engaged now, with Julia spending most of her free time at the house, h
aving put her own house up for sale. She said she was ready to put her own demons to rest, and besides, she would be moving in here anyway, once they were married. Will was back in school, getting a degree in art, a newly discovered talent. In the fall, they would get married, completing their happy ending. The play they had worked on together was postponed until spring, but when it was finally performed, it got rave reviews, prompting my principal to hire Will as the assistant director for all of the shows.
My father was now submerged in research. He was more positive now than ever before that there had to be an answer to Will’s unexpected cure, and he was determined to find it. It gave him a renewed purpose, and he was as eager as ever. He now split his time between here and Chicago, researching. I was finishing out the school year, as life had slowly gone back to normal.
The happiness around me made me long for what I once had, but lost. I sighed and pulled out a yellow, withered picture that I had been carrying around with me for decades. It was my own engagement picture. Jonathan and I were looking adoringly at each other. The picture was faded where I had held it so many times. I brought the photograph to my lips and closed my eyes to prevent a single tear from escaping.
I looked back out to the garden at the retreating forms of Will and my future sister-in-law. With his arm around her and her head on his shoulder, they slowly walked down the path toward the lake. If Will could find love, surely I could too. Someday. Someday I would have this again, I thought, the sounds of the laughter below drowning out any sorrow, as if to prove that in the end, it would all be set right.
This book, as with many first books, is a project that has been a long time coming. Writing is the sort of thing that got away from me and then reintroduced itself again later in life. In school, I loved English class. I loved creative writing and have lots of short stories to prove! When I finished college, I actually was a travel writer/editor for a small magazine, yet never had any thought that I could do this “for real.” Fast forward to about 10 years later and something hit me. That book I have wanted to write isn’t going to write itself. One day I say down and started to write. I have been completely overwhelmed by the love and support I have received from my family and friends which has helped make this happen.
A Sadness Within Page 23