You mean I can do all that at once?
Yup . . .
Man, I love my life!
Ten years later, the results of this policy are staggering:
4,200 automatic radar speed traps have been installed throughout France.*
13 million speeding tickets are sent in the mail each year.*
95 percent of them are for exceeding the speed limit by less than 12 miles per hour (20 kilometers per hour).*
€800 million in fines (yes, that’s close to a billion dollars) is collected each year.*
Any conversation about radars will lead to someone mentioning the phrase pompes à fric (money pumps). For while the project was well accepted at first, more and more French people are waking up to the fact that their government is indeed using radars not to improve their safety (surprise, surprise), but instead to rob them.
In France, you can be a perfectly safe driver, on a safe road, and get flashé—and therefore fined—if you’re going one mile per hour over the limit. Never short of ideas to do its citizens wrong, the government even frequently lowers the speed limit right before the radar to trick and mislead drivers into oblivious speeding.* Effectively so: fifty-two of the top one hundred most profitable radars in France in 2013 were situated on roads where the speed limit had just been lowered, leading to up to four times the profitability.* New types of radars are constantly popping up: radars for red lights, radars for railroad crossings, double-faced radars, radars for stop signs, radars for safety distances, radars for average speed, etc.
Oh, the Orwellian toy set . . .
The most profitable radar in the country, near Annecy, catches close to five hundred people daily and generates over €20 million a year in profit.* Not a bad business model, one must admit!
In just a decade, driving a car (or a bike, or a truck, or a moped) in France has become not only a whole lot more stressful, but also a lot more expensive. The situation has gotten so bad that more and more French drivers are getting aggravated by this ultrarepressive policy. Not only is it costing them stress and money, but it’s also a clear indication of the double standards of their government: harassing the average citizen on the road while cutting massive slack to actual criminals.
Useful tip: Be attentive!
Sound like a French person: “J’me suis fait flasher à 52 au lieu de 50. C’est vraiment n’importe quoi. Tout est bon pour te faire cracher!” (I got busted at 52 instead of 50 kilometers per hour. It truly is preposterous. Anything to make people pay!)
VDM
Over the past decade, one Web site has grown to become not only a well-known landmark of French pop culture, but also a new catchphrase in the French language. That Web site is simply called Vie de Merde. Translation: “The Crappy Life.”
The site offers a collection of unfortunate anecdotes phrased in less than three hundred characters—thus offering a very telling reflection of the difference between France and America: Vie de Merde is twice as wordy as Twitter and focused exclusively on the negative. Being French is indeed a real art de vivre . . .
On the site, the most popular post of all time reads:
Aujourd’hui, je suis dans ma 45e année et je suis toujours puceau. VDM (Today, I’m 45 years old and I’m still a virgin. VDM)
Three thousand comments and over 1.5 million votes.
Yes, the French are people of great culture.
Undoubtedly, that person has grown to become the second most well-known virgin in the history of France, right after Joan of Arc.
The popularity of the site is staggering: while it receives over three thousand “VDM” submissions a day, only two or three make the cut and get published. For when it comes to describing how crappy life can be, the French are most demanding experts. La crème de la crème de la crap!
Interestingly, while the site’s founders launched the concept in other countries, no nation has responded as well as France to the idea of a curated, funny site dedicated to the bad things that happen in life. Dwelling upon strangers’ misfortunes is a pastime that, for some reason, other cultures on the planet don’t relate to on a grand scale as something fun and relaxing.
The site now sells books and T-shirts and has even been turned into a TV show. VDM is a true French social phenomenon.
Now, should your mind venture to think that looking at a computer screen laughing at other people’s misfortunes is equivalent in and of itself to a VDM, you’re giving away one more clue that you are decidedly not that French, you cheeky thing!
Useful tip: Let’s not forget that life is great!
Sound like a French person: “L’autre, ses gamins lui parlent plus et sa femme s’est barrée: mais quelle vie de merde!” (That guy . . . his kids won’t speak to him, and his wife took off: what a crap life!)
PARALLEL LANGUAGES
The French language is beautiful. Pity it’s hardly spoken in France, for the language generally spoken by most French people is constantly sprinkled—if not smothered—with argot.
Argot is a parallel colloquial French language. It’s the dark side of the force, the underground lingo. It’s the French not taught in schools; it’s passed on strictly orally, shaped and modified generation after generation. French speakers can easily distinguish proper French from argot. But many are simply oblivious to their irrepressible use of argot terms.
Whenever my fluent American wife joins a conversation involving only French speakers, I find myself translating a good half of the words spoken for her to be able to follow.
EXAMPLE 1:
Le mec bouffait dans sa bagnole.
Dans la poubelle à côté du rade?
Carrément. Il se faisait un McDo, pépère en tirant sur un bédo.
Me: So, honey, they’re talking about a man who was eating a takeaway meal from McDonald’s while smoking a joint in his beat-up car that was parked right by a bar.
My wife: Hmm. Okay.
EXAMPLE 2:
J’me suis fait cramer par mon frangin.
T’avais piqué le clebs de tes vieux pour une chouille?
T’as eu de la moule qu’ils appellent pas les flics, putain!
Me: Okay, so now my friend got busted by his brother after taking his parents’ dog to a party, and they’re saying he was lucky that the parents didn’t call the cops.
My wife: Hmm. Okay.
Me (in petto): Note to self: Make friends that speak proper French or English.
But argot is not the only gray language used in France. Verlan is also there to confuse foreigners (and French people) even more. Le verlan is an urban dialect that vastly appeared in the 1980s in the banlieues as a means for kids to not be understood by police and those outside of their community, somewhat like pig latin, or gibberish.
While argot words must be learned, verlan words can be formed with a basic command of French. To form a word in verlan, take the original French word—for example, voiture, “car”—and invert the syllables: turevoi. If the resulting word ends with an unstressed vowel, drop it—so photo would become topho, and finally toph. This last rule is, in most instances, too complicated for most.
So let’s go back to our examples. Depending on the group of friends I am hanging out with, the conversation would lean less toward argot, more toward verlan:
EXAMPLE 1:
Le keumé était en train de géman dans sa turevoi.
Dans la demer à côté du bar?
Ouais, quiltran, en plus il méfu en se faisant son Do.
EXAMPLE 2:
Mon reufré m’a cramé.
T’avais péta le iench de tes remps pour une réssoi?
T’as eu de la teuch qu’ils appellent pas les keufs, putain!
Note that many words commonly used in verlan are based on argot words.
Sprinkle with the occasional Gypsy t
erm (or Arabic in certain circles), the alternative argot synonym, and you’re in for a language that resembles the one commonly spoken in French bars, factories, and streets:
EXAMPLE 1:
Le gadjo était en train de grailler dans sa caisse.
Dans la daube à côté du trocson?
Ouais, détendu du zguègue, il se fumait son oinj en plus.
EXAMPLE 2:
J’me suis fait griller par mon frangin.
T’avais chouravé le clébard de tes vieux?
T’as le cul bordé de nouilles, putain. Il aurait pu appelé les kisdés.
Who said learning French was difficult?
Useful tip: If you don’t understand certain words spoken by French people, just ask!
Sound like a French person: “Elle s’est fait la malle avec un rosbif.” (Literally: She packed her suitcase with a roast beef. In reality: She took off with a Brit.)
INTERMINABLE GOOD-BYES
It is hard to distinguish whether the French are absolutely glorious or entirely catastrophic at good-byes. What is for sure, however, is that when planning to part company with French people socially, it is reasonable to anticipate anywhere between ten minutes and two hours for it.
It is therefore essential to time your first notice properly. Reasonably, a fair bit of time before you actually intend to leave.
Upon announcing that you have to go, a few scenarios may typically play out:
SCENARIO 1:
Everyone starts kissing good-bye. Systematically, one person pulls the ultimate French move: the untimely comment or question. Something like “It was great to see you. You look great. How’s your mother, by the way?” Boom—ten-minute penalty.
Frequently, when two couples are parting ways, two separate conversations strike up at the time of good-byes. It is not rare for these conversations to be the most pleasant and the most meaningful of the interaction.
SCENARIO 2:
This scenario typically happens at the end of une soirée arrosée—literally, “a sprinkled evening,” or a boozy night.
Okay. I have to run.
Come on—not already. It’s super early.
At which point, the person about to be left will suggest one last drink or will play some form of emotional card to retain his friend’s company for a little longer. It is helpful to realize that at that point both sides might be ready to go home. However, through a very twisted form of tipsy French politeness, one side will try to push back the parting time.
The key here: it’s not at all rude for one friend to force the other to stay, but when that friend refuses to stay longer even if he has no interest in it—that’s a tough one to come back from.
SCENARIO 3—AKA THE COUPLES SCENARIO:
In France, when a couple decides to leave a group of friends, man and woman typically say their good-byes separately. One of the two usually takes longer, either because he is less willing to take off or because she is subjected to more “stay pressure.” At that point, the other anxious partner, in a brilliant time-management move, will engage in an entirely forced conversation with another person. The resulting exchange is a mere excuse to discreetly listen to the advancement of their significant other’s progress.
Wanting to part ways is somehow generally interpreted as if the person wanting to leave would always rather be somewhere else. It never even occurs to the French that there are things like other obligations, exhaustion, or understanding that the time has simply come.
French good-byes are emotionally loaded: strangely, leaving always seems to mean wanting to leave but at the same time never having to leave. For that reason, French people typically try to get the leaver to stay longer, mainly to prove to him that their company is worthy and that the moment in their company does qualify as good times. The leaver’s response generally consists of indulging others’ attempts, for a part of him experiences the guilt of being that inconsiderate person who wants to be someplace else. Whether or not he does is irrelevant. The moment he started his good-byes, he knew full well the road to the door was also that to redemption.
Useful tip: Savor the awkwardness!
Sound like a French person: “Non, vraiment, c’était génial. Faut absolument qu’on se refasse ça bientôt.” (Really, that was great. We should do it again soon.)
TRAVELING TO PARIS? LIKE WINE?
If all went according to plan, you probably drank a few glasses of wine while reading this book. Good for you!
If you like wine and if you’re not averse to a shameless plug, it would be my honor to recommend two places for your France/Paris to-do list. I have put lots of love and energy into them and truly think they both genuinely rock. Great places to learn, laugh, and drink good wine! Also, just present a picture of this page on your phone and your party will receive a 10 percent discount.
O Chateau
www.o-chateau.com
O Chateau offers wine-tasting classes and wine tours . . . and it’s my favorite wine bar in Paris!
Les Caves du Louvre
www.cavesdulouvre.com
Winemaking workshops and enchanting sensory experiences in a royal wine cellar in central Paris.
See you soon!
* Very interesting read: L’effroyable imposture du rap, by Mathias Cardet.
* “Les Français et la marche: le boom de la rando,” France Inter, July 22, 2013, www.franceinter.fr/emission-le-zoom-de-la-redaction-les-francais-et-la-marche-le-boom-de-la-rando.
* Edouard Laugier, “Quechua by Décathlon: de la marque de distribution à la marque de fabrication,” Le Nouvel Économiste, July 26, 2012, www.lenouveleconomiste.fr/quechua-by-decathlon-15676/.
* “Part des fonctionnaires dans la population active,” Observatoire des Gaspillages, October 9, 2014, www .observatoiredesgaspillages.com/2014/10/part-des-fonctionnaires-dans-la-population-active/.
Marc Lassort, “France: le vrai taux de chômage est de 21,1 percent!,” IREF, June 14, 2015, http://fr.irefeurope.org/France-le-vrai-taux-de-chomage-est-de-21-1,a3388.
* François Ruffin, “Les journalistes à gauche toute: mais de quel système sont-ils donc censés être les chiens de garde?,” Atlantico, April 14, 2012, www.atlantico.fr/decryptage/journalistes-gauche-toute -systeme-censes-etre-chiens-garde-presidentielle-cfj-celsa-francois-ruffin-330312.html.
* On this topic, The Secrets of the Federal Reserve by Eustace Mullins is a must.
* “Le Conseil National des Villes et Villages Fleuris,” Direction General des Entreprises, November 10, 2014, www.entreprises.gouv.fr/tourisme/conseil-national-des-villes-et-villages-fleuris.
* Fabien Renou, “Combien de congés en France? 6 semaines en moyenne,” JDN, November 15, 2012, www.journaldunet.com/management/vie-personnelle/conges-en-france.shtml.
* “État d’urgence: le Conseil constitutionnel valide pour l’essentiel les perquisitions et interdictions de réunion,” Le Figaro, February 2, 2016, www.lefigaro.fr/flash-actu/2016/02/19/97001 -20160219FILWWW00080-etat-d-urgence-les-perquisitions-et-interdictions-de-reunionvalidees -essentiellement-par-les-sages.php.
* Kate Conger, “France Approves ‘Big Brother’ Surveillance Law,” Digital Trends, July 27, 2015, www.digitaltrends.com/web/france-surveillance-big-brother/.
* “Etat d’urgence: le bâtonnier de Paris déplore le ‘recul de nos libertés publiques,’” Le Monde, December 11, 2015, www.lemonde.fr/police-justice/article/2015/12/11/etat-d-urgence-le-batonnier-de-paris -deplore-le-recul-de-nos-libertes-publiques_4830199_1653578.html#xtor=RSS-3208.
Robin Panfili, “En l’état actuel du texte, la France peut basculer dans la dictature en une semaine,” Slate France, March 2, 2016, www.slate.fr/story/114869/sicard-justice-etat-urgence-decheance.
* Jean-Baptiste Noé, “École: 30% d’illettrés en France,” Contrepoints, August 5, 2012, www.contrepoints
.org/2012/08/05/92831-30-dillettres-en-france.
* “Les Français et le pain,” TNS-Sofres, March 21, 2005, www.tns-sofres.com/etudes-et-points-de-vue/les-francais-et-le-pain.
* Cécile Crouzel, “Les banlieues sont moins pauvres que certaines villes et zones rurales,” Le Figaro, June 2, 2015, www.lefigaro.fr/conjoncture/2015/06/02/20002-20150602ARTFIG00006-les-banlieues -sont-moins-pauvres-que-certaines-villes-et-zones-rurales.php.
* “Paris: Une directrice d’école poignardée, l’agresseur interpellé,” Le Parisien, February 19, 2015, http://leparisien.fr/paris-75/paris-une-directrice-d-ecole-poignardee-19-02-2015-4546899.php.
“Isère: émoi après l’arrestation d’un instit déjà condamné pour pédopornographie,” Le Parisien, March 24, 2015, www.leparisien.fr/faits-divers/isere-l-interpellation-d-un-directeur-d-ecole-soupconne-de -viols-cree-l-emoi-24-03-2015-4632471.php.
“La jeune femme agressée à coups de tournevis à Paris est morte,” Le Figaro, December 26, 2014, www.lefigaro.fr/actualite-france/2014/12/26/01016-20141226ARTFIG00154-la-jeune-femme -agressee-a-coups-de-tournevis-a-paris-est-morte.php.
WTF?!--What the French Page 19