by Ava Miles
“I’m not sure you can have it all here, Blake.”
He clenched his hands together at the doubt in her voice. “I know you’re scared about the future. I am too. That’s why we haven’t talked about it before. But we’re working through things, aren’t we?”
Her whole body was so still next to him, he had the sudden urge to turn on the light.
“Well, say something. Anything.”
“Blake,” she said finally softly, “when I saw you today, I knew you still loved football like crazy and that you’d be an excellent coach. I’ve…worried about what you were going to do once the camp ended. You can’t stay here in Dare Valley without doing something with it. Not even for me. You’ll come to resent me.”
“No, I won’t,” he contradicted. “I told you that I’ll find a way to have the career of my dreams and live here with you. Just give me time to make it happen.”
She shifted her head on the pillow. “Blake, you don’t even go to Denver to see your old friends anymore because I’m here.”
Okay, so he’d stayed closer to home. What was wrong with that? “Being here with you was more important. They understand that.”
Her hand tentatively reached for him across the dark space between them. She brushed the hair back from his forehead, her fingertips so soft they were only a graze across his skin.
“You can’t keep going on like this.”
He knew this really wasn’t about anything as simple as a job. She didn’t think she could be enough for him deep down, and that wouldn’t change even if his dream opportunity landed at his feet in Dare Valley. This kind of fear was one he knew he couldn’t fight for her. He wanted to pound his chest in frustration. “Babe, do you love me?”
The sound of her head scratching against the pillow as she nodded yes eased some of his tension.
“Do you believe I love you?” he asked.
Again, she bobbed her head.
“Then give me time to create the perfect job for myself here so I can be with you.” He grabbed the hand lying between them and brought it to his lips for a kiss. “You’re going to have to trust me on this.” Make it tonight. Please, babe.
“Promise me you won’t make another huge sacrifice with your career because of me.” Her voice was small and afraid, and he didn’t know what to say to that.
“I promise you.” It was easy to say because he didn’t believe it would ever happen.
“Okay,” she said, clenching his hand hard. “I’ll trust you on this. But I want you to keep me in the loop. I don’t want to hear any more important updates for the first time from jerks like Cormack.”
“Done.” He wanted to celebrate her consent, but he didn’t feel like jumping up off the bed and doing a victory dance. “Are you ready to let everyone know we’re back together?”
“I thought that’s what I did earlier at the field when everyone was taking pictures and whispering about us.”
He scooted closer. “I meant, your family.”
“Ah…yes, we can tell them.”
The deep, dark, burning question he’d tried to stuff away surfaced and could not be silenced. “Do you ever want to be married to me again?”
There was a long silence. “Boy, you’re really going for gold tonight. I want to see how your job situation turns out. Blake, I mean it—I won’t hold you back. Not again.”
He had to bite his tongue to keep from cursing. It didn’t escape him that she hadn’t answered his question. “Okay. Thanks for telling me that.”
She’d been honest with him at least. He might not have liked all her answers. But at least they were talking about the future. Being together long-term was as much about loving each other and sharing space as it was about making sure each partner felt fulfilled. He would make it work. He’d show her.
He braced himself to touch her, hoping she wouldn’t brush him off. Sure, he wasn’t in the mood to make love to her, but as he’d discovered in their marriage, sometimes he didn’t have to want it to make it the right thing to do. She needed to know she was precious to him right now, that her honesty hadn’t widened the gap between them. And he needed to feel the connection between them as she came apart in his arms.
He closed the distance between them and kissed her greedily. Her hand rose to his waist and clutched him, her fingernails digging into his side. So, he thought, as her body pressed closer to his, she knew they were on the edge of another precipice. The precipice of the future. It wasn’t going to be easy and gentle tonight. No, their lovemaking was going to have claws, and he welcomed it.
He yanked her to him and took her mouth with greedy possession. She mewed in her throat and raised her leg onto his hip, tunneling close under the covers until they fit skin to skin. There was little foreplay. Their tongues dueled and their hands sought out each other’s pleasure centers, raising their arousal to a fevered pitch.
When the pleasure from her touch started to feel too acute, he turned away and grabbed a condom from the drawer. She hadn’t gone on the Pill yet, and it felt like another sign of her uncertainty. He hadn’t asked about it, and it had taken considerable effort for him to force back the resentment he felt over this additional boundary between them.
After fitting it on, he rolled on top of her, spreading her legs wide. Inch by inch he filled her. Her head was twisting back and forth already, her body straining for release. He knew he would need just a few deep strokes to take her over the edge, but he stopped.
He couldn’t take it anymore. It had to be said.
Her hands gripped him, trying to pull him deeper. “Why are you stopping?”
“I want you to go back on the Pill. I don’t want there to be anything between us anymore.”
“Okay.” She dug her nails into his flesh. “Please, Blake.”
He thrust in, once, and then stilled again, his heart pounding in his chest. “Tell me you love me.”
“I love you,” she rasped out.
It should have been enough, but it only made him more desperate. “Tell me you want me.”
“I want you. Please don’t stop.”
Tell me you know you’re enough for me, the future be damned. He let his thrusts speak for him. He ground into her, setting off a release that made her whole body shiver.
He primed her again, ignoring his needs, thrusting in shallow bursts and then going deep, right to the heart of her. She arched up against him, crying out another release, but still he kept going.
Believe in yourself. Believe in us. Believe in my love for you. Believe we can make this work.
Even though his body was straining to empty into her, he couldn’t seem to stop. Couldn’t seem to let go. He continued to thrust into her until he felt her hands on his face, tracing the bones of his cheek and jaw.
“Blake.”
She called him back from the verge of desperation, of agony. He pressed his forehead to hers. She lifted to him, open and welcoming now, where before she had been frantic and desperate. He felt her hands stroke his back to help him come.
“Let go, love,” she whispered.
He gripped fistfuls of the sheets and lunged into her. She locked her legs around him, like she was trying to absorb him into her very flesh. With a harsh cry, he finally emptied into her, pouring himself out until he was a hollow shell.
This time it was she who gently pushed him onto his back, cleaned him up, and cuddled him close.
“Go to sleep,” she whispered, tracing the space where his heart rested, swollen and unsettled. “Everything will be okay.”
He knew she was saying it to reassure both of them.
Chapter 33
A few days later, Natalie surrendered to the impulse to stop by her mom’s house so she could thank her for all the help she’d given Blake with the camp. Blake was taking another long hike in the mountains to think through his career goals and options, so she had the time.
After their intense talk the other night, he’d told her about the Special Olympics offer, which she kne
w was right up his alley, but she was worried they wouldn’t let him do the job from Dare Valley like he hoped. He’d only kissed her on the cheek and said it was just one of many options.
She had walked around with heartburn since their discussion, wondering if she should offer to relocate, but she’d only just started her job here. And she loved it. Plus, she didn’t want to let Terrance and Mac down. She’d forgotten how difficult it could be to manage two people’s interests without one of them giving up more than the other.
As soon as her mom opened the door, she noticed April’s swollen eyes and ruddy complexion. “Mom,” she said, fear lacing her blood. “What’s the matter?”
Her mom might cry more than she did, but it still wasn’t often. How many times growing up had she heard that phrase about keeping a stiff upper lip? Too many to remember. Seeing her like this was alarming.
“It’s nothing,” her mom said, pushing away. “I’m fine. Everything is fine.”
Hearing those words, delivered in that tone, was like hearing herself speak. Is this what she had sounded like? Her mom might have told her she was more like her father when it came to handling her emotions, but perhaps it was behavior she’d learned from both her parents.
“Mom, I can tell you’re not fine. Tell me what is going on, or I’m going to call Andy and Matt and have them come over right now.”
She shook her head violently, her silver earrings brushing her cheeks. “No, you can’t! Especially not Andy. Not until I know for sure.”
Dread coiled in her gut. “Know what?”
Her mom’s lip quivered. “I went in for my annual mammogram.”
The buzzing started in her ears, and she felt herself leave her body. “No.”
“I went in…and…they found a lump.”
Oh, no. Good God, no. Not again.
“They’re doing a biopsy.” Her mom grabbed one of her hands and clenched it, so hard she came back in focus. “Promise me you won’t tell anyone! It will kill Andy if…”
If she ends up having breast cancer like Kim.
Her mom pressed against her then. Hard. They embraced, clutching each other as the reality of what might happen filled the space between them.
“I’m not going to lose you,” she told her mom, her eyes burning with tears. “We’re not going to lose you.”
“Promise me, Natalie. Not a word to anyone.”
She nodded against her mom’s head. The grip they had on each other was designed to keep the madness at bay. Its cold breath was all around them now, whispering about pain and hurt and death. Of things like needles, tubes, and chemo. Of the erosion of hair and weight, and of the removal of a woman’s most beautiful feature, her breasts.
Natalie took her mom’s shoulders and looked her straight in the eye. “I’m coming to the biopsy with you.”
Her mom’s lip wobbled. “Oh, honey. But you have work.”
Work? Did she really think that was more important? “I’m coming! And we’re going to be together when they give you the results.”
Her mom fell against her, trembling. “I’m glad you came. It’s been…so hard to keep this to myself. The only other person I told was Ellen. She said she would go with me.”
Ellen O’Brien had been April’s best friend since kindergarten, and Ellen’s daughter had been one of Andy’s best friends growing up. “I’m glad you told her.”
“She’s coming over in a while.”
“I’m here for you too, Mom.” And suddenly she felt so guilty for holding a grudge against her mom for intruding into her relationship with Blake.
“Shh,” her mom said in a soothing tone, smoothing her hands down her hair. “None of that now.”
They hugged and swayed back and forth in her mother’s small foyer until her mom got a cramp in her foot and broke away to rub it. Natalie made them a pot of tea, and after pouring it, found her mom’s playing cards. They played gin rummy and crazy eights to pass the time—just like she and Andy and Blake and the others had done while sitting vigil beside Kim’s bed at hospice.
Anything to pass the time. Keep the hands active. Keep the mind from going crazy.
Ellen eventually arrived, and Natalie’s mom sent her home. The biopsy was scheduled for two days from today. At the door, Natalie promised to come over the next day. Her mom clutched her hands like she was a life preserver, and though she told her there was no need to come, she didn’t fight her when she insisted.
The drive home was done on autopilot, and as soon as Natalie stepped inside, she dropped her purse on the counter. Blake hadn’t arrived yet. Touchdown pawed at her legs, wanting to play, so she opened the back door to let him out. She didn’t have anything for him right now—the cold phantom was calling her name again. The pain was spreading, so bitter and harsh she wanted to scream.
She didn’t want to feel it right now. She didn’t want to feel anything ever again.
It was all happening once more. She could feel it. Her mom was going to die, just like Kim, and nothing was going to stop it. She couldn’t stop it. She’d have to stand there and watch it unfold.
Blake had been wrong. Learning to express her feelings hadn’t changed a damn thing. The pain wasn’t less this time. The mad call on the edge of her mind was still there, louder and colder than ever. She wasn’t going to let it claim her.
She grabbed the tile powder and a sponge from under the kitchen sink and headed to her bathroom to do the one thing under her control. The tile powder fell down on her like rain as she shook it over the tiles. It burned her skin, and she welcomed the sting. Anything to fight the cold fingers and even colder breath touching her skin. She dug her fingernails into the sponge. Her breathing grew labored as she worked. Her heart raced.
She scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed, ignoring cracked nails and bleeding knuckles. It’s not going to happen. Mom’s not going to die.
If she didn’t listen to the dark whispers that told her that the worst could happen, that she of all people knew it, maybe everything would be all right. Her mind swirled in circles like her hand did as it cleaned the tiles.
“Natalie,” Blake called.
Her head came up. She shook herself. He was standing outside the door to the shower. She had to crane her neck to see him. His mouth was parted in shock, his eyes wide and unblinking. She’d seen that look before.
“Babe, what’s going on?” he asked, worry woven into his voice.
She couldn’t tell him. She’d promised her mother.
Besides, if she spoke the words, they might come true. She shook her head and pressed her lips together tightly.
He crouched down until he was kneeling beside her, outside the shower stall. “Honey.”
He only called her honey when she was crazy. She focused back on the tiles, caked over with cleaning powder.
“Leave me alone,” she told him with an edge in her voice.
“No. Not until you tell me what happened. Nat, you’re scaring me here.”
The words were like echoes from their past—the past she’d thought they had moved beyond. It was like her life had turned into a broken record that kept playing the same sorry track again and again. She made herself look at him. “I don’t want to talk about it! Go home. I don’t want you here.”
He flinched. “You don’t mean that. What happened? What’s wrong?”
“I said I don’t want to talk about it!” she yelled, making him rock back on his knees. “Leave. Me. Alone.”
“No.”
“I can’t take this anymore! I don’t want to talk about my feelings. I’m tired of bleeding out every time we speak. It doesn’t make anything better. Stop hovering over me, dammit! I’m not a child. You’re suffocating me.” You’re making me feel too much.
His whole face tightened up, and she watched as his hands gripped his thighs. Her head filled again like a mushroom, the cold phantom breathing on her neck.
Your mom is going to die. I’m going to get her. Just like I got Kim.
The da
rkness started to envelope her. She turned her back on him and dug her hand into the sponge. She started to scrape away the natural brown lines in the grout, but it wouldn’t come out.
A deep gust of brutal, punishing cold blew over her, but she kept on cleaning to stay grounded, to stay warm, to stay sane. When she could take it no more, she hurled the sponge against the wall of the shower and screamed until she was hoarse. She grabbed her hair as her sobs poured forth, mad cries, agonized calls for help.
But no one came to help her.
When she finally stopped crying, she curled into a ball on the shower floor, shivering from the cold. No one had come because she’d finally done the worst thing imaginable.
She’d pushed Blake away for the last time.
Chapter 34
Blake stumbled across the yard to the bridge. When he reached it, he gripped the wood and bent over at the waist, his breaths heaving out.
It the worst kind of déjà vu he’d ever experienced.
Something had happened, and he couldn’t reach her. She wasn’t going to let him. The normal, happy person she’d been lately was like the tile powder she’d strewn all around her. Easy to scrub away. As he stared into the dark woods, he realized she was always going to run away when something terrible happened. Rough times would come again, and when they did, she would choose to stay numb. She would shut him out again.
He kicked the bridge, wanting to tear it down with both hands. The infinity symbols mocked him. She didn’t love herself enough to let him love her in the worst moments of life, which meant they didn’t have the foundation for a happy marriage and never would. Even crafting a dream job in Dare Valley wouldn’t change that.
Touchdown barked, and he turned his head, his vision refocusing. Their dog had followed him. His heart broke because he knew he had a decision to make.
He dashed at his tears and picked him up, pressing him to his chest. She needed their beautiful beagle more than he did. She always had. The dog licked away his tears and nuzzled his face.
“You’ve been…the best dog ever. I’m…” Oh shit, this hurt. This fucking hurt. “I’m going to miss you, but Mommy needs you more right now.”