by Morag Joss
‘The thing is,’ he said now, ‘we’ve expanded to fit our space. Even our voices are louder. Don’t you know what I mean?’
Jean thought about it. She knew the sounds of the house now. There was the faint rush of water as the washing machine filled or emptied that she could hear upstairs in the nursery, directly above the laundry room. There was the faint gurgle of the water softener, the creak of espadrille soles on the waxed upper floors, the friendly burble of music when someone, usually Steph, left the radio on in the kitchen. (She said that music helped her milk flow, it was well known, the same thing happened to cows.) Also, these days, Jean could spend hours in the house going about her tasks, and though alone, hardly for a moment would she be in any doubt about where the others were or what they were doing. She might hear a distant, mechanical cough and then the whine of the saw, and she would know that Michael was cutting logs at the woodpile behind the far wall of the vegetable garden. She would know that he was breathing in the smell of resin and the faint warm stew of the compost heap a few yards away. Sawdust would be flying in the air around him, and he would look up from time to time and see the world streaked and skewed by the plastic safety goggles, which would be making his face sweat. She might hear the chug of the mower, or the clack of the ladders against a wall and the rustle and snap as he pruned the climbers. From the other side of the house she might hear Steph at the pool chanting a counting game with Charlie, dunking and lifting him in and out of the water, or pulling him about with a lulling sing-song, as he perched, with her hands supporting him, on a massive, duck-shaped float.
Or there might be a very particular silence from the white plastic loungers (another purchase from the garden centre) on the grass in front of the kitchen windows. At such times Steph might be drawing something. She would only draw things she could see, a detail of the roof, a lavender bush, sometimes even an impromptu still life of whatever was to hand: an apple core, sun cream tube, sandal, or empty glass. But most often, she would draw Charlie. She filled page after page with silvery pencilled lines out of which emerged his little buds of toes, the coiled ends of hair slipping behind one ear, his closed eyes, the warm cheeks bulged in sleep, the fanning fingers and pink scoops of fingernails. Sometimes Jean would peep out of the window and see that Steph was dozing along with him, her drawing pad collapsed and pressed against her chest. Then, not wanting to disturb them, Jean would think to herself that it would make no difference if she vacuumed the kitchen tomorrow instead of this minute, or if she blended the herbs and nuts for pesto later on (she had gone from Larousse to the River Cafй by this time).
Sometimes she would hear Michael and Steph going about something together, talking in a continual, contented banter about the score of a croquet game, the amount of fruit to be picked, how slowly Steph read, how fast Michael did. Even, once, she heard them arguing gently about which one of them Charlie resembled more, stopping just short of actually using the words takes after. And then there were the shrieks, the calling out, the yelling from one end of the place to the other when one of them wanted the others for something, doors opening and closing, footsteps.
‘We make more noise,’ she said, ‘if that’s what you mean. Because we go about things just as we like. As if nobody is ever going to mind,’ she said, smiling at Charlie.
‘And nobody is,’ Michael said, as if his point had been proved.
‘Oh, by the way,’ Steph said, ‘Charlie’s staying the night.’
She had been waiting to tell them this, and now looked round with shining eyes. It was great fun, being able to tell people something that was going to make them pleased with her. She had never realised. ‘Aren’t you, little Charlie-arlie, little Charlie’s going to sleepy-byes in his cot, going to stay all night and be a good baby, aren’t you, Charlie?’ she crooned at him, drawing out both her pleasure and their surprise. ‘Sally’s got a boyfriend,’ she said. ‘She met him at work, he’s a lawyer as well, in her firm, he joined when she was on maternity leave. She goes on about it all the time. Philip. He’s younger than her. And she doesn’t know if she should tell her husband about him or not, she sort of wants to. I said she should wait a bit.’
She looked up at them importantly. ‘Anyway, the thing is she asked me to baby-sit. Ages ago. She’s asked me loads of times and I kept saying I couldn’t, so she got somebody else from the village, only tonight they’ve cancelled. So this morning she’s all desperate and I said I’d do it but it’d be better if we just kept him here instead of me taking him back for six o’clock and baby-sitting him there, better for her so she’s got lots of time to get ready, and he can sleep over here so she won’t have to worry about getting back afterwards or anything. ‘And,’ she smiled again, ’cause it’s a Friday, I said we might as well have him tomorrow so she can have a Saturday to herself for a change, we’ll keep him till six. So we’ve got him nearly a whole weekend.’
‘Are you sure she doesn’t mind?’ Jean asked. ‘She doesn’t see much of him in the week, are you sure she doesn’t mind us having him on a Saturday?’
‘If you ask me,’ Steph said with a knowing snort, ‘she’s dead pleased. She keeps asking if I think she’s lost the baby weight. And the other day she asked if it was true a man can tell when a woman’s given birth. If he could… you know… feel anything.’
‘Really!’ Jean exclaimed. She wanted to sound as if she were only pretending to be shocked but in fact she was, a little.
‘I said, as if I should know!’
‘What’s that got to do with you baby-sitting?’ Michael asked, wondering about the answer to Sally’s question and promising himself he would think about it properly another time.
Steph looked witheringly at him. ‘S’obvious. She’s obviously planning on bringing the boyfriend back tonight, isn’t she? If Charlie’s away she can shag him all night, can’t she? And probably all day tomorrow as well.’
‘Really!’ Michael cried, mimicking Jean. ‘Really, Stephanie! How can you use that word in front of Charles!’
‘Shagging? But that’s exactly what she’d say!’ Steph told them, laughing again, this time louder.
* * *
It was not exactly what Sally said. But she did say that it had been a treat having Charlie out of the house overnight. ‘Because if anything, Steph, since I’ve been back at work he’s been even worse at night. He’s still waking for a feed and he’s gone bloody backwards with the bottle, I’m up for hours with him. Don’t you think he’s gone backwards? Don’t tell me he takes the bottle for you.’
‘Well… you know, he might just be playing you up a bit. You know, just for the attention?’
‘Oh, don’t you start making me feel guilty! Bloody hell, I’ve got to earn a living, haven’t I? Aren’t I entitled to some fun and a bit of time to myself?’
‘Of course you are! I didn’t mean that. We’re happy to have him. I mean, we haven’t got your sort of pressure, have we? It’s easier for us. In fact my aunt says he’s ever so welcome to come again next weekend. Then you could have another peaceful night, couldn’t you?’
Sally accepted the offer. And on the weekend following that, Charlie was allowed to stay away for two nights, and after that it became the norm that on a Thursday morning Sally would kiss him goodbye and not see him again until Saturday evening. She made a point of saying that she was not enjoying herself, not entirely.
‘They’re chucking work at me like it’s going out of fashion,’ she told Steph. ‘If you ask me they’re trying it on- can she or can’t she cope with it now she’s got a baby, oh, they want to think it can’t be done. They’re waiting to see if I’ll go under, well, I’m buggered if I will. I can work all Thursday night if you’ve got Charlie, can’t I? I mean, if I wasn’t a single parent I’d have somebody to help me handle Charlie in the evenings, wouldn’t I? All I’m getting is what millions of people get. And if you’ve got him Friday as well, that gives me a bit of time with Philip, and I don’t see what’s so bloody unreasonable about having a
bit of fun, do you?’
‘Of course it’s not unreasonable,’ Steph said, smoothly. ‘Charlie’s perfectly happy and that’s the main thing, isn’t it?’
‘Of course! There’s no reason to feel guilty about it and you know what? I don’t. People don’t understand that. I mean you should hear Charlie’s granddad- he was on the phone again, when am I going out to Nepal, when is Charlie getting christened, et bloody cetera. Christ!’
As Sally grew happier her house became even more untidy and the range of things left lying around widened. It now included many more pieces of makeup, sometimes squashed into lardy pink lumps on the floors or tabletop, wine bottles and theatre programmes, matchbooks from restaurants, a couple of books on hot air ballooning (Philip’s hobby) and, once, an unworn pair of black stockings that had been, as Sally explained to Steph, ‘ripped to buggery’ on their way out of the packet. Steph would clear up these things into prim little heaps that made Sally laugh.
At the end of June there was to be a hot air balloon festival near Deauville. Sally informed Steph, in what sounded like a prepared statement, that Philip had been very generous about Sundays, quite prepared to share them with a six-month-old baby who was not even his. He complained about it really very little, especially when, it should be remembered, Philip was five years younger than Sally and had no ambitions yet to be a father himself. So it seemed to Sally quite reasonable that he should now make it clear, of course in a gentle way, that he wanted to go to France without Charlie, just the two of them, leaving on the Wednesday and returning on Sunday the 29th of June. In fact it was not just reasonable, it was rather sweet and romantic, although it did mean that Sally now had to ask a favour. Not that she did so lightly. She had thought about it and discussed it with Philip. They both felt that it was terribly lucky that Charlie was not the clingy and difficult baby he had been a couple of months ago, and that Sally could contemplate leaving him with Steph for four nights with a completely easy mind.
***
I suppose I’m of that generation that is meant to believe that everything is worse than it used to be, including mothers. But they could be bad in my day, too. I’ve been painfully aware from an early age of how bad mothers can be. So it’s just in general that I think I don’t understand mothers (with the exception of Steph, of course) and not, as you might expect me to say, ‘modern’ mothers. Nor am I saying that Sally is necessarily a bad mother. She committed no sin; inattention is not in itself a sin, though I am of the no doubt old-fashioned opinion that there is considerable vanity in the belief that one can attend satisfactorily to so many things at once. But no, the puzzle is mothers generally. There’s no explaining them or, to be more accurate, there’s no explaining why the people who make the best ones are not necessarily the ones who have the babies.
Although I’m not referring to Mother, is that clear? I daresay Mother and I each blamed the other for our situation, and I am prepared to admit that I cannot have been without fault. No, I mean my own, actual mother, the one who (I like to think still) was killed in an air raid on Cardiff just before my fifth birthday, in 1940. The one who I am sure must have made the dress I was wearing on the day when Mother collected me from the children’s home and brought me on the train all the way back to Oakfield Avenue. The one of whom I do not have a photograph and cannot recall a thing, not the colour of her hair, the sound of her voice, nor the smell of her skin, nor the feel of my arms round her neck. It may even be a presumption that I ever did put my arms round her neck, but I cannot imagine I did not. Not knowing how that felt is what I most miss- and this is important, the point being that it is perfectly possible to miss something one has never had. It is not the contrast between having and not-having that is at the root of the pain. You simply go without and feel the lack.
In fact I don’t know why I think about necks and arms when what I recall most about that time is knees. Not even hers, my real mother’s, but Mother’s. That day we had walked from the children’s home to the station without saying anything. Mother carried my case in one hand and held on to the strap of her shoulder bag in the other. Was that why she did not take my hand? While we were in the waiting room I needed to go to the lavatory, so I raised my hand and asked to be excused. Mother pushed my arm down and said very quickly, ‘You should have gone before we left. What a waste of a good penny. And you’re to call me Mother.’
Then in the train there were Mother’s purple and white knees (like two not very meaty ham hocks, as I now picture them). It was freezing, and so crowded that there was nowhere for me to sit, so I stood next to her the entire way. My ankles were stinging with tiredness, and I kept lurching over onto the sides of my shoes until she told me I would ruin them. Sometimes I tried to lean against her knees just to take the weight off my legs, but they were too hard and wide, as clenched as fists, and she would move me off and tell me not to fidget. She did not take me onto her lap because she was knitting most of the way, something that had no colour. There was a bit of conversation in the carriage, I think about me, there was an atmosphere of slight congratulation; Mother behaved as if she had acquired something quite covetable that was nevertheless proving awkward to cart home, like a new ironing board or a stepladder or something. A lady told me she was sure I had a nice smile, would I not show her how nice my smile was? I think Mother was pleased at that, but she never stopped knitting. I remember watching the needles going up and down and from side to side, and I could tell she was doing it to fend me off.
Anyway, all that is beside the point. I don’t know why I digressed, unless it’s to show that I have never, at least not since the age of five, been starry-eyed about mothers. Yet I was taken aback that Sally handed Charlie over so casually. Glad, too, of course, because Charlie made us complete, but at the same time almost annoyed. It was no doubt perverse of me but I kept thinking, how could she? I would never, ever have let Michael be taken off by virtual strangers at that age. I told him so and I think he liked knowing that if he had been in my care he would not have been dumped with just anybody for any reason at all, let alone for a hot air balloon festival. What is that, anyway? Sally had her priorities all wrong. In fact it’s hard to believe she even thought of herself as a mother in the true sense. There’s some excuse, you see, for Mother (I see that now), who never actually gave birth to me, but none for my actual mother or, in my opinion, for Sally. Though I am not without sympathy for her. I do realise that she will be terribly upset.
Steph wheeled Charlie back to Sally’s house on Sunday evening trying not to mind that Sally’s holiday with Philip was over. Four days and nights with Charlie had been just long enough to get used to having him with her all the time, and he fitted so perfectly into whatever else they did, observing what they were up to with such amused interest, that sometimes it even seemed that they went about jobs just so that he could watch. The planting of her marigolds, for instance. They had been almost as much for Charlie as for Miranda.
The stock of Bill’s shop in the village had been expanding as the summer progressed; he had set out slanting tables outside from which he sold local fruit, vegetables and plants, spending long hours, when it was warm enough, sitting out there himself on a picnic chair with his newspaper. On Wednesday morning, walking Charlie back to the manor for his four day stay, Steph’s eye had been caught by trays of bright yellow marigolds. On an impulse she had bought three of them, earning Bill’s undying respect, and had taken nearly twice as long as usual to walk back to the manor with two of them wedged into the carrying shelf at the base of the pushchair and the third balanced on the front bar. While Charlie watched, she planted them out later that day in the shape of a wide letter M, over Miranda’s grave under Jean’s magnolia tree. Of course she got a little tearful, and Charlie watched her solemnly and almost seemed to understand.
But it was Sunday now; the marigolds had been watered in and were doing well, and it seemed a long time since Wednesday. Still, she would have Charlie back again in the morning, she told herself. Bu
t all the way down the drive and along the main road to the village she was thinking how crazy it was, all this ferrying back and forward to Sally’s just to leave Charlie there for a few hours overnight. Sally would be going back to work the next day, and Steph knew that on Monday night the old pattern would resume; Sally would barge in loudly, and she would have to be waiting to hand Charlie over to her again. It was becoming harder and harder to do. Even as she would be calling out ‘Hi! In here!’ in response to Sally’s crash of the front door, she would be silently begging Charlie to understand that she was not betraying him. She would nuzzle one more time into his neck and breathe in his ear that she would be back in the morning, but she could not bear to look at him closely for fear that she might see abandonment on his face. Giving him back at the end of each day felt pointless and inappropriate, especially as Sally more often than not did not stop yapping long enough to take much notice of him. When she did quieten down long enough to acknowledge that he was actually sitting on her lap, she seemed reluctant to break some train of thought of her own in order to pay him any proper attention. Steph sometimes wondered if she ought to remind her that she had spent the past nine hours away from her baby son and should be more delighted to have him back.
Steph reached the house and saw that Sally’s car was parked outside. ‘She’s back, Charlie,’ she told him as she unstrapped him from the pushchair and carried him to the door. ‘Never mind,’ she whispered, bracing herself to part with him.
She had to leave the pushchair in the front garden because the hall was too full of a freshly dumped consignment of new stuff. With Charlie in her arms she picked her way across the threshold, past Sally’s luggage, a plastic picnic box, supermarket bags, cases of wine and Sally herself, who was leaning against the wall with the phone at one ear, listening grimly to what must be a long speech at the other end. She squeezed up to let Steph by, ruffling Charlie’s hair and pouting at him. In the kitchen Steph came upon a huge, glass-eyed, orange teddy bear, perched up on a chair. It was wearing a leather balaclava, a fringed white silk scarf and a sash that read ‘Fкte de Deauville’. Charlie took one look at it and began to wail. Steph backed out and carried him into the dining room, where she set about changing him and getting him into his pyjamas. She felt she could hardly turn round without bumping into things; even though none of the fall-out from Sally’s trip seemed to have made it this far, there still seemed to be less space than before for her and for Charlie. The room itself seemed smaller, as if during the past four days the walls had been quietly and malevolently shuffling forwards and closing in. She realised that Michael had been right about getting bigger. In this house she felt the opposite of how the manor made her feel. Here, she wondered if she ought to try to shrink. She said little enough in Sally’s presence, but even the voice inside her wanted to make more noise and use up more air than this house was prepared to allow her. She felt as if even the taking of a deep breath would cause her to expand into some place she should not go.