by Eden O'Neill
“Part of it, yeah. The other part is because I need you. You don’t have to forgive me now, but at least let me be a part of your life again.”
I supposed I could do that for her, telling her so, and I turned. Royal made eye contact with me again, and though I knew he wasn’t rushing me, he was sitting by himself. His attention redirected when the waitress filled his coffee.
“I gotta go, Aunt C.”
“Okay, but be careful. Your dad told my why you’re there, and I hope whatever it is you need from your visit you get.”
I hoped so too, starting to end the call before she spoke again.
“Oh, and I almost forgot,” she said. “A couple of people came by to see your sister not that long ago. One of them was a boy? A young man? I only mention him because your sister didn’t really have any friends here. Does he go to your school?”
“I don’t know. What did he look like?”
“Blond and excuse me when I say this because I’m well into my forties, but gorgeous as hell. He reminded me of the guys from the boy bands I used to have on my walls as a kid.”
Well, that sounded familiar. I panned again to find Royal. He was staring at me again, and after ending my call, I ventured over. He stood as I got there, his hand reaching for the back of my arm.
“Everything okay?” He moved hair out of my face, his fingers ghosting along my skin. I’d never get over how it felt to be touched my him. Never.
Nodding, I picked up my bag. “Aunt C. She was just checking in. She said someone came to see my sister in LA. A blond boy who looked like the boy band guys she used to have on her walls.”
Smiling a little, Royal threaded his fingers in mine, making sure to give the tip directly to the waitress on the way out. I didn’t see how much he gave her, but the wad of bills was easily bigger than my OJ, toast with peanut butter, and his coffee. He pushed the door open for me. “I’m flattered. Did you tell her it was me?”
“I told her I suspected a boy from school, yeah.” We stopped on the sidewalk, and he grabbed my other hand. I studied his face. “Why did you go out there? When even?”
“After the fight,” he sighed, then let go of my hand to scrub one through his perfect hair. It fell so hotly over his eyes I wanted to touch it and did. He smiled. “I just wanted to see her. Your sister has a way of opening my eyes to some things. Always.”
“Did she that day?” I asked, and his gaze left, fell across the street. A car started to come by, and Royal waved for us to pass.
“She did,” he stated once we crossed the street, and it took me a moment to realize where we were. Royal hadn’t said where we’d be going today, but when I noticed the name on the building, I let go of his hand.
I stepped back, way back, and shook my head. Why were we outside this building…
Why were we at the Corrington Meadows’s Coroner’s Office?
Four
December
“This is needed, December. I swear it is.”
But how? And how could he make me come here? My sister’s body had been in there… her dead body. I shook my head again. “What the fuck, Royal?”
He started to approach, but I lifted my hands. He frowned. “Em…”
“Don’t Em me.” This was too much, too everything, and what did being here have to do with the truth only he could give? Was he messing with me?
What the fuck?
I walked in the opposite direction, but Royal got to me before I even hit the street. He pulled me forward. “All the answers start here—”
“What answers?” I shook out of his grasp. “You’ve been a vault, and this is cruel.”
“It may be, but it’s necessary. What’s inside is necessary.” He sighed toward the heavens, shoving hands into his pockets. “You know what? You’re right. This is too much. It’s too much for you, and I never should have taken you here—”
“Don’t do that. Don’t act like I’m weak!”
“You’re not, but, December, this would be a lot for anyone. Coming here?” He threw a hand behind his neck. “It would be for anyone. It was for me.”
I blanched at the admittance, the fact he’d come here unknown to me.
Perhaps, he knew I had no idea, my surprise all over my face. Approaching, he pushed hands to the back of my arms, warming me through my coat. “I came here after you left for LA. That’s why I wasn’t at your sister’s ceremony.”
“Why would you come here instead of the service?”
A tongue dampened his full lips, and he reached up to brace my face. “Because I needed to know the truth about some stuff. A trail brought me here, and I followed. I fucking followed it and unleashed all kinds of fucking bullshit I never wanted you to be a part of.”
Tears, actual tears, fell and streamed thickly down my face. Royal wiped them away, his thumbs running through those hot trails. By my cheeks, he brought me forward and pulled me directly into his hard chest.
“Baby, I never wanted you to be a part of this.” So much emotion in his voice, the tone gravelly. Smoothing hands over my head, he kissed my hair in the cool breeze. “Just give me a reason. A reason to let you go and get you the fuck out of this place. It’s your call, Em, and I’ll do it. I’ll do anything. I’d give anything to protect you from what I know.”
I knew he would, and had in the past to the point of more cruelty. He’d rather hurt me to keep me away than tell me the truth, his MO.
I was starting to understand so much about this beautiful boy, the layers of his heart no doubt twisted and mutilated from previous pain. I was sure he’d experienced years of it, physical scars I’d seen. He did things the only way he knew how.
“I want to see,” I gasped, gripping his arms. I buried my face into his jacket. “I want to know whatever it is you have to show me.”
Despite what I said, Royal didn’t move, the pair of us just standing there in the chill. I physically had to separate myself from him, his cheeks filled with red from the wind. I touched one. “I think I just need your help.”
Nodding, Royal led me inside a building so sleepy in this AM. It was still early and we didn’t even have to check in at the doors, just walked on in, and Royal had clearly been here before. He led the way, his hand tight in mine. A few times he kissed the back of it, then eventually brought his strong embrace around me entirely. He guided me down a hallway barren of people, brick walls painted white and air smelling too sterile. It was like they bathed the place in bleach, pungent and entirely too clean. Coming across a door, Royal stopped in front of it.
“Let me have your hands,” he said, and I gave them to him. He pulled off my gloves, then his own with his teeth. After pocketing them both, he rubbed my hands in his, taking the moments to bring them to his mouth.
He breathed so much heat into them, his eyes closed and mine shut too. I stayed in the dream, allowed him to take me away. I realized in that moment I think that’s why he did it. He was giving me more time…
Maybe even giving himself a few moments too.
Letting go, he touched our foreheads together. “You ready?”
There was no getting ready for something like this. Being here already had changed everything, but being brave, I told him I was, and after he let go, he knocked on the door behind us. Royal’s fist touched a glass window lightly, opaque so I couldn’t see inside.
The door opened only seconds later.
A man stood there, a thin man in a white jacket. He also wore rubber gloves, his name plate stating, Dr. Felton. Dr. Felton barely greeted us, a nod like he’d been expecting us. Stepping back, he allowed us entry into the space behind him, more of that antiseptic smell blasting its wave on me. The array forced a wave of nausea I didn’t anticipate, and Royal grabbed my hand. He squeezed as if he knew, and after we got inside, Dr. Felton closed the door.
“I assume you have payment?” the doctor asked, and acknowledging that, Royal pulled out his wallet. He took out more bills, handing them over to Dr. Felton.
Royal
replaced the wallet back into his jeans. “There’s more in there for time and the room. We won’t need you.”
I blanched. He really had done this before.
The doctor pocketed his cash. “Very well. I’ll get you what you need, then you have the space to do with as you please.”
I followed him with my gaze as he rerouted to a bookshelf, and with his back turned, I finally got a moment to take in the room. The area appeared as an operating room, a metal board in the center with various tools on tables surrounding it. There were all kinds of operating devices, knives and blades…
She was in here.
The sickness rose again, and like wildfire, Royal returned. He placed a hand behind my arm this time, waiting while the doctor ventured over from a wall full of binders. Dr. Felton only had one when he returned.
“As always no pictures,” he said, eyeing us. “The files in here are restricted.”
“And your only copies?” Royal asked, his expression vacant, hard. I’d seen him like this enough times to know the legitimacy. He gave zero fucks if he expected something, not an act at all.
Dr. Felton nodded. “Yes. I preserved them after your last visit. They won’t be destroyed as previously requested. That is as long as payment continues?” Royal need only give this man a look, and he was placing the book on the metal table, his answer apparently given. Dr. Felton stepped back. “You have as long as you need.”
The doctor left the room, and with his absence, I felt the chill, the reality of whatever this was before me. I was about to see something and I had a feeling it was something I didn’t want to see. Royal came behind me, unzipping my coat but when he started to take it I shook my head. It may be warm in here, but I was so cold.
He put his hands on my shoulders. “I won’t do anything. Not until you’re ready.” He was leaving this to me. All of this? I shook my head again, and he brought his arms around me, his chin brushing my ear. “What do you need from me, Em?”
I needed this; my eyes closed as I embraced the weight of his arms. “What page do I need to turn to?”
“One forty-two. Do you want me to do it? I can. Just give me the word.”
I must have given him enough of one because soon, he was reaching around me. He opened that binder, and the appropriate page must have been marked because the book opened right to page 142. Getting to what Royal needed me to see was too easy.
So easy…
I covered my mouth at only a look of photos, hands that didn’t look like hands. There were only pieces… fingers and the flash of a face, bruises on cheeks and around eyes…
I can’t do this.
This wasn’t her. This wasn’t what she was supposed to be. This wasn’t my sister. This wasn’t…
“Em!”
I collapsed to the floor, and Royal came with me, holding me, squeezing me so damn tight.
“December, I’m sorry. Sorry,” he rasped, pushing back my hair as he rocked me, but sorry for what? Showing me this? My sister’s spare parts? What did this show? What could this possibly show?
“Why?” I ached, shuddering in his arms. “Why did you do this? Why would you show me this!”
“Because it’s the truth.” He ached too, his deep voice so thick and pained. “It’s everything. Paige, she… Paige had bruises. Bruises around her wrists and forearms. Her neck…”
Her neck?
“It all shows signs of trauma,” he continued. “Do you understand me?”
I didn’t understand, and he pulled back my hair, clearing it from my ear when he leaned in.
“The bruises were everywhere, Em. Her waist and in between her legs…” Royal shook his head. “There’s trauma everywhere—”
“What are you trying to say!” I turned around, and he let go of me. I’d never seen such torture on his face, such raw emotion, when he squeezed his eyes.
He dropped his hand. “I’m saying your sister was dragged by a train, yeah. But there’s a binder full of evidence that shows she was dead before it even came down the track.”
Five
One year ago
Paige
“How are you holding up, Paige?”
I opened my eyes, unable to fucking breathe. Pressing my hand to the office’s window, I stared outside. People were across the street in a park, people together and just chillin’. One couple pushed a baby in a stroller. They were together, not thinking about anyone else or fucking drama.
“Paige… I’m sorry. I just can’t do this anymore. It’s… It’s not right.”
“Paige?”
My lashes flashed, and I turned, my breath stolen away again. Lena stared at me, expectant. She told me to call her that. Not my counselor anymore since freshman year.
“What?” I asked, bracing my arms. She’d said something to me.
The woman’s smile was slight, her eyes always warm as she lounged back against her desk. “I asked how you’d been holding up. You came to see me. Gosh, it’s been years.”
It had been years, enough for me to notice. I should have come to her sooner. I should have come to her before things got so deep.
But that’s not why you’re here now.
The reason was stupid, incredibly, and I realized that the moment Lena left her desk and approached. I couldn’t look at her directly in the eye, so close to someone else’s…
“I’m sorry.” I really was dumb, and I left, needing to breathe. I needed to get out of there.
Why can’t I just let go?
I didn’t want to, anger and fury filling me. The betrayal was suffocating, my own damn fucking fault. I should have known that’s where this would go. I wasn’t worth it to anyone.
I wasn’t worth fighting for.
Certain of that now, I passed Lena and forced myself to let go of a lifeline. I needed to let go, so obsessed I had to see Lena. She’d been my friend, but that’s not why I came to her. I wanted something, selfish for needing only one last look of those eyes. They weren’t mine to look at, to have. That fact had been proven to me, and I had to accept that.
“Paige, wait.”
I clipped my old counselor’s shoulder, Lena, on the way out. Me coming in here like I did, then leaving wasn’t fair to her, but I didn’t fucking care. There’d be no more hurt after I left this room, only pain.
There’d only be revenge.
I slammed the door to the downtown practice, leaving the building as quickly as I’d come. I was so happy I’d come to see Lena in the end. I’d needed a reality check.
I needed one last goodbye to those eyes.
Six
The present
December
I drowned in a sea of images, reality I forced myself to take in. I had to see the truth. I had to experience it, and doing so ripped me apart, each and every image I forced myself to thumb through. I had to see it all, though. I had to be shown the truth, and sometimes, yeah, Royal had to turn those pages for me. Sometimes, he even had to hold me up just for me to see those images, but I was there for every one. I was there for the story.
I was there for this new reality.
He showed me pain. He showed me trauma, and every moment he made sure to remain stronger than me. He soldiered on through my screams, held me through my terror, and told me the story.
No matter how much it broke him too.
He told me there was tearing at one point, physical evidence of forced entry discovered via the autopsy. There were no photos of this, but Dr. Felton had left detailed notes, ones Royal talked about before he allowed me to read the notes myself. He’d been absolutely shaking when he told me about the evidence, and reading on, I understood why.
The vomit came right behind.
It came in a never-ending wave, Royal holding me the whole time while I let it out. I filled probably two trash cans, the tearing noted to be between my sister’s legs when I made it that far in the notes.
Rape.
The letters had been big and red, a blur behind cloudy vision. I cried my godda
mn eyes out, as much as I could between bouts of vomiting. Royal gripped me within his strong embrace, not letting go, and eventually, he decided I had enough. He told me my life would change just the day before, to get one last good sleep when we were on the road.
I’d never sleep whole again.
He had me on the road after we left the coroner’s office but not for long. We checked into a hotel, but as far outside of Corrington Meadows as he could get me. It was a bigger town, a nicer city and hotel, and with more than just a bed and small bathroom like the motel he’d checked us into the night prior. We hadn’t had many options in Corrington Meadows, but this new city he’d been able to get a suite. It had three rooms and a giant bathroom, and though I had no idea how much it cost, I had a feeling he spared no expense. Royal basically carried me into the suite at that point, no words shared between us since in Dr. Felton’s office. They hadn’t come from me, of course, all from him for so long…
“There was tearing between her legs, Em…”
I couldn’t breathe again, dizzy, and Royal physically picked me up and secured me in his muscled arms. Like an unshakable mountain, he walked with me to the bathroom, only taking the moments to kick down the lid of the toilet before setting me on top of it. He helped me brush my teeth, then ran me a bath in a tub fit for like five people. Nothing but silence was between us as he gathered the bubbles up and made them nice and big. After he finished, he only left me for the moments it took to get me a change of clothes from my bag. He placed them down when he returned, and after confirming I’d be able to handle the rest, he left me in the bathroom. I sat there for so many moments before deciding the hot water and his labor might do something for me, anything to help.
“…she was dead before it even came down the track.”
I ached in the bath, physically biting my arm to keep from screaming. Eventually, I just laid my head on my arms, my legs braced as the water cooled and the bubbles of the bath disappeared around me. Soon, I was sitting in lukewarm water by myself.