by Amber Garza
“Hey,” Cal slurs when I approach. “What are you doing here, lil sis?”
“Hey, man,” Christian cuts in. Looking over at the girl trying to hold Cal up, he smiles. “Thanks. We’ll take it from here.”
Relief passes over her features when Christian grabs Cal’s arm, drawing him away from the girl.
“What’s up, man?” Cal says to Christian.
“Nothing much. Seems my night isn’t as interesting as yours.” A look of amusement passes over his features. He hoists Cal up, holding him under one armpit. “Emmy, can you grab his other side?”
“Sure.” I do as I’m told.
“Emmy?” Cal looks bewildered as if he’s seeing me for the first time.
I shake my head.
Christian ignores his comment. “C’mon, Cal. Let’s get you home.”
“But I don’t wanna go home. I’m having fun.” Cal pouts.
“What the hell is wrong with him?” I hiss. My brother isn’t a huge partier. Sure, he likes going to parties, but he rarely drinks, and never like this.
“He and Melissa broke up,” Christian explains as we walk forward.
“Melissa,” Cal says her name with disgust.
“Ah, I see.” My heart goes out to my brother. I know what it feels like to lose someone you care about. I glance at Christian as we drag Cal toward where the cars are parked in the gravel. Not that I’ve lost Christian. He’s right here. But he’s not mine.
He never has been.
And probably never will be.
It’s a depressing thought, and I understand my brother’s need to drink. To forget. To be numb. The problem is that eventually he’ll have to wake up. He’ll have to face everything again, and I already feel sorry for when that happens.
When we reach Christian’s car, he opens the passenger side door and we guide Cal inside. Once we shut the door, Cal leans his face against the window, his cheek pressed against the glass. I’m sure he’ll be fast asleep by the time Christian pulls out of here.
“Thanks,” I say. Awkwardness hangs between us.
“Of course. I’m happy to help.” He smiles.
“Sorry I had to tear you away from Selena. Seems like the two of you were having a good time.”
I may be imagining it, but I swear I see shame cross his features. But then he shrugs. “It’s okay. Cal needed me.”
I glance at the car. Cal’s eyes are closed, his mouth gaping open. “Think he’ll be okay?”
“You mean from the hangover or the break up?”
“Both, I guess.”
“I think he’ll have a rough day tomorrow and then he’ll feel better. But it might be a little while before he gets over Melissa.” His eyes crash into mine. “It’s hard to get over someone when you really like them.”
I swallow hard. “Yeah, it is.”
“You want me to give you a ride too? I am going by your house, after all.”
“Um…no. I better stay.”
He shifts uncomfortably from one foot to the other. “Right. Well, you better get back to your boyfriend before he starts to worry.”
I hate the sarcastic way he says the word “boyfriend.” Frankly, I hate this whole awkward conversation. It’s not the way I want things to be between us. “Yeah,” I practically whisper.
A breeze fans over me, and I shiver. Christian starts to reach for me, but then pulls back. “You should have worn a jacket. That little dress is not gonna keep you warm tonight.”
“It’s Ashley’s,” I say, and then wonder why I feel the need to clarify.
He pauses, looking me over. “You look pretty.” My heart skips a beat, my cheeks warming. Clearing his throat, he adds, “Well, maybe you should see if Josh will let you wear his jacket.” He averts his gaze. “I better get Cal home.”
When he walks to the driver’s side, desperation blooms inside of me like a flower opening up. I want nothing more than to jump in the car. Riding home with Cal and Christian sounds so much better than watching Josh and Ashley get drunk all night and then driving them home. But I have to stay. I’m their ride.
As Christian drives away, my stomach drops. For several minutes I watch the headlights of his car as he guides it down the road. Once it’s out of sight, I take a few deep breaths. Then I trudge back to the party, dread descending on me.
My heart is somewhere on the back roads driving toward my house.
“Emmy.” A dark figure steps out from behind the trees.
I gasp, clutching my chest. “Josh,” I breathe out. “You scared me.” My heart thumps beneath my palms, reminding me of a frantic drumbeat, of that dubstep music Cal sometimes listens to. I take deep breaths in an effort to return it to its normal cadence. One. Two. Three.
“Everything okay with Cal?” He steps toward me, cupping my elbow with his hand. I want to think of it as a protective gesture, but it feels different. More like a gesture of ownership.
“Yeah.” I nod.
“What about Christian?”
My throat feels dry. “Um…yeah. But, I mean, I don’t even think he’d been drinking.”
“That’s not what I meant.” His tone hardens.
My chest tightens. “W-what did you mean?”
“You tell me.”
“Huh?” Crap. Does he know something? My head spins.
“Em, is there something going on with you and Christian?”
Now is the perfect time to spill my guts. I can tell him everything and then wash my hands of the whole thing. Then maybe it won’t have this hold on me. Perhaps then I can let it go. I can release its power.
Only I know it’s not that simple. If I confess it to Josh it will open up a whole new can of worms. Besides, the season is starting soon. I won’t have it be my fault that there’s contention amongst the team. Sure, Christian and Josh don’t like each other, but I have no doubt they’ll find a way to work together on the field. Mostly because Christian is a professional. He doesn’t let his feelings rule the way he plays. And it’s his senior year. He’s going away to college next year to play ball. No way will he risk screwing anything up this season. However, if Josh finds out about Christian and me he won’t be able to let it go. I know Josh. Once he’s angry he can’t control his emotions. Not on or off the field.
Saying something now will not only blow my life apart, but Christian’s too. And I won’t do that. Not even to clear my guilty conscious.
“Nope. Nothing,” I say with a smile. Then I lean in and softly kiss him on the lips. “We’re just friends, that’s all.”
“Okay.” Josh kisses me back. I can’t tell if he believes me or not, but I go with it, hoping my kiss will convince him.
He’s been drinking so his kiss is sloppy, his hands roaming freely down to the hem of my dress. I want to push his hands away, but I know better. Now is not the time. It will only make him suspicious.
“Man, baby, have I told you how hot you look tonight?” Rank, beer-scented breath blows over my cheek.
I used to love when Josh called me hot. It made me feel special. But for some reason tonight it turns my stomach. I think back to when Christian called me pretty. It meant more to me than all of the times Josh has called me hot. Once again, my mind travels back to Christian’s car, and I can’t help but feel like that’s where I belong.
CHRISTIAN
Cal is on fire tonight. Too bad I’m not.
It’s our first scrimmage, and we’re playing our rival team. Every time I fail to block the ball I tell myself it doesn’t matter; that it’s not a real game. But that’s bull, and I know it. Even scrimmages count. At least in my mind. Every time I play it matters. I need to be on my game. Especially this year – my final year playing in high school. It’s a big deal. And I can’t afford to play like crap.
After the first inning, Cal intercepts me on the way to the dugout.
“What’s up with you tonight?” He clamps a hand on my shoulder.
“Nothing,” I answer quickly. “Just having an off night, I guess.”
>
“Well, get back on. I need you out there.”
“Yeah, I know.” I drum up a smile I don’t feel. Once we sit in the dugout, my gaze travels out to the bleachers. Emmy sits right in the front row, her hand halfway inside a bag of Doritos. After pulling one out, she chomps down on it. Orange residue coats her bottom lip and she reaches up to wipe if off. I wish I was sitting there. I’d gladly do that for her. Shaking away the thought, I glance over at Selena, sitting a few rows up. Her eyes are intently watching the game, her body rigid as she sits forward. My heart pinches.
I never should’ve started anything up with her. She’s a great girl. Hot, easy to be around, great ball player. She’s exactly the kind of girl I normally go for. But the timing’s not right. I’m only using her to get my mind off of Emmy. If it were anyone else it might be okay, but it feels wrong to do it to her. It’s obvious she really likes me. When we were talking on the phone last night she pretty much admitted that she’s had a crush on me for awhile.
I’m ashamed to admit that my first thought was that it was perfect. She’s the perfect distraction. And maybe if I tried hard enough she could be the perfect replacement. But as I’ve thought about it, it’s become crystal clear that it won’t work. Emmy is not a broken dish. She’s a person. And no one can replace her.
I’m hoping one day I’ll meet someone who overshadows her. Someone I like even more than Emmy. But not a replacement.
There’s no way I can replace years of conversations and moments. Years of games and laughter. It can’t be done. But one thing is clear. Until I can get over her, it’s not fair to string anyone else along.
“Ya feeling okay, Cal?” Josh sits down on the bench on the other side of Cal.
Cal gives him a funny look. “I’d say by the way I’m playing that I must feel pretty damn good. Which is more than I can say for you, Joshy.”
There is a collective round of “ooohs” around us.
My lips twitch at the corners. Cal and I exchange fist bumps.
Josh’s face reddens, but he recovers quickly, honing in on me. “Then I guess you’re the one who’s not feeling well.”
I shake my head. “Maybe you wouldn’t suck so bad if you spent more time worrying about yourself, Easton.” I purposefully use his last name because I know it will bother him. The last person he wants commenting about his family is me.
“I think it’s time you took your own advice, Alcott.” When he throws my last name back in my face, his gaze flickers over to the stands, landing on my mom.
“Trust me, I don’t worry about you at all,” I snap.
“No, but you spend a lot of time worrying about my girlfriend.”
Now he’s gone too far. Cal’s head spins in his direction.
“Hey, that’s my sister you’re talking about, dick. And she’s a lot more our responsibility than yours.”
Josh backs down after that, and it causes a smile to break out on my face. That’s right. Be careful who you mess with, little boy.
When it’s time for us to take the field, I purposefully ram my shoulder into Josh’s as we pass. When he throws me a disgusted look, I smile back. But when I glance at the bleachers to see Emmy staring adoringly in Josh’s direction my stomach sours. Crouching, I get into position and try to focus on the game, but it’s no use. Emmy’s stupid expression is burned into my brain.
This is going to be a long game.
****
When the game ends, I feel nothing but relief. We did end up winning, no thanks to me. Luckily, Cal pulled us through. And I’m hoping I can get it together by the next time I play. After getting a tongue lashing by Coach Hopkins, I trudge off the field, my bat bag slung over my shoulder. The gear clangs around inside, shifting with each step. The first person I see is Selena. She smiles and stands when I approach, as if she’s been waiting for me.
“You did great,” she says.
“No, I didn’t.”
“Okay, you didn’t.” She flashes me an apologetic grin. “But the team did.”
“Yeah,” I agree.
“And you’ll do better next time.”
“Yeah, I will.” I suck in a breath, gathering courage. It’s now or never. My only hope of getting my game up is to be honest with her. “Look, Selena, I think you’re really cool, but…it’s just…” Damn it, I’m never good at this part.
She throws up her hand to stop me. “It’s okay. I won’t make you go through with the entire speech. I know exactly where this is going.”
“You do?” I raise one eyebrow.
She nods. “And it’s okay. We’re not even really dating. You don’t have to hurt yourself by coming up with some long, break-up speech.”
The fact that she’s being so cool about this makes it even harder. “I’m sorry.” Man, I feel like crap.
“You’re really cool too, Christian,” she says. “I had a lot of fun with you this weekend, and I think we could have had a lot of fun in the future.” She studies me a minute. “You’re a good guy and, for your sake, I hope she feels the same way you do.”
“Who?” My heart freezes.
She shrugs. “The girl you’re in love with.”
“I’m not in love with anyone.” Am I?
“Hmmm. Usually I’m so good at reading these things.” She furrows her brows. “But there is someone else, right? That’s why you’re breaking it off with me?”
I nod. No sense in denying it now.
“I hope it works out for you.” With one last sad smile, she squeezes my arm and then walks off leaving me a clear view of Emmy. She’s sitting alone, her gaze fixated on me. I start to wonder where Josh is, but then dismiss the thought. I don’t want to think about him right now. Smiling, I take a few steps forward. When Emmy stands to greet me, my heart arrests. Suddenly nothing about tonight matters. Not how crappy I played in the scrimmage or the fact that I might have just broken some poor girl’s heart. All that matters is this moment. And in this moment everything feels right. It’s amazing how simply being in Emmy’s presence calms me. I wonder about Selena’s words. Is this what love feels like?
Do I love Emmy?
EMMY
I know I should be focused on Josh. He’s who I came here to watch. I mean, other than Cal. But the truth is that I’m not watching either of them. It’s like Christian has a target painted on him or something. Or like my eyes are magnets and he’s the fridge. I can’t stop staring at him the entire game. He’s not playing as well as he normally does, and I know it must be killing him. Even when he and Cal were little kids he was so hard on himself when he didn’t play well. They both were.
There was one particularly bad game when they were around ten or eleven. Christian couldn’t make a single catch. It’s like he had oil in his glove or something. I remember thinking that at the time, and I knew it was funny. So funny that if I had said it about anyone else Cal and Christian would have laughed. But I knew better than to share it with them that day.
Christian came over to our house after the game because his mom was busy at the shop. He tried to act tough, but I could see the tears in his eyes when he thought no one was looking. I didn’t know what to do, but I wanted to comfort him so badly. Mom had made chocolate chip cookies earlier that day, and I knew they were Christian’s favorite. So I heated one up for him, making it all gooey the way he liked. Then I brought it to him in the family room where he and Cal were playing video games. Cal got upset with me for not bringing him a cookie, but Christian smiled knowingly and whispered “thank you” so softly that only I could hear.
Today I long to comfort him the same way I did all those years ago. The problem is that I don’t think a cookie will do the trick this time.
After the game I wait while Coach Hopkins talks to the team. The bleachers clear out, most of the spectators leaving. But there are still stragglers. Most of us are the players’ girlfriends. Irrational annoyance rises in me at the fact that one of them is Selena. I had figured that what happened between Christian and Selena at t
he party was nothing more than a random hookup, but now it seems it’s more than that. It shouldn’t bother me since I’m with Josh anyway, but it does.
After the coach is finished, the players disperse, many of them heading in our direction. The minute Josh comes out, my insides coil. He played worse than Christian, and if his facial expression is any indicator he’s pretty pissed about it.
“Hey,” he says gruffly when he approaches me.
“Hey,” I respond. For a minute I contemplate offering him platitudes, but decide against it. He knows he played crappy. No sense in humoring him.
“Look, I know we were supposed to hang out tonight, but I’m not in the mood.”
Shame washes over me at how relieved I feel. “No worries. I get it.”
“Call me later?”
“Sure.”
He gives me a half-hearted peck on the cheek and then takes off. I almost leave too, but then I see Christian saying goodbye to Selena. Freezing, I watch them. She touches his arm and walks away. No kiss. No hug. Narrowing my eyes, I wonder what’s going on with them. Once she’s gone, his head bobs up, his eyes meeting mine. Without a word, he steps toward me. I stand, and offer him a small smile.
“You okay?” I ask.
“A little better now.”
“Because of Selena?” I have to know.
He shakes his head. “There’s nothing going on there.”
“Didn’t look like that on Saturday night.”
“That was a mistake,” he says, and I’m reminded of his words after our kiss. Seems he’s full of mistakes.
But I don’t want to rehash all of that right now. I want to go back to when things were normal between us. “Too bad I don’t have any cookies.”
He chuckles. “Yeah, no kidding. I could really use one right about now.”