by Amber Garza
Emmy likes to count. She counts stars, steps, breaths. But as her lips move over mine, I’m the one counting. Counting each frantic beat of my heart, knowing that it beats for her and her alone. It always has. And finally, it’s getting what it wants. When her chest presses to mine, our heartbeats mingling, I feel like I’ve come home.
My tongue slides over hers, tasting every inch of her mouth. Her fruity scent spins around me. Massaging my fingers into her hair, the strands coil around my knuckles. Her hands grip my shirt, warmth fanning over my skin. Her lips are hot and moist, her tongue soft. I never want to break away, I never want to stop kissing her. It’s like I’m afraid that when we separate the spell will be broken.
But I know this can’t last forever. Cal’s waiting outside, and her parents could walk in any minute. Reality washes over me. Blinking, I come out of my daze and step back. Our lips disconnect.
Emmy’s are red and swollen, lip-gloss trailing her cheek. Her hair is knotted and messy. And man, it is so sexy. The room comes into focus, my chest tightening. A minute ago I was so sure of what I wanted. Everything felt right. More right than it’s ever been. But now I’m not so sure. Emmy and I may want each other, but can this really work?
What will Cal think? What will her parents think? What will my mom think?
Oh, crap.
My head spins. I move away from Emmy, feeling dizzy. Betrayal flashes in her eyes.
“You’re gonna do it again, aren’t you?” She asks, and I can already see the walls flying up between us.
The sadness in her eyes kills me. “No, I’m not.”
She shakes her head. “I know you, Christian, and I can see you pulling away.” She drops her head into her hands and groans. “I can’t believe I fell for it again.”
As scared as I am of the repercussions, I can’t do this to her. Besides, I want her too badly to walk away again. My fingers close around her wrists, and I pry her arms away from her face. “Emmy, look at me.”
Reluctantly, she lifts her head. Our gazes collide.
“I’m not pulling away. I won’t do that to you again. I promise.”
She bites her lip, as if contemplating my words.
“Haven’t you ever wondered why I can’t stand Josh?”
“I know why.”
“No, you don’t,” I answer. “Everyone thinks it’s because of my mom, but that’s never been the reason. I get why Josh doesn’t like her. I would probably feel the same way if Dan was my dad. And, yeah, the guy’s kind of an ass on the baseball field, but so is Chase, and I put up with him. I would’ve found a way to get along with Josh too if he’d never started dating you. When I found out you two were together, I wanted to kick his ass. Like badly. It was completely irrational, but I couldn’t stand the thought of him touching you.” I slide my fingers down her arms, my fingertips traveling over her smooth skin. “Or kissing you.” Leaning forward, I softly press my lips to her temple. “It tore me apart. I wanted it to be me.”
“But you never said anything,” she says. “I mean, I’ve had a crush on you for years, and I had no idea.”
“You’ve always been an important part of my life. I guess I didn’t want to screw things up.”
“Is that what we’re doing?”
“I don’t know.” I curl my hand around her waist, drawing her to me. “But I’m not sure we have a choice anymore. I know I can’t back down from this. Staying away from you is killing me.”
“Me too,” she breathes.
And it’s all I need to know. Crushing her body to mine, I press my lips to hers. I don’t care who walks in. She’s mine, and I’m not letting her go.
EMMY
I wake up with a smile on my face, the details of yesterday afternoon fresh in my mind. What started as a terrible day ended up being one of the best days of my life. With a sigh, I conjure up the memory of Christian’s lips on mine, of his hands on my face and in my hair. I didn’t think it was possible for a kiss to be better than our last one, but this one was. Mostly because this time Christian didn’t push me away.
He drew me closer.
He stayed.
He made promises.
And I believed him. I still do, but I know it’s not going to be easy. Not everyone is going to be as excited as I am about this. And in order for us to be together, we’re going to have to tell everyone. And by everyone, I mean Cal. He’s the one I’m most worried about.
Before Christian left last night, we decided we’d tell Cal together. For now we’ll continue to act like nothing is going on. Then when the time is right, we’ll share everything with Cal as gently as we can. I’m in no hurry though. The mere thought of it makes my stomach churn. However, it will be worth it to be with Christian all the time. To have him as my boyfriend for real. It’s like a dream come true.
When I step out into the hallway in my pajamas, Cal is waiting for me. He glances down at me sheepishly.
“Em, I’m really sorry about Ashley. I never should’ve messed around with your friend.”
Is she my friend? I’m not even sure anymore. Honestly, I’d sort of forgotten about the whole thing with Ashley and Cal. All I’ve been thinking about is Christian. Even now it’s hard to drum up any anger. My insides are all warm and happy.
“It’s okay,” I tell him.
He appears confused. “That’s it?”
“Yep.” I smile, ready to let him off the hook. It was the betrayal that upset me. The being lied to. But I understand the chemistry. Now that I think back, there was always sexual tension between them. I’m kind of surprised I didn’t pick up on it sooner. Also, I know my brother. He’s never had much self-control when it comes to girls. And I can only imagine how many times Ashley threw herself at him. She never admitted it to me, but deep down I always suspected she had a little crush on Cal.
“But you were so mad yesterday. You told me to go to hell.”
“Sorry about that.” I grimace. “But I’m over it now.”
“Girls.” He shakes his head, confusion clouding his eyes.
“Boys,” I respond sarcastically, shaking my head too.
Cal chuckles. “Just so you know, I broke things off with Ashley. It won’t happen again.”
“How did she take it?”
He shrugs. “About like you’d think. That chick is way crazier than you.”
I laugh. “You can say that again.”
“Okay. That chick is way crazier than you.”
“Shut up.” I punch him in the shoulder.
“So, we’re good?” His eyes search mine.
“We’re good.”
“What about you and Ashley?”
I bite my lip, thinking. Her hurtful words run through my mind. “I don’t think I can be friends with her again. Her kissing you is something I could forgive, but I’m not sure I can get past the way she spoke to me afterward.”
“Yeah, she was a real witch,” he agrees. “I’m really sorry.”
I shrug. “That part isn’t your fault.” Heading into the bathroom, I think about how quickly life can change. Yesterday I thought Ashley was my best friend, but today it’s clear to me that she isn’t. Perhaps she never was. Turning on the shower, steam curls around my face. I hold my hand under the water, yanking it back quickly as it scorches my skin. After adjusting the temperature, I try again. Satisfied, I peel off my clothes and step inside. Warm water cascades down my back. I reach for the body wash, remembering how Ashley picked it out for me at the mall. As difficult as it will be, I know what I have to do. I have to cut Ashley out of my life.
And the best way to cut her out is to ignore her completely. A small smile plays on my lips at the thought. Nothing bothers Ashley more than being ignored.
****
My plan to ignore Ashley flies out the window the minute I spot her sitting at our lunch table, her hands all over Josh. First my brother, now my ex-boyfriend? Anger crashes over me, covering me like an ocean wave. It’s not because I still want him. I broke up with him. But tha
t doesn’t make me any less mad. It’s not even the point. The point is that I know Ashley’s only doing this to piss me off.
Truth is, I’ve always known Ashley was one of the mean girls. I’ve witnessed her in action on more than one occasion. But this is the first time I’ve been on the receiving end. And while I shouldn’t be surprised, it still stings.
I’m sure she expects me to let it go. Be the doormat everyone’s gotten used to me being. But letting Josh loose and admitting my feelings for Christian brought out this boldness I didn’t know I had. Holding my head high, I stalk over to the table. When I reach Ashley, I place my hands on my hips.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
If I expect her to cower or grovel I am sorely mistaken. Instead she wears an amused smile while she touches Josh’s head, running her fingers through his hair. Does she think she’s making me jealous? Because she’s not. I couldn’t care less if she’s with Josh. She can have him. He can treat her like shit instead of me. Trust me, if she starts dating him she’ll be regretting her decision within the week. I know I did.
“Really?” I ask, dumbfounded. “You want Josh now?”
“Ladies, ladies.” Josh throws up his hands, wearing an amused expression. “No need to fight over me.”
“Don’t flatter yourself,” I snap at him.
He glares at me. “Jealousy isn’t attractive on you, Em.”
“I’m not jealous.” I shake my head. It’s no use. Talking to Josh is like talking to a wall. Crossing my arms, I turn to Ashley. “Can we talk alone?”
“I have nothing to say to you.” Ashley purses her lips.
“Seriously? You said we were friends. Best friends actually. So I think you owe me an explanation for the way you’re acting.”
“Excuse us for a minute.” She presses her lips to Josh’s cheek swiftly and then swings her legs off the bench. Then she tucks her arm through mine the same way she’s done a million times. Only it doesn’t feel like a friendly gesture today. Walking forward, she guides me away from the table. Once we are out of Josh’s earshot, she turns to me.
“I thought you didn’t have anything to say to me?” I ask, shaking her arm off.
She shrugs. “I could tell you weren’t gonna go away unless I talked to you, so I’ll say this once. We were never really friends, okay? And now I don’t need you, so we’re done.”
“What?” Her words don’t make any sense.
Sighing, she says, “Didn’t you think it was weird that I suddenly wanted to be your friend last year after ignoring you for years?”
I guess I did, but I thought it was because we never really talked before then.
“And people think you’re the smart one.” She laughs. “Look, you were the means to an end. It was nothing personal.”
“Means to what end?” I glance back at the table. “If you wanted to be with Josh, why did you push him on me?” Even as I say the words I know that this can’t be about Josh. Ashley and I have been friends since last spring, and I’ve only been with Josh for four months.
“Not Josh. I’m just having a little fun with him right now. No, it was always about Cal.”
My head snaps up. “Cal?”
“Yeah, I’ve had a crush on Cal for years. He’s the reason I attended so many damn baseball games. And he’s the reason I kept dating other guys on the team.” She frowns. “But he never noticed me. Then one day I saw you sitting in the stands all pathetic and alone. At first I felt sorry for you. But then I saw how Cal treated you and it was clear the two of you were close. That’s when I realized that you were the answer. If I befriended you, Cal would be forced to notice me. Plus, I’d have access to him anytime I wanted.”
My stomach clenches. Bile rises in my throat, and I swallow it down. I knew she was a bitch, but I had no idea it went this far. “You were using me this whole time?” Thinking about the friends I’ve dropped for Ashley, the lies I’ve told, the things I’ve done, makes me want to puke.
She nods as if she’s proud of it. “And it was working too, until you found out and ruined the whole thing.”
I think of Cal’s words this morning. How he broke things off with Ashley for me.
“I figure if I can’t have Cal, I’ll settle for Josh. He’s been coming on to me for months anyway. We’ve even made out a few times behind your back, and he’s not a bad kisser. I could do worse.”
My body goes rigid.
Ashley smiles. “Didn’t know that, huh? Thought he was so into you? Yeah, right.”
Is anyone genuine? As if in answer to my question, I feel Christian’s eyes on me. Turning my head, my gaze meets his. He’s sitting at the table with Cal, but his attention is focused on me. And by the tense set of his jaw, I can tell he’s worried. I force a nod, and brave smile.
Ashley follows my eyes. “Don’t get too comfortable.”
“What does that mean?”
“I know you think you have some future with Christian, but I know better. You’re an easy target, that’s all.”
Her words stir doubt in my heart, but when I glance at Christian the doubt is replaced by assuredness. She’s wrong about him. She’s jaded and mean, and she has no idea what she’s talking about. Christian’s nothing like her. He’s genuine and real. She’s the fraud. When I look back at Ashley, I grin. “Thank you.”
“What?” I almost laugh at her stunned expression.
“Thank you for finally coming clean about who you really are.” My gaze flickers over to Josh. “And thanks for taking Josh off my hands. I think you two are perfect for each other.” With a triumphant smile, I spin around and walk out of the cafeteria. It isn’t until I’m outside in the quad that I start to crumble. I’m not upset because I still want Ashley in my life. I’m upset that I allowed her to use me like that. I’m upset that I trusted someone who was lying to me all this time.
Mostly I’m mourning who I thought she was.
And it’s something I need to grieve, to feel.
Hurrying through the quad, tears slip down my face. A montage of my friendship with Ashley flips through my mind, and I feel like an idiot. How could I have been so stupid? Of course she never wanted to be my friend. Now that I know the truth, the signs are obvious. All the snide remarks and put downs. How she seemed to only want to hang out with me when it benefited her – like when there was a baseball party, or she needed a scapegoat. She’s right. I am an easy target.
The few tears have now turned into a freakin’ shower. People look up at me curiously as I hurry past. I lower my head and walk faster. I’m almost to the girls’ bathroom when I hear Christian calling out my name.
I whirl around. He steps forward, wrapping me tightly in his embrace.
“Hey.” He strokes my hair. “What happened in there?”
“It was all a lie,” I choke out, pressing my cheek into Christian’s chest. His shirt smells like laundry detergent and soap. It smells like him, and it comforts me.
“What was?”
“Our friendship. Ashley and mine. She was using me to get to Cal.” I peer up at him. When he looks down at me, I pray that I won’t read pity in his eyes. I don’t know if I can handle that right now. I know I was stupid, but I don’t want him to think I am.
“Too bad she’s not a guy,” he says shaking his head.
“What?” It’s not at all the reaction I was expecting.
“You know I can’t hit a girl.” He smiles, brushing a stray lock of hair from my face. His calloused finger feels good against my cheek.
A small giggle escapes through my lips. “Is violence your answer for everything?”
“Not everything.” He steals a kiss on my lips. It’s swift. Just a peck. But it makes my heart pick up speed. And it makes me believe that everything will be okay.
“Well, I don’t need you to beat up Ashley.”
“What about Josh? I can still beat him up, right?”
I laugh. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”
“A little bit.” He grins.
“Okay, you got me. I’d like it a lot.”
It’s amazing how calm and happy he’s made me when I was so upset a couple of minutes ago. I rest my head against his chest, his heartbeat thumping under my cheek, and I sigh contentedly. “Thank you.”
“I’m always here for you, Emmy,” he says. “I always have been.” He tucks his finger under my chin, lifting my head. “Do you remember in middle school when that punk, Jace, was picking on you?”
“Yeah.” I nod. “The one that Cal gave the black eye to.” I smile at the memory. “He never bothered me again after that.”
“It wasn’t Cal.”
“What?”
“I’m the one who hit him.”
My heart stutters in my chest. “Why did you guys say it was Cal?”
“I’d already been in trouble for fighting, so Cal took the fall for it.”
“You’ve always protected me, haven’t you?”
He nods. “And I always will.”
CHRISTIAN
I’m late for practice.
I wanted to check on Emmy after school. She’s still pretty upset, which makes me more than upset. My blood boils as I put on my catcher’s gear. I’m so angry my hands shake, my whole body tensing. Seeing Emmy sad tears me apart, and there’s no way I’m letting anyone hurt her again. They’ll have to go through me first. I meant what I said. I’ll never physically hurt a girl, but Ashley is sorely mistaken if she thinks I’ll ever let her near Emmy again. Besides, she doesn’t deserve her. Not that I ever thought she did. I can still remember how confused I was when they first started hanging out. Even then I didn’t trust Ashley, and I was surprised that Emmy did.
Coach Hopkins hollers in my direction, and I hurriedly grab my catcher’s mask. Most of the team is already out on the field. I jog toward them when I’m jabbed from behind. Swinging around, Josh jogs behind me.
“I saw you with Emmy just now,” he says.
“So?”