“Why am I so upset? You lied to me, Jax.”
He raked a hand through his hair, his expression pained. “I didn’t lie. I just didn’t tell you.”
“That’s the same thing.” She shook her head, trying to comprehend what had just happened through the hurt clogging her mind. “You didn’t trust me enough to tell me.”
He reached for her, but she shrugged away. “Kassie, it’s not that I didn’t trust you.”
“Of course it is. You thought I’d be just like your ex, someone who wanted you for your money instead of for yourself.” She thought of their first dinner together, when he’d jumped to conclusions about what she’d been saying. She should have recognized it then, known that behind his apparent insecurity there was a motive. He’d told her about his ex himself, about how she hadn’t been satisfied with him. All red flags.
“I didn’t want to tell you at first,” he conceded. “I wanted to see what it felt like for someone to want me for just me, and not for any other reason. And then, before I knew it, I was falling for you and the timing never seemed right. I didn’t want to ruin what we had by coming clean.”
“Too bad,” she said sadly. “Because you ruined it anyway. All this time, I thought I was the one who wasn’t ready.”
“I was ready, damn it.”
“No.” She realized it now as she looked at him, the handsome stranger who had changed her life and ultimately become such a huge part of it. “You weren’t ready.”
“Don’t do this.”
But she couldn’t not. “Full disclosure, remember?” She repeated the words he’d said to her that day on the boat. It’s better that way for everyone. That way, no surprises. Except there had been a surprise. His. “It goes both ways, Jax.”
“It did. Please, Kassie. Don’t walk out on me like this.”
She pressed her lips together as tears stung her eyes. She didn’t want to walk out on him, to put an end to everything between them. But how could she trust him after this? Her mind was a confused, hysterical jumble. She had to walk away from him before she embarrassed herself by breaking down.
“I’m going to go home now. I need some time to think,” she said at last.
“To think about what? This is all a misunderstanding,” Jax argued. “Don’t make it into something bigger than it is.”
She shook her head. “Don’t you get it? This isn’t just about you keeping something from me. On its own, I agree that it’s not that big of a deal. It’s why you did it that matters so much. You didn’t trust me.”
“Damn it, that’s not true.” His jaw clenched again, then unclenched as he seemed to struggle to find his words. This wasn’t the Jax she’d come to know, a man who was filled with charm and sexy grins. She’d shaken him, she could tell. “You know what I think? I think you’re just looking for excuses to run. You did it once, and I was a fool to think you wouldn’t do it again.”
His words stung. They hit her directly in her heart. She hadn’t expected him to go for the jugular. Now the tears were real, and she couldn’t stop their flow. She swiped at them, irritated with herself for showing so much weakness. “If that’s what you’ve been thinking of me all along, maybe it’s best that we just leave things as they are.”
“What are you saying?” His eyes cut into her as he tried to read her the way he so often did.
She stared back at him in the dying light of day through vision gone blurry. “I’m saying that maybe this should be goodbye. I’m leaving now before either of us says anything we’ll regret.”
“Jesus. You can’t mean this, Kassie.”
“I do.” She turned away from him, blindly heading for her car. He didn’t bother to follow her.
Chapter Nine
“It’s been too many days,” Jax told Slade as they were pulling wrenches on one of Slade’s project cars. Three days, to be exact. Three days of absolute misery and complete silence from Kassie.
His brother paused, the fluorescent lights of his enormous workshop flickering overhead. He had black shit all over his face, but Jax wasn’t going to tell him. He grimaced as if he were in pain. “Don’t tell me we’re already back to this.”
So Slade had a point. Yeah, even he suspected he was beginning to sound dangerously close to a whiny teenage girl, worrying over how much time had lapsed between Kassie discovering he’d been keeping the fact that he owned J.T. Contractors to himself and now. “I can’t help it. Everything seemed to be going so damn well, and now…”
He allowed his words to trail off, the same thought he’d had since that night replaying itself in his mind.
He’d made Kassie cry.
What an asshole he was.
“And now?” Slade prompted, sounding thin on patience.
And now he was miserable. How had that day gone from perfect to straight into the crapper? He’d brought it on himself, he knew, by not coming clean back when he could have, but he was conflicted too. Part of him was angry with himself for keeping the truth from Kassie. The other part of him was angry with her for overreacting.
Had she broken up with him?
It had sure as hell sounded that way, and her silence said more than words ever could.
“She’s giving me the silent treatment,” he said, raking a hand through his hair.
“You have grease all over your hair now,” Slade pointed out agreeably.
“Fuck.” He’d forgotten. He’d thought that swinging by Slade’s place on his way home from work would help him to kill time. Help him to forget just how lonely he was without Kassie, how on edge. He hated that he’d hurt her. Hated the idea that he’d spoiled the rare bond they’d shared even more. “You’re enjoying my misery just a little too much, brother.”
Slade grinned. “Hey, I’m just smiling through your pain.”
“Good to know I can count on you.” Jax belatedly grabbed a rag and wiped his hands.
“Call her,” his brother suggested, his tone growing serious. “Why wait? You really care about her, right?”
“Hell yes.” Jax threw the rag back onto the concrete floor. “But I’ve been trying to give her some space. I know I was a jerk for not telling her the truth right from the start.”
“Look, in my opinion, not telling her wasn’t the problem.” Slade leaned against the jacked-up Dodge. “The reason for not telling her is.”
Jax had been down that road in his mind a million times too. He knew that Slade was headed in the right direction. Kassie had accused him of having too much baggage of his own, of not being ready to move on. And maybe she hadn’t been far off the mark on that one. Lord knew that Mandy had done a number on him.
“Honestly, at first I didn’t correct her assumption because I didn’t know her that well,” Jax said, trying to figure out why he hadn’t come clean and avoided the fallout much sooner. “Then, the timing seemed off. I was afraid she’d get upset, which she did.”
Getting upset was rather an understatement, in hindsight. She’d been furious with him, hurt too. And he’d reacted like a complete dick, hurling her past back in her face. Given his colossal lack of tact, it was amazing she hadn’t hauled off and slugged him. He wouldn’t have blamed her.
“Bullshit,” Slade said, cutting into the endless reliving of his and Kassie’s tense exchange. “You didn’t tell her from the start because you were testing her. You didn’t want another Mandy on your hands. Can’t say that I blame you, but let’s call a spade a spade here.”
Jax didn’t exactly like having his head dissected by his younger brother. Jesus, wasn’t he supposed to be the sage one, offering advice to his wayward sibling? At thirty-three, Jax was a good four years older than Slade. He should have known better, and it rankled that he hadn’t. He couldn’t resist getting a jibe in at his brother, who had a habit of being way too perceptive and far too calm and collected when it came to his love life. Cars were another story. But women? Slade didn’t have women problems. Or if he did, he had the sense God gave a chicken and kept them to himself, u
nlike Jax.
“Who died and made you Dr. Phil?” he growled.
“Nobody, I hope.” Slade laughed. “For one thing, I have a lot more hair than he does. And for another, I’m a hell of a lot better looking.”
Jax found himself smiling despite his irritation and the ever-growing knot of worry churning in his gut. He was glad he’d stopped by Slade’s place and not Connor’s. Nothing like an I-told-you-so to piss a man off more than he already was. “Not full of yourself at all, are you?”
“Only because I can be.” Slade pointed his wrench at him. “If you ask me, you’ve got to talk to her, Jax. But you also have to take a good long look in the mirror.”
He exhaled slowly. Damn it. He hated when any of his brothers were right. “Looks like I might need that beer you offered me after all, little brother.”
“You got it,” Slade said easily. “Just as long as you stop calling me little.”
* * * * *
Kassie hit the Ignore button on the screen of her cell with a twinge of conscience and slid it back into the phone pocket on the back of her purse. Around her, the familiar din of New York carried on. Horns honked. People rushed by on foot, not stopping to notice the elaborate Christmas displays in the department store windows. Yellow cabs blurred in her peripheral line of vision. The scent of street vendor food wafted to her.
“Stop it.”
She looked to her right at Elle, who was statuesque as ever as they walked down a busy sidewalk, her icy-blonde hair worn in loose curls around her shoulders. Even on a dressed-down day, Elle could easily be mistaken for a model. Kassie couldn’t deny that she didn’t envy her ability to seemingly never gain an ounce. Genetics, Elle always said with a shrug. Bitch, Kassie always replied.
On a whim, she’d decided to come to the city to visit her best friend. After her meltdown with Jax, she’d been in desperate need of some time away to process everything that had happened, not to mention for the chance to clear her head. And if she were honest, she’d missed New York. She’d spent a decade of her life there, and being back on its pavement, crashing at Elle’s apartment and eating at all her favorite little holes in the wall had done her some good.
But not enough.
“You look like someone just ran over your cat,” Elle elaborated. “Cut it out. How many times has he called you, anyway? You can’t keep ignoring him forever.”
Six. Not that she was counting. But of course she was, always afraid each time she ignored his call that it might be the last attempt he’d make. That he might just say fuck it and stop trying. That she’d never see him again. She wasn’t sure which part hurt the most, what Jax had done or her decision to cut him out of her life, at least for the time being.
She snapped out of her thoughts, realizing that she’d been firmly mired in them for way too long. “I don’t have a cat anymore, remember?”
“I saw Gypsy the other day,” Elle surprised her by revealing as she took a sip from her cup of coffee. “She’s doing just fine.”
“You stopped by Adam’s?”
“Yeah.” Elle’s expression turned uncomfortable. “He called me because he found some of your books in his closet. Obviously, contacting you wasn’t in the cards. I hope you’re not mad.”
“No.” Kassie shook her head. Although the thought of her best friend spending time with her ex-fiancé was undeniably weird, she had no claims on Adam. But she did miss her cat. “How was she? Gypsy, I mean.”
“Fat and happy as ever.” Elle smiled. “I gave her a good belly rub for you.”
“Thanks.” Sadness hit her then. “I should’ve taken her with me.”
Elle took another sip of her coffee. “So why didn’t you?”
“Gypsy always liked Adam way better than she liked me.” Kassie shrugged. “Besides, it seemed like the fair thing to do. I’d already hit him with a lot. How’s he doing, anyway?”
Although she’d pretty much grown up with Adam, they’d also grown apart. It had taken her too long to realize that truth. She should have left him a long time before she actually had. But it didn’t mean that she didn’t still care. She didn’t want him to be hurting.
“Having regrets?” Elle asked. “Kass, why don’t you just come back here? You left a lot of good things behind.”
“I like my new life,” she said, meaning it. She hadn’t been certain when she’d first decided to pull the plug and take a trip back to the city. She’d been a wreck, her emotions in turmoil, the lure of the job she’d always wanted and the life she’d known so well calling to her. An easy out. But it had only taken her a day to realize that this wasn’t where she belonged. Sure, she’d had more than her fair share of ups and downs, but she’d embraced the change.
Her bestie raised a brow at her. “So why are you here?”
“Visiting you.” Kassie frowned at her. “Taking some space.”
“Avoiding your problems,” Elle countered. “Don’t get me wrong. I love you like the sister I never had, but you’ve definitely got a pattern going.”
Kassie’s hand tightened on the coffee cup she’d forgotten she was even holding. “I do not.”
“You so do.” Elle rolled her eyes. “Remember when you worked at Glendale Publishing and your boss kept trying to get you into his bed? Instead of reporting him to HR, you switched to another publishing house. And when you first realized you didn’t want to marry Adam, you left him a note. Then you packed up and moved to another state.”
Okay, so when she put it that way, Elle did have a point. A really big, really truthful point. She did tend to run when things went south. Sometimes several hundred miles. Kassie didn’t know why she’d never realized it herself before now.
“Maybe I have a habit of avoiding situations that make me uncomfortable,” she agreed. “But that’s not what I’m doing with Jax.” It wasn’t. Was it?
Elle gave her an arch look. “What do you call driving to Philly and then taking the train here in the middle of the week?”
Damn it. The woman was like a dog guarding her favorite bone. “Having a car that’s too shitty to make it all the way to New York?” she tried, opting for humor.
“Really? Because I call it running from the guy you’re in love with just because he made a bonehead move.”
“Ouch.” Kassie winced. “Don’t bother to sugarcoat it for my feelings or anything.”
Elle poked her in the arm. “You know I’m a firm believer in telling it like it is. And as much as I would love for my best friend to ditch Podunk and get her butt back here with me, I don’t think your heart would be in it. It’s about time you stopped running and faced exactly whatever it is that you’re afraid of.”
“I’m not afraid of anything,” she denied instantly.
Elle’s brows shot up this time. “Oh really?”
“Yes, really.” But she couldn’t help secretly wondering if Elle was right. After spending her early childhood with two parents locked in an unhappy marriage, the last thing in the world she’d ever wanted to face was more conflict. Ever. She’d hidden with her teddy bears and held her fingers in her ears to block out the sounds of a screaming match more times than she could count.
As an adult, she’d never liked facing situations that made her feel as if things were about to get ugly. And with Jax, well, what he’d done had felt like a huge betrayal. At first she’d been angry. Then too afraid to face the inevitable fighting. Too afraid of taking a deeper look at the easy happiness she’d found with him and maybe discovering that none of it was real after all. If she avoided him, she could just skate away from it all the same way she had with Adam.
Painless.
Except, being away from Jax wasn’t painless. It hurt. A lot. It felt as if someone had ripped a big old wound right in her chest. She missed him. She missed his voice, his dimples, his sexy half-drawl. She missed his ridiculously alpha vehicles, his teasing, his knowing hands and wicked mouth. She even missed his brothers. Well, maybe not Connor. But Slade loved her cooking, so he would always
be a winner in her book.
“Kassie?” Elle’s concerned voice broke through her swirling thoughts. “You okay?”
“Yeah.” She blinked, her friend’s face coming back into focus. “I think so.”
“Oh, hon. This guy’s the one, isn’t he?”
Kassie tried to form a response, really she did, but for some reason, the insane urge to cry hit her in that moment. Which was ridiculous, because she was in the middle of New York, people surging all around her, taxis weaving in and out of traffic. She’d never cried in public in her life.
A big, fat tear rolled down her cheek, and it wasn’t too long before it was joined by another. And another. Elle gave her an impulsive hug. Impressive, since Elle didn’t do hugs, hadn’t once in all the years Kassie had known her, not even when Kassie had left town for good. Kassie hugged her back, sniffling into the gilded cloud of her bestie’s hair. Which, in typical Elle fashion, smelled wonderful.
“You have to go back to him, Kass,” Elle told her as a few passersby jostled them. “Work things out. You owe it to yourself.”
“I know.” Kassie gathered her composure. “Your hair smells awesome, by the way.”
Elle laughed. “Damn right it does. But flattery will get you nowhere. I’m loading you on a southbound train tonight whether you like it or not.”
* * * * *
Kassie had been traveling for hours, but it didn’t stop her from pushing her beater as fast as it would go straight to Jax’s house. She’d had a lot of time to alternately talk herself into and out of appearing on his doorstep. On the train to Philly, she’d been convinced he wouldn’t answer, that he’d treat her to the same silence she’d given him over the last few days. By the time she’d grabbed her pathetic excuse for a car and fired it up, she’d been shivering and wondering what she’d do if she showed up at his house to find—even worse—that another woman was already there, warming his bed. On I-95 heading through Wilmington, she’d realized that wasn’t too likely, simply a case of her nerves, and the heat in her car had finally started to warm up.
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