by Jordan Ford
Jed lets out a sigh, then gives me a sad smile that makes me want to cry. I’ve never told him the details of my freshman heartbreak, but he knows I dated a senior who I was completely in love with and when it ended, I didn’t just lose him, but I lost my fam as well. They let me into their group while I was dating one of them, but as soon as it was over, my status became: outcast.
I sniff and look away from Jed.
I’m done talking.
I can’t believe I didn’t vehemently deny that I am starting to have feelings for Aidan.
I don’t want to have feelings. I want to be numb when it comes to the guy.
Clenching my jaw, I keep my eyes straight ahead, grateful that Jed’s not saying anything. After a few moments of silence, he starts tapping his phone and music soon lights the air between us.
That’s Jed’s solution to most things.
Music.
It’s part of who he is. If he’s not listening to it, he’s beatboxing or singing something. The guy’s a walking instrument. And his cure to almost every problem is a good song.
“Rise” by Jonas Blue, Jack & Jack starts playing from his phone and I do the only thing I can. I rest my head against Jed’s shoulder and let the music cover me. I guess it’s the next best thing to water.
23
Indecision on the White Tile
AIDAN
I can’t stop stewing over my stupid argument with Harley.
Even a day of playing video games hasn’t helped me switch off.
Man, she was pissed.
I don’t even know what to do with that. I should be used to it. I’ve faced off with Skylar plenty of times, but she’s my cousin. It’s different.
I don’t want to unpack how it’s different when I’m trying to get ready for Skylar’s beach party. The party where I’m supposed to be resealing the deal with Savannah.
Conjuring images of my beautiful ex is usually the easiest thing in the world, but tonight thoughts of Harley keep getting in the way. I hate that she’s mad at me. I hate that I couldn’t fix it, right there on the beach yesterday afternoon.
Why didn’t I apologize for Skylar’s behavior? I could have made it right, but instead I got all salty because she was making me feel bad. I shouldn’t have to take a summer job I don’t need. And I don’t mope around feeling sorry for myself. My life isn’t always easy!
The look on Harley’s face when she told me about her mom and question-mark father over our Mexi-dinner sears my mind.
Shit, my life is sweet. I close my eyes and shake my head.
Maybe she did have the right to yell at me like that. Maybe I should be taking a summer job. I can’t expect my parents to keep paying for everything in my life, can I?
Working four hours a week at the rec center must seem so lame, and a token gesture to someone like Harley. Who knows how many hours she has to work a week to earn the same money as me?
Opening my eyes, I take a good look in the mirror, studying the angles of my freshly shaved face, the shine of gel in my styled hair.
Shit, I am a pretty rich boy.
With an irritated huff, I rest my hands on the bathroom counter.
I’ve had hours to obsess about this, and no matter how hard I try, I keep coming back to the same conclusion. I’m actually glad I said yes to those surf lessons. I don’t want them to end. Not really.
Hanging out with Harley is fun. Surfing is liberating.
But how do I make it right?
Snatching my phone off the bathroom counter, I pull up Harley’s number and stare at it, trying to figure out what to text. She was pretty riled. There’s a chance she’ll take one look at my name and delete it without even reading it.
I put the phone back down and gaze into the mirror. When my mom’s on the warpath, the best thing to do is give her some time to cool off. It takes her about twenty-four hours to really simmer down, but Harley’s had that now.
I pick my phone back up again but am interrupted by a knock on my door.
“Aidan!” Mom calls through the wood. “Simon and Jonah are here.”
“Okay.” I shove the phone in my back pocket and take one final glance in the mirror. I’ve picked Savannah’s favorite shirt and am even wearing the cologne she bought me for Christmas.
“Are you walking down tonight?” Mom asks as I walk out of my bathroom.
I nod. “Yeah, probably. It’s too close to drive.”
“Okay. Well, take it easy on the stairs.”
“Mom.” I give her a pained look.
She holds her hands up. “Well, I’m sorry, but they’re steep and dangerous. Don’t tell me your friends won’t be drinking. I know what they’re like.”
“I’ll look after them.” I give her a reassuring pat on the shoulder.
“Don’t drink too much,” she warns me.
I give her a calm, “please shut up” smile, and she gives me a pointed look. “I’m your mother, I’m allowed to fuss and worry. Now be grateful I even let you go to these things.”
With a short laugh, I bend down and kiss her cheek. “Catch you later, Mom.”
“Home by midnight, please.”
“You got it.” I start to walk out the door.
“Same for Skylar,” she says to my back. “Her parents are away tonight. They get back first thing tomorrow morning and expect her to be in bed, asleep. Alone.”
I glance over my shoulder. “I’ll do my best, but you know what she’s like.”
“Just call Dad if you need backup.”
“Got it.” I walk out the door before she can give me any more instructions.
Simon and Jonah are waiting in the family room, watching Grayson annihilate his opponents in Fortnite.
Jonah whoops, then yells, “On your left!”
I grab his jacket and start tugging him towards the door. “Come on.”
We’ll be here all night if we have to wait for Jonah.
Simon laughs and helps me get the guy outside. As soon as we hit the night air, Jonah’s back with us again and going on about how thirsty he is, and how many girls he’s going to hook up with at the party.
Simon and I don’t say anything. We just share a look behind his back and try not to laugh out loud. Jonah’s mouth has always been bigger than his number of conquests.
Negotiating the stairs in the dark is a fun challenge. There are lights spread down the path and steps, but they’re not exactly high beam.
I hear the party before I see it. Music is blasting from a speaker, a thick bass that’s pulsing through the air like a heartbeat. It must be ear-splitting down there.
Simon leans over the railing. “It’s lit, man. There are so many people.”
I lean over for a quick glimpse, my eyes rounding at the swollen crowd. Skylar’s really gone all out with this one. A few trucks have driven onto the hard-packed sand and are lighting up the bonfire and “dance floor.”
“Bring it on.” Jonah starts racing down the cliff-side steps and we hustle after him.
As soon as his feet hit the sand, he disappears around the rocks and starts looking for some arm candy. If he could have it his way, they’d be draping off him like candy canes on a Christmas tree.
Simon and I move around the boulder-like rocks at the base of the cliff and find a spot on the perimeter of the party. “No Drama” is pumping from the speakers, and I move my head to the beat.
As I gaze around the pulsating crowd, all I can think of is the swarm of bugs we unearthed in the garage a couple months ago when Dad made me help him tidy up. We lifted an old carpet square and the insects were going off.
I can’t help a snicker. Skylar would kill me if she knew I was comparing her carefully planned beach soirée to squirming insects.
“You ready?” Simon slaps my shoulder and propels me forward.
We enter the fray and I look around, trying to find Savannah.
“I’ll get us some drinks.” Simon takes off to go find liquor while I move around the edges of the party.
Wyatt is here. Of course. He’s perched on the end of a log, nursing a red Solo cup and scowling at the fire.
I wonder if Sky’s delivered on her seven minutes yet. Maybe that’s why he looks so pissed.
Turning away from him, I look above heads and try to find Savannah.
Simon and I always come late to these things, because being in the early crew can be awkward. But maybe we’ve left it a little too late tonight. Finding Savvy in this crowd is gonna be hard.
I could always text her. I go to reach for my phone, but I’m distracted by my cousin. She’s in the middle of the crowd, dancing up close and personal with a guy I don’t even recognize.
I frown and move closer to the fire, my eyes popping wide as the guy leans down and shoves his tongue in Skylar’s mouth. She doesn’t seem to mind, matching his slobber tongue-for-tongue. His large hand envelops her ass cheek, and she lifts her leg to accommodate him.
What the…?
I spot Craig standing a few feet away from me. He’s staring at the way his girlfriend is making out with someone else and doesn’t seem that bothered. Hustling over to him, I stand shoulder-to-shoulder and watch the display.
“Have you guys broken up or something?”
Craig glances at me, then shakes his head. “No.”
“Then why aren’t you putting an end to that?” I point through the flames, trying to figure out if I know the guy who’s mauling my cousin. Have I seen him before?
He’s tall and tanned, with a crew cut that makes him look like a badass. He’s wearing nothing but a pair of board shorts, and his muscles are on full display for all the girls to swoon over. Maybe that’s why Sky’s going for it. She always has to have the best.
“She’s drunk off her ass.” Craig lets out a harsh laugh. “But hey, she’s sucking his face tonight, and she’ll be sucking my dick tomorrow.”
I growl and punch Craig’s arm. “Dude, that’s my cousin.”
He just laughs at me and shoves me away from him. I can smell the alcohol on his breath as well. His eyes have that glassy, inept sheen about them. “Hey, man, she’s my girl.” Shit, his words are already slurring. “Tomorrow she’ll wake up hungover and feeling guilty for cheating on me. I’ll play nice, forgive her, and then get me some hot makeup sex. It’ll be a sure thing.”
I’ve never wanted to pummel a guy more. I lurch away from Craig, ready to go and break Skylar and Mr. Hands apart, but he grabs my shirt and yanks me back. “Don’t, man. You’ll get your ass whupped. Look at the size of that guy.”
“She needs protecting,” I growl, shaking him off me.
Craig’s lips rise into a slow crocodile grin. “I won’t let it go too far, swear. I’ll keep an eye on her.” He takes another slug from his Solo cup and I wonder how Craig will protect her when he’s paralytic drunk.
With a harsh scoff, I move around the fire, looking for Simon. Maybe he can help me break up the firestorm Skylar’s creating. I hate the way she uses her body to pay people off.
Earning Craig’s forgiveness with a blowjob?
It makes me sick!
She needs to break up with that asshole and pull herself together.
I’m halfway around the fire and still haven’t found Simon. Glancing back to the “dance floor,” I notice that Skylar is now gone as well.
“Shit,” I mutter, wondering if she’s taken Mr. Hands into the shadows for a little more. I sure as shit hope that Craig steps up and stops that from happening.
I’m about to head across that space and start checking it out when I spot Savannah. She’s sitting on a rock by the water, hugging her knees to her chest and looking lost and alone.
My heart stretches out for her before I can stop myself, and I head in her direction.
That look on her face always undoes me. She’s got to be one of the sweetest people I know, and when she gets sad like this, it kind of kills me.
I wonder if she’s thinking about her mom, who died a few years back. Or maybe she’s wishing that Skylar hadn’t ditched her to go and play shit-stirrer with the crew cut.
Whatever’s going through her head, I want to make it better. I want to see those dimples when she smiles. It used to be my mission in life, to make those dimples appear. My insides warm as I picture different days together—holding her hand, lifting her onto my shoulder and spinning her around in the sand.
It’s a beautiful image, until a blonde chick surfs straight through the middle of it. I force the thought aside and keeping moving.
Savannah doesn’t notice me coming until I’m right beside her.
“Hey.” I smile down at her, finding an awkward perch on the rock. “You all right?”
She sniffs and slashes her cheek. Shit, she’s been crying. I’m gonna be having words with Skylar. How could she just ditch Savvy like this? The girl is her constant wingman whenever Skylar needs her, but when Skylar’s got better things to do, Savvy just gets left out in the cold.
“I’m sorry about Sky,” I murmur.
“That’s okay. It’s not about…” She shakes her head and looks away from me. “I’m just kind of hating this place tonight. I don’t… I’m just not…feeling it.” She gives me a sad smile, unaware how much her words burn me.
She wasn’t feeling it with me either and I was left out in the cold. I know the breakup was Skylar’s idea, but Savannah went through with it. And Sky wouldn’t have even suggested it if Savannah hadn’t been bored with me… us.
I clench my jaw and remind myself that Savannah wants me back. That’s what Skylar said anyway, and I don’t think she’d lie about that. Skylar may be thoughtless sometimes, but she does actually care about her best friend. Plus, she’d never miss the opportunity to play relationship fairy.
“I don’t suppose you’d mind walking me home, would you?” Savannah’s quiet voice draws my eyes back to her pretty face.
“Sure.” I nod and stand tall. It’s tempting to hold out my hand for her to take, but I shove it in my pocket instead.
While Savannah grabs her handbag, I glance over my shoulder, scanning the area for Skylar. She’s still not around. I’ll swing past once Savvy’s home to make sure she’s okay.
“You ready?” Savannah asks.
I nod and move in next to her. Hopefully Simon won’t spend too long looking for me.
Pulling out my phone, I give him a quick heads-up.
Me: Walking Sav home. Be back later.
Simon: My heart.
Me: Shut up.
In my head, I can hear Simon laughing as he no doubt tucks his phone away and drinks both cups of beer by himself.
We walk in silence for a few minutes, and I follow Savannah when she veers away from the stairs and obviously wants to take the long way home.
Hiking up the hill can be a real bitch, but at the pace we’re ambling, we probably won’t even run out of breath.
“This is weird,” Savannah finally murmurs. “We’ve been walking for like fifteen minutes and haven’t said a word to each other.”
I give her a smile, surprised that I hadn’t noticed it.
But she’s right.
It is weird.
We’ve got so much history together. Why aren’t we talking the way Harley and I were the other night? The conversation was easy and smooth…nonstop.
“So, Skylar tells me you’re learning to surf.”
“Yeah.” I bob my head. “It’s pretty cool.”
“She said you did it for me.” Savannah looks up and I catch a glimpse of her pretty face as we pass beneath the streetlamp.
“Uh…” I let out a soft chuckle, confused by why I’m not taking this shot and telling her exactly how I feel.
Maybe it’s because I don’t know.
Is Savannah the only reason I said yes to those lessons? Or was it something more?
Am I really looking for something to ignite me?
Harley’s words bounce around my rib cage. I run a hand through my hair, completely forgetting about the hair gel and
no doubt screwing up my look.
Savannah giggles and reaches up to pat down the wild locks. “You smell nice.”
“Thanks.” I clear my throat. Shit, this feels like a first date.
“So, um…” A deep dimple appears on Savvy’s left cheek as her lips quirk up at the edge. “Did you…do it for me? The surfing?”
“Yeah. Uh…maybe?” I shrug. “You breaking up with me was kind of a shock. I needed a distraction, but then maybe I thought you’d like me again if I could prove myself. Somehow make myself cool enough.”
She cringes. “I’m sorry I did that to you. I never meant to hurt you, I just…”
I swallow and look up the hill. We’re nearly at her street, and for some weird reason I don’t want to talk about this.
I don’t know what I want, but I didn’t think getting deep with Savannah would feel this awkward. I obviously haven’t thought this through—what a broken relationship reunited would feel like. Savannah’s been my first and only serious girlfriend. I thought she was it. Until she wasn’t.
Her hand brushes against mine, and I’m suddenly aware of how tall she feels compared to Harley.
Savannah’s head reaches up to my nose, and I’m very aware of her beside me. Her long locks with a slight curl at the ends. Her sweet lavender scent from the moisturizer she religiously slathers on. She cares a lot about the way she looks. She probably spent an hour getting ready for the party tonight, and even though she’s in ripped jeans and a black tank top, there’s no way she would have just thrown them on. She probably picked out a couple of outfits to choose from.
I used to love that about her, but now all I can think of is Harley and how it took her less than five minutes to run into her house, throw on some dry clothes and be back in my car ready for dinner.
We turn left onto Savannah’s street. Our conversation has dried up, and it’s impossible to ignore how awkward this is. Savannah’s no doubt waiting for me to tell her that I miss her.