Again, she disappeared into the darkness, leaving Chad alone with his thoughts. He could see her in his mind’s eye, pulling her sweater tightly around her as she hid in the shed wondering how she would get out of having to hang out with him, desperately trying to evade him now. Thankfully, the darkness shielded him as he rolled his eyes, feeling foolish at his paranoia. He tucked his lighter back in his pocket and stared into the flames as he attempted to calm his overanxious mind.
“Here.” Katie’s voice sounded from behind him, and he turned to accept the canvas chair from her. He set it up silently, but was relieved when Katie set hers up beside his. Well, she’s not trying to keep her distance from me, anyway. At this rate, he was going to drive himself insane before he ever got the words out of his mouth that he planned to say.
“Why are you so jumpy?” Katie asked.
Chad lowered himself into the chair and looked up, meeting her stare. “Why are you?”
“I’m not.”
“Me neither.”
They stared at each other, challenging the other one to explain first. A tense silence buzzed between them and, as though in sync, they both averted their eyes toward the dancing flames at the same time.
“Why don’t you want to be here, Katie?” The question formed on Chad’s lips before he could stop it. He expected her to ask what he meant or, more likely, deny it and avoid the question altogether. Instead, she spoke in a quiet voice, so hushed that it almost sounded haunted when combined with the snaps and crackles of the fire.
“I never wanted to farm.” Katie’s eyes never left the fire. “This was my dad’s place, and he adored it. I grew up here, but things were different then. I left and went to college, got my degree in registered nursing, and got a full time position in the cancer center a few hours away in Toronto. I loved what I did, and I was damn good at it.”
“I could picture you as a nurse,” Chad said with an encouraging smile. He didn’t want to say too much, lest she decide to stop explaining.
“Dad became sick last year, terminal brain cancer. Inoperable. He had no one else, but he adored this place, so was adamant that he not spend his last days anywhere else. He adored it here, but I adored him.” A sad smile crossed her face, and Chad’s hand twitched, fighting the urge to reach out and hold hers.
“I left my job in Toronto and tried desperately to find a balance between caring for my dad and being there for Mason and Jay, I did. Mason came here with me in the beginning when he could, but after a while I didn’t want him to remember his grandfather that way, you know? I don’t think my dad did, either, but he would never turn Mason away, no matter how much he was hurting or how close to the end he was. After a while, Jay didn’t want Mason subjected to the nastiness of terminal illness, but he wouldn’t stay home to be with Mason either while I was here. Jay continued to fly in and out of our lives for work, just as he always did, and Mason ended up being pulled from school temporarily to be with me here so I could spend time with them both.”
Chad had turned his gaze from the fire to Katie. “You did the best you could do, Katie.”
Her expression didn’t change. “It didn’t matter to him that the farm was too far out of the city to have a home healthcare nurse visit daily. Who else was going to administer his medications and input his IVs? Who else was going to help him die with a little dignity?”
Katie’s sudden bitterness sounded sharp to his ears, and he flinched at the anger that exuded from her. “Who didn’t it matter to?”
She turned to face him. “Jay.”
“Jay gave you a hard time about being there for your dying father.” It wasn’t a question, and the words tasted foul on his tongue. Reflexively, Chad clenched his fist, balling up his rising anger within it.
“I kept Mason out of his grandfather’s bedroom toward the end. I might have been naïve to believe that I could juggle caring for both of them, but I wasn’t ignorant to the effects that seeing a loved one so frail and on their deathbed could have on a young boy. My dad wasn’t even lucid by that time, anyway. All I did for weeks was go in and out of that bedroom, giving medications, changing bedding, monitoring his vital signs, and talking to him, even though I’m not sure he heard much of anything I said.”
“He knew you loved him, and that’s what matters.” Chad caught her glimpse in his direction. It was just a flash, a brief flicker of emotion that could have been explained away as being a trick of the firelight, but Chad knew what he had seen. Weakness. She’s human, after all, he thought, relief washing through him. Almost immediately, though, he wanted to take it back. The single tear that trickled down Katie’s cheek broke his heart, and a windfall of emotion overtook him as well. He didn’t shed a tear or even blink back any from his own eyes. Instead, he leaned sideways slightly in his chair and wrapped his fingers around her hand, squeezing it reassuringly. To his surprise, Katie didn’t pull away.
“He knew,” Katie nodded, “But he died, anyway. And part of me died with him.”
“That’s not true, Katie. You’re still you; you’re just grieving.” Chad was struggling to stay still, feeling as though he needed to do something more, say something more, to make her see that she wasn’t less than whole because of her ordeal. She was stronger than she would ever give herself credit for.
“That’s not what Jay said.”
“Jay doesn’t know a damn thing.” Chad spat out the words venomously, and Katie turned to him abruptly, searching his face for... what? Answers? He wasn’t sure.
“He left a few weeks after the funeral. Just like that. He sat me down, said I wasn’t the same woman anymore that I had been, that I’d let the old me, the real me, be buried away just as deep as my father was now. He just couldn’t go through with the marriage.”
“That all sounds like a sad excuse for a copout to me. You deserve better, Katie. You have to know that.” Chad was swallowing hard now, unsure which feeling was stronger—the anger that he could barely contain toward Jay, or the devastation he felt for Katie, that she could actually believe the lies and assumptions that spewed from her ex’s mouth.
“I’m not sure what I deserve anymore, that’s the problem.”
In one fluid motion, Chad was up out of his chair and kneeling down beside Katie’s, her hand grasped firmly between both of his. His eyes locked with hers, and he watched as the flames flickered back at him from within her eyes. “Don’t you ever think for one second that you’ve done anything wrong, Katie. Caring for your dying father; that’s honorable. Doing it while caring for your young son; that’s incredible. But, doing all of that without the support of anyone else? Katie, you’ve got no idea just how amazing and strong you really are, do you?” He didn’t expect her to answer the question, but he posed it anyway. “I’ve sat by and watched you take everything that’s been thrown at you, without questioning it and without complaining. By the sounds of it, you’ve handled more than most people ever could, and still you can’t seem to view yourself as the hero you are. To your son. To me.”
Katie stood swiftly, knocking her chair back in her haste. She bit her bottom lip tightly, and Chad could see her eyes darting as though in search of some kind of escape route. She pulled away from his grasp, hugging her arms around her tightly.
“Katie...” Chad tried to soothe her. Instead, Katie took one last sharp inhalation of breath and turned away from him, heading back in the direction of the house.
“Katie.” Chad repeated her name again, this time in a less pleading manner. She didn’t slow her steps.
“Katie!” Chad exclaimed, one last time in desperation.
This time, she stopped walking, but she didn’t turn around. She didn’t do anything, and Chad closed the gap between them in a few paces. He didn’t touch her at first, coming around to face her, fear engulfing him as to what he might see written on her face. Instead, he recognized an array of emotions. Surprise showed in her widened eyes. Anger was evident in her clenched jaw. Fear was laid out across the tension in her shoulder
s and the tightly lipped visage she wore. Quite frankly, she looked ready to come unhinged, ready to flee her surroundings, ready to...
Katie leaned forward and touched her lips to Chad’s. Instinctually, Chad reached out to hold her steady, the quivering of her bottom lip giving away her trepidation. Slowly, he stepped into her, enveloping his arms protectively around her. The kiss intensified only momentarily, and was over long before Chad’s heartbeat had slowed from the shock of it. He didn’t let go, holding her against him, feeling her body give in and relax against his. He rested his chin on top of her head, exhaling loudly to steady himself. He felt as though an immeasurable weight had been lifted from his shoulders, as though he’d been hiding from this moment for so long and, now, he didn’t understand his fear of it in the first place.
The sound of Katie’s muffled sob broke him from his own thoughts. Chad reached up gently and tilted her chin up toward his face to make sure she was okay. There were no tears as he had expected, but Katie was struggling to remain composed. He removed his hand from her chin and let her burrow back into his chest. He kissed the top of her head and let the time pass in silence, but Chad had no concept of how much. He felt Katie’s arms slowly release from around her own body and snake around his hips instead. They held on to each other, no words spoken and no movements made. Only the crackling fire and chirping crickets were heard beyond the easy breaths they took. Slowly, both of them regained control of their emotions, and Katie was the first to pull away from their embrace. He let his fingertips linger at her waist, but gave her the freedom to pull back as far as she needed to. This time, her eyes were slightly swollen but there was also a newfound resilience in them. The newfound power that Chad saw in her made his mouth ease into a small smile. She gave him one back in return, though it was slightly more reserved.
“I’m sorry,” Chad apologized.
“For what?” Her eyebrows rose, a new wave of uncertainty flashing across her face.
“For everything you’ve been through.”
“It led me here, didn’t it?” Tears rimmed Katie’s eyes then, but she laughed out loud at her own emotional instability and Chad chuckled as well as he raised his thumb up to wipe the few stray tears that had welled over onto her cheeks.
“It did.” Chad lowered his head, pressing his lips to hers again. When he pulled away, a glint shone in his eyes as he cupped her tear-streaked face in his hands. “You should have let me kiss you first.”
“You’re so old fashioned.”
“Maybe I am.” Chad pressed his forehead to hers, closing his eyes as he struggled to commit every aspect of this moment to his memory to recollect on later. “But I still would have liked to have been the one to kiss you first.”
“I’m sorry.” Katie’s voice was breathy and light.
“No, you’re not.”
“You’re right. I’m not. About anything.”
Chad pulled away to search her facial expression. “About anything?”
“I don’t regret any of it,” she announced, her voice shaking slightly under the weight of her words.
“No?”
Her eyes glistened as she spoke, but she nodded in affirmation. “It led me to you.”
Chad kissed her eyelids, kissing away the tears that were still falling. “It did.” He reached forward and pulled her sweater a bit tighter around her shoulders, gently sliding his hand into hers as he led her back toward the house.
***
Chad laid back on the futon in the barn office, convinced he could still hear the occasional snap of the bonfire even though he had extinguished it hours ago. Still, he couldn’t shake the thought, and he found himself padding across the office in his socks to peer out the window. Sure enough, the fire was completely out, and only a sliver of grey smoke still rose from the pit. He was about to head back to his bed when he noticed the strip of light shining through the partially drawn curtains upstairs in Katie’s house.
It had been more than three hours since their fireside conversation. Three hours since their kiss. Yet, Katie’s bedroom light was still on, too. She should be in a deep sleep by now. So should you, you idiot, he chastised himself silently, shaking his head at still being up so late. He initially wondered if something was wrong. Perhaps Mason had suffered a bad dream and Katie was attempting to console him. However, as quick as the assumption flitted into his mind, it was quashed. She’s awake for the same reason you are, he told himself.
Their kiss. The tender way they’d embraced each other. Chad had never experienced the same things that Katie had in life, and he wouldn’t pretend to have endured her pain. That said, only those who had hit their own personal rock bottom could identify with the despair and anguish that Katie had been subjected to. He didn’t necessarily know her, but he understood her, at least enough to offer her the only thing he really had to give.
His heart.
Chapter Sixteen
KATIE
Katie poured milk onto a bowl of cereal for Mason, listening to him jabber on about the tee-ball competition at school and how he wanted to be on Billy's team because he was the best player in their whole class. She fought to pay attention, to focus on his excitement and gleaming eyes. Instead, her mind was filled with replays of her kiss with Chad last night, those few moments set up on consecutive rewind in her vivid imagination. The heat rose in her cheeks just thinking about the warmth and softness of his lips against hers as the firelight flickered seductively in his eyes. The way he had looked at her afterward, the mix of surprise and desire; she had felt it, too. She hadn't consciously decided to kiss him, but she'd found herself doing it anyway.
There was no regret, but she had quickly worried about Chad's reaction. The moment she pulled away, staring up at him with widened, uncertain eyes, she had searched his face for any indication of what he might be thinking. He hadn't pushed her away or tried to stop her in any way, but his expression was virtually unreadable.
Until the faint, knowing grin had crossed his face, highlighting his eyes as the flames glinted within them. Then she’d been flooded with relief.
He'd felt it, too, she was sure of it. For the last couple of weeks, they had worked side by side, growing accustomed to each other's quirks and sense of humor, becoming comfortable in the constant presence of each other. Without realizing it, though, Katie had become attached, maybe a bit more than she cared to admit. That said, admission or not, there was no doubt that Chad was well aware of her attachment. There was also no denying Chad felt the same way, though to what extent, she was still unsure.
Katie didn't regret it, but she certainly wasn't ready to deal with it just yet. More coffee, that's what she needed right now.
"Mason, did your dad say when he'd be back from work the other night?" She didn't really care, but suddenly felt as though knowing when he might be showing up was safer. She could keep Jay and Chad separated that way, preventing any further altercations before the opportunity arose for them.
"Nope. He was taking that lady back with him, though. She works with him, too."
Katie whirled around to face her son, staring blankly into his cereal bowl. "What lady?"
"The one who's staying with him at home."
The air seemed to disappear from her lungs, and Katie wondered if there was any use at all in even trying to pretend it wasn't a big deal.
"You didn't mention a lady staying there, Mason."
She watched as he shoveled another mouthful of rainbow colored cereal into his mouth, awaiting his response. "I didn't see her that much. Dad took me to the stores and then to the beach. She stayed at home."
"Did your dad introduce you?" Katie swallowed hard.
Mason nodded. "Yeah, but I forget her name. She's his friend."
It was everything Katie could do to keep from scoffing at the idea. Friend, huh? "And she stayed there with you the whole time?"
Mason turned to look at her. "Yeah, but she's no fun. She sleeps really late and we have to be quiet so we don't wake her up. D
ad made me turn my cartoons down, and they weren't even loud."
She knew she shouldn't ask him, didn't really want to know the answer. If she were totally honest, though, she already knew the answer. "Was she sleeping on the couch, buddy?"
Like she knew he would, Mason shook his head. "Nope, in you and Dad's room. Like she'd even hear the cartoons in there!"
Katie gave him a faint grin, but it didn't reach her eyes. Jay already had someone new, and he hadn't even had the decency to tell her himself.
"Are you okay, Mom?"
Katie stared into his eyes, and it wasn’t until she saw Mason's uncertain expression that she realized she was scowling.
"Absolutely fine, my son." She turned away from him, refilling her coffee cup. The screen door creaked and a soft knock announced an impending arrival just before the door opened fully to reveal Chad's sleepy face. A crooked smile appeared when his eyes set on Katie, but he silently went to Mason first, ruffling his hair.
"Good morning, Little Man Mason."
Mason playfully fought him off, smoothing his hair down with a grin. "Morning, Chad. Ready to see if you can keep up to me again today?" The boy tilted his head up to smile widely at the man behind him, his eyes glinting mischievously, as though challenging him to some sort of duel.
"You're on, Mason. You're on."
Katie took the few steps to the table, a wry grin crossing her face. “Sometimes I wonder which one’s the child here. Mase, if you’re done with your cereal, go wash up, okay? You’ve got homework to attend to before the battle between you two takes place.” With one last grin, the little boy took off from the table down the hall, sprinting so as not to let Chad catch up to him. Katie cleaned the table off where Mason had been sitting, then turned around to face Chad, leaning against the counter as she wiped her hands with a kitchen towel.
“Good morning,” Chad offered, leaning against the counter, matching her stance. The corners of his mouth were turned upwards, but hesitation laced his greeting.
Always such a gentleman, Katie thought to herself. No cockiness, no pushiness. I kind of like it.
Who I Am With You (My Kind Of Country #1) Page 8